Wish or Fuck it

Today is tough. I really started doubting--can wishes come true?

Found out a job I was top runner for or so I had been told a few months back actually went to someone else. A part of me knows I would not have been too happy there, the other part--needs that work, needs that money and the aspects to the job that I love to do!

I am starting to get nervous about money; a real, true-blue husband; that I can't live this way anymore. NERVOUS, folks, yup NERVOUS. What if I really am stuck in this constant tornado, just spinning out the rest of my life?

Other moments today--I appreciate and then it dawned on me: that all I have appreciated didn't mean I got to keep it-my running-I freaking worshiped the fact that I was able to RUN, but here I am working to try and be able to once again. To lace up and fly out my front door!

I'm trying to eat better which is hard. And I'm trying to be more inline with where I want to be in my life. I just have these shitty moments, where my belief wavers, why would things change now? What is really different, except my insides? My outside, external existence looks as barren as it did 10 years ago.

Except--friends, many, many friends are part of my life. I am loved and I love, people are really the foundation of my entire existence.

I've suffered enough, I've done so many little things like candles, etc... to help set intentions. Now has anything come from these mystical experiences? Hard to say, I'd have to remember the exact intentions over the past several years and see what the results are and I frankly I can't remember shit, so it doesn't matter.

Its all a perception. All of it.