Maintaining Tension, oy vey!

The suggestion to maintain the tension coming from the "guy", in an attempt to somehow create a space for someone is a tall order. A part of me wants to keep slamming the door on those "vibes" and another part keeps picturing explosives going off at the foot of a brick wall.

I have always been a black and white kind of chick. I tend to not live well with seeds in the air. They must be planted or dead. LOL! I know it is the state of non-attachment we are seeking to hold open. I am not attached to an outcome, but I am attached to my brain having some organized function when it comes to the topic of someone I used to date.

It scrambles it all up, makes me uncomfortable and I don't mind discomfort, but usually I want to bank on a resolution that comes to the discomfort. The only resolution I keep re-focusing on is "A" "MAN" coming to get me. Not "him" or any other connotation of knowing who the hell is coming for me, just any man who fits into the internal criteria I have listed on the "wish list".

I have really expanded the way I am dealing with eHarmony this time. I actually sent out "icebreakers", that is just so unlike me! I actually am conversing with people who I would have discounted for "this or that" in the past without really knowing who they are beyond "hello".

I do confess, I don't want to meet the ones who are not smiling in their pictures. It makes me think they are not happy. I am not about inviting unhappiness in on purpose and frankly, if you are having a bad day when you take that picture with your camera-phone, then maybe you should have waited til an internal sun was shining down upon you.

Or you are high on drugs, tipsy or someone was tickling your feet...at least to give the impression that you are a happy camper.

So, I have opened up all pieces and parts...the other thing I started doing and I cannot fucking believe I had the balls to do it, I am telling almost complete strangers of my intention. I had a new hairdresser yesterday, she owns a nearby salon. Her boyfriend of 6 years (minus 1 year they spent apart) came in and was so sweet. She said he comes in all the time and she almost didn't choose him cuz he was short. He wanted her , so he pursued. He was also her ex-boyfriend's best friend. She said, "okay" and they went out on a first shitty date. He then called her 6 months later to go shopping, she didn't want to, but went as his friend. At the end of the night...they were dating continuously for 6 years, minus that one year in which they did not.

I had earlier in the morning sent out an email to a couple of people who I had to completely "eat" the fear of looking idiotic and telling them of my intention to be married BEFORE my next birthday. And gee, golly willikers, if they happen to know a guy or two, or three...please send him my way. Ya know, if you don't mind.

And so as I was talking to my new cool hairdresser..I got a message back from one of them. I don't remember the exact content, but it was highly amusing and of a smart ass nature. So, I then had to share "why" I was laughing...and why she may think I am a "crackhead", but I didn't care and this sort of bold, nerves of steel thing took over. And continues to in almost every conversation I have with anyone who may not know of may intention.

And of course, that I am supposed to meet him before the end of this year. I figure while the Universe is at it, why not make it happen NOW.

And of course, I will admit, I have been asking for this guy to show up for a long time. I just did not know how UNREADY I had been before.

So, if anything transpires from any of these people, eHarmony or a stroke of miracleness, I will record those happenings here in the blogosphere.