sliding down the hill

Who forgot to tell me that periods at 44, suck ASS!

This is the 4th day of the chronicles: "Where the fuck is my period" PMS hell.

Bottom of the barrel emotionally. I can maintain a sort of zen-like tude for the most part, not attached to outcomes. Today is not one of those days. I am not attached to "specific" outcomes, I am really open to any outcome at this point, especially from between my legs. ARGH!!!!

My life is like a bunch of dangling threads (unfortunately not the end of a tampon), unfinished business and nowhere to go--not forward, sideways or backwards....just here.

Shitbag aka PMS over 40, means I have no brain control. I am a drueling, crying, stinky mess.

Where's my damn prince?

As long as he's an attractive good guy, who is emotionally and financially stable--SOLD! Anything less, fergettttt it sweetheart.

Income-wise: I don't care if it is a job or my own biz as long as its mula and I'm not shackled to an untenable position.

I don't dream of what these things are anymore, because I know the new reality of my life is to be different than the old, so I have not experienced "it" yet and I'd be guessing if I knew what "it" felt like.

I have loose ends from a prior love. I keep running into him too! He doesn't live in my hood, but might have a customer within my city limits. Doesn't matter the time of day or the street, he pops out of nowhere. Three times in the last month. I feel like I am living a Universal hell.

No passing fancy, I swore this guy was the one and he for me, but alas the timing was off. He's not an asshole, but selfish? Yes. An asshole? No.

I've changed my route many times. I even begged the Universe one evening to keep him away from me while I run. I changed my route AGAIN.

Being psychic...you just know this shit is gonna happen.

I knew I was ripe to run into him....addressing the Universe, I said, "Please, (I was polite)I only want to see this clueless dunderhead if he's finally ready to say something of substance".

I got up the next morning, laced up my running shoes and head out. I was happy. I thought, no fear he is not on the radar. That was until I came around the corner 2/3 of the way through my run, um yeah. There he was driving up the street I am on! What?! Why?! Who the fuck knows. I don't pretend to anymore.

Reminded me of when I was repeating the law of attraction stuff a couple months ago. I had not spoken to him in a couple weeks at that time. I said to the Universe, "Please show me the man I am meant to marry within the next 24 hours, blah, blah, blah"...guess who calls twice the next day during the 24 hours? Yup, this fool.

I am just trying to live my life. Give a chick a break!

I have done what all the books tell me in getting over someone. I also realize it is not me, it is him. I have heard all the advice. And most days of the week, I feel uniquely past this love. Then out of nowhere it rears its head and I am lost in a cluster of emotion...not sure "why or how". All I can do is wait for time to pass. Continue to date others as I have and go out with friends, which I do. So, am I missing something?

I am beyond logic with this one, as I am about my lack of work; I plant and plant....and nothing sprouts or they start to sprout only to have their growth stunted. Don't get it....and by the time my stupid fucking period shows up (excuse me--it is really fun having a headache and feeling hungover for 4 days--especially when you haven't been drinking)...I will have returned to a peaceful space about this man. And the realization that sometimes in life there are no answers or sometimes you cannot force the tying up of a loose end.

I have no control.

I continue to breathe. And wait for my monthly package of hell to arrive.