Consciously wishing

Today has been a struggle of keeping clear. I feel this weight (could be hormones, God knows at 44 it's all become fun) and cloudy feelings. I started to doubt the Universe is listening, because I am only human and in that desire to give up and release all things resembling victimhood....I still have moments.

I record this here for posterity. Aware that I make the "statement", so hopefully at some point I can see this as a total experience rather than just an upward swing of my bat as I hit at the Pinata full of my wishes bursting to unfold. I want to remind myself that I was not Pollyanna through the process and that it has taken me YEARS to reach this point in my life. The point where I have worked through enough of my own crap to have the clarity to continue connecting the dots of my behaviors and patterns.

In my shitty moments of being a "doubting Thomas", I feel this overwhelming compulsion, this urge to give birth to all that I have held back from myself. It is winning over the part of myself which wants to fall back into struggle and punishment. I will not allow it!!! I simply will drag myself kicking and screaming to staying in the intention of having my wishes come true.

I state each morning and at other points during the day, my wish for my husband to come get me. I squeeze my eyes tight and hold it in my heart. I feel it resonate and the urge kicks in too. It makes sure there will be no permanent backsliding.

Funny thing happened today. I had a guy call me from eHarmony. I wasn't sure if this would be a protracted and painful conversation, but it turned out to be a surprise. He was intrigued by my wanting my psychology degree. He had almost pursued a graduate degree in psychology, but instead went into hypnotherapy. He did well, but stopped because he found most people just didn't want to get better...he found it frustrating to deal with daily.

I thought, hmmm...I have given hypnotherapy a bit of thought as something I could while attaining my graduate degree too. It'd be great to offer all of these things, but I need money to live on and well, that sort of takes precedent over my being able to attain all of my dreams in the next "less than a year" time period.

Anyways, we talked more...he said he knew I had done marketing, because I kept saying the phrase "So that", in explaining whatever the hell I was explaining. Anyways, he was perceptive and then I said the stuff about coaching, he said I should pursue it, he has clients who are coaches earning mega-bucks. Skipped around a few more subjects, and I said something "optimistic" that reminded him of the character from "Being There" that Peter Sellers portrayed in the movie. (I have never seen the movie in its entirety) I had simplified something and he loved the insight. He then spoke of how Chauncey equated everything with the concept of gardening, the planting of seeds, the watering, the fertilizing, the pruning, etc... as a metaphor and I held my breath as he said this cuz frankly, IT WAS ANOTHER FREAKIN' SIGN!

I have been using the analogy or metaphor of gardening. I have given myself as a job title "Lead Gardener". I told him how I am always explaining the gardening concept to people as to how I live my life. Even the "guy" I dated earlier this year used some of the garden metaphor. Anyways, I told the guy today about my gardening theme, he laughed and said, "You should use it for coaching" and I said, "Wow, I never thought of it, but you are right." It just clicked for me! I finally felt the whole coaching and attitude for it and how I would approach it.

He needed to go attend to his son and as we were saying good bye. We got disconnected. He had been saying he'd call me next week, and my phone took a shit.

I tried calling back, but kept losing service. I thought for a second, "Whoa Nelly!", don't worry, you are unable to get service, he'll figure out you didn't hang up on him and if he thinks you did then you don't want to know him anyways...if he is interested he will call back. So, when my service came back on I called back my girlfriend, whom I had been playing phone tag with today.

He didn't call back right away...but a couple of hours later and I missed the call. It was cool, he said his battery died and that he loved talking to me and would call me next week. I was proud of myself for not stressing, letting go and it all worked out.

I am wishing for more synchronistic moments, because you see...in my cloudy moments this afternoon, I was interrupted by this man's phone call. And right before he called, I had been saying, "C'mon Universe, give me some signs...just give me a little synchronicity."

Guess I got my wish.