Weeds

As I walk this morning, the thought of me as a kid came up.

I watched these t.v. shows last night, they were X-mas shows from my childhood. As I watched, I would feel a strong swell of emotion. Crazy huh? It was not easy to grasp "why".

Thus far, I can sorta pinpoint it to my dreams as a little kid. I wanted to believe fairy tales existed, because I was so miserable as a kid. My parents always said it was "me", "I was born that way; I could never let go and have fun; I was cold and selfish, etc..."

When I was young, I couldn't trust anyone or anything to be there for me. I didn't trust my parents. They had failed me in being supportive, trying to understand me and ostracizing me to try and change me into what they believed I should be, on top of that they left me alone more often than a kid should be left. I would then isolate, cut off....so I was impenetrable from their words.

I was someone I didn't want to be as a kid, I was told who I was...was wrong. That the person I was had very negative characteristics according to others....so why would I want to be myself?

I know many people experience these sort of feelings, which then turn into beliefs as kids. When you're a kid--you don't have the filter or wherewithal to think adults or caregivers were wrong in their opinions. They are human and as fucked up as any other human being.

As I get ready to go see them for lunch I am as usual on the fence emotionally, neither to this day will admit they were wrong or had any hand in who I came to identify myself to be, they believe I created this all by myself--they still fight to hold on to being "right".

It is not an issue for me so much, I gave up on wanting a certain kind of relationship from them a long time ago. My Mother wants a fantasy relationship. She has expectations that she should be catered to and that because she is perfect, it is just something that is wrong with her kids, not her. She is a victim and a martyr to this day, her choice. I just choose not to engage anymore. I am cool with the distance now.

Getting back to my walk, I thought of my reaction to last night's TV marathon. The thought konked me on the head, "I always felt so unbelievably" alone as a kid. No wonder I am two opposites with no middle ground in some instances. I either hide from the world or want a house full of people. Even if I want the house full of people, I find a need to escape too.

Wow, what idiotic beliefs I had! I was such a lonely kid, who felt unworthy and that I had no value...on top of the fact I thought I was so ugly.

I'm unloading this shit still all these years later. I just hope I have almost reached peace with it...I hope it fails to be my future.

I guess my fear of rejection is tied into it too-so I'd pick men who wouldn't reject me.

Although. This last one did.....I didn't expect it based on what he said all along (we were meant to be together)....and even afterwards. I carried that hope I would finallly be redeemed, that he was going to keep his promises. Hmmm...He would find me worthy? Is that it?

I know how deeply embedded this crap is, because I have been throwing out old beliefs for years. On a logical, intelligent level, I know better. On an emotional level, I'm trying to drop these bullshit beliefs.

I also have to say, please Universe, don't make my life wait until I think I'm perfect for it to begin anew! I don't want to wait any longer for love to come in the door. And I will never be perfect, just more authentic!