death

Death would be welcome retreat from living in groundhogs' day over and over.

That's a thought that crossed my mind more than once.

I have worked on myself inside and out, from head to toes and cannot figure out what my fatal flaw is anymore. It is a mystery, not like the game of CLUE, more like the game of LIFE left up to the spin of the wheel. I see myself clearly and I am not a quarter as fucked up as people who have no concept of introspection of ones actions. So, WTF? What gives?

Did I not follow the yellow brick road to the wizard, the guy manipulating everything behind the curtain, kinda like Mr. Cheney?

It doesn't make a difference, it is a merry go round of horse-shit. I don't picture myself a victim, I just don't have the knack to control my luck....I spent the last two months waking each day repeating"I am a lucky person and today is another lucky day" or "I know that I can be even luckier in the future" and then, well, hit repeat....and I am not. I mean seriously how long should it take to become lucky?

13 years of bad luck. That is a Bah Mitzvah!

How do you break the chain link fence?

"0" ideas--read almost every self help book on the market.I live my life with those principles in mind, but no significant changes ever transpired over the years. The funniest part was a few months ago when I sought out professional help only to be told I WAS TOO EVOLVED. Let's try something expiremental, which ended up not really doing me any favors.

Unemployed 8.5 times in 9 years...another shit-ab-ulous relationship. Thinking I had been thru enough Mr.Toad's Wild Rides, only to have met the King of mixed messages (he was a first--not my usual type of asshole),be without work, can't pay rent or half my bills and my prospective jobs...well they don't really exist.

A handful of conversations are all that is real. People who think they might want to do business with me, but don't know for sure. People who want to pay later--NOPE, no sweat for free. Those days are over. I do help people daily. I am always putting people together with other people.

Table scraps are what I ate for years--expecting a miracle to "poof" just appear, shimmery and cascading spurting my life into a somewhat bittersweet fairy tale. Instead, one bitter pill after another and me shrugging my shoulders. If I could figure out my fatal flaw I'd do more than apply a band-aid, I'd fix it.

I am so over trying to figure out why I'm so fucked up. I try, I am coherent most of the time, I pay attention...I am talented, blah, blah, blah....

The only thing I go back to is death, sweet sleep. I cannot continue in this space. I have let go of many demons and shitloads of past pain. Even used EMDR as a magic pill...sorta like Alice in Wonderland.

Now, as in the Death card in Tarot. I wait for a complete transformation of the external, a chance to rise from the ashes of the life I didn't ask for and hold on to the small portion that I did.