Exercise a day ahead

So, I am doing my exercises in the book about bringing my hubby in for a landing, without going out to fetch him.

The book has resonated with much of my past and present experience as previously noted here on this blog. Each day is a new exercise. Today was #8, tomorrow is #9.

So, I sometimes read the following chapters, ahead of time. And this morning I did.

I took a walk in the afternoon. It is a good time for reflections and things catching me by surprise.

I thought of "H". I had not thought of "H" in a very long time, besides a second or two, as in when someone pops in your head and you think, "I wonder whatever happened to that person"?

So, I thought, what if I ran into him someday. He was someone I dated when I worked in entertainment. He was a producer and I was an idiot shutting down my business--hoping for excitement and glory.

I met him at a party given by my soon to be boss in response to their soon to be movie release. It was a great time and my "boss" introduced me to "H".
We hung out and talked a bit, he gave me his biz card. We danced and he did some weird sort of stroking thing on the back of my hand for a second with his fingertips. Looking back, it was sorta creepy. At the time, I dismissed it (Yeah, those are some of the things I don't ignore anymore).

A few weeks later I had heard from my "new boss". I was coming on board. I wanted to tell "H", plus he had mentioned something to me at the party I wanted to follow up on with him....

So, I called him. Um yeah, he thought I was calling to fuck him.

I sat on my bed talking to him for about 10 minutes before I got the idea and then his words confirmed the intention.

Um, how about "no" for a start. Nah uh, no way.

So, just brand me, I don't know, I would come up with names for myself, but I am trying to be kind to myself even in retrospect over stupid shit I did (see I can say that cuz it was an action, not calling myself stupid or anything).

A couple weeks later I am at the office and this guy starts talking to me like I am his best friend and my boss, thinks we'd make a great pair (mind you he was 12 years older than me--older than anyone I ever dated).

He ends up asking me and is respectful. We have a lot in common, blah, blah, blah....

We are going out for awhile....(yeah, had sex with him. Size doesn't matter when you don't know how to use the equipment you have been fortunately endowed with, let me tell you. It's all in the "being there" giving/receiving and participating like you mean it, that wins this girl!)

Long story, very short. Mr. New Age as he likes to appear to be , all of a sudden says something so inappropriate and demeaning to me that I am shocked. WoW! So, I talked to a friend, give him a note, says "adios" and I am out.

He calls very upset, plus he had a great kid--we really liked each other. He made me feel guilty, said let's be friends. He said, "cool". Then he started treating me like yesterday's trash....

Exercise 9 is on resentment. Rather than to continue this story of "ickiness", I'll cut to the chase.

As you can see in my quest to not resent someone, I was surprised to find I still resented this guy. I always envisioned in the past, if I ever saw him again, that I would just be a jerk to him. And that is what shocked me today.

I still wanted to be a jerk to him.

I still feel like I need a justification for some reason- I don't know why?

After we parted ways, and said to be friends, he would do this weird hot and cold thing with me. I was never sure if he was my friend, interested in me or just disgusted by the sight of me. One time I met him for coffee and was being honest about how I felt and he told me I was a crazy stalker and to leave him alone. I thought it was soooooooooo out of left field.

I had never called him after we stopped dating. I didn't drive by his house or hide in a corner of his office or jump out of elevators at him. I did however forward him joke emails and say "hi" when I ran into him. Once in awhile I would send an email with a "hello or an update of sorts". I guess that was stalker behavior?

Or maybe I just didn't know myself too well. Maybe I was a stalker and he saw it. Maybe I had not admitted my real feelings to myself and all these years I just pointed the finger at him, he was the one who was "messed up"! I was "perfect"! Ewwwwwww.....yup! This lightbulb flickered on today.

Another one bit the dust on the list of lies I've told myself. The men all suck and I am a fairy princess. Right?

I don't feel resentment about anyone else, because I have cleared away all sorts of cobwebs and burnt feelings with men. I just didn't think anything still existed in this department. Guess I was wrong. WAY WRONG! Cuz I am even trying to be "nice", instead of just feeling "charitable" in my description of him.

This guy was critical of me, which does fit a pattern. I am wonderful, but I never believed it.

He made me think I had a screw loose, for a minute or maybe in the back of my mind all these years--that hurt--his words hurt. It resonated somewhere--what if he was right, I was crazy and unlovable? I really never looked at this until today. With exercise 9 and all, it was a brick landing on my head.

By the way, I am the one who most people accuse of having her head screwed on straight.

Yet, why do I keep wanting what I can't have?

So, what did I think I was getting in trying to be his friend? Or when he got a wild hair to communicate with me and would ask me to tea or something--I'd be gung ho!

Did I think I would get him interested in me again? Why would I have wanted such a jerk? Wow- I was so busy all these years saying he was fucked up, so I didn't have to be fucked up.

I guess I am fucked up too, but you know what? It's fucking great to be fucked up!!!!! It really is, I'd prefer it to the expectations I had of myself for so long. The "barre" I was held to growing up, the balance beam I walked on to maintain the sheen of my polished outer layer.

Back then, I didn't want the responsibility or namesake "crazy", so to be called something so inherently "not me", pissed me off (Nowadays please, go ahead, call me "crazy"). I resented him all these years and didn't even know it!

I just didn't want to feel bad about mself.

I have forgiven and accepted, but I guess not him.

Well, guess I found the exercise for today.

Hopefully tomorrow with this discovery the last wisps of "H" will be like a puff of smoke *poof*.