This Year, Last Year

New Years: How to spend it? Do I go to bed and ignore it? Do I go out to a party and live it up? Or do I hang with girlfriends and watch movies?

2007 New Years' Eve was not highly fabulous. I was dating the last guy who was busy telling me how he wanted to take me traveling in his new motor home to Mammoth during the ski season; he also said he wanted to travel with me for business (without even being invited, HA); he wanted to learn to snowboard with me.... Um yeah, a whole list of "wants" he had on top of these and none came true.

That's who I was dating a year ago. A man with a whole lotta empty promises *not coerced*, but made of his own volition. Why make promises you can't keep? I'll never know, I can guess, but who cares really? The whole dilemma is so in the past.

I've been moving on down the yellow brick road.

So, last year at this time on this day; I had heard from "him".I had seen him the day after X-Mas to get my present. Which by the way, brought out a tremendous amount of anxiety, which I still can't look inside and figure where it stemmed from at all! It may have had to do with him telling me he was heading out of town on X-Mas Day, and having had a change of plans without telling me? He was not my boyfriend, so he didn't owe that to me. And to envision him is to envision the Nutty Professor, all over the map. Maybe the anxiety came from my last relationship, where my ex told me one thing and did another in terms of his "lying". Nutty (I think I'll refer to him with this name from now on) was not a liar, just disorganized.

I should mention that on X-mas day 2007, he saw me at the Rose Bowl running in the middle of the day. And I didn't see him drive by- he sent me a text to let me know he had seen me. We always ran across each other over the past year or so-except lately, since I stay within the 1 mile boundary of my own neighborhood.

So, the day after X-Mas he took his kids and left for Mammoth. On the trip, he would send me random text messages, like I wish I had a chocolate chip cookie here and you laying with me all cuddled up, etc...(no dirty talk--woulda caused him a stroke and cuz I didn't know we were exchanging gifts--I told him his would be a baked gift)

He and I had been dating a month and a half. I had no idea what to think with him-we had strong chemistry-no sex yet....nothing besides holding hands and a peck here and there. A guy friend of mine suggested, "Well he hasn't tried anything, so it's probably "just friends" ."

So, as I said before, my trick was to get over someone while I was still with them, so I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain, because I was liking them too much...and what if they didn't like me as much? And this guy was no different in my search for self-control and well basically, "control over him too".

On the Saturday two days before New Years Eve, I was on a 14 mile training run.I finally felt myself let go after trying to figure out what the hell I was so attached to with him. Two minutes later, I ran past all the RVs lined up at the Rose Bowl parking lot, getting ready to set up camp over the next few days for the Rose Bowl.

I receive a text from him as I go by the group, thinking one RV looked familiar to me, but that would be weird, since I assumed he was still up North. His text says he is at the Rose Bowl waiting to park his RV. He wanted to know if I wanted to spend the next several hours and the night with him.

I realized, it was his RV I had run past. I told him within a few texts that I was available. And I also told him, "Guess what I'm running around the Rose Bowl now!" He was so excited, he said, "God must have brought you to me! "And did I want water, a nap or a sandwich?" I continued running to the RV spot, where I saw him wildly waving his arms at me.

(I hate remembering all the synchronicity with him--cuz that is when it pulls at me and then I have to look at the "not so great", so I don't start missing a fantasy.)

So, forget the rest of that day/night, onto the next day. Besides this man telling me how terrific our time together was and how he couldn't find anything wrong with it (he said with a smile)--like it was just perfect--we had so much fun, it never ended up mattering, none of it mattered.

The next day we saw a friend of his who asked if I was accompanying him to the Rose Bowl. And I wasn't; his friend thought that was wrong. He was taking his kids and wanted to take his time introducing me to them. Little did I know I would continue to feel this "last" place sort of importance to him as time went on.

He took me home, so he could get his kids. He sent me a couple texts here and there over the next day and a half--mostly referring to how I rocked his world. And at Midnight on New Years Eve-he sent me a text. I was at a very small, boring party that evening. (see my hesitancy in going out this year-another boring party?)

I'm thinking things with Nutty are moving slowly, yet consistently forward. Then I sent a text to him New Years Day- no response- in fact no response for a couple days.

There is more to it, as to what transpired over the following days and maybe I'll be inspired to be straight up about that time too. Thing is I was trying to be the good chick-not demanding he spend time with me, being nonchalant, playing it cool...but inside it was tearing me up. And frankly, it was manipulative. I wasn't happy with being the good chick, it sucked!

I also screwed myself by saying it was early in our dating, and we're taking it slow. At that point, had I known his ex-girlfriend was actually an ex-fiancee that left him 3 weeks before his wedding.....I would've ran!

I want to be drawn to a good guy. Please let me be drawn to someone good and healthy!

I cannot have another scenario which causes anxiety to that extreme (I seriously enlisted hypnotherapy to stay sane!)...I doubt I'd allow it to happen again. Knowing I survived this with its killer chemistry and connection, means ain't no ties gonna bind me to anything remotely resembling an indecisive man. In fact, I feel this surge in me that says, "Like hell you'll stick around for stupid behavior". I am so over any sort of game playing or retardation....

Now if a man communicates his fears...and is really asking me to be there to help him heal-then I can consider it based on his actions (If he is pulling "hide and seek" with me, no way).

I am not waiting for any man to get his shit together. I'm not playing a game--I am serious about wanting to be married and having a good partner who already knows what he wants.

Under The Tuscan Sun

I watched this movie again with a couple of friends last night. The building of the train tracks thru the Swiss Alps years before a train was to go through it; Getting ready and being ready for what you want to come to you. Like chasing ladybugs and wanting one, then falling asleep in the meadow and waking up covered in them. So, much synchronicity in that movie. It is how I am living my life.

Today I woke with some melancholy feelings, which after my walk had turned into more steely reserve in having my wishes come true.

Being around my friend "D" wears me out. Her patterns and struggles are never broken, which is fine, just please don't complain about your circumstances if you can't or won't change the pattern. She doesn't make me happy to be around, I always feel uneasy. She is still a victim. And I have to ask is she my mirror? Is this person a reflection of me? I hope not. I think she is just drawn to me, cuz I don't see my life the same way as she does in how she is in the world. Life happens through us, not to us. A shift in how you show up and anchoring into a deeper truth of who you are.

My boundaries, ability to take risks, not keeping my mouth shut, speaking up when I need to say something and not being afraid. I remind myself, when I look back on all sorts of situations both personal and professional, how I screwed myself by keeping my mouth shut and going with it.

I no longer can sacrifice myself as my friend "D" still can...and if I become desperate for money(which I am, cuz I am broke), will I be tested to NOT take a job which will be the death of me-seriously? Do I need to have a 10th time of unemployment in 9 years???? I'm scared to take that risk, but I have to or how will my life ever change? So, if the Universe is so inclined to send me some of the same shiteous jobs that I have had--I WILL TURN THEM DOWN! And believe me I was desperate in the past and I'm just as financially desperate now. I cannot get attached to having something so badly, that I do whatever it takes in terms of being a chameleon-then I will fuck myself.

No more. And once again I will mention: If any man comes along, I have to keep being true to myself. I have to allow them to pursue me and be cool with it....and NOT get overly eager and shortcut the process or give in too easily to chemistry or hear the words out of their mouth and give them meaning until I see the action.

I am hopeful for the Universe to shower me with kindness and not bring me anyone with commitment issues.

As an example of my COMMITMENT to myself; the guy from eHarmony, who I was conversing with thru email, said he'd call this week-end. I haven't heard from him. Now here are the places my head goes: he is commitment-phobic and he's scared cuz we talked about subjects from deeper questions asked of each other; or he will call; or he is not interested. My biggest fear is that he will call after the week-end; he’ll have some excuse and therefore it is up to me at that point to decide if I continue, will I be a hard ass or do I wait and see? With putting my boundaries into play, I don’t want to turn into a paranoid jerk, but I also don’t want to invite in any more weak men. I have to do a gut check. With that said, “he’s outta here.”

Risky Behavior

I am in a space of BEING OPEN. And a nagging message started playing this morning.

I realized I cannot make it easy for the last guy or any man. It takes away their power. Why would I ever want to take someone else’s power away? I guess in the past, it was to insure that they would not leave me. I was underhandedly manipulative.

I figured, if I was independent, nice and went with the flow, why would any man ever leave? Of course, that would only be in the beginning, when I was not needy and I was still in control of my emotions.

Then after awhile, I would have to fight tooth and nail to get something in return. This of course, would get ugly. It was in different degrees and in a variety of situations, but it always came back to the same thing. While STILL in the relationship, I’d work on getting over it…trying to distance myself emotionally (become numb), so that I was in control of myself. This would also create a space for him to “like me more than I liked him” and therefore I would be in control.

Sick?

Oh yes. I couldn’t handle rejection or feeling out of control in a relationship. I could not allow my own vulnerability to be uncompensated. I actually remember confessing this to the last guy in the Spring. It was one of my earlier attempts to get real with myself.

You cannot reach out to someone who takes no responsibility, who is a victim…..you will have a one-sided relationship that is painful and in which you are giving, but not receiving.

This road I walk now is different and will not allow me to be manipulative in landing a relationship. It has to be more pure. To be open to love, is to be fully engaged in life.

Hence, a man must come of his own free will. I will not entice him, manipulate him or act in a way that is “ass-kissing” to get what I want. I will be “me”, no matter what. And that is a tall order.

If someone has done or said something in which that behavior is compromised toward you, it is your choice to condone or stand up for yourself. You do not have to beret the person–you can state their behavior to be what it is toward you and either they take responsibility or they don’t; then you decide if you will tolerate it or you decide to move away from that individual. A deeper connection can result or a cutting of the ties at some point dependent on one’s ability to take responsibility.

The particular scenario I’m about to state…came to me in a psychic impression this morning. Right or wrong, it is a hill I must climb, even if it never takes place in reality.

If the last guy wanted to walk back in my life, I cannot make it comfortable for him. He would have to be responsible for his own actions, you know accountable to himself, then I am not doing him a favor if it is easy. It is not that I have to be mean or point the finger, it is that I have to allow him to show up however he needs to whether it means we would end up together or he is making amends to me before moving on to another relationship. I have to be okay with it and not be attached. Even if he were to never contact me to tell me he any of this, it may just be the Universe telling me, I have to be open to this possibility, because it shows non-attachment and my ability to love….and thus, a good partner is finally available for me.

If he shows up, I still need to be open to what his message would be, yet staying within my boundaries.

He’d be taking a risk; being a man and bringing himself to the plate, if that were the case. Risk equals reward or devastation. But we can all rise form the ashes as the Phoenix if we so choose. When in control of yourself, you can be present and responsible.

In any case, this presents my challenge…to be open and not be attached, knowing I may have to give someone else the opportunity to grow if he chooses.

Harmony and all that crap

Unprecedented experiences are where I am at in this moment.

I realized yesterday on an emotional level, that just cuz something occurred in the past, history does NOT have to repeat itself. I know in this moment it is mine to create how I want it to look.

I am also taking risks.

I am changing patterns and beliefs daily. It is slow; happening teeny piece by teeny piece.

Being 100% responsible for my life, looking inside rather than outside for my life circumstances.

I decided on using eHarmony that I do not have to hurry to meet someone. I used to feel I didn't want to communicate too much ahead of time, because it would feel like a waste of time if we met (major expectations) and then what if we didn't end up having chemistry? MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT!

Now, that I am looking for more depth, I have told two men today, that I would prefer to ask more questions through email and see if there is enough basis of commonality to meet at some point.

One of the deciding reasons?

One guy wrote something to me about music and stated he was "thankful" that I liked Metallica and not "Hip Hop", cuz those women in our age group still go to Forever 21 and try to act young," he also went on to say something like, "They are SO not young! What are they thinking?" Interestingly, enough, I never said anything about my "likes or dislikes" (I am wearing a Metallica t-shirt in the picture). All this made me think is "he is critical, judgmental and angry."

The more you email with people, the more you get to know them, by those sort of off-handed remarks they make. Now, I am still open to see what else he has to say, but he does show a mean streak....and I have been done for a long time with angry men.

Another guy said he was thankful that I was open to someone who was not extremely attractive, etc...which read to me as a lack of confidence...all of these things will thwart a healthy relationship. There is a lack of responsibility for oneself in what both men stated--they are putting the responsibility back on women to show up in a way that makes them comfortable. Now, I have stated my request to these guys in taking time by emailing and not meeting right away...so they both could tell me to take a flying leap!

I was at a party last night talking to a 45 year old woman who had never been married. She made statements about how nit picky she has become...if a guy sits with his back to the wall and her facing the wall. Then he is a "jerk". She said, "It is inconsiderate for him to think my facing a wall is not selfish." I said to her,"You know men like to face the door, so they can make sure no one sneaks up on you to harm you. They like to have a view of the room to make sure it all is safe for you." She looked sheepish and said, "Well I was using that as a small example." And I thought, she is never going to meet someone who can live up to her standards.

I am definitely not nitpicking, but am reveling in the enjoyment of getting to know men through communication without pressure.

I am being open, yet clear on my boundaries.

I was pregnant

Gotta love those dreams. I was pregnant in my dream last night. I looked down as I was jogging and thought I was pretty trim and fit for being 6 months along. I have no idea who the Dad was or the point of the dream. I don't usually think dreams are that significant, just the ones where you feel like you were with a person. It seems to take an entire day to shake loose that essence.

I go down the road of opening myself more and more, to the point of looking back and thinking "Holy cow", how closed off was I to love and sharing myself? Crazy!

I heard from the "last guy" yesterday. Funny my blog post yesterday, said, "All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband", so...it must be him! NOT! HA! Instead, I think he has become the "Text Hallmark Greeting Card Service". I hear from him every holiday; sort of odd, since I don't hear from him at any other time, unless I run into him. Wonder if I'll get a text for Flag Day too?

I had three exercises, recently come up in the book I have been following. They always seem to come as I have already started or completed that exercise without the aid of the book. It is funny and reassuring that what I have intuitively done on my own is worthwhile and illuminates my desire to be at peace and married.

Man I am tired, I also had red wine last night (which I do drink lately--many of my friends are wine lovers), but it was a Cabernet Sauvignon...and it was pretty dry, which may explain why I am laying flat as I type this and want to go back to sleep.

Okay...so....first exercise: Cultivating solitude. I saw the headline of the chapter and thought, "I could lead a class on this one". I would be someone who has cultivated "too much" solitude. Let me clarify, not depressing solitude or recovering from broken heart solitude (although I could teach a class on those too), but the time I take everyday and have for years to either run or walk, emptying my head of thoughts and being with nature or nothing. My ability to have solitude at other times is good too, in the car driving for hours, hanging out at my house staring at the ceiling, reading, also sitting on my porch staring at the trees, being creative, etc...I am good at solitude in all forms. The book wants you to be comfortable, cool I am already there. Thing is I am ready to share my solitude with someone else. I used to bristle if I did not get my solitude, it made me feel out of sorts. Now, I willingly and freely give it up if need be or minimize my "aloneness" to the degree in which I am not resembling a freakin' hermit.

Years ago, when I first got divorced: I HATED being alone. When my kids were at their Dad's house, I had to keep myself occupied for fear that I'd end up with myself as my only company. I was unhappy, because this was not the picture of how I wanted my life to look. I didn't want to be a single parent; I wanted someone to share my life with, but I just didn't get that I needed to be true to myself , FIRST! It took me years to get to where I am now and when I have a silent house, I am ecstatic. When I have a full house, I am ecstatic too!

Exercise 2: The next one was "who am I making wrong" and seeing it from their viewpoint. Hilarity! I was with my parents and kids yesterday. We got on a subject that I had a clear memory of being "one way" and my parents remembered it differently. I thought about it and wondered how many other "subjects" we saw differently when remembered from the past. And really what matters? I am sure some of what they said and did when I was growing up was unconscious. Left over from their own childhoods. I could also look at it from their perspective, they always thought they were doing the right thing, even when it was the wrong thing.

I don't want to choose to make them accountable and myself the victim. If anything, I want to move as far from that model as possible. What does that mean then? To continue forgiving them, they are only human. To keep my boundaries and drop the anger if any is left or erupts unexpectedly. To be gracious and generous with love, while keeping to my boundaries--that way there is less of a chance anyone will get hurt. It has been a long road, because the boundaries my Mother wanted and still wants--have to do with her personal viewpoint on her "own" needs. She doesn't get that others do not agree or may be content where she is not at all. This could fill a novel, but it is really about being separate and loving for me in terms of "them".

The last guy was also someone I made wrong for the past several months. At times, I would feel I had forgiven, let go and moved on...and I have to a certain degree. In fact, today...I know that he is not right for me, anyone who cannot give is not right for me. I don't expect him to ride in and say he can commit. I get that he couldn't for his own reasons, right or wrong...they were right to him. If we all just learned to respect someone else's wishes and not coerce of force people to do things they do not want--it'd be a lot better world to live in. Anyways, point is whenever feelings of "not understanding" come up for me in terms of him in the future...I can take a quick "put myself in his shoes" moment and know that I wasn't right for him or he was too hurt from his past or I scared him or he wanted to be footloose and fancy free, whatever it is...he has as much right to his feelings as I do.

exercise 3: the question is "What do I think I absolutely must have in order to be happy? Well sugar, it's like this...nothing, but myself. I, of course say this wanting everyone in my life to be safe, healthy and happy. Aside from that, I have nothing material, no money (in fact I think there exists 20.00 in my checking account), no job, no security, can't pay my rent, etc... and I am happy. I have some crappy moments, but I have and will remain happy. It is finding it no matter what your external stuff is or realizing you can't wait for the "relationship" to walk in the door. You can't wait for the trip, the money, the house, or whatever it is you "want"...it has so little to do with actual happiness. Cuz I have had many things; they did not make me happier. It gave me more freedom in a sense, but at the time I was a prisoner of my own perception that I was lacking certain things in my life...therefore you could have given me a pot of gold at the time and I would not have been "happy".

I am supposed to thank God for my life exactly as it is right now. And, I am thankful. I surrender myself to what is currently in my life, as I try to open up myself to bigger and greater things with more people and opportunities.

I do not have an attachment to out comes, I have just asked for my BIGGEST wish in life to be fulfilled...and I have no idea who that lucky man will be, but I am excited to meet him!

The day of a million hours

Christmas Day.

It is almost like any other day of the year for me as I get older. It has essentially no meaning, maybe because I have "beaten" the meaning out of it over the years? It started ebbing away as a kid. My Mom always had high expectations for all holidays. It put tremendous pressure on the rest of the world to come through for her.

We all were supposed to have ESP in knowing what to get her and what to do. Of course, she thought she had ESP in knowing what we wanted--but she chose no better, unless given specific instructions.

The material side of X-Mas ceased to hold a thrill for me many years ago. When my kids were small, I seemed to have gotten back on the holiday wagon, "How fun to have them to celebrate with" and it was to a certain degree. I was in my "perfect" days of trying to pull it off single-handedly, remember I was married to someone like my Dad in that sense (although he was usually like my Mom)...he didn't help at all.

So, fast forward to now. My kids just went to their Dad's for breakfast and presents. We didn't open our gifts yet (considering I am flat broke I spent the last few pennies I had on presents and groceries), we will when they come back and then head out to meet my parents at TGIF, woohoo!

Then I am supposed to go to my friends' parents home. I have no problem with casual get-togethers during the holidays. I have no problem with family get-togethers as long as it is either my family or my guy's family. Other than that--it isn't fun or interesting to be at someone else's family celebration for the most part, I would prefer to curl up with a movie and some wine in my pajamas. I have no desire to get dressed up and go grit my teeth through being somewhere I do not want to be at all. Yes, I can make the best of it, I always do. I guess the bigger issue is that my friend went and asked her in-laws with the expectation that I would show up. I never committed. Unfortunately, she is imposing a guilt trip, because she us afraid to tell her Mother-in-law that I and another friend are not coming. What does that say about her honesty and ability to communicate with others, twisting her friend's arms to join in their less festive celebration?

Whatever! Anyways...the exercises for today....allow myself to feel and then go into the emotion, just stay with it and give it a name. Don't analyze, just be present. I have done this one before, but unfortunately today...it uncovered my melancholy, sadness and fear. Also intermingled with excitement, peace and happiness.

I was thinking about my husband showing up in my life. I started to get nervous, because "what if the Universe wants to test me more?", by bringing another guy who is not emotionally supportive...and of course I won't know that until I am in knee-deep in it...I cannot handle another dude who I have chemistry with and then find I have to extricate myself again. That fear of "what if I feel that comfortable feeling again", should I run? I started to freak this morning, wondering what I have to do to have a really great partner come in my life?

I have been very cognizant about not bringing in a warm body or a replacement for the last guy. I wanted to make sure I was fully aware and as whole as I can be, before someone new came in the door. I will never be 100% okay, no one is, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in that instead of making it worse....makes it okay?

The one guy I have been talking to through eHarmony is really cool, he said even if we don't hit it off, we could probably work together...wouldn't that be funny?

And then it dawned on me this morning, he is in a family of 3 kids!!! OH NO!!!! Every single man I have spent time with except one, came from a family of three kids. Usually they are the baby in the family too. My ex-husband was the middle child. I am the oldest of two. What is up with that? It made me want to start running from this guy. I have no strength to get into a shitty situation again...and I don't know if this would be or not, but at this point in my life...I look at these things and think, "WTF?"

I will walk away from something which is not suitable, non-supportive men...I do not care what chemistry there is, I am out! So, we'll see with this guy, maybe he is the oldest child too? Although, he has two sisters...leads me to believe he is the youngest.

All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband to be to make an appearance in my life.

Closer to Nirvana

As I woke this morning and walked...

The guy is slip-sliding away, finally in the right way too. His being a symbol for my Father is losing its potency.

Talking with this other man from eHarmony-whether he is someone I end up dating or not, has shown me the way I am now headed with being able to find comfort from myself. eHarmony guy had a loving childhood, he is kind, compassionate, mature....and not that I have a clue as to where it goes, I am really good. He may still turn out to be an axe murderer. At least our conversations are consistent.

I can try to explain this further, it is hard to put all of this in words. I usually am critical of a guy in the first few interactions of getting to know him-very narrow parameters. I am quick to discount someone, when I don't know if there is chemistry.

Every time I notice the thought for a split second of "Oh, he's too nice" or "he's already into me and doesn't even know me"--I should mention it isn't that he's doing anything crazy or professing love on the first date. SO, NOW... I stop and ask myself, "Is this a problem?" And I now think for a moment and respond to myself with, "Nope, not at all"...its a very peaceful rather than anxious feeling. The anxiousness and connection to things which throw me off balance is quickly dissipating. I always wanted a steady relationship, FOR YEARS! One that had no jealousy or crazy anxiety, wondering where he was or he was wondering where I was or he gave me the silent treatment, hanging up on me or some other intolerable bullshit. I always craved an adult relationship, but had no clue how to have one...I had no idea my patterns and beliefs were so deeply ingrained.

The beauty of this morning is I woke up, still experiencing the feeling from last night of "the last guy" as a reminder of my Dad. The whole thing with its challenge of getting and maintaining his love/commitment to his kindness, but inability to express himself in a timely manner--is just not really much of an issue anymore. As in, I am healing a childhood wound that has been there for 40 something years, in so many relationships with men. The push/pull that I normally engage with in some capacity is nonexistent -I do not feel it enough to want control. I always like to have a certain numbness even in my attraction to someone, so I cannot get emotionally attached and be in control.

My needing to be, needy--when I feel vulnerable in exposing more of myself--I dig deeper. It has faded to the point that I almost don't care at all about that "last guy". The pull is barely registering, the fear of running into him is being replaced with images of kindness, but no feeling of unrequited emotions. Hopefully, it means once and for all the childhood beliefs are being replaced with my current beliefs.

All that I have been going thru on my journey to heal and meet a great guy make sense. The guy I want to marry is someone so different than this last man and the feelings elicited by dating him. When I place myself in a state of mind of calmness, imagining a relationship, I like the feeling of intimacy without drama. I like the calmness of someone who is in my corner. I am not as concerned with the package, but how we would be as a team.

I am 99% over the past....teeny twinges that I see disappearing as I look at it.....

It will be nice to be writing about my present as a beautiful relationship and never revisit the past again in terms of a warm and satisfying relationship.

Exercise for today

Questions of the day for my exercises in BEING the magnet I have always been (just didn't know it).

*What are my commitments to myself?

To attract my husband to my life. To be there for myself emotionally. To establish my boundaries. To get my graduate degree. To be a coach. To find work that does not kill me. To maintain inner peace. To connect with others daily. To be able to be in a loving, warm, committed relationship with a man. To not slam things shut (no more black and white) and go numb (false sense of control), trying to get over or separate from people (I'm really never okay this way) in which it may cause me or has caused me pain. To remind myself of my own importance. I am committed to magical things being allowed in my life. My own happiness and joy. To being a good person to myself-treating myself kindness.

*What are my commitments to god/universe?

To talk to god regularly. To not purposely hurt others. To do what I can to make this world a better place. To spread peace and happiness. To be a good person in caring for others.

*What are my commitments to others?

To be a good mom, friend and person. To help when I can. To be committed to being there for others whenever needed. To have strong relationships with all sorts of people. To give and receive love openly within my boundaries.

*Which if any of my commitments have become obligatory and outdated, and should be either renegotiated and/or released?

I am not sure I have many; there may be hidden commitments. I always think people will come to a point they find they don't like me underneath everything. Leftover from my mother saying how unlikable I am and my Father's rejection of me--I was never good. So, the commitment to my unlikableness would need to go.

• Worrying about my kids and their stuff, having to raise them; they are raised, release the commitment.
• My old work ethic: work hard and kill yourself, release that commitment.
• Goals that no longer suit me, release all the commitments that are not inline with my real identity.
• Making sure I find something to focus on to make myself feel bad. Fantasizing about unattainable men and relationships, waiting for them to realize the mistake they made (just like Pops), goodbye to that commitment.

What new commitments can I make to help expand my sense of connection and belonging in the world?

• I am interested in establishing deeper relationships with people who are emotionally available.
• To further reach out to others and help them.
• To love and connect with my beloved husband.
• To create a career that resonates and rewards me so I can do all the things I am meant to do here on this planet.
• Not waste more time making myself miserable.
• Honor myself.
• Remain grounded knowing my dreams do come true, positive things do happen to me and I deserve them.
• There is nothing wrong with me,and I am committed to more self-acceptance.
• To be my own emotional support and welcome it from others.

Call me, "Chatty Cathy" today

I had a reason for writing this addition to my numerous additions today. What was it? I have another friend "K" who is now taking my lead on finding a good guy. We'll see if she sticks to it; she tends to still be victimizing herself, so I am not sure; cuz when she called this morning, she said "I am a giver of being open", and I said, um....repeat after me, "I am open to giving and receiving love". We went thru this yesterday, she even wrote it down, but something tells me it wasn't a priority for her to state it and believe it.

Argh! Why did I open up another post? I really can't remember. I need to be a receptive flower, I dropped my "man" energy? No, that wasn't it, although it is true.

Alright--stream of conscious until the point of this blog hits me upside the grey matter!

I have always had the "desire" to have a man who really wants me. Not that I have not been wanted, but when a mman has made the decision in his mind that you are it without drama, manipulation or games. An emotionally available man coming for me. That's it!!!!! "The man coming to get me!" Remember a billion posts ago, I struggled with that term.

Well it hit me yesterday--I want him to come get me. It is what resonates with my gut. It is what feels natural. And would be something I have never experienced.

A wonderful man wanting to put a ring on my finger (And not because I am kicking him out of my house and it is his last attempt at staying in a dysfunctional relationship with me). The man who loves me like none other and doesn't want to let me go. The man coming to get me.

I realize my Dad never made me a priority, I always felt unimportant. And it dawned on me, because I would always accept men who were workaholics or had other priorities. I felt okay knowing I could have a little bit, but not the whole thing or anything close to being at the top of the list.

I always had the survivor or I'll figure it out myself mentality. Wow, I really had created such an identity for myself, so I would never feel pain nor would I ever be a burden and of course if I was all of that--then who could resist me? Right?

The man who wants to take care of me and realizing all of these things which kept me alone and single--frightening--frightening, when you can see it as "glaringly" obvious. And weird when you keep dropping these beliefs by the side of the road. Man have I ever made my life far more difficult then it ever had to be, ever! And I am not talking with just the "man" thing, I am talking in all relationships and my career too.

The night before last "the past guy" came for me in my dream. How funny, I knew I dreamt of him cuz I woke up feeling like he and I had been physically in each other's presence. In the dream, the conveyance was his exes had been put in a place were he is freer.

I need to make sure I'm freer in myself-I can only be true to me. If I ever was with him again, it would be funny, because I would be so different, not worried about pleasing him or trying to be perfect in some weird "dating book" way....I would be myself. YES! MYSELF! DAMMIT!!!!!

As I walked in my neighborhood yesterday, I had moments of doubts. I swatted them away easier than ever. I was able to say, "no" to fear and doubt. I actually had the weirdest vibe, that I was going to round the corner to my house and see the "man's vehicle" parked in front of my house. It didn't happen, but I still wasn't discounting it. I must stay open to all, even if he never shows up. Remember this is the man who said we were a match forever and then turned around and said he could not do a relationship (uh yeah, he wasn't rejecting me, just a relationship), but in the same breath that who knows we could be together some day in the future, cuz we were meant to be....enough fucking with my head on that one, huh?

I realize somewhere in me it plays to that small child who created a numb wall around her, so as not to feel pain. I was waiting for my Dad to make me a priority, accept me as I was and support me--cuz honey, I was hung out to dry as a kid. I know this, I see it, and I am doing my best to heal it and let it go.

My husband will do what has never been done not just in pursuit of me--he'll know I am the one for him, and I will be fully aware seeing him as the one who suits me.

My husband will accept me for who I am and who I am not. He will love me and be there as my fame grows, as my abilities to reach more people grows. I will meet the president someday.

I said this post was a stream of consciousness, *wink*

Just a daily adventure

As I continue to crack my ass open and be "vulnerable" to ridicule in my enduring "belief" of my wish to have a husband before my next birthday...I had a friend back in Nashville ask me if I knew anyone there for her to connect with for business.

I told her I had another entertainment industry exec and would see if he was open to an introduction.

She asked if there was anything she could do for me...ahem. I, in my new found living the "intentionally" crazy wish-like life, told her she could help in my quest.

Ummm..so she writes me back this morning and says she has a rather bizarre offer. It appears a friend of hers "reps" a millionaire matchmaker out here in L.A. who happens to have a radio show. They are always looking for fresh meat, errr, I mean, "open to receiving" an introduction to a wonderful man. She said it cost nothing and couldn't hurt. I agreed.

You should know, this is sooooooo against what I normally would do, but I'm living large and am committed to having the commitment. I am good with it though, just another door opening up to more possibilities.

Meanwhile, the other guy from eHarmony who I have been conversing with is the first experiment for me. I decided I was not going to pull my usual, "wait and see" or "go with the flow" in terms of letting the guy steer the ship of information. I don't mind the guy steering the ship in terms of "next step", but I tend to shortchange myself in not asking questions.

So, I composed an email this morning and asked a few probing questions. Not questions in terms of "he and I", but in terms of certain things which may challenge him in the context of a relationship. Here is an excerpt:

So, I was thinking I would send a few questions as we get to know each other. And I am totally making this up as I go; I have never been one in the past to ask much. I have always tended to just go with the flow as far as getting to know someone over time.

I joined eHarmony, because I am in a place of openness to someone who can be a partner for the long run. I, myself, have had to do a ton of soul searching in "being real" with myself and what my responsibility is in not having had a successful committed relationship (cuz if I obviously had, I wouldn't be here,LOL). I am interested in not being "perfect" LOL! And having real communication. I am an optimistic person by nature, but have been through many trials/tribulations....which in going through these things has left me with a greater appreciation of the world, people and life in general.

By the way, I will gladly answer anything you want to throw my way.

• So, what for you is the way you usually go about resolving problems?

• What would you say the areas are in a relationship that are difficult for you emotionally when it comes to communication with your partner?

• What do you want from a relationship?

• Who is your favorite cartoon character?

The last question is very important to me, it determines if we are definitely compatible, HA!

I felt so funky after I sent it that I knew I did the right thing. Why? Because I opened myself up to rejection, I opened myself up to not playing it safe and when I center myself, I know that no matter what his response is...I am being true to myself. It will save me the heartache down the line, especially if he responds with not looking for a long term relationship with anyone sort of answer. Then it is time for "next"!

Acorns droppin' on your head

Months ago, I would run at 4:30 ish in the morning. I had to be to work in Hollywood by 8 a.m. and I needed to get my 8 mile run in each day. If I missed it, I felt anxious all day long. When I run, I meditate. I learned meditation years ago through my metaphysical teacher. I also would do ESP card games with her and listened to her spiritual advice. My teacher is over 70 now and we still talk often.

I spoke to her yesterday in fact, I gave her advice....advice that she had given me. I laughed and told her, "These are your words", now you need to do as you say! She laughed and said, "Now the student is teaching the teacher". She has an incredibly hard existence, she needs to take care of herself and make sure she is happy. She needs to let go of others whose problems she seems to shoulder. Anyways, I am not sure where this post is going. Maybe I should call it ramblings of an intentionally crazy person? Afterall, it is a choice for me.

Back to running and meditating; I would mediate and talk to God/Universe about whatever it was that needed clearing out. One morning, I kept asking "what was it that made me so miserable"? "What was I doing"? And as I said the next statement, and acorn bonked me on the head; I said, "Why do I keep punishing myself?" Talk about an "AHA moment"! Although, it was a few months more before I actually was giving the Universe the time of day in getting back on the path.

I mean, I still prayed or "discussed" sorta like "cawfee tawk" with God. But, like hell, would I getting back on the spiritual path that had kicked my ass so badly (I really had no idea what I was in store for in terms of being dragged back on the awareness path) in the past.

I cannot tell you how battered I felt and when all the shit started caving in on my ill built house of cards this last go-round, I couldn't believe God would do this again. (Yeah, what responsibility?) I had the rug pulled out from under me, but it is only in the past couple of months that I look back to earlier this year and the period of a couple years before, that I think, "How the hell did I think I was happy?" I was scared shitless to lose my job again, I would've eaten cow manure if it meant I could have a steady paycheck. I had gone to the other end of penny pinching, I was fanatical...and probably more miserable than I had ever been in almost every area of my life.

So, am I all better now? No. But I am way more cognizant, happy and at peace. Especially when I started taking responsibility for myself. Instead of living in the victimhood of having things "done to me". I do think, yes, the Universe had a hand in the timing of everything falling apart at once, because I am not sure if it was bit by bit, that I would have been as compelled to notice?

Last Night Redux

Well, the synchronicity continued. Went to my friend "C's" party, eclectic mix of people. Brought my friend "M", who upon entering the premises was asked if she knew how to make eggnog. Ms.M, of course rattled off the recipe and took over the mixing of the multiple batches. She was the delight of many at the party. And when she said she taught bellydancing, there was even more adoration from the gaggles of females.

We sat down in the living room with the peacock themed X-Mas tree, my friend "C's" roommate is a set designer for a well known TV series. She had the most beautiful tree with peacockian themes running throughout and at the bottom instead of a blanket, peacock feathers adorned it in a circle.

The synchronicity portion was sitting in the living room we met "F", who works with "C's" roommate as a stand in for an actor in this series. She was from Paris, of course "M" lived there for a year and went to school, she speaks French fluently. All of a sudden, "F" points at "M" and says she recognizes her. Turns out she had been to "M's" website several times and wanted to take bellydance classes. Then "M" says it is confusing, because I do not introduce her by her "stagename", so I looked at her and said, "Alrighty, from now on your name is ML (first two letters of her given name and stage name)...cuz we don't want to cause any confusion now do we?" I found it pretty funny, everyone was asking her for lessons and wanted to see her perform.

Anyways, I started talking to "F" and asking my usual probing questions, I am not a lover of small talk. I prefer to talk about real topics. And she was saying how she always had a feeling of closeness to Joan of Arc and that many things in her life had crossed paths, so to speak, with Joan of Arc. She mentioned having a major "purpose" in her life. I asked what and surprisingly, she said making her movies about finding one's soul. Finding your spirit, teaching through nonviolence. Breaking old patterns and behaviors which keep you imprisoned in the past. Who knew I'd meet someone who walked a similar path?

In fact both "M" and I commented on her openness to such a thing, being from Paris, the reputation is to tend to eschew spiritual quests like this as airy fairy b.s. She said she was a rebel and always tells people she does not represent the rest of her homeland.

We talked for a while with "P" my other new found pal of the evening listening raptly as we covered spirituality, life, goals for both of us, her relationship, and astrology. I know quite a bit about it, but my belief in it goes only so far as birth charts---although if I meet Mr. Husband before the end of the year--I will have to give a little credence to the current planet situation. I tend to think when someone says Mars or some other planet is in retrograde, that it doesn't matter--the planets are always doing something to fuck up your day, if you allow it!

As I was getting ready, to get ready to leave, "F" brings up the "garden analogy"...almost verbatim she says the same thing the guy from eHarmony told me earlier in the day--freaky shit, huh? I started laughing and had to fill "F" in on my whole synchronicity day; it also included having met her, a very kind soul.

Meanwhile as I am ACTUALLY, LITERALLY this time, getting ready to leave, my phone registers text messages from my 17 year old "When are you coming home?", don't ask--if I understood her need to know, I'd be a millionaire. One other guy from eHarmony who seems really nice and a text from my friend "H". One of those "call me first thing in the morning, I have got something to tell you". So, I contemplate answering her, afterall it is 12:30 at night...but, I think...she is going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage--better make sure she is okay.

So, here I am driving and talking in the middle of the night to my crazy friend who is thinking of committing adultery and she wanted to make sure the signs she was picking up from the guy, are really "signs". I had thought she was upset about her "ex" or some other thing (she is also on leave from her job at one of the banks which took a shit)...but noooooo, she wanted to discuss this upcoming Jerry Springer episode that she was planning to star in.

The other note I need to make here is that I have drank wine all week-end. I tried and did not want to imbibe, but I have been out now three days straight...so, how do you say "no" to really good vino?

Consciously wishing

Today has been a struggle of keeping clear. I feel this weight (could be hormones, God knows at 44 it's all become fun) and cloudy feelings. I started to doubt the Universe is listening, because I am only human and in that desire to give up and release all things resembling victimhood....I still have moments.

I record this here for posterity. Aware that I make the "statement", so hopefully at some point I can see this as a total experience rather than just an upward swing of my bat as I hit at the Pinata full of my wishes bursting to unfold. I want to remind myself that I was not Pollyanna through the process and that it has taken me YEARS to reach this point in my life. The point where I have worked through enough of my own crap to have the clarity to continue connecting the dots of my behaviors and patterns.

In my shitty moments of being a "doubting Thomas", I feel this overwhelming compulsion, this urge to give birth to all that I have held back from myself. It is winning over the part of myself which wants to fall back into struggle and punishment. I will not allow it!!! I simply will drag myself kicking and screaming to staying in the intention of having my wishes come true.

I state each morning and at other points during the day, my wish for my husband to come get me. I squeeze my eyes tight and hold it in my heart. I feel it resonate and the urge kicks in too. It makes sure there will be no permanent backsliding.

Funny thing happened today. I had a guy call me from eHarmony. I wasn't sure if this would be a protracted and painful conversation, but it turned out to be a surprise. He was intrigued by my wanting my psychology degree. He had almost pursued a graduate degree in psychology, but instead went into hypnotherapy. He did well, but stopped because he found most people just didn't want to get better...he found it frustrating to deal with daily.

I thought, hmmm...I have given hypnotherapy a bit of thought as something I could while attaining my graduate degree too. It'd be great to offer all of these things, but I need money to live on and well, that sort of takes precedent over my being able to attain all of my dreams in the next "less than a year" time period.

Anyways, we talked more...he said he knew I had done marketing, because I kept saying the phrase "So that", in explaining whatever the hell I was explaining. Anyways, he was perceptive and then I said the stuff about coaching, he said I should pursue it, he has clients who are coaches earning mega-bucks. Skipped around a few more subjects, and I said something "optimistic" that reminded him of the character from "Being There" that Peter Sellers portrayed in the movie. (I have never seen the movie in its entirety) I had simplified something and he loved the insight. He then spoke of how Chauncey equated everything with the concept of gardening, the planting of seeds, the watering, the fertilizing, the pruning, etc... as a metaphor and I held my breath as he said this cuz frankly, IT WAS ANOTHER FREAKIN' SIGN!

I have been using the analogy or metaphor of gardening. I have given myself as a job title "Lead Gardener". I told him how I am always explaining the gardening concept to people as to how I live my life. Even the "guy" I dated earlier this year used some of the garden metaphor. Anyways, I told the guy today about my gardening theme, he laughed and said, "You should use it for coaching" and I said, "Wow, I never thought of it, but you are right." It just clicked for me! I finally felt the whole coaching and attitude for it and how I would approach it.

He needed to go attend to his son and as we were saying good bye. We got disconnected. He had been saying he'd call me next week, and my phone took a shit.

I tried calling back, but kept losing service. I thought for a second, "Whoa Nelly!", don't worry, you are unable to get service, he'll figure out you didn't hang up on him and if he thinks you did then you don't want to know him anyways...if he is interested he will call back. So, when my service came back on I called back my girlfriend, whom I had been playing phone tag with today.

He didn't call back right away...but a couple of hours later and I missed the call. It was cool, he said his battery died and that he loved talking to me and would call me next week. I was proud of myself for not stressing, letting go and it all worked out.

I am wishing for more synchronistic moments, because you see...in my cloudy moments this afternoon, I was interrupted by this man's phone call. And right before he called, I had been saying, "C'mon Universe, give me some signs...just give me a little synchronicity."

Guess I got my wish.

As I write my blog today

I am sitting here writing, trying to catch on my lack o’ logging and blogging this week. Time to get with the program.

I saw Katherine Woodward Thomas this week and just received an email from Noelle Oxenhandler. I HIGHLY recommend both books they wrote, IF you are really, really in a place to open yourself up to the life you “wish” for and will put “active intention toward manifesting it into groovy-ass, pie in the sky sort of goals". Why not? What is stopping you? Ohhhhh...you are stopping you.

Well I understand that one. Been there, done that and sometimes still do that...BUT much less than before!

On a sort of side note, before I forget: It does not matter how you view “intention, law of attraction, positive affirmations, visualizing, creating your dreams in reality, etc…” as to if it is from a spiritual, psychological, scientific, pragmatic or emotional viewpoint….I believe life is what we create. Yes, unexpected shit happens, but what you do with it is what creates your experience.

A friend posted this link yesterday on Quantum Physics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9bVd3BspIQ

It is all related.

Here is Noelle’s link: http://www.noelleoxenhandler.com

Here is Katherine’s link: http://www.callingintheone.com

Here is the experiment from psychologist Richard Wiseman on Lucky People (same shit as law of attraction): http://www.richardwiseman.com/resources/The_Luck_Factor.pdf

Yup! It is all the same damn thing, no matter how you slice and dice it. If you are anything from an atheist to a Christian and anything in between…I would think any of these ways of viewing “how good things come to you and life happens in a synchronistic flow” could be found to be the same exact thing.

Super Amplified Pursuit of Air

So, this book included another burning ceremony. The list was "I release" and "I embrace". Being the detailed person I am in not wanting the Universe to mistakenly think I was okay with holding onto any old, detrimental patterns in the pursuit of my intention, I think I burned extra doses of "releasing". I wrote the same thing, but just changed a few words around to make sure my ass is covered.

We'll see. I am feeling a VERY intense feeling the past 48 hours. Almost overwhelming in how I am sooooooooo dedicated to my life taking a turn for the better, it is like wanting to rip the seams of my old existence out of my hemline, actually forget that! I just wanna rip the whole dress off and go find a better looking, better fitting one.

I find I have little patience for manipulation or for the normal dating games. An example, there is this one guy on eHarmony, who checked out my profile 30 seconds after I joined. He did not contact me. I contacted him in my flurry of "icebreakers". He responded with "let's chat". I responded later that day with "the next step". I also saw he checked my profile again after my sending him the next step. Have I heard from him? No. I state this as an example, for two reasons. The first: I was not wanting to pre-judge him, he is very attractive and I normally would never have contacted him. I already think men that are good looking tend to be jerks, airheads or looking for Ms.Perfect. My openness to a new kind of package does not just include men who may not be as attractive as I like, but men who are more attractive then I like. So, his lack of response confirms that belief. I don't want it to, but frankly if he saw my profile and is not responding then that leads me to Number 2: I am so very, very not interested in anyone contacting me who does not want to or thinks playing the "wait, don't be overanxious, I am a cool dude game" is intriguing. I just want down to earth and low maintenance. This is already a high maintenance sort of thing.

So, I should just close it and be done. That would be "new: for me too. You see, I am trying to be as authentic with myself in showing I stand behind my intention of having Mr.Wunderbar in my life. Does that include "X-ing" out the guy who seems to be rolling up my welcome mat?

I am looking for a glimmer of synchronicity today, just a drop to show me it is all good and headed toward the goal. Then I will continue to break my old behaviors, set up by the insecurity of rejection and the belief I was to be alone. Difficult to believe I carried this crap since I was a small kid.

Maintaining Tension, oy vey!

The suggestion to maintain the tension coming from the "guy", in an attempt to somehow create a space for someone is a tall order. A part of me wants to keep slamming the door on those "vibes" and another part keeps picturing explosives going off at the foot of a brick wall.

I have always been a black and white kind of chick. I tend to not live well with seeds in the air. They must be planted or dead. LOL! I know it is the state of non-attachment we are seeking to hold open. I am not attached to an outcome, but I am attached to my brain having some organized function when it comes to the topic of someone I used to date.

It scrambles it all up, makes me uncomfortable and I don't mind discomfort, but usually I want to bank on a resolution that comes to the discomfort. The only resolution I keep re-focusing on is "A" "MAN" coming to get me. Not "him" or any other connotation of knowing who the hell is coming for me, just any man who fits into the internal criteria I have listed on the "wish list".

I have really expanded the way I am dealing with eHarmony this time. I actually sent out "icebreakers", that is just so unlike me! I actually am conversing with people who I would have discounted for "this or that" in the past without really knowing who they are beyond "hello".

I do confess, I don't want to meet the ones who are not smiling in their pictures. It makes me think they are not happy. I am not about inviting unhappiness in on purpose and frankly, if you are having a bad day when you take that picture with your camera-phone, then maybe you should have waited til an internal sun was shining down upon you.

Or you are high on drugs, tipsy or someone was tickling your feet...at least to give the impression that you are a happy camper.

So, I have opened up all pieces and parts...the other thing I started doing and I cannot fucking believe I had the balls to do it, I am telling almost complete strangers of my intention. I had a new hairdresser yesterday, she owns a nearby salon. Her boyfriend of 6 years (minus 1 year they spent apart) came in and was so sweet. She said he comes in all the time and she almost didn't choose him cuz he was short. He wanted her , so he pursued. He was also her ex-boyfriend's best friend. She said, "okay" and they went out on a first shitty date. He then called her 6 months later to go shopping, she didn't want to, but went as his friend. At the end of the night...they were dating continuously for 6 years, minus that one year in which they did not.

I had earlier in the morning sent out an email to a couple of people who I had to completely "eat" the fear of looking idiotic and telling them of my intention to be married BEFORE my next birthday. And gee, golly willikers, if they happen to know a guy or two, or three...please send him my way. Ya know, if you don't mind.

And so as I was talking to my new cool hairdresser..I got a message back from one of them. I don't remember the exact content, but it was highly amusing and of a smart ass nature. So, I then had to share "why" I was laughing...and why she may think I am a "crackhead", but I didn't care and this sort of bold, nerves of steel thing took over. And continues to in almost every conversation I have with anyone who may not know of may intention.

And of course, that I am supposed to meet him before the end of this year. I figure while the Universe is at it, why not make it happen NOW.

And of course, I will admit, I have been asking for this guy to show up for a long time. I just did not know how UNREADY I had been before.

So, if anything transpires from any of these people, eHarmony or a stroke of miracleness, I will record those happenings here in the blogosphere.

Met the Author

So, met the author of the book I have been reading and following to continue opening myself up to the greatness that is about to be my husband showing up and seeking me out now. It was very interesting meeting her; I told her how I knew the church she belonged to even before "reading" what church that was and how I keep seeing the guy who leads the church all over the place. He is scheduled to be on Oprah coming up in the next couple weeks.

I shared a lot with her in our 90 minutes together.

Gave her a synopsis of my childhood, men and my intentions. She spotted a pattern of picking men who were not emotionally supportive of me, like my Dad, while I was growing up.

I told her also about the enormous psychic pull I feel toward or from the "guy" I have mentioned here on my blog. She said she felt I needed to allow it, that the "tension" to her was a good thing that this unresolved connection creates in me. She said I had a habit of slamming things shut, if I think it is "bad", I tend to shove it away. I need to live in the unknowing openness to things. That limbo-land that is not black and white.

She felt the "guy" and I are incomplete. She is right, BUT to me that does not mean I hold a candle just for him. I have a flame open to all, the door is wide open to anyone to come through now. I believe the connection will fade in time. I let go, it feels stronger...and I feel compelled to keep letting go too.

She said when I run into him to treat him like he is part of the intention I have set in magnetizing my "husband" into my life. That would be a totally different way of responding when I run into him.

I am also to believe the Universe will bring me a strong enough man. She felt there was a chance it was him(Believe me I did not ask her what her thoughts were about him--she volunteered all of this info), no matter who it is the "knocking down of walls" shall continue.

I will have a date for New Years and I will meet my husband at any minute, I just know it!

Greatness and Anxiety

If you admire greatness in another human being, it is your own greatness you are seeing.-Debbie Ford

I believe that statement, because of my belief in mirrors we provide for one another each day. Today has been a bit if a challenge. I do not understand when my brain is not sharing the body sensations. I keep stopping to look and see if I can put my finger on the "feelings" which are casting a shadow upon my activity today.

I cannot nail what it is, but I know it is related to the "guy". It is shit like this which makes me CRAZY! There is no logic. There is no sentimental reminiscing going on. There is no future fantasy. There is no current moment of wanting him to show up on my doorstep. NONE OF THESE THOUGHTS HAVE CROSSED MY MIND TODAY! NONE!

It is this pervasive, insidious slithering of underlying connection...to... a feeling... that is wanting to be noticed. What is the feeling? To describe it, would be like a pulling on my soul...a tug at my heart...a kiss in my ear...a feeling trying to beat its way into my home. And why? I have no idea. It is days like this where I am certifiable. Cuz, I cannot allow it or not allow it...neither one resolves the "feeling". It is like being stuck in quicksand, where can you go and what can you do? All it comes back to is...this isn't done! And I want to throw large pieces of furniture out of my window.

I am done. I have been done. Maybe my karma is not? Maybe he is not? Maybe I just need psychiatric help?

I am not pining or wanting. I am not thinking he is the man for me on a logical plane.

All I know, is today I am anxious. Today I am waiting to see the miracles I have cleared my house and emotional baggage for to finally pick up their pace and come racing in to greet me.

I have no baggage for this man or about what we had, I forgave it...I let go of it...I don't hold him to anything nor do I expect anything.

In fact, against what I said before, I figure I'd show the Universe I am opening up to other opportunities and signed onto e Harmony. My chiropractor sees people from that company as patients. He told me stories. I thought, "What the heck, got nothing but $60.00 to lose (like I can afford it)". I filled out the personality quiz, which is such a bunch of horseshit, but "hey" I am being VERY open. I am going with the top of my list "want" in a man...KINDNESS. I am being real about myself and what I want, so we'll see if I get to be one of their 450 success stories one month.

Meanwhile, I have lit 8 or so candles, a basic inferno in my room, which I promised to stay out of, but for the purposes of intention, I need the physical proximity at least for a moment, to them.I am burning down any resistance, blowing open all doors to opportunity and standing by as I courageously allow myself and push myself into an uncomfortable space to grow...so I can fucking meet the bitchin' dude, already!

I am fucking ready and waiting babe! Where the hell are you? :-)

In The Stages

So, exercise for day 18 brought up interesting epiphanies.

The thing is, I have been over some of this territory in the past. Today, was a BIG one. I have been ALONE, since I was a small child. I will spare all the past drama and "why", but it is funny...I saw everything clearly in how I have been, even in a relationship.

I am always in need of being alone, when I am with people, I find I have to ground myself alone. There is a part of me always separating to be alone. Even with my kids, I was with them most of the morning and afternoon. The first place I headed upon entering the house...my bedroom. I have been like this forever. My ex-husband used to complain about the need to separate. It isn't like most people who want to have some space, this is a desire to detach completely from others...even if it is for a short while.

I realized that this is the "unconscious, that I have made my fate". So...I am now sitting in my dining room, no more laptop in my bedroom. I will spend all day until I feel like wrapping it up for the night out among the people I love or out of the house with friends/work. I saw all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place with this revelation emotionally.

I love those clicking moments.

What lies behind us and what lies between us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Weeds

As I walk this morning, the thought of me as a kid came up.

I watched these t.v. shows last night, they were X-mas shows from my childhood. As I watched, I would feel a strong swell of emotion. Crazy huh? It was not easy to grasp "why".

Thus far, I can sorta pinpoint it to my dreams as a little kid. I wanted to believe fairy tales existed, because I was so miserable as a kid. My parents always said it was "me", "I was born that way; I could never let go and have fun; I was cold and selfish, etc..."

When I was young, I couldn't trust anyone or anything to be there for me. I didn't trust my parents. They had failed me in being supportive, trying to understand me and ostracizing me to try and change me into what they believed I should be, on top of that they left me alone more often than a kid should be left. I would then isolate, cut off....so I was impenetrable from their words.

I was someone I didn't want to be as a kid, I was told who I was...was wrong. That the person I was had very negative characteristics according to others....so why would I want to be myself?

I know many people experience these sort of feelings, which then turn into beliefs as kids. When you're a kid--you don't have the filter or wherewithal to think adults or caregivers were wrong in their opinions. They are human and as fucked up as any other human being.

As I get ready to go see them for lunch I am as usual on the fence emotionally, neither to this day will admit they were wrong or had any hand in who I came to identify myself to be, they believe I created this all by myself--they still fight to hold on to being "right".

It is not an issue for me so much, I gave up on wanting a certain kind of relationship from them a long time ago. My Mother wants a fantasy relationship. She has expectations that she should be catered to and that because she is perfect, it is just something that is wrong with her kids, not her. She is a victim and a martyr to this day, her choice. I just choose not to engage anymore. I am cool with the distance now.

Getting back to my walk, I thought of my reaction to last night's TV marathon. The thought konked me on the head, "I always felt so unbelievably" alone as a kid. No wonder I am two opposites with no middle ground in some instances. I either hide from the world or want a house full of people. Even if I want the house full of people, I find a need to escape too.

Wow, what idiotic beliefs I had! I was such a lonely kid, who felt unworthy and that I had no value...on top of the fact I thought I was so ugly.

I'm unloading this shit still all these years later. I just hope I have almost reached peace with it...I hope it fails to be my future.

I guess my fear of rejection is tied into it too-so I'd pick men who wouldn't reject me.

Although. This last one did.....I didn't expect it based on what he said all along (we were meant to be together)....and even afterwards. I carried that hope I would finallly be redeemed, that he was going to keep his promises. Hmmm...He would find me worthy? Is that it?

I know how deeply embedded this crap is, because I have been throwing out old beliefs for years. On a logical, intelligent level, I know better. On an emotional level, I'm trying to drop these bullshit beliefs.

I also have to say, please Universe, don't make my life wait until I think I'm perfect for it to begin anew! I don't want to wait any longer for love to come in the door. And I will never be perfect, just more authentic!

Weird Little Things

So, I went out for wine last night. YUM!

I met my landlord earlier in the day. Don’t really have the rent $$. He and I talked, I am already setting up the mediation firm for him….anyways, long story short. He is thinking of having me just do stuff around his office to help him for a certain amount of hours, so that it equates out to my rent. I also told him when I was done that I am ready to get married. Told him to send people my way that were “good and nice”. I am seriously thinking of sending everyone I know a description of what I am looking for…basically the male version of me.

I also told my chiropractor that I am looking to have a marriage happen here…of course not just to anyone, otherwise I could’ve been married already.

What was the point of this post?

I forgot.

Well, on another note. I decided to watch Christmas shows tonight on tv. My kids think the shows I grew up watching are just stupid and boring, um yeah…they like reality shows, cuz those are just soooooooo much better!

So, I am thinking I wonder if any of them are on or if I have to rent them, although I saw 3 for $10 at Big Lots the other day….

Long story short. 30 seconds later, I receive a text message from my friend who owns an animation company. He tells me his show is on tonight and to watch it! It is The Meiser Brothers X-Mas (or something like that) and it is on ABC family….so I check out the guide, lo and behold they have a whole “slew” of all those shows I want to see, so I have my daughter Tivo it (cuz I still haven’t figured that the fuck out) and I am about to watch all those shows.

The Universe works in mysteriously funny ways, eh?

Going to see the author

I made an appointment to meet with the woman who wrote the book I am currently reading and performing exercises in conjunction with to be as OPEN as can be to the man I am about to meet and eventually marry. I walked around yesterday, knowing I had to dump something that has been hanging…knowing it was this “load”, but not able to understand what exactly the connection was internally.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday. I have so much in common with his wife. He informed me that I will be running a marathon with him, because my ass will be fixed soon (hmmm–glad he is optimistic). Anyway, I am searching most of the day for the “key” to unlock the shiteous feeling I am experiencing. As I walk out of the doc’s office, I experience a click–the emotional click! YAY! Intellectual clicks don’t solve the problem, emotional ones…you know you are on the road.

I realized the guy was a punishment. The whole thing was about me being punished. I figured it out awhile ago intellectually, but I couldn’t budge it on an emotional level. The whole relationship and psychic connection has been about me needing to be punished, left over from childhood. I was always wrong, always in trouble….not born right according to the parents. Anyways, I am not going thru this shit to be a VICTIM, I am stating it for the purpose of a very short explanation.

Anyways, I felt really calm since then, there is still something else there in relation to the guy. I get some of it now, which gives me hope that he will be entirely dropped from my psyche sooner rather than later.

So, when I go see the author on Wednesday…I will either have already met the guy or she can give me the last shove I need (she is also a coach and a psychotherapist)…and then the door will be wide open.

Funny thing is the spiritual community she belongs to keeps coming up everywhere I go lately too. Strange stuff, huh? Even on Facebook. I am connected to someone who is going to watch Oprah, and I look at who the guest is…it is the leader of the spiritual community. Too funny. We’ll see what else takes place.

Who?

I no longer try to change outer things. They are simply a reflection. I change my inner perception and the outer reveals the beauty so long obscured by my own attitude.I concentrate on my inner vision and find my outer view transformed.-Daily Word

It has been a morning to speak of in transformational terms. In my place of following my intuition and not the “should, have to, and stress thoughts”, the challenges start to crop up.

I have chosen my career path. In the meantime, I need to make a living, but will not put school on hold for a job. I have put things on hold too many times and made sacrifices. There no more sacrifices to be made.

I may not have a roof over my head much longer. I have no idea where the rent will come from, but I am not doing thing to punish myself in terms of a job. Any work or job which comes to me from all of my networking, etc… will have to fit my life at this point. The compromises you make, will always need to be made if you choose to allow them. I choose to have what I want in this life, now.

I listened to an author speak over and over today. She felt much the way I have felt about myself and has transformed her existence. She is married and has a child. She is happy and where she needs to be, because she sought out “who she was, who she was being and what she needed to do to become who she is”.

I walked around for awhile feeling that way, not sure how to change that, cuz I felt I had rid myself of also falsehoods when I saw myself. Not so fast, I guess, cuz here I was today.

Love or fear? I am choosing love. But fear is a strong competitor, especially when it comes to basic needs. I cannot sell myself short anymore. I did a meditation a short while ago. I asked to have the man I am going to marry sitting in front of me.

I felt the most comfortable feeling, like it “just was”. I felt warmth, contentment and happiness. I felt all of the things that I have never recognized before in any relationship. I asked the Universe “Who do I need to become to be married before my next birthday?” “What do I need to do?” “Who am I being and what do I need to let go of?”

I have been letting go for so long, it is now placing wonderful, happy items in the vacant area. I am not alone. Although, I was raised to believe I was…my parents always told me I could’ve raised myself, I was their little soldier (it made it okay for them to leave me), I never could feel safe to show emotion, etc…I worked through a lot of this over the years. There was still the one pervasive issue. Somewhere in there it got stuck, that I was meant to be alone. That I somehow didn’t deserve to have anyone with me…that I would grow old by myself, etc…

No way! Not anymore. I know it, I stopped in the meditation, once my thoughts went to the Universe posing the questions I stated above. I felt from my heart this pain move upward through my throat to my head, in fact my head still hurts, in a weird spot too–the top and back of my head. I cried, a deep soulful cry….”I am not alone” “I know I am not alone”. The pain started to subside a bit and release itself out of my mouth. I hugged my younger self and said “You are not alone and you never really were, it was how you perceived the situation”.

This isn’t about laying blame, this is about owning my victim-hood, the one which has kept me separate and single for 13 years. I am done with it! I will release and release until there is nothing left to release.

I am ready to meet the man I will marry! I am ready to watch how my career will unfold with school. I will do the things and BE who I have always envisioned myself to be instead of a speck of that dream.

How to reject correctly

As my spiritual teacher once told me. Never, ever shut the door.

You can clear the door, but you have to keep it open. If you shut it, you close yourself off to people, places and things that you may want in your life. It truly is a kinder, gentler way of being, but a very hard balance to strike.

Most self-help books in dealing with getting over someone, tell you all sorts of “neat tricks”, most put the focus off you and on the other person. It isn’t all about them. It is about you too. One of the things I have tried to do is focus on the positive in getting over someone. What did I like about them? I am more interested in knowing “what I want”, rather than “what I don’t want”. I can take that with me to my next relationship; I can think and believe in a person I have not met yet ,with those qualities that I absolutely adored in the last guy.

It is an odd way of getting over someone, just as painful, but more positive. I feel lighter like there is less baggage, maybe I am wrong and won’t know until the one “appears”. In knowing how we are mirrors for one another, it would seem to me as I create my life and live in the attitude I hope to have for the rest of my days, that I can’t help but attract a person who is sharing my reflection.

I know I have cut the ties with the last guy. I finally succeeded in removing my psychic pull. I doubt I will ever run into him again, unless it is something I had no part in energetically. I feel freer, even though I still get an image of him standing in the doorway, trying to block the entrance from another guy. As I said before, if you can’t make up your mind about what you want, please step aside and let all who know what they want have a try. He has a shrine at home that he prays too; he will find someone else who also holds a shrine from the past close to her heart too.

I’m not rejecting the guy as a person. I’m rejecting how it made me feel, the type of relationship I had with him did not bring out my best qualities. That did not qualify as something worth repeating, ever. I want good between myself and who I am with in the future; I want to be at my best. And if I am serious about bringing in the good, then I must keep releasing the mediocre, the not so good and the 10 steps backwards sort of relationship.

I also don’t fault him, he was a mirror and hopefully that mirror has changed. I feel the usefulness of that mirror served a purpose. I look at myself so differently now, I almost feel like a new person. I hope the mirror is pointing in a different direction toward a new sunny horizon, with yet unseen travels, people and a man who suits me just right.

Sheer Freakin Joy

One has just to be oneself. That's my basic message. The moment you accept yourself as you are, all burdens, all mountainous burdens simply disappear. Then life is a sheer joy, a festival of lights-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Thought of the walk: Now I will attract men who I used to think I wasn't good enough for...men who I am good enough for now.

What changed?

Absolutely nothing, except my perception about my life and me in it.

I also think all people who think they aren't good enough, find others who aren't good enough and make up the two halves of the whole rotten walnut. Seriously, settling for mediocrity in themselves and their life. You'd have to be a nut of some sort to wish your life to be lived out in such a small shell.

It's a vicious circle. A cycle of self-belief that keeps you stuck in hell, replete with noxious fumes when the bathroom door gets left open.

Think about the fact - if someone felt they were good enough, then wouldn't they BELIEVE love was gonna getcha! And if someone thinks they are good enough, wouldn't they treat themselves pretty damn good? And you too?

If you treat people bad, what does that say about you? It says you are pretty much one unhappy piece of shit.

My favorite saying is either you come from love or fear.
Ding, ding, ding!!!!

Guess what? I chose fear for yeeeaaaarrrsss! I was delusional thinking I chose love for years.

Interestingly enough, I see it clearly now-I don't hide from myself-the shades are stuck in the up position thanks to my lids and so now I can see right in the windows to my soul (except for the grimy handprints on the pane of course). It is a nice view. One I feel an extreme giddiness over lately.

Ill never be perfect, but I'm good enough.

What do sad people have in common?

What do sad people have in common? It seems they have all built a shrine to the past and often go there and do a strange wail and worship. What is the beginning of happiness? It is to stop being so religious like that. -Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky

I used to be of this religion and I didn't even realize it for many years. I had internalized it, I didn't necessarily know it as an obstacle. I thought my constant state of melancholy had become a character defect. I didn't realize I let all of it become my story that I told myself.

I have been knocking down beliefs, reorganizing my library of information. I have moved into warp speed.

It has taken years of falling down in my religion, wailing at the wall of sorrow and making beliefs of all the things I couldn't do and thinking any teeny bit of love was worth grabbing onto, whether I really thought it was good for me or not.

In the warp speed that has happened over the past several months, the best way to put it is like being cracked open like an egg. All the book I had read, experiences I had, finally culminated in a clarity to see myself as I truly was.....

And so, my search was on for awhile to try and find sources to help elevate me. I could read a self help or spiritual book in one sitting. I found I had already "been there and done that" as noted.

The last two books I have invested my time in are SO parallel to me in who wrote them and how they wrote their experiences.....and to be in lockstep with two women who "were like me in perspective" is just the coolest thing ever. Their dreams, wishes, aspirations did come true.

I created a collage. On my collage is more words than pictures. It is not done yet by any stretch, but the difference on my collage is that those items will come true, because my intention has been set. I tell everyone I know what I am doing....even if they think I am nuts, it isn't stopping me.

I made a decision. I am following through. I will have my degree done next year and be on to my Masters in Psychology/MFT. I am starting to coach unemployed people for free right now (even though I am basically one of them, save for a single client-who is not paying me anything). I will have all of the other items on my collage too...a happy home, lots of kids, family and friends. The BIGGEST one is of course being married before my 45th birthday next year.

I am going to meet him and I know it, because my attitude has changed dramatically and continues to change daily. Plus I gave up religion....that religion doesn't suit me....

I have gone into my own brand of spirituality, which does not include wailing at a wall of sorrow.