The day of a million hours

Christmas Day.

It is almost like any other day of the year for me as I get older. It has essentially no meaning, maybe because I have "beaten" the meaning out of it over the years? It started ebbing away as a kid. My Mom always had high expectations for all holidays. It put tremendous pressure on the rest of the world to come through for her.

We all were supposed to have ESP in knowing what to get her and what to do. Of course, she thought she had ESP in knowing what we wanted--but she chose no better, unless given specific instructions.

The material side of X-Mas ceased to hold a thrill for me many years ago. When my kids were small, I seemed to have gotten back on the holiday wagon, "How fun to have them to celebrate with" and it was to a certain degree. I was in my "perfect" days of trying to pull it off single-handedly, remember I was married to someone like my Dad in that sense (although he was usually like my Mom)...he didn't help at all.

So, fast forward to now. My kids just went to their Dad's for breakfast and presents. We didn't open our gifts yet (considering I am flat broke I spent the last few pennies I had on presents and groceries), we will when they come back and then head out to meet my parents at TGIF, woohoo!

Then I am supposed to go to my friends' parents home. I have no problem with casual get-togethers during the holidays. I have no problem with family get-togethers as long as it is either my family or my guy's family. Other than that--it isn't fun or interesting to be at someone else's family celebration for the most part, I would prefer to curl up with a movie and some wine in my pajamas. I have no desire to get dressed up and go grit my teeth through being somewhere I do not want to be at all. Yes, I can make the best of it, I always do. I guess the bigger issue is that my friend went and asked her in-laws with the expectation that I would show up. I never committed. Unfortunately, she is imposing a guilt trip, because she us afraid to tell her Mother-in-law that I and another friend are not coming. What does that say about her honesty and ability to communicate with others, twisting her friend's arms to join in their less festive celebration?

Whatever! Anyways...the exercises for today....allow myself to feel and then go into the emotion, just stay with it and give it a name. Don't analyze, just be present. I have done this one before, but unfortunately today...it uncovered my melancholy, sadness and fear. Also intermingled with excitement, peace and happiness.

I was thinking about my husband showing up in my life. I started to get nervous, because "what if the Universe wants to test me more?", by bringing another guy who is not emotionally supportive...and of course I won't know that until I am in knee-deep in it...I cannot handle another dude who I have chemistry with and then find I have to extricate myself again. That fear of "what if I feel that comfortable feeling again", should I run? I started to freak this morning, wondering what I have to do to have a really great partner come in my life?

I have been very cognizant about not bringing in a warm body or a replacement for the last guy. I wanted to make sure I was fully aware and as whole as I can be, before someone new came in the door. I will never be 100% okay, no one is, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in that instead of making it worse....makes it okay?

The one guy I have been talking to through eHarmony is really cool, he said even if we don't hit it off, we could probably work together...wouldn't that be funny?

And then it dawned on me this morning, he is in a family of 3 kids!!! OH NO!!!! Every single man I have spent time with except one, came from a family of three kids. Usually they are the baby in the family too. My ex-husband was the middle child. I am the oldest of two. What is up with that? It made me want to start running from this guy. I have no strength to get into a shitty situation again...and I don't know if this would be or not, but at this point in my life...I look at these things and think, "WTF?"

I will walk away from something which is not suitable, non-supportive men...I do not care what chemistry there is, I am out! So, we'll see with this guy, maybe he is the oldest child too? Although, he has two sisters...leads me to believe he is the youngest.

All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband to be to make an appearance in my life.