This Year, Last Year

New Years: How to spend it? Do I go to bed and ignore it? Do I go out to a party and live it up? Or do I hang with girlfriends and watch movies?

2007 New Years' Eve was not highly fabulous. I was dating the last guy who was busy telling me how he wanted to take me traveling in his new motor home to Mammoth during the ski season; he also said he wanted to travel with me for business (without even being invited, HA); he wanted to learn to snowboard with me.... Um yeah, a whole list of "wants" he had on top of these and none came true.

That's who I was dating a year ago. A man with a whole lotta empty promises *not coerced*, but made of his own volition. Why make promises you can't keep? I'll never know, I can guess, but who cares really? The whole dilemma is so in the past.

I've been moving on down the yellow brick road.

So, last year at this time on this day; I had heard from "him".I had seen him the day after X-Mas to get my present. Which by the way, brought out a tremendous amount of anxiety, which I still can't look inside and figure where it stemmed from at all! It may have had to do with him telling me he was heading out of town on X-Mas Day, and having had a change of plans without telling me? He was not my boyfriend, so he didn't owe that to me. And to envision him is to envision the Nutty Professor, all over the map. Maybe the anxiety came from my last relationship, where my ex told me one thing and did another in terms of his "lying". Nutty (I think I'll refer to him with this name from now on) was not a liar, just disorganized.

I should mention that on X-mas day 2007, he saw me at the Rose Bowl running in the middle of the day. And I didn't see him drive by- he sent me a text to let me know he had seen me. We always ran across each other over the past year or so-except lately, since I stay within the 1 mile boundary of my own neighborhood.

So, the day after X-Mas he took his kids and left for Mammoth. On the trip, he would send me random text messages, like I wish I had a chocolate chip cookie here and you laying with me all cuddled up, etc...(no dirty talk--woulda caused him a stroke and cuz I didn't know we were exchanging gifts--I told him his would be a baked gift)

He and I had been dating a month and a half. I had no idea what to think with him-we had strong chemistry-no sex yet....nothing besides holding hands and a peck here and there. A guy friend of mine suggested, "Well he hasn't tried anything, so it's probably "just friends" ."

So, as I said before, my trick was to get over someone while I was still with them, so I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain, because I was liking them too much...and what if they didn't like me as much? And this guy was no different in my search for self-control and well basically, "control over him too".

On the Saturday two days before New Years Eve, I was on a 14 mile training run.I finally felt myself let go after trying to figure out what the hell I was so attached to with him. Two minutes later, I ran past all the RVs lined up at the Rose Bowl parking lot, getting ready to set up camp over the next few days for the Rose Bowl.

I receive a text from him as I go by the group, thinking one RV looked familiar to me, but that would be weird, since I assumed he was still up North. His text says he is at the Rose Bowl waiting to park his RV. He wanted to know if I wanted to spend the next several hours and the night with him.

I realized, it was his RV I had run past. I told him within a few texts that I was available. And I also told him, "Guess what I'm running around the Rose Bowl now!" He was so excited, he said, "God must have brought you to me! "And did I want water, a nap or a sandwich?" I continued running to the RV spot, where I saw him wildly waving his arms at me.

(I hate remembering all the synchronicity with him--cuz that is when it pulls at me and then I have to look at the "not so great", so I don't start missing a fantasy.)

So, forget the rest of that day/night, onto the next day. Besides this man telling me how terrific our time together was and how he couldn't find anything wrong with it (he said with a smile)--like it was just perfect--we had so much fun, it never ended up mattering, none of it mattered.

The next day we saw a friend of his who asked if I was accompanying him to the Rose Bowl. And I wasn't; his friend thought that was wrong. He was taking his kids and wanted to take his time introducing me to them. Little did I know I would continue to feel this "last" place sort of importance to him as time went on.

He took me home, so he could get his kids. He sent me a couple texts here and there over the next day and a half--mostly referring to how I rocked his world. And at Midnight on New Years Eve-he sent me a text. I was at a very small, boring party that evening. (see my hesitancy in going out this year-another boring party?)

I'm thinking things with Nutty are moving slowly, yet consistently forward. Then I sent a text to him New Years Day- no response- in fact no response for a couple days.

There is more to it, as to what transpired over the following days and maybe I'll be inspired to be straight up about that time too. Thing is I was trying to be the good chick-not demanding he spend time with me, being nonchalant, playing it cool...but inside it was tearing me up. And frankly, it was manipulative. I wasn't happy with being the good chick, it sucked!

I also screwed myself by saying it was early in our dating, and we're taking it slow. At that point, had I known his ex-girlfriend was actually an ex-fiancee that left him 3 weeks before his wedding.....I would've ran!

I want to be drawn to a good guy. Please let me be drawn to someone good and healthy!

I cannot have another scenario which causes anxiety to that extreme (I seriously enlisted hypnotherapy to stay sane!)...I doubt I'd allow it to happen again. Knowing I survived this with its killer chemistry and connection, means ain't no ties gonna bind me to anything remotely resembling an indecisive man. In fact, I feel this surge in me that says, "Like hell you'll stick around for stupid behavior". I am so over any sort of game playing or retardation....

Now if a man communicates his fears...and is really asking me to be there to help him heal-then I can consider it based on his actions (If he is pulling "hide and seek" with me, no way).

I am not waiting for any man to get his shit together. I'm not playing a game--I am serious about wanting to be married and having a good partner who already knows what he wants.