Harmony and all that crap

Unprecedented experiences are where I am at in this moment.

I realized yesterday on an emotional level, that just cuz something occurred in the past, history does NOT have to repeat itself. I know in this moment it is mine to create how I want it to look.

I am also taking risks.

I am changing patterns and beliefs daily. It is slow; happening teeny piece by teeny piece.

Being 100% responsible for my life, looking inside rather than outside for my life circumstances.

I decided on using eHarmony that I do not have to hurry to meet someone. I used to feel I didn't want to communicate too much ahead of time, because it would feel like a waste of time if we met (major expectations) and then what if we didn't end up having chemistry? MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT!

Now, that I am looking for more depth, I have told two men today, that I would prefer to ask more questions through email and see if there is enough basis of commonality to meet at some point.

One of the deciding reasons?

One guy wrote something to me about music and stated he was "thankful" that I liked Metallica and not "Hip Hop", cuz those women in our age group still go to Forever 21 and try to act young," he also went on to say something like, "They are SO not young! What are they thinking?" Interestingly, enough, I never said anything about my "likes or dislikes" (I am wearing a Metallica t-shirt in the picture). All this made me think is "he is critical, judgmental and angry."

The more you email with people, the more you get to know them, by those sort of off-handed remarks they make. Now, I am still open to see what else he has to say, but he does show a mean streak....and I have been done for a long time with angry men.

Another guy said he was thankful that I was open to someone who was not extremely attractive, etc...which read to me as a lack of confidence...all of these things will thwart a healthy relationship. There is a lack of responsibility for oneself in what both men stated--they are putting the responsibility back on women to show up in a way that makes them comfortable. Now, I have stated my request to these guys in taking time by emailing and not meeting right away...so they both could tell me to take a flying leap!

I was at a party last night talking to a 45 year old woman who had never been married. She made statements about how nit picky she has become...if a guy sits with his back to the wall and her facing the wall. Then he is a "jerk". She said, "It is inconsiderate for him to think my facing a wall is not selfish." I said to her,"You know men like to face the door, so they can make sure no one sneaks up on you to harm you. They like to have a view of the room to make sure it all is safe for you." She looked sheepish and said, "Well I was using that as a small example." And I thought, she is never going to meet someone who can live up to her standards.

I am definitely not nitpicking, but am reveling in the enjoyment of getting to know men through communication without pressure.

I am being open, yet clear on my boundaries.