Weird Ass Dream

Dream last night was interesting...

I was with a group of childhood friends in a place or a village near the ocean. One of my friends has a 5 year old, but in this dream he's a baby (yet it didn't even look like her kid). Somehow, I end up carrying the baby. We go from store, to restaurant, to rental houses, and find one next door to a restaurant. As in, there is a sliding glass door that separates the living space from the restaurant(weird). There is a backyard which is a green hillside ending on the banks of the river below. This backyard has been in so many of my dreams. I have no idea where it is in real life or if it does exist.

Somehow, I get separated from my friends, now I'm with my kids. We're laying around in a strange car on a strange driveway, I don't know why or where I am.

Then, FLASH, I'm inside a hotel, leaving a room, which has an amusement park sort of feel to it. The escalators move quickly downward, creating the sensation of queasiness in my stomach. As I proceed down the escalator, I strike up a casual conversation with a delivery guy. Then BOOM, I'm with my friends and I've lost the baby, who by the way had been barfing poop everywhere.

I tell everyone that I left the baby at the hotel. We go ripping through the crowds back there; my friend is hysterical. And funnily enough, part of me was indignant, how dare they expect me to be responsible when they were off having fun?

So, somewhere in my mind I left the baby on the escalator. The front desk says they've not seen the baby. My friend is crying all over the counter. I go to the escalator and there is a valet standing there, I ask him if he saw the baby. He says "yes, I saw who has the baby and here's their card." One of my friends starts giving me a hard time about the baby. I get pissed, because I didn't ask for the responsibility. The dream meanders off. Then I realize at some point, I didn't have the baby on the escalator. I don't remember anything else.

Hmmm...I wonder? Last night, I came home and yelled at my 17 year old who for years has nagged me when I'm out of the house at night. Her variety of questions, extends to "When are you coming home?", "Come home soon" to "What are you going to feed me?" It is a theme for several years that I am sick of at this point. Considering this is the child who cops an attitude with me, the moment I enter the room at any time or any day of the week.

My friends last night reacted as everyone else has in the past....ignore her. They see me getting irritated. This child barely speaks to me at home, but yet tries to hang guilt trips on me when I am out. I'm so fucking annoyed; I've ignored her; not ignored her---whatever and she still causes me grief. She plays into my parental guilt. No more. With my meltdown came clarity.

I think the dream comes from, my not wanting to be responsible for anyone else. I have been overly responsible for so many over the years, bit by bit I have cut those strings loose. Now I am cutting loose with my kids. Two are adults and the last will be one next year. I am worn out. And I just want to be responsible for me.