Under The Tuscan Sun

I watched this movie again with a couple of friends last night. The building of the train tracks thru the Swiss Alps years before a train was to go through it; Getting ready and being ready for what you want to come to you. Like chasing ladybugs and wanting one, then falling asleep in the meadow and waking up covered in them. So, much synchronicity in that movie. It is how I am living my life.

Today I woke with some melancholy feelings, which after my walk had turned into more steely reserve in having my wishes come true.

Being around my friend "D" wears me out. Her patterns and struggles are never broken, which is fine, just please don't complain about your circumstances if you can't or won't change the pattern. She doesn't make me happy to be around, I always feel uneasy. She is still a victim. And I have to ask is she my mirror? Is this person a reflection of me? I hope not. I think she is just drawn to me, cuz I don't see my life the same way as she does in how she is in the world. Life happens through us, not to us. A shift in how you show up and anchoring into a deeper truth of who you are.

My boundaries, ability to take risks, not keeping my mouth shut, speaking up when I need to say something and not being afraid. I remind myself, when I look back on all sorts of situations both personal and professional, how I screwed myself by keeping my mouth shut and going with it.

I no longer can sacrifice myself as my friend "D" still can...and if I become desperate for money(which I am, cuz I am broke), will I be tested to NOT take a job which will be the death of me-seriously? Do I need to have a 10th time of unemployment in 9 years???? I'm scared to take that risk, but I have to or how will my life ever change? So, if the Universe is so inclined to send me some of the same shiteous jobs that I have had--I WILL TURN THEM DOWN! And believe me I was desperate in the past and I'm just as financially desperate now. I cannot get attached to having something so badly, that I do whatever it takes in terms of being a chameleon-then I will fuck myself.

No more. And once again I will mention: If any man comes along, I have to keep being true to myself. I have to allow them to pursue me and be cool with it....and NOT get overly eager and shortcut the process or give in too easily to chemistry or hear the words out of their mouth and give them meaning until I see the action.

I am hopeful for the Universe to shower me with kindness and not bring me anyone with commitment issues.

As an example of my COMMITMENT to myself; the guy from eHarmony, who I was conversing with thru email, said he'd call this week-end. I haven't heard from him. Now here are the places my head goes: he is commitment-phobic and he's scared cuz we talked about subjects from deeper questions asked of each other; or he will call; or he is not interested. My biggest fear is that he will call after the week-end; he’ll have some excuse and therefore it is up to me at that point to decide if I continue, will I be a hard ass or do I wait and see? With putting my boundaries into play, I don’t want to turn into a paranoid jerk, but I also don’t want to invite in any more weak men. I have to do a gut check. With that said, “he’s outta here.”