Mirror Mirror on the Wall

There was a time a few months back when I was running (Back when my injury didn't keep me off the streets).

I had told the "guy" to hit the road if he didn't want a commitment. As I ran I thought of the guys I had been with...and how I was left feeling and how I didn't want that "feeling" again, yet I was "feeling" that "feeling" again, are you still with me?

What the heck am I talkin' about?

It was the :one finger pointing...and the other pointing back at me". The mirror reflecting off him, right back at me. It stopped me in my run that day. I called him, and listened to him say "Thank God I called and he was so happy to hear the sound of the voice he missed and he sounded like he was going to cry". Is he really this sweet? Yes, he doesn't make this shit up, he is one of the purest souls (not purest people--not perfect, far from it), but he is pure of heart.

My reason for calling wasn't to date him again. I was calling to make amends and not have a burnt bridge. I am stopping this portion of the story here or I will get way off track with the events that followed over the hours, days and weeks. That can, mmmmmaybe, be another post.

So, I am doing these fun exercises each day. And this one is also on some day in the future, cuz today would be day 10. Okay, I looked it up, it is exercise 13, giving a woundology report.

You see I read and then shit comes in my head and I go "WOW", epiphany, cuz it is accompanied by that lovely clicking sound.

So....I have been a victim. Hopefully, I can explain this correctly. I think for most of my life, I always wanted to hold myself above the fray. I did a good job and still do. Whenever I discuss a failed romantic relationship, I say "I did everything I could, but it failed" and of course everyone jumps in with, "The guy is a total jerk, he treated you like shit or he's a loser or he really likes sheep and still sucks his thumb." Anyways, point is, I would validate myself through this process, I am right... he was wrong. The "he" being, any past "he". I made mistakes, I can do some really stupid shit and dammit, I want, what I want, when I want it! Patience? I don't need no stinkin' patience!

So, this epiphany slapped me. I had responsibility here. I was involved in these situations too. Takes two to Tango.

The truth is...I wasn't ready for the guy this last time. It wasn't just him that it was the wrong time for, it was wrong for me. Why, you ask?

I was connected to him on such a karmic level it was a bond beyond both of us--we were two peas in a pod--obviously, thus the "mirror".

Besides this chemistry he and I had , which I think can only be experienced very rarely in a lifetime or it could actually be "lethal", very simply: I had more growing to do .

I liked lying to myself up til a few days ago. I liked believing I had my shit together when I dated him, but the truth is my shit was loose, diarrhea-like. Although, he had no idea--I hid it very well. I was so anxious, so consumed and that is so wrong a way to live.

I needed to get to where I am now- so I'm stable. I cannot attract a good guy to my life with the layers of anxiety that were still present, despite my working through to what I thought was the subterranean levels over the last several years.

This epiphany included moments of how I felt when I was seeing him, but not with him. Also, highlighting how I thought I was in a good space before I met him, but I was really just settling for a life half-lived existence. Who was I fooling? Obviously myself!

Nope, I guess I needed a ton of bricks to fall on me, like they did and the Universe to hammer into my head that I wasn't moving from this spot until I was good and ready according to the Universe (not me, or I would've been off and running awhile ago).

I will never be perfect or complete. No one is and if they tell you they are...then they are lying. Plus who wants to actually know someone perfect? How boring.

Anyways...I held the guy accountable, I wanted a relationship and he didn't (this was after thinking he did and still wanting to see me, but not the picture I envisioned, so we don't see each other, except in my dreams almost every night, anyways.....).

And now I want whomever in my life in a way that makes sense and that I am ready for at this time. Cuz, I get it, none of those relationships we're ever gonna make me okay. Only I could do that...and I have...you know how I really know?

I got my bewitching period tonight. It has turned me into a stark-raving crazy person, plus physical ailments I never got when I was younger....ALRIGHT, the point, stick to the point.

I feel fine. I have felt so light and free, happy, this has been growing exponentially for months until the rotten egg send off party comes once a month. I feel a little emotional heaviness, not attached to anything, I cried when I read Obama's new appointee for Foreign Affairs to give you an idea of the sort of emotional stuff I am talking about--not real deep, ya know?

I am so knowing that in the years of my single-hood, there was no way a great guy would have tripped over me....and finally, finally that is okay--I am not beating myself up anymore over that, cuz I needed to come in for a landing at a different airfield before I could handle a new trip with a new captain!