Closer to Nirvana

As I woke this morning and walked...

The guy is slip-sliding away, finally in the right way too. His being a symbol for my Father is losing its potency.

Talking with this other man from eHarmony-whether he is someone I end up dating or not, has shown me the way I am now headed with being able to find comfort from myself. eHarmony guy had a loving childhood, he is kind, compassionate, mature....and not that I have a clue as to where it goes, I am really good. He may still turn out to be an axe murderer. At least our conversations are consistent.

I can try to explain this further, it is hard to put all of this in words. I usually am critical of a guy in the first few interactions of getting to know him-very narrow parameters. I am quick to discount someone, when I don't know if there is chemistry.

Every time I notice the thought for a split second of "Oh, he's too nice" or "he's already into me and doesn't even know me"--I should mention it isn't that he's doing anything crazy or professing love on the first date. SO, NOW... I stop and ask myself, "Is this a problem?" And I now think for a moment and respond to myself with, "Nope, not at all"...its a very peaceful rather than anxious feeling. The anxiousness and connection to things which throw me off balance is quickly dissipating. I always wanted a steady relationship, FOR YEARS! One that had no jealousy or crazy anxiety, wondering where he was or he was wondering where I was or he gave me the silent treatment, hanging up on me or some other intolerable bullshit. I always craved an adult relationship, but had no clue how to have one...I had no idea my patterns and beliefs were so deeply ingrained.

The beauty of this morning is I woke up, still experiencing the feeling from last night of "the last guy" as a reminder of my Dad. The whole thing with its challenge of getting and maintaining his love/commitment to his kindness, but inability to express himself in a timely manner--is just not really much of an issue anymore. As in, I am healing a childhood wound that has been there for 40 something years, in so many relationships with men. The push/pull that I normally engage with in some capacity is nonexistent -I do not feel it enough to want control. I always like to have a certain numbness even in my attraction to someone, so I cannot get emotionally attached and be in control.

My needing to be, needy--when I feel vulnerable in exposing more of myself--I dig deeper. It has faded to the point that I almost don't care at all about that "last guy". The pull is barely registering, the fear of running into him is being replaced with images of kindness, but no feeling of unrequited emotions. Hopefully, it means once and for all the childhood beliefs are being replaced with my current beliefs.

All that I have been going thru on my journey to heal and meet a great guy make sense. The guy I want to marry is someone so different than this last man and the feelings elicited by dating him. When I place myself in a state of mind of calmness, imagining a relationship, I like the feeling of intimacy without drama. I like the calmness of someone who is in my corner. I am not as concerned with the package, but how we would be as a team.

I am 99% over the past....teeny twinges that I see disappearing as I look at it.....

It will be nice to be writing about my present as a beautiful relationship and never revisit the past again in terms of a warm and satisfying relationship.