I was pregnant

Gotta love those dreams. I was pregnant in my dream last night. I looked down as I was jogging and thought I was pretty trim and fit for being 6 months along. I have no idea who the Dad was or the point of the dream. I don't usually think dreams are that significant, just the ones where you feel like you were with a person. It seems to take an entire day to shake loose that essence.

I go down the road of opening myself more and more, to the point of looking back and thinking "Holy cow", how closed off was I to love and sharing myself? Crazy!

I heard from the "last guy" yesterday. Funny my blog post yesterday, said, "All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband", so...it must be him! NOT! HA! Instead, I think he has become the "Text Hallmark Greeting Card Service". I hear from him every holiday; sort of odd, since I don't hear from him at any other time, unless I run into him. Wonder if I'll get a text for Flag Day too?

I had three exercises, recently come up in the book I have been following. They always seem to come as I have already started or completed that exercise without the aid of the book. It is funny and reassuring that what I have intuitively done on my own is worthwhile and illuminates my desire to be at peace and married.

Man I am tired, I also had red wine last night (which I do drink lately--many of my friends are wine lovers), but it was a Cabernet Sauvignon...and it was pretty dry, which may explain why I am laying flat as I type this and want to go back to sleep.

Okay...so....first exercise: Cultivating solitude. I saw the headline of the chapter and thought, "I could lead a class on this one". I would be someone who has cultivated "too much" solitude. Let me clarify, not depressing solitude or recovering from broken heart solitude (although I could teach a class on those too), but the time I take everyday and have for years to either run or walk, emptying my head of thoughts and being with nature or nothing. My ability to have solitude at other times is good too, in the car driving for hours, hanging out at my house staring at the ceiling, reading, also sitting on my porch staring at the trees, being creative, etc...I am good at solitude in all forms. The book wants you to be comfortable, cool I am already there. Thing is I am ready to share my solitude with someone else. I used to bristle if I did not get my solitude, it made me feel out of sorts. Now, I willingly and freely give it up if need be or minimize my "aloneness" to the degree in which I am not resembling a freakin' hermit.

Years ago, when I first got divorced: I HATED being alone. When my kids were at their Dad's house, I had to keep myself occupied for fear that I'd end up with myself as my only company. I was unhappy, because this was not the picture of how I wanted my life to look. I didn't want to be a single parent; I wanted someone to share my life with, but I just didn't get that I needed to be true to myself , FIRST! It took me years to get to where I am now and when I have a silent house, I am ecstatic. When I have a full house, I am ecstatic too!

Exercise 2: The next one was "who am I making wrong" and seeing it from their viewpoint. Hilarity! I was with my parents and kids yesterday. We got on a subject that I had a clear memory of being "one way" and my parents remembered it differently. I thought about it and wondered how many other "subjects" we saw differently when remembered from the past. And really what matters? I am sure some of what they said and did when I was growing up was unconscious. Left over from their own childhoods. I could also look at it from their perspective, they always thought they were doing the right thing, even when it was the wrong thing.

I don't want to choose to make them accountable and myself the victim. If anything, I want to move as far from that model as possible. What does that mean then? To continue forgiving them, they are only human. To keep my boundaries and drop the anger if any is left or erupts unexpectedly. To be gracious and generous with love, while keeping to my boundaries--that way there is less of a chance anyone will get hurt. It has been a long road, because the boundaries my Mother wanted and still wants--have to do with her personal viewpoint on her "own" needs. She doesn't get that others do not agree or may be content where she is not at all. This could fill a novel, but it is really about being separate and loving for me in terms of "them".

The last guy was also someone I made wrong for the past several months. At times, I would feel I had forgiven, let go and moved on...and I have to a certain degree. In fact, today...I know that he is not right for me, anyone who cannot give is not right for me. I don't expect him to ride in and say he can commit. I get that he couldn't for his own reasons, right or wrong...they were right to him. If we all just learned to respect someone else's wishes and not coerce of force people to do things they do not want--it'd be a lot better world to live in. Anyways, point is whenever feelings of "not understanding" come up for me in terms of him in the future...I can take a quick "put myself in his shoes" moment and know that I wasn't right for him or he was too hurt from his past or I scared him or he wanted to be footloose and fancy free, whatever it is...he has as much right to his feelings as I do.

exercise 3: the question is "What do I think I absolutely must have in order to be happy? Well sugar, it's like this...nothing, but myself. I, of course say this wanting everyone in my life to be safe, healthy and happy. Aside from that, I have nothing material, no money (in fact I think there exists 20.00 in my checking account), no job, no security, can't pay my rent, etc... and I am happy. I have some crappy moments, but I have and will remain happy. It is finding it no matter what your external stuff is or realizing you can't wait for the "relationship" to walk in the door. You can't wait for the trip, the money, the house, or whatever it is you "want"...it has so little to do with actual happiness. Cuz I have had many things; they did not make me happier. It gave me more freedom in a sense, but at the time I was a prisoner of my own perception that I was lacking certain things in my life...therefore you could have given me a pot of gold at the time and I would not have been "happy".

I am supposed to thank God for my life exactly as it is right now. And, I am thankful. I surrender myself to what is currently in my life, as I try to open up myself to bigger and greater things with more people and opportunities.

I do not have an attachment to out comes, I have just asked for my BIGGEST wish in life to be fulfilled...and I have no idea who that lucky man will be, but I am excited to meet him!