I had a reason for writing this addition to my numerous additions today. What was it? I have another friend "K" who is now taking my lead on finding a good guy. We'll see if she sticks to it; she tends to still be victimizing herself, so I am not sure; cuz when she called this morning, she said "I am a giver of being open", and I said, um....repeat after me, "I am open to giving and receiving love". We went thru this yesterday, she even wrote it down, but something tells me it wasn't a priority for her to state it and believe it.
Argh! Why did I open up another post? I really can't remember. I need to be a receptive flower, I dropped my "man" energy? No, that wasn't it, although it is true.
Alright--stream of conscious until the point of this blog hits me upside the grey matter!
I have always had the "desire" to have a man who really wants me. Not that I have not been wanted, but when a mman has made the decision in his mind that you are it without drama, manipulation or games. An emotionally available man coming for me. That's it!!!!! "The man coming to get me!" Remember a billion posts ago, I struggled with that term.
Well it hit me yesterday--I want him to come get me. It is what resonates with my gut. It is what feels natural. And would be something I have never experienced.
A wonderful man wanting to put a ring on my finger (And not because I am kicking him out of my house and it is his last attempt at staying in a dysfunctional relationship with me). The man who loves me like none other and doesn't want to let me go. The man coming to get me.
I realize my Dad never made me a priority, I always felt unimportant. And it dawned on me, because I would always accept men who were workaholics or had other priorities. I felt okay knowing I could have a little bit, but not the whole thing or anything close to being at the top of the list.
I always had the survivor or I'll figure it out myself mentality. Wow, I really had created such an identity for myself, so I would never feel pain nor would I ever be a burden and of course if I was all of that--then who could resist me? Right?
The man who wants to take care of me and realizing all of these things which kept me alone and single--frightening--frightening, when you can see it as "glaringly" obvious. And weird when you keep dropping these beliefs by the side of the road. Man have I ever made my life far more difficult then it ever had to be, ever! And I am not talking with just the "man" thing, I am talking in all relationships and my career too.
The night before last "the past guy" came for me in my dream. How funny, I knew I dreamt of him cuz I woke up feeling like he and I had been physically in each other's presence. In the dream, the conveyance was his exes had been put in a place were he is freer.
I need to make sure I'm freer in myself-I can only be true to me. If I ever was with him again, it would be funny, because I would be so different, not worried about pleasing him or trying to be perfect in some weird "dating book" way....I would be myself. YES! MYSELF! DAMMIT!!!!!
As I walked in my neighborhood yesterday, I had moments of doubts. I swatted them away easier than ever. I was able to say, "no" to fear and doubt. I actually had the weirdest vibe, that I was going to round the corner to my house and see the "man's vehicle" parked in front of my house. It didn't happen, but I still wasn't discounting it. I must stay open to all, even if he never shows up. Remember this is the man who said we were a match forever and then turned around and said he could not do a relationship (uh yeah, he wasn't rejecting me, just a relationship), but in the same breath that who knows we could be together some day in the future, cuz we were meant to be....enough fucking with my head on that one, huh?
I realize somewhere in me it plays to that small child who created a numb wall around her, so as not to feel pain. I was waiting for my Dad to make me a priority, accept me as I was and support me--cuz honey, I was hung out to dry as a kid. I know this, I see it, and I am doing my best to heal it and let it go.
My husband will do what has never been done not just in pursuit of me--he'll know I am the one for him, and I will be fully aware seeing him as the one who suits me.
My husband will accept me for who I am and who I am not. He will love me and be there as my fame grows, as my abilities to reach more people grows. I will meet the president someday.
I said this post was a stream of consciousness, *wink*
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