Hanging on my bookshelf

I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as a blossom,
goes on as a fruit.
-Dawna Markova

My closet

As I told a female friend the other day, looking at men as clothing that I pick out to go in my closet, works for me.

Some of it you just gotta give away to Goodwill sometimes.

The clothes in there with price tags still on them (although the older I get the less this happens) are the ones which seemed like they could be a good match for me at the store, but when I got them home I sorta lost interest, became un-enamored for some reason. Ya know, like not fitting properly or just wrong for me. So, I have to buck up and toss them into the bag with the rest of the items that don't suit me.

The clothes, like the men come down to these things:
How long they're in my closet depends on how they fit me in every way...and how I feel when I wear them, is it a good fit?

Does it allow me freedom of movement?

Does it make me feel more confident, happy, satisfied or at least not detract by constricting me or making me feel bad about myself?

Although, with that last statement--no one can "make" you feel anything about yourself. It all comes from within, whatever your life experiences are--how you choose your future can be influenced by the past.

It's all about "me" and how I feel.

I really don't let any clothing or man get me down, I just open up my closet and ever so kindly toss them into the bag for someone else to hopefully try on and find a good fit.

Consider it my "Goodwill Gesture".

Psychic Haunting

Being psychic, doesn't give you peace.

You have to learn to carve out that peace.

I receive a major vibe, makes me think I'm crazy. It can be unsettling.

Then of course, my brain takes over and I wonder is it me emotionally or is it a vibe?

I'm always a willing participant in taking on responsibility, if it is self-induced.

So, I call another psychic to clarify. Confirmed: it's a vibe, now what?

I can't change a situation, I can't stop a connection nor can I create one in my real life.

At times it makes me feel off kilter, like today, it comes in waves.

"The guy", I said to my psychic friend, "It's okay if I'm creating this emotionally, I'd actually feel better in knowing where its coming from, then I can slap me upside the head!"

I get his energy- I get the hand of the Universe.

In my heart; I want happiness in my external relationships. No tie of any sort to a man who drops in, every single time I'm getting over him. I kid you not, even when I was dating him and made a decision not to date him...I could be in the middle of nowhere and there he was!!!!

When we started dating, we had a series of bizarre coincidences. One time I was in the same place he was, unbeknownst to us both...and he text messaged me while there, only for us both to realize we were in the same place! His response, "Did God bring you to me?" Um, ya...right.

Internally, the energy makes me climb the walls. It doesn't do me any good. It doesn't make me happy. I can try to ignore it or accept it---it changes nothing.

In accepting it, I even try to daydream about him-thinking that'll give me relief.

It doesn't, because I'm emotionally not attached to him.

I don't really have any particular daydreams about him or us.

Instead, forced daydreaming inspires me to re-live, some insecure moment, having been with someone who loves you, but scares the shit out of himself in being with you.

So. Where does that leave me?

Ad nauseum--I've worked thru my emotions and cut the cord.

Asking the Universe, "why"? "Please, let the cord be cut, I'll do whatever it takes not to be haunted"...has given me no answers.

Back when I met him, I thought I was in a good place. I just had another shitty date with a guy and wasn't going to cry myself to sleep, I figured I'm good alone. Then 2 days later I meet this man.

Dating him, he always spoke in terms of forever-we're very much alike,etc...

The ridiculous magnetic pull, incomparable, since meeting my ex husband.

After a couple months of seeing him and not having had any readings for a few years, I decide to have one, just to see.

I had plenty of readings in the past.

Not much ever came true. If the miracles would have come true, I'd have been successful in my career and married by now.

The mystery man consistently described to me in detail never showed up. I met others, but never this man.

I'd have readings on the other guys I dated, always a "possibility" in terms of a relationship everlasting...but, there was always some other mystery man who supposedly held a better chance of lassoing my heart.

So, I had three readings. I never leave it to one psychic-ever. I look for the consistent statements from each one and see how it plays out.

Mmmmm...ya....all three psychics said he's the guy!

Describing things between us (one even mentioned his injury as a way of defining him), future events, marriage by the end of this year--the latest next spring. Sounded promising, eh?

I thought, it's crazy, no one has ever seen marriage with any current guy I'm dating, ever.

And when I felt anxiety with him, I'd consult another psychic and another....then after a few months, the tide shifted....

Some stuck to the marriage forecast by year's end. A few would contradict themselves: one day they said, "Yes, you'll be with him" and then a week later "No, he's not the one".

You can't argue with a psychic, just take it for what its worth.

Some saw a break coming-they could never tell if it was permanent.

Other's saw a bit of strife, but that it was temporary.

There was the velvet rope, to contend with...the psychic connection--which was strangling me.

You can't explain this to most people, cuz you sound like a sap who can't get over a guy.

Its not a point of getting over him, it's not a candle or a torch. It's white noise, weighing 2 tons! A shade of gray....and clouds so heavy, how to run from it?

I've cried, confronted myself.....done everything to get over it--realized after all the emotional trauma, time is the greatest healer...and that's fine.

MEANWHILE! How to get rid of something not emanating from me? How do I release what I've released a million times to no avail?

It's fucking annoying!

I am soooo incredibly open to a new guy. I'm in the best place I've been in to emotionally be open...and what is it I am doing wrong? Why is this the way it is? I don't get it.

Answers, please....Universe, I'm listening.

Rolling Stone Block The Vote

This sort of thing scares the bajeezus out of me! The problem is inherent in how our information is disseminated to the public. Many people are intimidated or do not know how to find out the legal information. There are still people who are not online nor do these people read the newspaper (which is a whole other issue in being bias anyway).

It seems ruthless and pathetic that it is a cutthroat situation, when one party wants to stay in power to the detriment of this country.

I came out of high school a Republican. Based on what I learned as a high school senior. It was founded in 1854 by anti-slavery expansion activists and modernizers, it first came to power in 1860 with the election of Abraham Lincoln, to the presidency.

That the maintenance of the principles promulgated in the Declaration of Independence and embodied in the Federal Constitution, "That all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; that to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed," is essential and that the Federal Constitution, the rights of the states, and the Union of the states, must and shall be preserved. That the maintenance inviolate of the rights of the states, and especially the right of each state, to order and control its own domestic institutions according to its own judgment exclusively, is essential to that balance of power on which the perfection and endurance of our political fabric depends, and we denounce the lawless invasion by armed force of the soil of any state or territory, no matter under what pretext, as among the gravest of crimes.

The party today stands for the opposite of why I joined: it now supports a right-wing neo-conservative platform, with further foundations in supply-side fiscal policies, deregulation and social conservatism. It is a narrow minded group of control freaks, who believe their way is the only way.

I am an independent and will remain one until the ideology of a political party resonates with what I believe should carry us through as a country.

don't understand dialing looney bin

Many things I don't understand. Just when I think I have myself figured out and I am in a somewhat peaceful space with it all; emotions come flying out of left field and there I am without my mitt.

I am re-living the emotions I had for someone whom I dated this year. A person who I thought I would surely end up with, someone who touched my soul in a way that is beyond comprehension. This individual was not ready for a relationship, he didn't realize it I guess in the beginning. It was when he grew more fearful in between our communication or seeing each other. He would be fine and then not.

He, as I came to find out, had been left by his former fiancé pretty close to their wedding. It all came out after he had done something out of fear, he said it had to do with his family, but I knew the truth...the thought of a relationship scared the shit out of him.

I went through every book, idea and meditative thought process I could to "healthily" get over him.

Each time I thought I was done, gone, over...because I had not thought of him in 24 hours or some other symbol of victory, he would appear. I could be walking down the street and there he was, randomly and oddly timed.

Funny, because all through the time we spent together he would say he thought we were meant to be together, even when he said he could not do a relationship, he thought we'd end up together at some point. He said something so idiotic, "Maybe you'll get married and divorced and then we can be together"--UM HELLO! I obviously told him he was off his rock.

The bottom line was we had a connection that was so comfortable, we were two peas in a pod.

Timing just sucked.

So, as blogged before, I ran into him three times in the last month.

The last time I ran into him we talked for a bit.

I was not ready for the onslaught of emotion that has been washing over me the last two weeks. I do not understand it, logically, I should not even register on the richter scale, but this is like a magnitude 10.0

I should mention I have been dating others, oh no, I have not let grass grow under my feet.

I am so powerfully in love with this person, I have come to realize, it has stopped me in my steps, and overtaken my being at times.

I do not understand it, I am ready to be committed--nice padded room and three meals a day. I keep telling myself that this is ridiculous and forcing myself to face, over and over, that he has gone. I assume he has moved on, because in my head I figure he does not share the same feelings.

He loved me, he told me, but I know how men are and they never let grass grow under their feet. Although, he had been single for a year, before I met him. I try to distract myself, I tell myself all of the things which were imperfect about him and it changes NOT one iota of my feelings. I cannot explain the strange intensity nor the ripple effect it is having on my life.

I center myself, I breathe, and I function. In my heart, it cries out, because as we know the heart never understands.

I don't have low self esteem, believe it or not, I just have a hole in my heart.

I hope this is the last go-round, the grand finale and that it will all return to calm peacefulness and at some point I will meet a person who is ready for me.

ughhhha bugghhha

In the peaceful place I thought I had found to rent out mental space, it appears there is some sort of disruptive noise here.

I realize in having let go of all outcomes that nothing is coming. I have been in this place of "nothingness" and patient for a long time. I keep myself busy, focus on my feelings, staying in check with myself. I tell myself it's cool that I have nothing going on and the only men I meet are unsuitable, although I myself, am far more suitable for a good guy than I used to be.

With work as a double whammy of nothingness, I also am at peace. Except for that damn noise. That buzzing sound that creeps up and asks me what is it I don't get? What fatal flaw do I possess? I have done so much letting go and have such clarity in seeing "me", that I am okay. I am not perfect, but I am okay. No one is perfect and most people are not "okay".

I know I cannot improve myself as a lifelong renovation project, nor do I care to even try.

I am fucking bored!!!!!

I am so fucking bored.

Whilst I wait for the Universe to start delivering the goods and I keep planting my fucking seeds in my fucking garden and wait for a fucking sign of life, besides a weed...I am shitting you not, I am sooooooooo bored.

I do not want drama.

I don't care to engage in any sort of thriller either. I am just looking for something to sink my teeth into, a way to make the kind of money I am used to and a guy who fits the bill (it's a short list,5 items that are a must have)...and if not him; I need enough money to get out and travel, enjoy fine food, new activities and shopping....I am only human its beyond my comprehension.

I mean...

Hey Universe, isn't it pretty fucking amazing that I tend to view life as though I am supremely lucky, even though I don't have a pot to piss in?

Isn't it amazing that I value myself enough that I won't settle for crap anymore.

You settle for poop, life gives you diarrhea.

You wait for the "good stuff" and from what I understand, life is supposed to deliver. Waiting for the pizza man to bring it to my door.

I want the happy surprises instead of the predictable bummers (not disappointments you see, that would mean I have expectations)....it would be great to have a miracle or two, nothing grand, but something I could giggle and pinch myself...and totally appreciate as a thirsty person in the desert eyeballs a margarita mirage or water (if you must).

If anything super-duper happens...I will post here. I try to keep the depressing shit off here, cuz who needs that much whining? I mean this is whining enough at this point.

The Luck Factor

Is good luck just a matter of, well, luck, or are there things we can do to increase our chances of attracting opportunity and good fortune?

I read this back in June and tried it for 60 days. I can't say whether my luck improved, but it was interesting to see how it was comparative to many self help books out there.

English psychologist, Professor Richard Wiseman thinks so. For ten years the professor studied 1000 people who described themselves as either lucky or unlucky and found that certain principles involved in luck can be learned.

Professor Wiseman found that lucky people operate differently from unlucky people in various ways:

• Lucky people are attentive, observant and are open to, and aware of their surroundings. Unlucky people seem to have tunnel vision and miss the good things right under their noses.
• The unlucky also tend to be anxious which increases their narrow vision.
• Lucky people are able to see the bigger picture as well as details.
• Lucky people have welcoming and open body language and smile often which makes them more likeable to others and increases their chances of receiving valuable information, and being offered opportunities and support from other people.
• Unlucky people have more rigid and closed body language, which distances them and reduces their impact on others and input from others.
• The lucky listen to their intuition while the unlucky tend to ignore their ‘gut feeling’.
• The lucky are more optimistic about the future so that other people react more positively to them and have more confidence in them.
• The unlucky are pessimistic and give up easily because they assume they are ‘unlucky’ and won’t succeed.
• When they are faced with problems and setbacks, lucky people turn such ‘bad luck’ into ‘good luck’ by searching for different ways, means and opportunities. They don’t give up while the unlucky do.

In his Luck School Professor Wiseman has been teaching people how to develop ‘lucky’ habits. Luck it seems has less to do with intelligence, ability, talent or hard work than with our and approach to life. Luck comes from a person’s outlook and actions rather than from some mysterious outside force.

Psychics R Us

Welp! The prediction I gave my friend on Sunday, came true last night. How funny! Guess the ol' gal still has got it. She was amazed, because she never thought it would happen. She also said that when I gave her the "words o' psychic wisdom" that she felt calm and relaxed. She has remained in this state since Sunday.

I would LOVE to see psychic readings come true for me, guess I can dish em' out, but when it comes to me "taking a reading" it just doesn't pan out. Otherwise my life would have moved beyond the point of fly paper. According to every psychic who has ever given me a reading in the past 9 months, my life should have already launched. It isn't for lack of my being "open" and talking to everyone I know....doesn't make anything happen!

Even without a reading, I do things which should create "good" in my life. I do not force anything nor do I get super-cali-frag-i-listically, over the top, EXCITED, with just the hint of an endeavor.

Nope I'm slower to rise to the occasion. I like to drink it in and understand nowadays. I want a good "fit" in my life. Too small a shoe isn't really something you can fix, guess you could stretch it out, but then its misshapen...no to the poor-fitting one when what you need is the big ol' comfy one, that makes you smile!

Sundays like this make life interesting

Hike and breakfast were fun.

He is a nice guy, but I realize that I am not over the last one and I am really paying attention to what this guy says to me.

I don't want to ignore "flags" and just go with chemistry.

He said he doesn't want to be dependent on anyone and does not want anyone dependent on him. What the heck does that mean? Inter-dependence is normal, co-dependence is too much. I don't want to walk on egg shells with someone who may not be able to help me up when I fall down. Or if I had a fatal disease or even the flu, I want a little sympathy, a back rub and someone who gives a shit.

He also said he is set in his ways. That is frightening, the toilet paper only gets hung one way in his house.

Another red flag is that when he retires early, he'd like to work in a hardware store or be a forest ranger.

Now, I could just go with the flow.

But where is the flow going?

Is it gently going out to see or is it a tributary to the Mississippi River?

I don't want to keep dating someone, whom I know I will eventually come to an impasse with at some future date. I have no plans or interest in changing someone else's future goals. I just don't share them. I also don't want to prematurely toss someone over the train tracks either. Nor am I planning my wedding on a first date.

I am just trying to "pay attention", those flags I missed in previous relationships or I ignored or I thought would change, came and bit me on the kneecap. So, can you blame a chick for trying to practice some self-preservation?

I was out with my girlfriends earlier...it was fun, unfortunately this bizarre psychic haunting I am experiencing is distracting! I can feel his energy. Apparently "not over on some level", I had to keep pushing it away.

I gave one of my friends a reading at the bar. It was short, we'll see if anything happens this week for her.

My girlfriends think I need to give him a chance. Hmmmm...I don't know. CONSIDERING, he is nowhere in my "REAL" life!

smiles

Seems to me, I like a smile and a nice set of eyes.

That works for me.

Period is almost gone already.

I was supposed to go out tonight, but I am going to be working.

I am going on a hike and to breakfast tomorrow morning.

It is a date.

The guy seems nice and he is athletic, so it should be fun.

He rides his bike everywhere. My friends have nicknamed him "10 speed everywhere guy"

It is how I met him, me on foot and him on his bike. It is so easy to meet people, just smile and wave. You don't need dating services when you have that ammunition.

It came

My period was about 24 hours late, but the freakin' PMS was w-a-y too much this time. I will be ready for my little white jacket with sleeves that tie in the back if this is to be a monthly soap opera.

I am psychic, I used to do readings for people. I then realized in doing readings that were accurate...most people wanted more. I didn't want to give false hope, nor did I want to have someone calling to ask me which toilet paper brand would keep the hemorrhoids away either. And believe me, I had a few who didn't know how to wipe clean.

Anyways, the energy I am picking up is kicking my ass. I keep wondering if it is my emotions or from someone thinking of me, as though I am being "vibed out".

That is the problem people, when you open up your intuition, stuff flies in and stuff swims around...and sometimes you have no idea where it originated.

sliding down the hill

Who forgot to tell me that periods at 44, suck ASS!

This is the 4th day of the chronicles: "Where the fuck is my period" PMS hell.

Bottom of the barrel emotionally. I can maintain a sort of zen-like tude for the most part, not attached to outcomes. Today is not one of those days. I am not attached to "specific" outcomes, I am really open to any outcome at this point, especially from between my legs. ARGH!!!!

My life is like a bunch of dangling threads (unfortunately not the end of a tampon), unfinished business and nowhere to go--not forward, sideways or backwards....just here.

Shitbag aka PMS over 40, means I have no brain control. I am a drueling, crying, stinky mess.

Where's my damn prince?

As long as he's an attractive good guy, who is emotionally and financially stable--SOLD! Anything less, fergettttt it sweetheart.

Income-wise: I don't care if it is a job or my own biz as long as its mula and I'm not shackled to an untenable position.

I don't dream of what these things are anymore, because I know the new reality of my life is to be different than the old, so I have not experienced "it" yet and I'd be guessing if I knew what "it" felt like.

I have loose ends from a prior love. I keep running into him too! He doesn't live in my hood, but might have a customer within my city limits. Doesn't matter the time of day or the street, he pops out of nowhere. Three times in the last month. I feel like I am living a Universal hell.

No passing fancy, I swore this guy was the one and he for me, but alas the timing was off. He's not an asshole, but selfish? Yes. An asshole? No.

I've changed my route many times. I even begged the Universe one evening to keep him away from me while I run. I changed my route AGAIN.

Being psychic...you just know this shit is gonna happen.

I knew I was ripe to run into him....addressing the Universe, I said, "Please, (I was polite)I only want to see this clueless dunderhead if he's finally ready to say something of substance".

I got up the next morning, laced up my running shoes and head out. I was happy. I thought, no fear he is not on the radar. That was until I came around the corner 2/3 of the way through my run, um yeah. There he was driving up the street I am on! What?! Why?! Who the fuck knows. I don't pretend to anymore.

Reminded me of when I was repeating the law of attraction stuff a couple months ago. I had not spoken to him in a couple weeks at that time. I said to the Universe, "Please show me the man I am meant to marry within the next 24 hours, blah, blah, blah"...guess who calls twice the next day during the 24 hours? Yup, this fool.

I am just trying to live my life. Give a chick a break!

I have done what all the books tell me in getting over someone. I also realize it is not me, it is him. I have heard all the advice. And most days of the week, I feel uniquely past this love. Then out of nowhere it rears its head and I am lost in a cluster of emotion...not sure "why or how". All I can do is wait for time to pass. Continue to date others as I have and go out with friends, which I do. So, am I missing something?

I am beyond logic with this one, as I am about my lack of work; I plant and plant....and nothing sprouts or they start to sprout only to have their growth stunted. Don't get it....and by the time my stupid fucking period shows up (excuse me--it is really fun having a headache and feeling hungover for 4 days--especially when you haven't been drinking)...I will have returned to a peaceful space about this man. And the realization that sometimes in life there are no answers or sometimes you cannot force the tying up of a loose end.

I have no control.

I continue to breathe. And wait for my monthly package of hell to arrive.

Surrender if only for today

I believe sometimes you just have to surrender. Put down the rubberband and spit wads.

Fighting, struggling expending energy toward an invisible obstacle or I should say intangible.....is sometimes more defeating than giving up.

The thing is even though I'm seriously depressed (please, some days you just gotta admit it!) and have no energy....it doesn't mean I'll accept table scraps either-those days are OVER. I'd rather be with nothing than to hold onto an ice cube of a promise.

When I went to re-read the self help books and spiritual guides, it was funny, I wanted the "next step" in those books. What if you have already evolved to the last chapter of the book? What if you already see the world thru purple-colored glasses? And you get it molecularly, but your external environment is clearly in need of an overhaul?

I look for clues, signs, something to tell me how to "move" things. And then I feel it, the Universe sitting on my head.

Even being depressed, I realize it over and over. There is a psychic impression I have of not being able to move forth until I worked out my soul. Until I was honest enough with myself to really stop going with "what I thought I should do" as opposed to what I "want to do".

One was switching my degree from business administration to psychology. It was like my heart started to sing, it has taken me 5 years to get here and I realized it was pointless to keep earning a degree I didn't want, duh!

second day

Recent conversation:
I'm not mad. I understand you were just offering an ear. Nice of you, but I'm at a point where I don't have a load to spew--it's been said over and over to myself, to others....it doesn't help anymore, because it doesn't change my situation. Only way anything will make it better: a change in my circumstances.

Nice of my friend to offer, but not necessary. No need to puke upon others.

I am not attached to outcomes. My life is a dead zone each day. It has stopped having an impact on my emotional well-being. I've lost it or maybe I just let go?

I've just given up on circumstances changing. I used to jump up and down with excitement at the thought of something new, only to realize my chain is being yanked. After having your chain yanked so many times....you can't attach to any outcome and just accept this is life in the future.

I have control over my actions and reactions, but realize little else is within my realm of "force". And force never has a good outcome.

I do plant my seeds, each and everyday...eventually there will be a substantial harvest or living in my void shall continue until such a time comes in the future.

Sleep your way to success

Guess, I should have paid more attention to sleeping "more".

According to Charles Czeisler, a specialist in sleep deprivation at Harvard Medical School, lack of sleep can be as bad for productivity as drinking too much alcohol.

"We now know that 24 hours without sleep, or a week of sleeping four or five hours a night, induces an impairment equivalent to having alcohol level in the blood," says Czeisler. "We would never say, 'This person is a great worker! He's drunk all the time!' ...yet we continue to celebrate people who sacrifice sleep for work."

And Corporate America does promote workaholism amongst its ranks - pushing exec's to work marathon-100-hour-workweeks, encouraging employees to take red-eyes and land with fast-feet running to the office, rather than catch needed shut-eye and re-energize.

Dr. Czeisler warns that burning candles at both ends actually does not justify the productivity ends. Indeed sleep deprivation creates the antithesis to high performance.

"With too little sleep," Dr Czeisler says, "people do things that no CEO in his or her right mind would allow."

For this reason, Dr. Czeisler suggests companies now start to incorporate new sleep policies which oppose employees working beyond a 16-consecutive-hour period, and prohibit working or driving immediately after late-night or overnight flights.

Dr. Czeisler comments how it's interesting that companies have rules to protect employees against smoking and sexual harassment -- yet companies promote self-destructive workaholism behavior.

I suggest you keep Dr. Czeisler 's report in mind the next time you have a choice between working too long versus getting some needed sleep.

In fact, I suggest you sleep on all this information.