Letter to get rid of an agreement

Punishing oneself. A way of life that is ending, I am no worse than anyone else. I am not a victim of myself. I am choosing a better life for me.

"Like the Moth longing for the flame, insane for the light that will extinguish its very life, the lover longs for the beloved partner."-Connie Zweig.

Dear guy,

I on an intellectual level and 9 out of 10 days emotionally feel as though I have let go. It appears though two things challenge this belief. 1. My dream last night and 2. The feeling I woke up with this morning.

I was told to write a letter in exercise 11, to get rid of an agreement I made that does not work with me, for me ... only against me. I need to revise it and rethink it, but most importantly... I need to reach inside myself and yank the weed whose roots I have no way of knowing their origin.

I know my insecurities, the toxic relationships I grew up with, the adult relationships I had, etc... why would I continue to have you in any capacity in the doorway blocking the entrance to the life I want. You are an obstacle I want to remove. It is up to me, not you to do it too.

All I want to know is why I can't let go entirely? What is the agreement here?

It is odd, because at times I feel very free from you. You feel so distant and forgotten. Then wAH-baMM! There you are, like you never left.

Was it your words in the one last conversation we had regarding you and I? Or was it the hope springing eternal that you actually for once meant what you said?

You said you loved me, but now was not the time. But who knew in the future, maybe I'd get married then divorced and we'd be together. Or if we met right of high school then we'd be together still. Or that we'll be together soon and in ten years we'd still be together. You were all about "Maybe one day we will, but not now".

All those promises you made, is it all the talk you had of us in the future throughout the time we were together?

Could it not have been those words from you, but words from the psychics, who said we'd be together? Is it their voices that told me we shall be together--that it was meant to be--that the cards they saw in front of them were like spreads they had never seen before? Telling me our connection was written in the heavens. I had never in all my years heard anything like that from any psychic here or anywhere...so I believed. Is this where the catch is? Is this what I have held onto in some deep, dark gray part of me that I can't seem to grasp?

Is there a reason this serves me? I ask for help from a higher source, God what is it? Why can't I see it? And yes I need to let go, please, I want a better life of love. It needs to go so I can have a good real guy, not fantasy come in my life-I need to release you. And I need to let go myself.

Is it because it never fully got off the ground? Is it because I just still want what I didn't get? Is it fear no one else is there? What is it?

I wasn't the me I wanted to be and have "now" become in these old relationships.

Those relationships were with the "me", I thought I should be-some idealized version of my childhood done right.

Those were not for the long haul, because those childhood wrongs will never be right, but they cease to matter. And the space I want to clear with you, I want it wide open so that the sort of man who would be good for me comes through it, you are not good for me or my well-being. That dream last night reminded me of the suffering I went through in the time I spent with you.

It is not a happy thing. This is something that seems to keep a degree of pain and suffering here-why?

I want the door open and I can't close doors anymore, it blocks out things I may want to come through it. I can only release things to go out the door, I don't want what doesn't work to stand in the doorway either or something in the doorway that is still trying to figure out if they should come in or out.

Let it go. Is is it you saying we were a perfect match over and over? Perfectly suited to each other? Perfect together? Alike, you just a little crazier? What is it that I can't release that makes me feel bad?

It doesn't matter what you said or did or do now. It is my holding onto misery and pain that doesn't work. It hurts to have this attachment-where is it? It's the cancer I can't cure in me.

I have to make a new agreement. Here it is, I need to release all hope, options, friendship, connection with you for good. I want good, happy things in my life. I held the things you said as some sort of an agreement within me and now it is time to release it. You are free and I am free.

I give you to yourself. I hope the best for you and that you have a happy life. I want the same for me, which is why our old agreement is null and void.

Warmest wishes,
Me
p.s. This new agreement also brings in new wonderful, real love for me. Replacing the pain and suffering sort of love that has been my cross to bear.

pps...I took this in letter form, stated everything within me I could remotely come up with and burnt it...may I never cross his path again or have the feeling I do of a pain of unrequited feelings or a "maybe" that never came. Please let it be gone once and for all, after all these years of thinking I deserve punishment....it is time for freedom.