Who?

I no longer try to change outer things. They are simply a reflection. I change my inner perception and the outer reveals the beauty so long obscured by my own attitude.I concentrate on my inner vision and find my outer view transformed.-Daily Word

It has been a morning to speak of in transformational terms. In my place of following my intuition and not the “should, have to, and stress thoughts”, the challenges start to crop up.

I have chosen my career path. In the meantime, I need to make a living, but will not put school on hold for a job. I have put things on hold too many times and made sacrifices. There no more sacrifices to be made.

I may not have a roof over my head much longer. I have no idea where the rent will come from, but I am not doing thing to punish myself in terms of a job. Any work or job which comes to me from all of my networking, etc… will have to fit my life at this point. The compromises you make, will always need to be made if you choose to allow them. I choose to have what I want in this life, now.

I listened to an author speak over and over today. She felt much the way I have felt about myself and has transformed her existence. She is married and has a child. She is happy and where she needs to be, because she sought out “who she was, who she was being and what she needed to do to become who she is”.

I walked around for awhile feeling that way, not sure how to change that, cuz I felt I had rid myself of also falsehoods when I saw myself. Not so fast, I guess, cuz here I was today.

Love or fear? I am choosing love. But fear is a strong competitor, especially when it comes to basic needs. I cannot sell myself short anymore. I did a meditation a short while ago. I asked to have the man I am going to marry sitting in front of me.

I felt the most comfortable feeling, like it “just was”. I felt warmth, contentment and happiness. I felt all of the things that I have never recognized before in any relationship. I asked the Universe “Who do I need to become to be married before my next birthday?” “What do I need to do?” “Who am I being and what do I need to let go of?”

I have been letting go for so long, it is now placing wonderful, happy items in the vacant area. I am not alone. Although, I was raised to believe I was…my parents always told me I could’ve raised myself, I was their little soldier (it made it okay for them to leave me), I never could feel safe to show emotion, etc…I worked through a lot of this over the years. There was still the one pervasive issue. Somewhere in there it got stuck, that I was meant to be alone. That I somehow didn’t deserve to have anyone with me…that I would grow old by myself, etc…

No way! Not anymore. I know it, I stopped in the meditation, once my thoughts went to the Universe posing the questions I stated above. I felt from my heart this pain move upward through my throat to my head, in fact my head still hurts, in a weird spot too–the top and back of my head. I cried, a deep soulful cry….”I am not alone” “I know I am not alone”. The pain started to subside a bit and release itself out of my mouth. I hugged my younger self and said “You are not alone and you never really were, it was how you perceived the situation”.

This isn’t about laying blame, this is about owning my victim-hood, the one which has kept me separate and single for 13 years. I am done with it! I will release and release until there is nothing left to release.

I am ready to meet the man I will marry! I am ready to watch how my career will unfold with school. I will do the things and BE who I have always envisioned myself to be instead of a speck of that dream.