When it flits in

Interesting to feel as though you are living in an out of body experience, each day.

I have been keeping my mind clear and letting whatever wants to wander in, come visit for a bit.

Well, you would have thought I was struck by lightening lately. Look, I am just going with the cues I receive through my radio antenna

I was out walking earlier, and *poof* this place on the beach popped in my head. The thought attached to this picture was, "You should call to find out how far in advance you need to plan to reserve a wedding."

WHAT?!?!? I don't even have a groom, LOL! Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?

That's just so normal, isn't it?

So, my choices in response to the thought are:

• To ignore the voice.
• To do nothing, forget it and see if the words come back to haunt me.
• Or call and find out how much of a lead time they need to have for setting a date for a wedding.

I am going with the "do nothing and see if it haunts me selection."

Seems best advice for now; I am soooooooooo not inclined to make a total ass out of myself. Especially if they asked me any questions; I'd be stuttering and sputtering the word "duh" and "I dunno"--especially in response to a supposed "groom".

Freaky thing is...I am as sure about getting married there; as sure as I am, about waking up tomorrow and having coffee.

Something in my gut, I can't shake. It has been growing, especially over the past few days. From a whisper to a very loud nudge.

And that leads me to this statement.

Either I have completely lost my marbles (although I don't tend to see myself with marbles to begin with, I see something a bit more stationary yet fluid) and my being almost irrevocably convinced that this is about to happen in my life is completely cuckoo-nutty......or.......is it the forces beyond me? The river flowing; The Universe taking my open door to my heart and throwing all sorts of shit (of course it'd be good shit, not bad shit) through it; The wind carrying my wishes to the ears of a man who will be my partner in life.....good question? No answer.

Even better, I am really not stressing at my somewhat "out of character" behavior in the department of men and marriage.

I am usually so blase', so like who gives a shit about it all. It was all about my job in the past; my identity first dammit...and I can't find that part of me anymore. It's like every stone, pebble and grain of sand has unleashed no clue as to my former identity...it's just got up and left!

And I couldn't be more at peace. Doves fly on cue....a big peace sign has been written in the clouds by a skywriter and nuclear disarmament has occurred peacefully.

p.s.

As I state this a thought occurred to me. The author Florence Scovel Shinn wrote a piece called "The game of life" in the early part of the last century. I've had a volume of all of her literary writings for over 10 years.

I read it earlier this year and she had several examples of people using her techniques (she was a divorced metaphysician--who was one of the original voices in the Law of Attraction). I'm reminded of a couple of stories in her book, one was a woman who wanted to have a man come marry her, so she set a place for him at the table each night and stated a "saying or poem" with her intention......and she believed it! He came to her and they got married. I feel like I believe what I am saying too. That is what is weirding me the fuck out!

Time will tell, by the way I write this stuff, cuz it will hopefully be fun no matter what happens to look back and see what occurs.

8 things

EIGHT THINGS I NEED TO BE HAPPY IN A RELATIONSHIP:

laughter, love, communication, faithfulness and honesty, value and respect, affection, kindness, sweetness, committed, passionate inspiration, consistency....

Interpreted into EIGHT things:

1. I LOVE myself.
2. I LAUGH easily with myself.
3. I COMMUNICATE easily and CONSISTENTLY with myself.
4. I VALUE and RESPECT myself.
5. I treat myself with KINDNESS, SWEETNESS and AFFECTION.
6. I INSPIRE myself constantly with PASSION.
7. I am FAITHFUL and HONEST to myself and who I am.
8. I am CONSISTENTLY COMMITTED to myself.

How odd to open a book and see yourself in it.

How odd to open another book and realize you are already doing so many of the things it states you should do for yourself to magnetize the sort of relationship you know you deserve.

I know for the first time in my adult life that the road I am headed down is the right road.

It will probably have bumps and days where I want to veer off to another road or just stop and cry, rest or pretend I haven't committed to myself to have the things in my life that make sense for me.

My wish is to have far more days than naught of happy miracles and surprises.....dreams coming true, because I am open to accepting them, FINALLY!

An in-betweener

As I read the book on magnetizing myself to be ready for my husband, interchanged with my gender psychology book and of course watching the Joy Luck Club (nothing like multi-tasking and not getting a helluva lot done)...I read a sentence that resonated.

Learning to tolerate the in-between time. Well, that sums up the last 9 1/2 months for me. I have had no choice in this current position. Not to be misconstrued as a complaint or that I am a victim, but I have been forced to let go of who I knew myself to be, in order to become what "I want to be".

It isn't like packing a suitcase and jumping on a plane to a sandy beach and a drink with an umbrella. Nope, this has been an investment in myself. And in what I have always wanted in every area of my life. It has also been a blood-letting in terms of ridding old wounds, open sores and sprained ankles.

I know that my future career path is so very clear, it's my immediate career path that is frightening. I have to make things happen to pay my bills. I am not looking for it to resonate with my soul, because I know graduating with multiple degrees, will bring me to what and where I want to be in my job.

So, what about this in-between time? I am running out of money and have 1 client. 95% of me is not worried and even before my one client, I did not overly freak out about money--which is really scary if you think about it! Cuz everything pointed to any SANE person freaking out (I had my days under the covers, but they were in the minority). I just couldn't, somewhere in my gut, I just felt it would all work out....it hasn't exactly, but it has been enough to keep me going.

When it comes to men, I am there...I know what I want and now I just need to make sure I am open to giving and receiving love on the most pure of playing fields that I attract that amazing man into my life.

There is someone for everyone.

I am ready for my someone.

In between time is over....let's get some motion in my ocean.

Slap me once and call me Paula

Okay, not really.

Too many things to write, so many topics and so little time. I need to watch the Joy Luck Club for my film class and I know I will cry when I watch it, so I am prolonging the "procrastination".

Anyways, so doing the karmic cord yesterday was funny, cuz of course, I heard from him in the form of a text by last night. It tis the way the Universe works.

What is also high-larity at this point is I am convinced I will have met the guy I am going to be marrying before the year is over. I am so in touch with that inner core and broadcasting it to friends and the Universe continually seems to not be SOMETHING I would have found embarrassing at any other point in my life.

I just don't care anymore. I will freely admit to anything and everything, if someone doesn't dig it...that's okay. I am not gonna dig a ditch crawl in and let a car run over me....nope! I am fine with me.

So, got the book that the other book I was reading was talking about. I am only on the author's story and she is saying some of the same stuff I am. Ewwwww....cannot wait to dig in!

Was at a fantastic Turkey Day feast last night given by the best! Absolutely stunning display of food, drink and people! Loved it all and am thankful to have been there as part of the special evening.

Everyone last night had a light emanating from them. When I was with my friend "M" the other night, I felt the energy.

And now that I have segued here, I completely forgot my train of thought! Ugh, sucks when that happens!

I emailed my psychic teacher this morning, to give her a run down on certain items over the past few days....and she said, and I quote: I feel when you let go is when you are open to what is best for you from the universe. Trust yourself.

And I do. I have this weird sense of excitement, like I am about to win the lottery! And as I started telling everyone I know, I will be married before my next birthday!

Chase me down

Have you ever had a guy chase you down, cuz he wanted you so much?

I'm not talking about the the guy you dump, who wakes up and decides you're the one. I'm talking about someone who seriously goes after you like a prime piece of real estate.

I believe many men are under the "settle mode", far too lazy to even bother, because I think as women it has been made to easy for them in some cases.

Not all men are this way, my boyfriend from a couple of decades ago told me when we reconnected how he chased his second wife down when she moved to another continent. That was fifteen years ago and they are still married.

I'm not sure why I'm never the one who gets married. I have analyzed the crap out of myself, beaten myself up and wondered why? Am I just retarded? I know I have wanted to be married here and there over the years, I can lie to myself and say "nah", but instead I say bullshit!

I have read dating books. I do all the things recommended for the most part, naturally. I've picked up extra hints. I've tried different things from online dating, to joining things I like to do to smiling and saying "hi"-which I still do....and not just to men. I like a ll of humanity.

It's not that I don't have men around me who would like to go out either.

Right now, I have the one who is 10 years younger that I met this summer. He is smart, educated, worldly, kind, works hard, involves himself in the local politics in Santa Monica and finds he's at his best at Burning Man each year. That is where he likes himself the most, the real him.

Then there's the guy who's about 10 years older. His wife had a heart attack in her 40s and died 5 years ago. He says he's over it (yeah right) and he's really nice, no spark, and has had all kinds of surgery, which hinders his mobility and I think he is still mourning.

I'd just like a guy closer to my age, that would be great. There is a guy around my age too.He's had all sorts of opportunities to reach adulthood; for one reason or another those fell away. So, as he put it in his own words: he's still a starving artist.

All of the men I've had relationships or dated for at least 4-5 months are all married. This doesn't go unnoticed by me, except to say honestly these were men in which the barriers to a peaceful happy relationship were huge. Or maybe it was toiming or maybe I'm such a commitment-phobe?

I have yet to meet a guy who has more than 50 of what I'm looking for in character and mutual perspective on lifestyle.

I watched a clip from the website, "Calling in the One", it is a book and a series of teleclasses. I've never been one to sit through seminars or teleconferences, I have adult ADD with that stuff. I' also never thought I was doing anything particularly wrong, just seemed the men I meet were the wrong sized shoes.

So, back to the clip on this site. Two women were on a morning talk show, with the creator of the teleclasses and both are now engaged.

In a 7 week period, one met, fell in love and went to Rome with a guy, who while in Rome asked her to marry him.

They had interviewed her twice. Once before her embarking on the program and then after the 7 week class. She did online dating (cringe) and decided to open her parameters. Lo and behold, presto, magico, she did with this guy and he was the ONE.

So, I guess this is the next step for me. Cuz, I obviously am not equipped to do this on my own.

I have failed miserably, yet I still am flummoxed by the fact that I loosened a lot of my"have to's", but still have certain ones that are necessary--eight to be exact:

1 emotionally stable
2 kind
3 financially stable
4 attractive
5 generous
6 laughs easily
7 intelligent
8 honest

Am I asking for the impossible?

What is so difficult about that?

There are other things I'd like--such as he's divorced, is a dad already, likes to travel, is outgoing, confident, happy, etc... They all rate too, but I'm trying not to be overly picky anymore.

So, I am thinking I will invest in my future. Hell if I am wishing and I'm doing a teleclass, reading a book...smiling and waving, some wonderful guy has to drop in, right?

Labor and MF'in Birth

I cut the cord again.

That jacked-up psychic umbilical cord. Wrapped it around his ass and hand-delivered it to the Universe.

I figured what the hell, let's try it again and see if it works (fingers crossed)

I can't be haunted by this shadowy linked figure, anymore. Especially with my new endeavor: wishing for my husband. And I know I have not met him yet. Screw the vibe and the karma! I told the Universe, my ass is done with karmic shit for this life.

I ain't gonna chew on a plate full of pain and suffering, fuck that. I want dessert, yummy and melts in your mouth with such a rich and lasting flavor.

If for some reason I were to hear from him again, and having cut the cord at least 25 times, it'll be strictly my turn to decide "if" and "when".

I guess depending on who you talk to...I could have filled out a contract before this life asking for a whole pile of steaming shit to contend with....or I may have been an asshole in a former life....or I wanted to learn something, by having my insides ripped out on a continuous basis, so I'd have to always confront myself and be God-like (we'll forget for a sec that I'm human)...who the fuck knows!?

All I know is my sixth sense needs a serious serving of "Draino" to unclog the pipes and let this hairball just slide out to sea.

I will stay away from any possible location he could even remotely be...and if I run into him then he is encroaching on my territory even more, and that would be so uncool. At least, until I have been over it for a long time, instead of it being at the tipping point, where I see the light of moving on and then "boom" he's planted right in my path. NO MORE.

I will stay to the West for now.

And whatever comes to me now, is all on my terms. You can believe it!

friends of all species

I was with a group of my friends last night. A mix of two women who are a few years older than me and who I adore, the son of one of the women and a guy who asked me out two months ago...and I kinda flaked on him.

I was invited over to my friend's for dinner and it was really a nice time for a variety of reasons.

When I was younger, I thought you could mix and match your friends. You know, bring a friend, a health-conscious zealot you met at the gym, out to dinner with your friend who is on the "see-food diet" and her idea of working out is lifting a cigarette to her mouth. Sometimes opposite species work out, because they find a common ground. And sometimes it can be down-right ugly!

How can you tell if it will end up like a bad blind date?

After all, they both like you, so shouldn't there be a starting point?

As I sat with this group last night, the thought passed my mind. It always does. Wouldn't it be cool if "so and so" met this person? And gee, it'd be great to have a dinner party with all these great people I know. Sometimes the chemistry works and sometimes it does not.

Last night was good--topics ranged from the recent election (one person works in politics), to one guest's New Moon party I attended earlier this year, in which one of the attendees stripped naked to eloquently state her wishes/prayers to the Wolf Moon (And none of us who were there to this day, understand "why" this woman stripped nude) to the ongoing divorce my hostess is enduring in her life, deciding in the future if she does decide to marry, she hopes Prop 8 will be overturned.

There were heated discussions, difference of opinions (agreeing to disagree) and lots of laughter. So who else can I add to the mix? The person who had asked me out in the past was engaging, in fact we all were very lively and opinionated as hell!

I have not come to a conclusion as to who I can bring and where. What I do think is I will have to plan a bit strategically, somehow I will need to have a neutral zone to see who is a hit and who is a miss.

I think we can all be enriched by others, especially people who are so different than ourselves in belief and philosophy. It brings me out into the world to explore more than I would have had I played it safe and never ventured past my front door.

Nothing-ness

So,

In terms of signs or anything looking like a wish coming true, I'd have to say it was a day of nothing-ness.

Begging the question, what is different now than in the past? What will change in my wishing for something from the past when I wished for things?

My wishes have gone largely unfulfilled over the years. There were lists I wrote in the past. There were things I wanted more than anything and none of it came about, not even in a way that you could say, "gee that came true, maybe not the way I pictured it, but hey, it came true".

I have a high degree of skepticism. I have a high degree of believing a lot of what I wish for is way beyond my control, because I can create some luck, I can work hard and look at everything as an opportunity, but when you take things on and they sort of disintegrate before your eyes..you sort of have to wonder.

I don't think my judgment is any worse than anyone else on the planet.

I just find it disheartening at times to have had so many things which looked promising fall flat.

Maybe, I expect my wishes to be granted too quickly? 13 years is not quick.

I believe in what I am asking for, but it is beyond me to go force it to be real.

Signs or lack thereof

In my promise to update the "wishfest" regularly, I am hoping to have more meaty information. Like a sign, movement, something indicating profound "wishdom" is about to occur! But, alas...

I have not one thing to report.

As soon as I do, I will post here...even an innocuous sign of something grand about to happen will deserve notation. I shall commit to paper in this quest to change from sufferer of all woes and camel carrying 1000 pounds of garbage; to be free as a butterfly from suffering and re-born through my wishes as a hummingbird (cuz everything I read in every culture, says they're bitchin').

Notice the word "if" is being stricken from my vocabulary, because it is not very wish-like....to...well...not believe the wishes may not come to pass.

AND DAMMIT! I am a believer!!!! :-)

Back to the man with no name for a minute

That's it-I see.

When reading all the "get over him"books and knowing my own experience in getting over someone-distance and absence help. A LOT!

I read somewhere it takes 60 days of no contact to get a handle on getting over someone, that'd be great if I ever reached that goal!

I always run into him before 60 days. Even thru my best efforts to avoid a run in--he shows up regardless.

I logically wonder if this will cease. Spiritually, I can't help but ask why does he keep showing up? Did I need to suffer more? Learn more pain? Did I leave this unfinished? WTF?

Some days it plays havoc with my head.

I know I get to a place of forgetting this guy, I realize my thoughts don't include him hourly or even daily and then I run into him and WAMBAH!

Then I analyze myself.

Why?

Cuz it makes me fearful.

I am afraid to run into him again, because in my psychic retardation I feel him near--I know I will run into him again. (Toward what end, who knows?)

And then my mind gets involved, it starts thinking how it makes no difference to run into him, but to give me a heart attack. My brain thinks he probably lied and is with someone else. (really, I don't care for the most part)

My mind goes to all these scenarios, because I can't put my finger on where the fear originates.

Is it because it is random and so out of my control? Is it because I believed he was "the guy" and so now I just get to suffer when I see him?

I don't want to be punished; I've cut the cord, done rituals, saw him fly away as a balloon to the Universe and I am clear about his flaws and what worked and what didn't. No illusions.

All I want is to know why I run into someone, even when my thoughts are not on him...like I said above, and then there ... he is *poof*.

I can let it limit me geographically, but then, what is that? Not a way to live-or maybe I should just stay home til I'm completely over him. Sounds logical, right?

I confront that part of myself which is afraid and I'm willing to calm my fears too. It doesn't fit with how I'm trying to create positive, not scenarios that bring me down.

Great if he is karma, but the ball is not in my court. It is most definitely in his without getting into detail here. And all I care about is leaving the past behind, and most days I have.

The Universe

I am of the spiritual belief that the universe has forced me to go thru this period of nothingness again, toward a lesson in attaining happiness.

This is not a thought process or analysis. It is completely from a spiritual perspective. Another gauge is by how my body responds, am I real tired, experience an extreme malaise at the thought of striking out in a certain direction? Or am I energized at the thought?

If I take emotion and logic away, then this is the truth from the gut and my attuned antenna:

1. I'm clear that I can no longer take a job doing something I may be good at, but carries too much strife within its' walls, so that I'm blocked from carrying out my responsibilities.
2. I can't lie to myself and say: I belong in a corporation. Nor can I be in an office 5 days a week, maybe 2-3, but no way in hell can I do "5".
3. I changed my degree major. After 5 fucking years, of being bored to tears trying to get my business degree, I had to admit what sung to me-it was either psychology or design. All of a sudden, the gray faded and I was alive at the thought.
4. Different priorities than the past: wife before career, rather than the other way around.
   
5. I know what I want in a man. I know the "5 basic musts" for me to get past a first date.
6. I am ready to get married, it only took all these years.
7. Family, friends and then everything else.
8. Entertaining at home and helping others, I see it personally and professionally.
9. What drive? All my drive got up and left, at least the "drive" I believed in for so many years. Driven for the wrong reasons. Now when I go, it will resonate with my passion.
10. I move at a different pace. When I try to change it, Universe erects a brick wall, OUCH!
    

I receive this information on a psychic level.
And it resonates with my gut. NOT MY HEAD. Just like my proclamation about marrying someone whom I'm not seeing and to be honest, not really sure if I heard from him, that I'd date him, let alone freakin' marry the dude.

Another psychic seed that I try to ignore, because it scares the shit out of me:

I don't feel like I'm EVER going to work in a traditional job until I get my graduate degrees! How's that for frightening?! Not my head again, because I put my resume out all the time.

I also get that I'm going to be married to someone who will allow me the luxury of not killing myself working 9 to5 and going after my dream. Yeah, that sounds real, huh?

I'll be getting married rather quickly once in a relationship. Ooo-kkk-aaa-yyy, sure.

I also get that with my psychology degrees, I will help people not just through counseling, but writing books, conducting research studies and traveling doing lectures. This scenario doesn't freak me out, it brings me a deep sense of peace. Plus, I'll have a supportive husband by my side.

BUT, what about reality-land?

The one or two times I have an interview, the opportunity to make my income again-just dies. I know my jobs were just a band aid, because I had to put food on the table. I get I can't give into that again, BUT what am I getting by listening to my gut or the radio feed? Scared...yet peaceful.

Amazing, it switches back and forth from freaked out about money and having very little to do, to complete peace with the entire situation.

Edit

I guess I should edit this blog log?

I write as a stream of consciousness. I need to stop. Or I at least need to fix my grammar, the repetition of thought, the whining, the content of some, etc...

I just never really thought about who may read this blog. And then I thought, hmm...if they did what would they glean?

Then I figured, I am not catering it to any particular reader...if someone finds anything I say to be of interest, than cool! If not, that's cool to.

Anyways...one day real soon...I will edit. I promise!

Beliefs and Wishes

There's a feeling of having "been here done that" on the one hand. And a feeling of peace in my other hand.

Maybe it's two warring factions inside of myself. Dr.Jekyll/Mr.Hyde?

Growing up, my Mom told me it was impossible for her to grow long nails. She also said no female in our family had been able to have more than 2 kids who were less than 5 years apart.This belief I carried, until I realized it was not true for me: I have three kids and grow my nails long when I want.

I have one immigrant parent, while the other one is more of a victim and martyr by definition. Not to delve into that whole dysfunction, I'll save it for another post, but worth mentioning. I grew up with a Father who worked his ass off only to end up with nothing. He believes in struggle. My Dad some demon inside of him, believes he deserves the worst circumstances and cannot handle consistent good fortune.

He is also someone, as my mother says, cannot ever go to therapy, cuz he holds it all together with a string.

He is one of the most brilliant people, nice guy, everyone loves him and yet he doesn't value himself at all.

At 71, he still gets taken advantage of because he still feels he has to prove himself.

I never used to see the patterns or the influence on my belief system; it doesn't influence my personality, but it shows what I was brought up to know, my perception and understanding of this world.

I was brought up wanting for nothing. I'd say I was pretty spoiled, but I understood there to be little happiness from my parents in who I was as a person- I wasn't their picture of a daughter.

Its cool. And I only mention it as I look at why, I have such a hard time believing good things can happen for me without suffering and struggle.

I understand now on such different levels of depth. Two steps forward one step back.

My point:
I have found thru 13 years of massive struggle internally and externally that I used to believe it was the only way good things came to me.

An example:
I had my successful business, but I was bored and lonely. I achieved so much thru force and will, plus my natural knack for sales.

One day I received a call from a CEO who had received one of my marketing flyers in the mail.

I spoke to this perceived guru; I fell into professional infatuation.

I would cry and struggle; wishing and wanting to rid myself of my own daily grind and my 6 employees.... I was intoxicated and hooked on the potential of a new world to save me, putting me on a path to where I believed my career should go.

Our first meeting in person lasted two hours-he reminded me of an older me and vice versa.

I prayed for the ability to abandon my company and go in this other exciting direction.

And as I lay on my office floor crying one day, his assistant called to set up a lunch.

A meltdown occurred in order to receive my wish.

At lunch, he told me of his professional strife and everyone's shitty work ethic. I nodded my head as the workaholic I was-I understood. I finally exhaled, blurting out-"I need to work for you and you need me!" He smiled and said he'd have to figure out how that could play out.

A month rolled by, again with the gnashing of my teeth and the hating my existence...I received an invite to their company party for a premiere of their new movie.

Another month of silence rolls by and I'm losing it once again! Meanwhile, my business is suffering and I don't care. As I lay on my bed crying, he calls one afternoon, asking if I want to take my kids to one of their shows, of course I do! And when we go, he tells me he thinks he has a place for me.

It was magic in my mind. All that suffering paid off.

I could go on now, explaining, how this was a catalyst for my visiting places within myself I would have preferred untouched and how it started my downward spiral.

Ill leave that for another story.

My Point: TRYING not to suffer and JUST believe wishes come true is TOUGH FOR ME!

I can't struggle anymore, how or where could I?

Yes, I can cry, I do as I let go of the suffering and realize I've tried wishing before. Except this time, I'm actually focused on the wishing as a possible reality, instead of as a bullshit way to expend hot air.

I cannot create a man out of thin air; I can't create work out of thin air; I do put it out there constantly, yet even with the myriad of other wishes, I don't have the energy to force anymore.

One weird thing in the past 9 months...if I make a move in a direction, even slightly forcing it... I'm thrown back to square one, no signs of doing the right thing, but just slammed back to zero.

Almost as though, the Universe is saying,"No you'll stay here til you get what you really want for yourself and until you figure it out, you're at the starting line. No more false starts!"

My psychic ability is like a radio antenna, so I'm sensitive to these nuances.

An example of what I mean:
When I was first laid off, I started reaching out to people and companies slowly. I looked for VP jobs, after all I have to put food on the table.

In the most silent of times--nothing happened-months went by without contact or interviews. It was like submitting my resume into the abyss and the whole time my gut screaming "No, you really don't want that job!" and my head screaming" You have bills to pay, you need a job!"

Nothing moved and really hasn't moved professionally, at all. I have one client now and as you know I've been forced into entrepreneurship.

My social life is a different story, that has been nonstop busy and that I'll leave for another post.

In conclusion, it appears that I should try to believe wishes can come true without a great deal of personal torment. And if I pay attention to the radio signals I receive, they may actually guide me in a direction I want to go without struggle.

It is time to believe in a power outside of myself, but can I fully and completely? UGH!

Twitter

So, a comment or two about Twitter as social media. I would address other sites too, but then this would be way too long and tedious to read through. Although, I don't get "people buying" you on Facebook? What is that? Someone wanted to buy me the other day and I didn't know what to do with that?

Anyways....back to the subject at hand.

I have been trying to stay abreast of any and all newness on the web in relation to "new fangled" sites. I always try to surmise if there is any business use which could come from any of the social sites. All three mentioned above have provided tools and contacts that are becoming integral to how I do business and communicate.

Twitter--this could be an addiction if one is not careful. I have to limit myself to its exposure, because there are many fascinating people with fascinating links to all sorts of information out there. I wasn't sure what would happen after the election, it appears everyone has moved onto plenty of other topics.

I can Twitter from my phone, my car, my bathtub, I can Twitter anywhere at any time! Woohoo!

One thing that bugs are the people, who upon meeting them, do a lot of self-promotion: Check out my blog, try my products, eat my corn, fill out this survey, blah, blah, blah. I like the idea of getting to know people somewhat, try and establish a relationship before we go from "A to Z".

Another bug...
Others who think after two tweets and a common love of music that it is grounds for dating! I gave up internet dating when I realized how much I hate it and to do it based on 140 characters? Nah uh, no way!

Other than that, there are people who entertain me, in fact there is now a Chuck Obama, which has to be one of the funnier ones, to go with God, Santa Claus, Captain Obvious, Smartasshat, and some other comedians. There are people I learn from on Twitter too.

There are people with amazing blogs and shitty blogs. The ones with the crappy blogs, believe they have written the bible on what they are selling. They are someone who has obviously not been told they may want to investigate another way to communicate.

I enjoy the ones who post items to better my day, there are the poetic "good mornings and good evenings" from one such Twitterer, the positive affirmations throughout the day from another, the links to all sorts of fulfilling content for your mind and soul from yet another guy in New Zealand and the list goes on...

If I want anything right away politically or I am looking to improve my business, I don't have to look beyond Twitter. Plus so many people in all different industries are there. You have Al Gore, Lance Armstrong, Our newly elected president, news anchors, etc... all on board.

It is a cool community, except of course now the advertisers are starting to encroach in obvious ways, which are pissing lotsa people off. Hopefully, that will fail and we can go back to twittering away.

Although I am sure Twitter needs to find a good revenue stream to sustain itself in the long run.

I am glad to be a Twitterer meeting new people everyday, the only complaint as your list grows so many awesome messages get lost in the crowd. But, you can't stop its like being a kid in a candy store. I can't wait to see where it all leads!

Receiving wishes

I am ready to receive my wishes.

This is the end of a 13 year journey.

Ready to embark on the next journey. The waiting is over. I write in knowing that I am FINALLY allowing.

I've been allowing more and more. I didn't realize on the road to inner peace, I would encounter so much of myself.

I get it! If only for this moment, today. I invite the painless reward.

I have experienced so many shifts internally, especially in the past 9 months. I've suffered on so many levels. I'm done. No desire to struggle to have my wishes come true. I look to the universe to grant my wishes.

I'm READY for the positive massive life change, I'm trying to trust. I must sweep the doubts away. They exist, because I've been slammed in the face too many times when I believed things were going my way. I no longer invite that sort of pain to my party.

The last 2 mornings I woke up peacefully. The first time in as long as I can remember. I wished for IT, remember?

I know the fact that I'm not being lonely or needy is different in terms of marriage readiness.

I am ready for that relationship. The guy I know will either do it or won't, but I "don't think" he will. Why? The reason I "don't think" is because it is NOT a THOUGHT. It just "is".

It has nothing to do with logic or emotion, its when I quiet my mind, it comes in like a 2 ton magnet. I've never been drawn to someone in this way. I've been drawn to men, attracted to them, but not like this one. It is an attraction, but not. It is like an umbilical cord. Hard to put psychic impressions into words.

NOW, on the other hand: I logically and emotionally am open to anyone who fills the bill. I am okay with whomever is coming to get me and the other worldly connection this guy has to me may finally dissipate at that time. It's a guess.

All I know is this...I was (and still have my moments) one of those romantics who figured maybe love, wasn't in the cards. It took me a long time to get to "okay" with it, then I got there and thought, why?

Why do I have to accept the comfort level of being alone as a place to stay?

Why do I have to be alone? Why did I lock myself in a prison of acceptance?

Why did I not trust things to happen?

There is a wish or a 100 at this point, and going with the abundance of the universe and that happiness is how the Universe likes us to live, then I'm likely to fulfill them all. It is maintaining the belief which is staggering. I just have to keep swatting the doubts away when they crop up, like a pinata.

Random statements

Last night, I started re-reading The Wishing Year. I want to soak in the parts I may have missed the first time.

I reached the chapter labeled February. It's Valentine's day. Noelle is with her French friend Sylvie, a professor, in a restaurant. They have my new favorite wine: Beaujolais...except I have only had the nouveau. Quirky coincidence.

Earlier in the evening at the chiropractors, I was reading the book for my gender psychology class. We are studying relationships this week. Interesting, there are different types within a category. The range is form liking, Companionate love, Romantic love, Empty love, Fatuous love, Infatuated love, to Consumate love. At least according to Sternberg.

I've also learned about 1/2 of all single people are not dating anyone at any given time and have not over the past 6 months.

Hmmm..my last date was in October. I have dated more this year then any other year.

My friend who has been married 26 years, we'll call her "M", thinks I need to date more before I settle down with a husband. She is not speaking from knowing my history too well. She is speaking from her own current state of mind. She has no idea, I say....it has taken me this long to know what I want. Now that I know what I want, I'm ready. She's going through a divorce after 26 yrs of marriage and turning 50. She is a superstar in so many ways. This divorce is kicking her ass.

Anyways, the psychology book also mentions Dr.Gray, the author of "men are from mars, women are from venus." The classroom text states he is pretty much full of shit. Yes, we do have some differences in how we communicate but not so far apart that we're on separate planets.

Weird Ass Dream

Dream last night was interesting...

I was with a group of childhood friends in a place or a village near the ocean. One of my friends has a 5 year old, but in this dream he's a baby (yet it didn't even look like her kid). Somehow, I end up carrying the baby. We go from store, to restaurant, to rental houses, and find one next door to a restaurant. As in, there is a sliding glass door that separates the living space from the restaurant(weird). There is a backyard which is a green hillside ending on the banks of the river below. This backyard has been in so many of my dreams. I have no idea where it is in real life or if it does exist.

Somehow, I get separated from my friends, now I'm with my kids. We're laying around in a strange car on a strange driveway, I don't know why or where I am.

Then, FLASH, I'm inside a hotel, leaving a room, which has an amusement park sort of feel to it. The escalators move quickly downward, creating the sensation of queasiness in my stomach. As I proceed down the escalator, I strike up a casual conversation with a delivery guy. Then BOOM, I'm with my friends and I've lost the baby, who by the way had been barfing poop everywhere.

I tell everyone that I left the baby at the hotel. We go ripping through the crowds back there; my friend is hysterical. And funnily enough, part of me was indignant, how dare they expect me to be responsible when they were off having fun?

So, somewhere in my mind I left the baby on the escalator. The front desk says they've not seen the baby. My friend is crying all over the counter. I go to the escalator and there is a valet standing there, I ask him if he saw the baby. He says "yes, I saw who has the baby and here's their card." One of my friends starts giving me a hard time about the baby. I get pissed, because I didn't ask for the responsibility. The dream meanders off. Then I realize at some point, I didn't have the baby on the escalator. I don't remember anything else.

Hmmm...I wonder? Last night, I came home and yelled at my 17 year old who for years has nagged me when I'm out of the house at night. Her variety of questions, extends to "When are you coming home?", "Come home soon" to "What are you going to feed me?" It is a theme for several years that I am sick of at this point. Considering this is the child who cops an attitude with me, the moment I enter the room at any time or any day of the week.

My friends last night reacted as everyone else has in the past....ignore her. They see me getting irritated. This child barely speaks to me at home, but yet tries to hang guilt trips on me when I am out. I'm so fucking annoyed; I've ignored her; not ignored her---whatever and she still causes me grief. She plays into my parental guilt. No more. With my meltdown came clarity.

I think the dream comes from, my not wanting to be responsible for anyone else. I have been overly responsible for so many over the years, bit by bit I have cut those strings loose. Now I am cutting loose with my kids. Two are adults and the last will be one next year. I am worn out. And I just want to be responsible for me.

Dogs et al.

So, when I got home last night after being out with friends and proceeding to engage in a major meltdown, I reached down inside myself and pulled it all up!

I opened up to every wish, I even, sort of... kind of... believed to have buried in myself and I wrote each one down, cut up the paper into strips and put them in my wishing shrine box. I then proceeded to light about 10 candles around the box and wished in my head, out loud and wished again.

You see, I just can't live this way anymore. I am done. Its a mantra I have repeated many times over the past year. It is beyond me to continue living in nothingness. Each time I made the statement with more meaning and now, last night, I've just snapped.

I want the external to match the internal, but even better.

Last night, I wished for a dog too. I love them. I see them and meet them all over my neighborhood, but our problem is we have a large yard and no real fencing for a dog to roam.

This morning, as I walk out the door to get my sunglasses from the car, I see an older couple walking up the street toward my house...I think , I really don't want to talk to anyone at all.
I went back inside and waited for them to pass my house.

Coast was clear, so I went outside.

I began to walk. I turn the corner and they are ahead of me walking very slowly with their terrier. A runner comes jogging by with a large dog, not on a leash. The little dog thinks its a guard dog and barks trying to chase the much larger dog.

I have now caught up to them, I am laughing in spite of my dour mood. I make a comment about the little guy being a guard dog. The little dog is sniffing everything, which is why they slowed down. They are an older Austrian couple I come to find.

I, of course, don't share the information about my dad born during WWII in Germany, nor do I mention that he is a German Jew bastard, nor do I say most of the family he knew was sent to Auschwitz for their demise and he was lucky the Quaker Organization saved his ass, putting him in an orphanage in France...a farm, where he lived as a Catholic. Nope I never mention these things, among others in our twisted history. Although, my Dad is pretty much a confirmed atheist and it is the reason I grew up without any real religion.

Anyways, the husband explains more about their 10 week old puppy. He also tells me about their dog who died 6 months ago; they both state how they have no fence either. The wife says they had to train the dogs a bit, so they know their boundaries. Neither had ever escaped.

I said, "Well that would entail me getting a smart dog, something I've never done before." We all laugh.

I'm just full of sunshine all of a sudden.

I tell the couple, my kids and I want a golden retriever, which in truth...I've just fallen in love with lots of dogs. And that was always the default dog. They both said how great Goldens are and that if they didn't have to fly to Austria often with a dog, they would have a Golden. They both stated "they're the best dogs."

We talk a bit more coming to the end of the street, headed in different directions; the wife tells me that, "she sees a dog in my future". I am almost choked on my coffee. Instead, I laughed and babbled something....I was just stuck on her last comment.

I continue walking uphill and another lady with her older Labrador, is standing in the street as he smells everything.....she says, "He just has to stop and smell everything." I tell her about the other couple,we laugh and make "aw sounds" together.

This afternoon's list of intuition

He's coming for me, as I walked up to my house, I could feel the energy shifting toward me, either that or I am fucking NUTS!

I went to get my hair done. Sat down, nice man came over smiling at me and sat down. Oops, off I am dragged to the chair.

While sitting there I knew I wanted to not be in a hurry. Soooooo...I relaxed read my book for class. I also decided I needed to get to wishing things financially, that definitely needs to happen.

Anyways, thus far...I decided I needed to walk out of the hair salon and take a look around once I was done. Normally, I would've just headed for the car. Well, there was the "print shop". I had just been talking to my clients about printing of their business cards and my own, stating I would have to see costs. I walked in and got a pretty decent estimate and I can email them the files. Pretty freakin' cool!

Have now started a shrine of sorts to the "wishing" for a husband. I figure it can't hurt and can only help. I am determined to be in a space in which I am able to have a relationship that is serious in nature now. I am going to put red paper all over it...yay!

I realized a couple of years ago, the amount of peace I had achieved internally. Bit by bit it has come to stay, even with all the backwards steps...nothing compares to the amount of peace I carry. In fact, I noticed today that I am almost 100% willing to keep flowing like the river and paying attention to the signs, the direction and my gut in terms of knowing that all will be well. The Universe is in charge and every time I give over to it and allow, the better things work out...and may I add, almost effortlessly. The key is to remain in the space and that may prove to be a challenge at some point.

Last pages

I have finished the book, The Wishing Year.

I have to re-write two paragraphs here as she summarizes and concludes her year.

"Is there a transcendent dimension to our wishing? Is there indeed, some form of divine help out there?Perhaps that's something each of us must find out for ourself. For myself, I think of being lead from the tarnished gold of my sad dreams to the blazing silence of the golden temple and to the radiant presence of a forest monk who told me that if I truly wished to be free from my own deepest fear, then my wish would be granted. "

"I think of finding my way from the narrow straits of my worry mind to the dolphins shimmering below my navel. I think of the painting on the balcony as whales swam by, a phone rang and I heard the tired voice of the loving man who came to my door, in just the way I wished for. And when I think of these things, I say "YES".

So, many wishes came true for the author of this book, that it was really amazing. It was also amazing as to how we discount everyday wishes coming true. How we think more pragmatically and when this woman wrote very specifically what she wanted in a man and how she wanted him to come to her...she got everything she asked for, everything. It was also proof that the things she left off, were possibly areas she still needed to let come to the conscious level.

Great book! Highly recommend it!

Oddly Psychic or Coincidence

Walking with my girlfriends yesterday morning, I kept getting little signs with the name of the man who left an imprint on my soul. I ignored it, tossed it up to my just "noticing" things as usual. I have finally learned to shrug it off and place no importance on it.

I wished yesterday and I wished last night and I wished this morning for my husband to come to me. I think I've decided on "to", instead of "get or for".

I got up this morning and wore a specific shirt. I thought, who do I think I am going to see?

So, mornings when I walk by myself are usually in my neighborhood. When I meet my friends, I drive down 2 miles, to my usual spot to park. I then, normally walk to the place to meet my friends in the morning, giving myself an extra 30 minutes or so.

My first friend sends a text stating she is under the weather, and can't make it today. I send my other friend a message to see if she is still on, although I know the answer already.

I always know the "damn" answer. Being psychic has its moments.

I knew somehow that I was to walk alone this morning. I am perfectly content either way. Although, I would have stayed in my neck of the woods had I known ahead of time.

So, I wish for my husband. I also think, maybe I'll meet some new people on my walk this morning. It's how I meet a lot of people.

I wave to the people on bikes and in front of their houses, a chipper "good morning". My phone rings and it is a friend. Do I take the call or continue walking in my own little world?

I took the call, I had predicted things for her....which are happening. She calls me her "swami" :-).

I feel a sense of needing to get off the phone, besides my arms are killing me thanks to the gym workout the other day.

I walk farther, and am thinking why do I feel like I am going to run into this person? Why do I feel like this when there is no reason. I walk toward the freeway, noticing the ramps are closed for work. I figure "nah, I am not running into anyone...guess I was wrong".

Then I see his vehicle in front of me, I think "No, it could be someone else's vehicle"...and he comes up beside me and realizes it is me, slams his brakes on and honks a couple of times...and waves wildly. I wave back and continue walking. I don't look back nor do I expect him to do anything else in that moment.

The funny thing is.....my heartstrings don't sing. They are tied up in the overall wish of whomever it is that come for me, is a good guy.

What freaks me out though, is why each time I realize I'm forgetting this man, I run into him? Is it karma? And it is by such fine design that I run into him, no plan of mine could make it happen.

As I sat here typing, my front door is open....I partially expect to see him drop by. I stop typing. A wave of knowing comes over me.

I logically deny it, but that positive wishing has been clearing space...and I guess I think, why not?

Although, with NO thought at all...I get:

I am going to marry this man.

Just in

So......today.

I said I would record things that happen. So, concise list.

1. Walked this morning with two friends told them about my wishing for a husband, one mentions a man she is acquainted with and has been thinking of introducing me to and now is going to do so.

2. Reading book, a mention of another thing beyond Ganesh; brings up 1000 places to visit before I die. Sits on my nightstand.

3. Yesterday, spoke to someone I had met professionally years ago, thought of company I interviewed with this Summer...for reasons never clear to me the conversation dropped. I saw synchronicity and now there is a possibility that they may be able to do business with each other.

4. Went to wine taste tonight with good friend who is a candidate for so many things--she is so dynamic and I believe the wishing year is for her too, as she embarks on the next part of her life. LOVE WINE! What was I thinking all these years? Beaujolois Nouveau...could drink all day long.

5. Have more men coming out of the woodwork daily, but none that fit the wish list.

Life is filling up with so many plans, I am keeping them all and happily doing so. The exposure to new and different, plus the same...is setting me toward the road I want to continue down.

I know there is more, but I have been wine tasting, so I am without brain cells. I will try to put this info down daily. In case anyone reads this and wants to watch wishing in action along with synchronicity.

Rent-a-Grandma

I am reading this book and came across a great idea.

Good enough to post.

Kismet enough to act upon.

A woman (who is 59 years old) was missing her grandma and decides she wants to rent a grandma. Someone to do all the Grandmotherly things such as bake cookies, knit, crochet, mend clothes, on and on...

So, she posts a note at the local senior center and gets an overwhelming response from many women there. She interviews them all and chooses one who comes for about 5 hours a week. She pays her 10.00 an hour.

I think that is such a stroke of genius, not only is someone in a senior center given another purpose, an opportunity to make friends and even make money...but to be wanted as part of a family.

I value what many older people bring to the table with their years of experience and knowledge.

I think this is an idea I may enact in my own life.

Environment and Energy Change.gov

Today's contribution as a citizen of this ever-changing country was to answer an email sent by John Podesta from Change.gov asking for input on the environment and energy. So, here was my two cents.

I posted this on Twitter and will also send to my friend who owns the site you2gov.com. Renewable energy is the wave of the future. South Africa is much like the US in its current status.Denmark has a great approach to clean energy and electricity regulations.They are the leader in wind technology. Some of the policies they use which could be replicated here in the US: Carbon Tax, providing rapid growth and long term certainty with Feed-in Tariffs (5 states are currently considering a similar plan), financing which would be easier with the certainty of tariffs, research & dev funded through taxes, etc... there are more ideas.

Frankly, it would be a change to see consistency in the US over the environment and energy policies.There are many things I can add here. If you are interested, please let me know and I will submit more to you as to what I have found to be a road to explore.

Friends and Ganesh

As I read this book last night, I came across a passage about Ganesh or Ganesha-the remover of all obstacles. Depending on what else you find on the subject, he is also the placer of obstacles too. He is known throughout all of India.

Related to the theme, traveling back in time a few months... (Twilight Zone music)

I had a small dinner party, it took place about a month after the layoff. I had told hardly a soul that I was not working. I sorta disappeared under the radar. I talked to my friends, but kept the conversations light. Then one wonderful day, something happened with one of my kids. Then I tried to hold it together. It was like a cement block being dropped on my un-frosted cake.

At that moment in time, I realized I had my own commitment-phobic issues. Yup, busy pointing that finger at the guy and not seeing him as a mirror of me.

I chose men I knew in some fashion would let me down. Blah, blah, blah...

Anyways, back to the dinner party.

A group of my friends brought over dinner. We all chatted about this or that....then I spoke. Kind of laid out the daughter issue, the man issue, the work issue, the money issue and finally the commitment issue.

One friend who you can always count on to be blunt, said I treated my friends in the same way. I WAS FUCKIN' COMMITMENT PHOBIC WITH MY FRIENDS! WTF?

I was dumbstruck.

She said I had played hard to get with them. They all were nodding their heads.That I wouldn't commit to events or plans too far in advance, calls may have gone unreturned, flaking at the last minute, it was funny to a couple, um yeah, but not to all. And really, especially not funny to me.

Was I such a big asshole?

I wasn't running from people on purpose, at times I was hiding out from the world, when I didn't want to be a sloppy mess in public. When I couldn't cope. When I just wanted to crawl in a hole and die. Or at times the thought of being tied down to plans would depress me or make me feel confined (can you say "commitmentphobic")

Now that I was made aware, I obviously had to address it with myself. I did not want to continue the behavior for several reasons, including my friends did not deserve such shitty behavior. And I had to stop letting my moods rule the day. I had to stop being a selfish jerk. Plus I want my relationships to have stability and for God sakes, I don't want my friends having to chase me, so stupid. I have always been this way with men, but now I was given a "bonk on the head" in having done it with people I cared about...and let me tell ya, they all chimed in and told me.

So, what did this have to do with Ganesh?

I also at this dinner was given a picture of Ganesh the remover of obstacles. I was told he would help me to get a job, clear obstacles in my love life, etc...

I obviously, duh...needed to be clearing some of this myself.

Anyway, I put him next to my bed. And would look at him once in awhile. I'd try to envision him removing obstacles. I guess, he may have placed some there so I'd get a clue....and now that I have a clue...it's time to remove them.

So, fast forward....I read more about him last night. He was described in this book. And I thought, hmmm...I have a picture of this dude, where is he? He had fallen behind my nightstand.

I picked him up and decided all the obstacles that I felt stood in the way of so much, no longer exist, there is no reason for the obstacles anymore. Sooooo.... he's under my mattress now, with my "wish list" of my husband's characteristics.

I expect my husband to show up now. :-)

RUN,RUN, RUN, FORREST...RUN

So, the chiropractor told me I have strong will and commitment. Why you ask?

To have run all these miles all these years.

He read me an article from medical journal stating 3 days a week improved 3/4 of a study group's running. The majority finished a marathon on their PR (personal record) time. They state less mileage=better performance.

I am at a point where I wonder if I'll be able to run again. At least one day a week, let alone the miracle of running three days. Or a whoopty-doo miracle would be even better, maybe I can run five days? Never again will it be seven days, those are my history now. I would love to run like I used to, but my body stopped cooperating-it obviously wasn't happy with the amount of strain, which I didn't see as strain. I saw it as a challenge to overcome. Fuck!

I don't need to go thru a challenge to win or be satisfied anymore. I frankly don't have the energy or interest. I am not in danger of being a couch potato or a recluse, but my reasons have changed for engaging in activity. Activity of any sort.

So, wishing has its moments. Do I wish to run? Can I wish it back into existence?

Thoreau

Okay I am really going to stop for the evening...but this one thought was necessary to write for the evening.

Henry David Thoreau: "As a single footstep will not make a path on the Earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind." He continued, "To make a deep physical path, we walk and walk again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives."

Good night...

The Wishing Year

Well folks, it is funny how the universe works its magical ways upon us...at least when I am paying attention.

The book, "The Wishing Year" has made is way into my hands. And the author speaks to me as though at times, she is me. I see the pragmatic, and I see the wish of not having to suffer to see it come true.

I relate to so much of this book in terms of where I've been, where I've gone and where I am going. I recommend it for anyone who is curious at least a little, to see if wishes can come true. I am about 1/2 way thru the book.

Watching synchronicity at its best and knowing there have been times when I was not crazy, but that when I have allowed it to flow, it just flows.

The best part of what this year has brought me is my own lack of neediness. That was so cool in how the author sees herself, the wishing is not from an unfulfilled, needy, can't live without a man, house, etc... it is the realization that the status quo, does not have to remain the status quo.

I don't have to just accept, I can have what I want. And I will have what I want. I hope to hell I stay this convinced over the next year.

Wish fulfillment

Wishing for a husband.

I am going to keep putting it out there, my wish for the guy to come get me. Or come for me? Not sure how that goes, cuz I really don't want to be dangling off the edge of a cliff and have him "get" me...nor do I want him to be a cop showing up at my doorstep to come "for" me. Hmmm...this will take a bit of thought.

I've always wanted a man who knows what he wants when it comes to me.

Certain things have flowed to me, no problem.....money from different places, especially lately.

I remembered last night, I have the little wish jar I bought from a magic store in Silverlake. My daughter and I filled it full of money-related items and of course, money. Its sitting on my dresser. What does it mean? How many times have I discounted it? And when have I given it credence during my unemployment? Good questions, have to think bout' them answers.

Wish|Wish|Wish
A home to entertain with my husband.

I am not stuck on what the house must look like, I'm stuck on it having a wonderful, spacious kitchen and lovely backyard to entertain many people, I love people and want to expand my existence. So, the rest of my life having people with my husband and family works well for me.

I can see myself quietly writing my to-be published books in the morning, spending time with friends and family, speaking at seminars/lectures out loud to many, sharing my life with someone who loves me deeply and profoundly. Drama and fear are in the past.

Yup...wish fulfillment is for me!

Many Moons

I used to get bummed about being alone for everything to do with my kids, sometimes I still do.

I got tired of feeling like I'm the weird one, odd man out, sufferer of all tempests and storms. I don't suffer in quite the same way anymore, there is that feeling of peace which is my newest friend.

I should be writing, vocabulary is my game. Speaking out loud is also my beauty too. A lover of people, animals, places and some things.

I wish I could reconcile both parts of myself the logical sufferer to the whimsical believer that anything can happen.

Maybe if I wish hard enough it will?

Wish or Fuck it

Today is tough. I really started doubting--can wishes come true?

Found out a job I was top runner for or so I had been told a few months back actually went to someone else. A part of me knows I would not have been too happy there, the other part--needs that work, needs that money and the aspects to the job that I love to do!

I am starting to get nervous about money; a real, true-blue husband; that I can't live this way anymore. NERVOUS, folks, yup NERVOUS. What if I really am stuck in this constant tornado, just spinning out the rest of my life?

Other moments today--I appreciate and then it dawned on me: that all I have appreciated didn't mean I got to keep it-my running-I freaking worshiped the fact that I was able to RUN, but here I am working to try and be able to once again. To lace up and fly out my front door!

I'm trying to eat better which is hard. And I'm trying to be more inline with where I want to be in my life. I just have these shitty moments, where my belief wavers, why would things change now? What is really different, except my insides? My outside, external existence looks as barren as it did 10 years ago.

Except--friends, many, many friends are part of my life. I am loved and I love, people are really the foundation of my entire existence.

I've suffered enough, I've done so many little things like candles, etc... to help set intentions. Now has anything come from these mystical experiences? Hard to say, I'd have to remember the exact intentions over the past several years and see what the results are and I frankly I can't remember shit, so it doesn't matter.

Its all a perception. All of it.

Appreciating

24 hours of appreciating, so far I am doing it about 85% of the time. My most negative moments come first thing in the morning, when I rise and automatically feel fearful. It has been a phenomenon for the most part over the past 13 years. I don't know why, specifically, I just know it is always there.

I figure I spend about 15 minutes in that space, trying to clear my head. My goal is to cut that time down, until it eventually disappears and I wake up each day "happy".

Good things can happen for me, I don't need to move 10 ton blocks, I just need to 'believe it'.

Alright, will post again if any progress is made and if I can master the next trick of the trade in this book.

An exercise in appreciation

This is something I do practice a lot, can't say I grew up with this at all.

It is to focus on different things, whether it is a piece of furniture, a person, the weather, your day, the time....and think nice, positive appreciative thoughts about it.

I started doing this a couple of years ago, I became appreciative of the fact I could run, appreciated I could see the trees, the flowers, nature, etc... it struck me at the time as odd, that I had never really on m own experienced such gratitude. It was pretty cool.

I am not able to run today, but hopefully as I appreciate it, I will be over my injury and out the door with my running shoes on treading the past behind me.....I can't wait to be married! I am so excited! It is really wonderful when it comes from a place of not being needy, but being okay with myself and where I am in my life.

The Creative Process

Step 1: I ASK
Step 2: THE ANSWER IS GIVEN
Step 3: THE ANSWER, which has been given, must be received or allowed (I have to let it in)

I am ready!
Positive affirmations, rid myself of the negative statements...thoughts and blockages as they come up.

I should meet my husband today or tomorrow, why not?

joy and abundance

“The basis of your life is freedom; the purpose of your life is joy.” (words I am now going to live by)
Some principles from Mr and Mrs. Hicks:

• The more intense your positive feelings, the faster it is coming to you.
• Relax into your natural well-being. All is well.
• As you are choosing your thoughts, your emotions are guiding you.
• Anything that you can imagine is yours to be or do or have
• You are a creator; You create with your every thought

So, now what?

1. Release resistant thoughts to getting what I want.
2. That which is like, unto itself is drawn…hmmm…okay!
3. Focus on what I want and it will come to me, however if I practice not having it…I will continue to not have it.

Okay now I need to make sure I pay attention to my emotions.

I need to imagine having what I want. Pretend it is already my experience. Flow my thoughts to the enjoyment of the experience. Practice those thoughts consistently, then it allows for the experience.

When my thoughts match the experience, I will feel good: from contentment to eagerness to joy!! WOOHOO!!!!

When my thoughts take a left turn, pessimism, insecurity and depression settle in for a visit. Yucky-pooey!

Paying attention to my emotions, I will allow the creative process.

I also need to add to my list of desires for the next year:

1. Health

2. Macintosh computer

3.An awesome, fun vacation!

Ask and it is given

So, here it is Esther and Jerry Hicks. The teachings of Abraham. For the next year(until my next birthday), I am going to live by their principles PLUS Florence Scovel Shinn and see how it all works out. It is all the law of attraction and positive thinking, yup! That is what it is all about!

The things I will be manifesting to happen before that time:

1. To be satisfied and happily married

2. To love what I do in my career, satisfied financially

3. Happiness and health for my family/friends, etc...

4. Finish my degree and begin my graduate degree

5. Live in a nice house with room to entertain people

Those are the top of my list. The rest will fall into place as time goes on.

I will attempt to post daily on things that happen.

I know the Universe works in mysterious ways. I realized yesterday, that things I stressed about worked out. I could have saved myself the stress and just gone with knowing things would have come to a positive conclusion. At least, I am seeing it and appreciating it.

Here's to a damn good year ahead, starting today!

How do I do it?

Well, here I am. I'm okay today. I have realized that I felt as though I was "waiting" for a very long time. I now feel as though it is "time". No more waiting, so as things manifest big and small, I shall record them here.

I am also going to list what I do to create my external circumstances of joy and happiness!

I am totally and completely worthy of receiving great things in my life! A nice week-end away with a man who loves me, a family trip, a peaceful hike in the mountains with the special guy, dinner at the beach, flowers, romance, giddiness, playful fun, deep-bonding, no fear, excitement, abundance, kindness, love, achievement, compassion, learning, continued happiness and love...on and on.

So, let the floodgates open as I herald this new dawning into my new existence...matching to my more peaceful internal , now it is time for the external!

Getting ready for a better deal

So, in my post yesterday I mentioned taking on a challenge of sorts for the next year, in the same vein as some recent books have displayed. I am going to decide by Sunday how I will start on Monday with this direction which will bring about change externally. I have no idea the outcome of this endeavor, I know what I'd like to see, but again don't know what that looks like and this fine.

Here's to change!

I will document what happens here.

So, a year

After looking at several titles for "year-long" forays into life changing circumstances, I have decided to embark on my own. I have not read any of these books, as of yet. I have attempted several times to read; Eat, Pray, Love. I cannot get thru the first chapter, because it seems like a sophomoric whine fest. I have been told I am wrong, so I am really trying to withhold judgment until I reach the last page of the book.

Meanwhile, there are more interesting titles out there in the 1 year life-changing genre. From saying yes to everyone who asks you out for a year or another one in which yes is stated to everything this person is asked to do, and then there is the one by a woman who followed magazine advice articles for a year. Her entire life was in disarray and supposedly by the end of the year, her life had made some radical improvements. The list goes on...and on...and on.

I am going to make a year pledge in changing the external, because I am pretty "okay" with the internal. It will never be perfect, but it is a helluva lot more peaceful inside than it used to be.

So, I have a few ideas on what I may take up for a year in changing my life.

Stay tuned as I share.

Bible Thumpin'

Man wrote the bible.

Man decides his own prejudices.

Man is a dichotomy and so is the bible.

If you "believe God" wrote the bible, then why would God put anyone on this planet who would be discriminated against? If everyone is a "child" of God? If a God exists, I am thinking God would be a lot smarter than given credit for in thoughts and actions. The God of the bible is written from a human perspective...which again reinforces who penned the prose.

The hypocrisy that people who believe God would be something to be feared or used as a tool against others, misses the whole meaning of "God like" behavior.

Sarah Palin please go away

All I can hope for is the continued fascination with this egotistical simpleton, will fade away as the country gets back on its feet and the shadows that loomed from the divisive Republican campaign, give way to a clearer road ahead. Sarah Palin is self-absorbed living in her own fantasy as to how she sees herself and this country. I look forward to the day, when I no longer hear her name as the prejudiced, hate-mongering, ignoramus that I see her to be. I would have more respect for her if she took responsibility for her "words" and apologized or conceded that maybe she "by golly" was just not cut out for the job of V.P.

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage will become legal sooner or later. All people need to do is look at history, it repeats itself and as stated here in 1967 many states still outlawed interracial marriage.

I have never understood where people can stand in judgment of others, when it does not hurt them.

You cannot stop someone from being gay, anymore than they can stop being gay. I have a major issue with people who want to bring the Church into government. Religion doesn't belong in government and anyone "protecting marriage" is full of "fill in the blank".When you can bring down heterosexual divorce, then you may be protecting someone's marriage.

Why shouldn't gay people have the same rights, we are born the way we are born, all of us. We are all different. Gay couples have children, a family, why shouldn't those children benefit from their parents being married too?

We can all be friends. I personally do not think generalizations made ever paint the true picture. I think many people were mislead by false advertising or some other "self-serving" thought process in voting "yes".

This country is made up of differences, all across the board, whether it is religion, race, creed, sexual orientation, etc...when are people going to realize we will not ever assimilate into what their ideal utopia is in their own mind?

I tell you it would make living in this world a lot easier.

Not all people who attend church voted "yes" and not everyone, I'd say a few million at least, do not picture "state and church" together. Neither did our forefathers:

First Amendment to the United States Constitution creates a "wall of separation" between church and state.

It's the 1 out of 10 days

Periods just suck ass as I get older.

When I had my birthday last year, I was gifted with a "monthly" headache. Yippee! One that does not go away with the use of any over the counter medication and one in which it feels like you have a hangover without having had the fun of the "alcohol"!

Anyways, with the funhouse effect that my periods bring on comes my mood. Dark and dingy, like ring around the collar. Trying to remain coherent and non-suicidal to the outside world. Dissolving in tears behind my sunglasses and laying in the chiropractor's office, wondering what else would be taken from me next. Yup, I AM the full on victim; if I am lucky it only lasts the one day, until I can corral my hormones back into their play pen.

I tend to find the darkness not the same as when I used to get depressed, because my self-esteem is not in the shitter. Instead, I get angry and sad that my life circumstances are as horrifying as they were 10 years ago. And why it's so horrifying is, I have run a million miles trying to change all of my circumstances, only to find myself back at square one.

I don't practice self-flagellation, I am exhausted by the mental pursuit in figuring out which decision I made was "clearly" the wrong one. Really, there are no wrong decisions.

Why?

How do you gauge that? None of us have an instruction booklet, yeah, lotsa books are written on self-improvement, how to be successful in every area of your life, blah, blah, blah. So.What. It may have worked for someone, but no two situations are just alike.

Most of us make a combination of decisions, good, bad, indifferent, stupid, funny, daring, etc... I know most people with some sort of ingenuity seem to make it out of the trenches. That is why, I can't have a pity party. I know I have done the best I can up to today and I am still in disbelief as to where I am in my life and what I can do to change it.

I have run out of ideas. I can't force the Universe nor can I call it a day and hide under my sheets for the rest of my life.

So, at this point...I wait for my hormones to at least move me back to some equilibrium and then I can continue to accept the shitty circumstances that are obviously beyond my control.

Suffering has its END

Why is it that for some suffering is nonexistent and others it is a raincoat that protects them from living life?

Suffering was my calling card, it just took me years of digging deep to finally realize that the shell of acceptance was a form of "suffering", cuz I was saying "okay" to how things "were". I was saying, sure this sucks, but I accept it, therefore I expected the suffering to abate. It never really did.

It had an ebb and flow.

It interesting, I developed an attachment to suffering. An expectation if you will. I always expected there to be a tragedy, a painful happenstance, a solitary confinement before anything good would come my way.

Ludicrous? Perhaps. There are enough spiritual traditions out there which believe suffering to be either from attachment or redemptive.

I am truly not interested in spending time suffering for any reason grand or small. I am done. I just need to detach its tentacles from around my soul and I can be on my merry way!

I will continue to throw it into the wind as I did the ashes of my ceremony.

The ceremony

Well, here it is....a ceremony.

I've had ceremonies or rituals if you will, many times in my adult years.

I pull on the plug inside of me to release the air of suffering out into the Universe. I am replacing it with good, fresh clean air. Having good without suffering.

I gathered our tin container, twigs, leaves and place a circle of rocks inside.

I wrote on a piece of paper: "I release my attachment to suffering to the Universe", forever to be abolished from my clamoring soul.

I threw it under the twigs, leaves and paper. I took my lighter and lit the pyre in my backyard, covered by the trees, so the neighbors couldn't see me in the middle of the day, HA!

I thought of many things. I thought of where this grabbing onto suffering originated as the only surefire way things would work out for me? How many times did I invite in my life? Was I in danger of inviting it in again? Even if it tries to make an appearance it will be swiftly annihilated.

That's the goal at least. Wish me luck!

I waited til the small blaze was a pile of ashes, swishing them about with a piece of wood. Then I lifted them handful by handful into the wind and watched them blow, off to some nether region in which someone wants to be attached to something that no longer serves me in any way. They can call it what they want, but I see it as "suffering" and to me there is no grand purpose to wear that coat anymore.

I am ready to join the living. The way I have forced myself into a corner emotionally and spiritually does not serve the direction I am about to take in my life. So, I set free to find the hummingbirds who followed me around this Summer and the butterflies born each day.

My short but sweet perspective

Possibility of writing for a well-knownblog...this is me in a nutshell, with a few nuts missing.

Marketing, PR and business development management basis of my career. Last position VP/GM @ Global Advertising Agency. Also: Observer of life, researcher of facts, thus allowing me to be opinionated, admirer of the oratory, passionate about the future of government/politics. Single parent to 3, unemployed 8 times in 10 years, live in affluent suburb of LA, midst of getting degree in psychology, forced entrepreneurship again--gives me a very unique perspective. Happy and wanting the world to be a better than status quo place.

I wanted to preserve that little bit of my bliss somewhere...so why not here? We'll see if they call me back based on that paragraph!

Christian Nation???

Jill Stanek is a former Illinois nurse, whose "delusional" claims about a supposed mass amount of abortions of babies born alive at a Chicago hospital is being given media time and of course, this woman states that Obama supported "infanticide."

Stanek said to her World Net Daily audience that "We are fooling ourselves if we think the United States is still a Christian nation," adding: "Its people just elected a barbarian as president."

I am so tired of people using their personal "self-righteous" religion in this country to blend with their political landscape. I am especially tired of the "Christian nation" notion. I am tired, tired, tired.

There are so many other people here in this country who are non-Christian. Do people forget we are a "melting pot", everyone here is an immigrant or has in some generation been an immigrant, excluding Native Americans who were here before anyone else!

The"Christian" label is another way of separating people, instead of bringing them together. This woman is "fearful, inspires fear and dulls all hope." Hope, that we can all just get along, ya know accept each other and not freak out about others' choices.

I would never bring my own beliefs and force them upon someone else, especially when it has nothing to do with me. I know many Christians and others with a strong foundation, who would never proselytize their beliefs.

There is a control freak attitude when people try to make "personal" decisions for others. And as I like to say, until you've walked a thousand miles in another person's shoes...you have no right to judge their actions. (This precludes any violence, of course)

"The government of the United States is not in any sense founded upon the Christian religion."
--Treaty of Tripoli, ratified by the Senate and signed by John Adams.

The day after history was made

I have not been able to focus on anything else, but the feeling of "hope". Our new president, no matter what he does in office, brings with him "hope".

Hope that in this country if you dream big or small, your chances of realizing the dream can be achieved. Anyone can set their goal and move toward it, there are no limitations, except one's self. That is all that really ever limits us. Our inner critic or a part of us who has grown accustomed to the "comfort" of discomfort rather than the unknown. The unknown can be scary, but to me complacency is scarier.

I can no longer sit and waste away when it comes to having given up on my dreams. I am not sure how to go get them, but I figure if I take baby steps I shall get there. They say, set the goal, but don't be upset if things veer from the plan...just keep your eye on the prize.

Day before election day

Sarah Palin is just clueless.

Does Obama think terrorists are the good guys? I understand many people in the country believe his affiliations with a couple of people are questionable, because of their incendiary histories. Then again, I don't understand how we have the current president we do either.

Are individuals who think that a career in politics, entails doing background checks on everyone they choose to "pal around with"? Do people only hang out with like-minded people or are there citizens who actually like the intellectual stimulation of a different perception or realize that their common ground may not be a political ideology, but maybe they bond over gardening?

Back to Sarah, does she ever state what she stands for in terms of what policies will be in place if her team wins? Or is it just this hate-spewing rhetoric, total ignorance and continued lies that have been the only continuity in their campaign?

I am so embarrassed for her, she doesn't even know how (fill in the blank with your favorite adjective)she sounds, and even if she was aware of how she has displayed herself....I am sure through her arrogance, she believes there is actual truth to her words.

Please make her go away!

Bits and pieces

I have reached a new place with myself.

I am over everyone I ever dated (hi, yeah, let's say just for today, cuz God knows what tomorrow will bring).

It took an effort emotionally, to not fall into the "hope and dream fantasy". It took reminding my emotions of what took place and the odd clarity in which I could see it objectively.

As you know, when the cloud of smoke clears and you are truly moving toward emotional neutrality, the objectivity begins and continues. My objectivity started a few months back only to be interrupted with these momentary lapses of sanity. The last lapse culminating a week ago, was good for me.

It allowed me to submerse myself into the "reality" of what had happened and what continued to happen...and it was painful, but my emotions needed some straight talk to finally unhook once and for all.

So, with the objectivity comes the inevitable, "I did that, Oh my God what was I thinking?!" or "If this happened now, the amount of confidence I have...I would never put up with it", etc... there are many of those lightbulb moments, now that I have wound my way around the corner into freedom.

I am free...

I am okay...and at peace in this moment (God knows it could also change in a moment) HA!