Acorns droppin' on your head

Months ago, I would run at 4:30 ish in the morning. I had to be to work in Hollywood by 8 a.m. and I needed to get my 8 mile run in each day. If I missed it, I felt anxious all day long. When I run, I meditate. I learned meditation years ago through my metaphysical teacher. I also would do ESP card games with her and listened to her spiritual advice. My teacher is over 70 now and we still talk often.

I spoke to her yesterday in fact, I gave her advice....advice that she had given me. I laughed and told her, "These are your words", now you need to do as you say! She laughed and said, "Now the student is teaching the teacher". She has an incredibly hard existence, she needs to take care of herself and make sure she is happy. She needs to let go of others whose problems she seems to shoulder. Anyways, I am not sure where this post is going. Maybe I should call it ramblings of an intentionally crazy person? Afterall, it is a choice for me.

Back to running and meditating; I would mediate and talk to God/Universe about whatever it was that needed clearing out. One morning, I kept asking "what was it that made me so miserable"? "What was I doing"? And as I said the next statement, and acorn bonked me on the head; I said, "Why do I keep punishing myself?" Talk about an "AHA moment"! Although, it was a few months more before I actually was giving the Universe the time of day in getting back on the path.

I mean, I still prayed or "discussed" sorta like "cawfee tawk" with God. But, like hell, would I getting back on the spiritual path that had kicked my ass so badly (I really had no idea what I was in store for in terms of being dragged back on the awareness path) in the past.

I cannot tell you how battered I felt and when all the shit started caving in on my ill built house of cards this last go-round, I couldn't believe God would do this again. (Yeah, what responsibility?) I had the rug pulled out from under me, but it is only in the past couple of months that I look back to earlier this year and the period of a couple years before, that I think, "How the hell did I think I was happy?" I was scared shitless to lose my job again, I would've eaten cow manure if it meant I could have a steady paycheck. I had gone to the other end of penny pinching, I was fanatical...and probably more miserable than I had ever been in almost every area of my life.

So, am I all better now? No. But I am way more cognizant, happy and at peace. Especially when I started taking responsibility for myself. Instead of living in the victimhood of having things "done to me". I do think, yes, the Universe had a hand in the timing of everything falling apart at once, because I am not sure if it was bit by bit, that I would have been as compelled to notice?