don't understand dialing looney bin

Many things I don't understand. Just when I think I have myself figured out and I am in a somewhat peaceful space with it all; emotions come flying out of left field and there I am without my mitt.

I am re-living the emotions I had for someone whom I dated this year. A person who I thought I would surely end up with, someone who touched my soul in a way that is beyond comprehension. This individual was not ready for a relationship, he didn't realize it I guess in the beginning. It was when he grew more fearful in between our communication or seeing each other. He would be fine and then not.

He, as I came to find out, had been left by his former fiancé pretty close to their wedding. It all came out after he had done something out of fear, he said it had to do with his family, but I knew the truth...the thought of a relationship scared the shit out of him.

I went through every book, idea and meditative thought process I could to "healthily" get over him.

Each time I thought I was done, gone, over...because I had not thought of him in 24 hours or some other symbol of victory, he would appear. I could be walking down the street and there he was, randomly and oddly timed.

Funny, because all through the time we spent together he would say he thought we were meant to be together, even when he said he could not do a relationship, he thought we'd end up together at some point. He said something so idiotic, "Maybe you'll get married and divorced and then we can be together"--UM HELLO! I obviously told him he was off his rock.

The bottom line was we had a connection that was so comfortable, we were two peas in a pod.

Timing just sucked.

So, as blogged before, I ran into him three times in the last month.

The last time I ran into him we talked for a bit.

I was not ready for the onslaught of emotion that has been washing over me the last two weeks. I do not understand it, logically, I should not even register on the richter scale, but this is like a magnitude 10.0

I should mention I have been dating others, oh no, I have not let grass grow under my feet.

I am so powerfully in love with this person, I have come to realize, it has stopped me in my steps, and overtaken my being at times.

I do not understand it, I am ready to be committed--nice padded room and three meals a day. I keep telling myself that this is ridiculous and forcing myself to face, over and over, that he has gone. I assume he has moved on, because in my head I figure he does not share the same feelings.

He loved me, he told me, but I know how men are and they never let grass grow under their feet. Although, he had been single for a year, before I met him. I try to distract myself, I tell myself all of the things which were imperfect about him and it changes NOT one iota of my feelings. I cannot explain the strange intensity nor the ripple effect it is having on my life.

I center myself, I breathe, and I function. In my heart, it cries out, because as we know the heart never understands.

I don't have low self esteem, believe it or not, I just have a hole in my heart.

I hope this is the last go-round, the grand finale and that it will all return to calm peacefulness and at some point I will meet a person who is ready for me.