ughhhha bugghhha

In the peaceful place I thought I had found to rent out mental space, it appears there is some sort of disruptive noise here.

I realize in having let go of all outcomes that nothing is coming. I have been in this place of "nothingness" and patient for a long time. I keep myself busy, focus on my feelings, staying in check with myself. I tell myself it's cool that I have nothing going on and the only men I meet are unsuitable, although I myself, am far more suitable for a good guy than I used to be.

With work as a double whammy of nothingness, I also am at peace. Except for that damn noise. That buzzing sound that creeps up and asks me what is it I don't get? What fatal flaw do I possess? I have done so much letting go and have such clarity in seeing "me", that I am okay. I am not perfect, but I am okay. No one is perfect and most people are not "okay".

I know I cannot improve myself as a lifelong renovation project, nor do I care to even try.

I am fucking bored!!!!!

I am so fucking bored.

Whilst I wait for the Universe to start delivering the goods and I keep planting my fucking seeds in my fucking garden and wait for a fucking sign of life, besides a weed...I am shitting you not, I am sooooooooo bored.

I do not want drama.

I don't care to engage in any sort of thriller either. I am just looking for something to sink my teeth into, a way to make the kind of money I am used to and a guy who fits the bill (it's a short list,5 items that are a must have)...and if not him; I need enough money to get out and travel, enjoy fine food, new activities and shopping....I am only human its beyond my comprehension.

I mean...

Hey Universe, isn't it pretty fucking amazing that I tend to view life as though I am supremely lucky, even though I don't have a pot to piss in?

Isn't it amazing that I value myself enough that I won't settle for crap anymore.

You settle for poop, life gives you diarrhea.

You wait for the "good stuff" and from what I understand, life is supposed to deliver. Waiting for the pizza man to bring it to my door.

I want the happy surprises instead of the predictable bummers (not disappointments you see, that would mean I have expectations)....it would be great to have a miracle or two, nothing grand, but something I could giggle and pinch myself...and totally appreciate as a thirsty person in the desert eyeballs a margarita mirage or water (if you must).

If anything super-duper happens...I will post here. I try to keep the depressing shit off here, cuz who needs that much whining? I mean this is whining enough at this point.