Had to go there.
Last night a quickie while the RV was rolling down the road to Vegas....actually most of the time with cherub, they are all pretty quick.
We have chemistry...which is why, even if it doesn't last long and is not as satisfying as it could be, i am still okay. I know I will never have what I did with my one ex. That would be hard to top in all aspects.
He and I ran around Vegas...he got a haircut and I window-shopped. He talked about us coming back there, just the two of us to have fun! I am game. Thanks to the impulsive people who gave birth to me, I tend to love to just pick up and roll!
It is weird though...I feel connected, but there is a lot of silence. I was hoping that things would be a bit more "fun" on that level. Like friends hanging out, but maybe as the week progresses it will get better?
We're on the road again...funky weather everywhere, hopefully we'll be okay as we drive this monster onward into the night.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
It's late
Welp....life is weird.
I am on my way to a week of not knowing what the hell to expect!
I get picked up....and find out cherub went out of the country over X-Mas. Am guessing with his ex-wife and kids for some reason. The guy who lives with him had no idea we had been out of contact for 8 months. Cherub mentions running into me all the time and how it was so funny!
I bite my lip and refrain from getting into my avoidance of him. His roomie had no idea, think it is weird that he thought we were communicating all these months.
So, we go eat and cherub is very interested in me and what I have to say....okay.
Then we pick people up.
Pick up the first guy, he is not well.
Pick up the next two and cherub tells me how happy he is to have me there and is holding my hand and jumping up and down in his seat.
The two people we pick up are his family members who were at the ski rental place, but were not introduced to me...cuz of the weirdness of it all. So, I tell cherub he made it weird for everyone...and then he says his son had sent him a message earlier saying he knew I was going and that was why he didn't want his son going. Cherub lied again. He also told his son (who has a broken limb) that the reason he wasn't going was his broken limb. DRAMA!
So, I go to the restroom...next thing I know the ailing guy has grabbed my seat---I come back and stand for a minute--he ignores me...he ain't giving it up. He doesn't say "excuse me, do you mind?" or anything polite.....now, I find this rude.
I figure out a seat, then cherub asks me to come sit next to him on the floor space next to him...he said he prefers me there anyways and is happy to have me so he can hold my hand.
Time for bed...uh oh...cherub and I are sharing a bedroom and a bed. What will happen? ;-)
I am on my way to a week of not knowing what the hell to expect!
I get picked up....and find out cherub went out of the country over X-Mas. Am guessing with his ex-wife and kids for some reason. The guy who lives with him had no idea we had been out of contact for 8 months. Cherub mentions running into me all the time and how it was so funny!
I bite my lip and refrain from getting into my avoidance of him. His roomie had no idea, think it is weird that he thought we were communicating all these months.
So, we go eat and cherub is very interested in me and what I have to say....okay.
Then we pick people up.
Pick up the first guy, he is not well.
Pick up the next two and cherub tells me how happy he is to have me there and is holding my hand and jumping up and down in his seat.
The two people we pick up are his family members who were at the ski rental place, but were not introduced to me...cuz of the weirdness of it all. So, I tell cherub he made it weird for everyone...and then he says his son had sent him a message earlier saying he knew I was going and that was why he didn't want his son going. Cherub lied again. He also told his son (who has a broken limb) that the reason he wasn't going was his broken limb. DRAMA!
So, I go to the restroom...next thing I know the ailing guy has grabbed my seat---I come back and stand for a minute--he ignores me...he ain't giving it up. He doesn't say "excuse me, do you mind?" or anything polite.....now, I find this rude.
I figure out a seat, then cherub asks me to come sit next to him on the floor space next to him...he said he prefers me there anyways and is happy to have me so he can hold my hand.
Time for bed...uh oh...cherub and I are sharing a bedroom and a bed. What will happen? ;-)
D-Day
Well...it is THE day! I am packing away.Running around getting last minute crap done, including going to the gym with my middle child....she likes to go everyday. Such a committed gal!
Cherub called. Wondering what I was doing and if I was ready to go...I asked what to do with my car and my concern with leaving it parked anywhere for a week, because I have a tire going flat.
He told me to bring it to the tire shop next door to his office. Use the remaining money he gave me and repair the tire. Okay...not a problem. Plus he tells me he wants to go for a run with me too. So...no problem again.
I bring my laptop, go to the tire place...they say 30 minutes til its done. Meanwhile one of cherub's guys comes over, the one I know...he says I need all 4 tires...I know, but what can you do! I have no money for that at all.
So...go back to his office, ask where I can plug in, he points a cross the street to the RV, huh? Nowhere in his office, but I can go across the street...then I notice out of the corner of my eye...his son is there! I don't acknowledge him....not worth it, this is just getting stupid.
I feel like I am having an affair or doing something illicit. YUCK!
I go to the RV to wait for my car. I work on my laptop doing homework. I go back to the tire place without going in his office again. Car is ready...text cherub a "thank you"...and I am in my car.
He asks, where I am at...I say in front of the office...no answer. I tell him I am headed to run. No answer. So much for a run!
As I write this I am waiting for him to arrive, he finally text messaged 30 minutes ago saying they'd be here in 10, then 15, then 30 minutes later.
Oops....there he is...off I go!
Cherub called. Wondering what I was doing and if I was ready to go...I asked what to do with my car and my concern with leaving it parked anywhere for a week, because I have a tire going flat.
He told me to bring it to the tire shop next door to his office. Use the remaining money he gave me and repair the tire. Okay...not a problem. Plus he tells me he wants to go for a run with me too. So...no problem again.
I bring my laptop, go to the tire place...they say 30 minutes til its done. Meanwhile one of cherub's guys comes over, the one I know...he says I need all 4 tires...I know, but what can you do! I have no money for that at all.
So...go back to his office, ask where I can plug in, he points a cross the street to the RV, huh? Nowhere in his office, but I can go across the street...then I notice out of the corner of my eye...his son is there! I don't acknowledge him....not worth it, this is just getting stupid.
I feel like I am having an affair or doing something illicit. YUCK!
I go to the RV to wait for my car. I work on my laptop doing homework. I go back to the tire place without going in his office again. Car is ready...text cherub a "thank you"...and I am in my car.
He asks, where I am at...I say in front of the office...no answer. I tell him I am headed to run. No answer. So much for a run!
As I write this I am waiting for him to arrive, he finally text messaged 30 minutes ago saying they'd be here in 10, then 15, then 30 minutes later.
Oops....there he is...off I go!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Contact
I know my husband is coming to me....I know I have not met my husband yet. Thank you Universe for sending him to me, I am grateful.
I cannot wait til he shows up in my life, because he will be the first "functional" relationship I have ever had---woohoo!
I feel like I will be stepping into quicksand this next week, no idea what to expect, but starting the trip off with last night's weirdness doesn't bode well for me.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever have sex like I did with my ex-boyfriend. I really didn't appreciate it as much back then (although it made me hang out a LOT longer than I would have otherwise)...the two people since him, including cherub pretty much don't even rate. They are on the list with my teenage sex experiences--that I experienced in spurts of hurried public places...some sort of a thrill, but the actual act.....I could have toasted a bagel. Actually toasting the bagel may have taken longer than the actual act with these two.
Woops...getting sidetracked ;-)
Anyways--cherub made mention of me going to the grocery store last night. So, texted to find out if that was still the case. Nope...not necessary...good for me! I had business meetings to attend to anyways. I am supposed to be landing more work and it looks like I will be from two different clients.
Yes...nice going away gift! And I am scrambling to get as much homework as I can completed today, so I am not stressing.
Cherub calls, he went and picked up his RV and was again excited that I am coming along on the trip. He says I can cook, clean and do his laundry....I said, I think it is the other way around and he agrees. He then said he will put a special list on my pillow...ummm, okay.
We talk awhile and start debating "luck". And then figure we'll have plenty of opportunities to discuss in person for a week, right?!
So, I go to sleep thinking, maybe...just maybe I am going on this trip.
I cannot wait til he shows up in my life, because he will be the first "functional" relationship I have ever had---woohoo!
I feel like I will be stepping into quicksand this next week, no idea what to expect, but starting the trip off with last night's weirdness doesn't bode well for me.
I wonder sometimes if I will ever have sex like I did with my ex-boyfriend. I really didn't appreciate it as much back then (although it made me hang out a LOT longer than I would have otherwise)...the two people since him, including cherub pretty much don't even rate. They are on the list with my teenage sex experiences--that I experienced in spurts of hurried public places...some sort of a thrill, but the actual act.....I could have toasted a bagel. Actually toasting the bagel may have taken longer than the actual act with these two.
Woops...getting sidetracked ;-)
Anyways--cherub made mention of me going to the grocery store last night. So, texted to find out if that was still the case. Nope...not necessary...good for me! I had business meetings to attend to anyways. I am supposed to be landing more work and it looks like I will be from two different clients.
Yes...nice going away gift! And I am scrambling to get as much homework as I can completed today, so I am not stressing.
Cherub calls, he went and picked up his RV and was again excited that I am coming along on the trip. He says I can cook, clean and do his laundry....I said, I think it is the other way around and he agrees. He then said he will put a special list on my pillow...ummm, okay.
We talk awhile and start debating "luck". And then figure we'll have plenty of opportunities to discuss in person for a week, right?!
So, I go to sleep thinking, maybe...just maybe I am going on this trip.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Here on Earth
Well...he always figures a way to disappoint me. We leave Friday for the trip. Still cannot believe I am going and that he won't back out.
Remember, this jackass has left me high and dry before.
So, an hour before I am to meet him at the local ski rental place. I get a text--stating he can't make it this evening....I ask when, if not this evening (as my heart sank into my stomach--waiting for the blow off)? We text back and forth...he is excited I am going...I tell him I am off to buy mittens at the same ski rental place.
He then texts me back and says, now they are all going to meet there (everyone that is who needs to rent prior to the trip). Weird? Of course...what else is new with this person.
He calls me as I pull up to the lot--again telling me how excited he is and that i will be saving him from some of the other people who are going on the trip. He says we'll sneak off and go do other things without everyone. And I by the way, am looking at this as though I am his buddy.
He then says, he'll be at the ski place in 30 minutes and I need to "act" like I am coincidentally there. Huh? Ruh Roh?!
His son was coming with him to the store. His kids and ex-wife were originally supposed to go as a "family" trip to the snow, but a series of reasons made it impossible for all of them to go...along with the fact that his ex-wife never wanted to go in the first place. BUT, his son was not to know, because you see....he would feel I was displacing him and then if the whole family knew, they would have questions about "me". I had met his kid when I dated him last year and so, now I was put into "awkward-ville'.
Not happy and feeling weird. I interacted with everyone in such a weird way....and one of them who knows me, commented to me how "stupid" it was that we were playing like we accidentally ran into each other.
I left....he sent me a text looking for me, he had no idea I had already gone and was on my way to H's house. He tells me they ended up not renting, and were going to wait til we got to our ski destination. WHATEVER! I would say it is all for naught, but he gave me two hundred dollars to buy some things I needed.
I wonder if I'll actually make it on this trip? Or if there will come a bail out point within the next 36 hours?
Remember, this jackass has left me high and dry before.
So, an hour before I am to meet him at the local ski rental place. I get a text--stating he can't make it this evening....I ask when, if not this evening (as my heart sank into my stomach--waiting for the blow off)? We text back and forth...he is excited I am going...I tell him I am off to buy mittens at the same ski rental place.
He then texts me back and says, now they are all going to meet there (everyone that is who needs to rent prior to the trip). Weird? Of course...what else is new with this person.
He calls me as I pull up to the lot--again telling me how excited he is and that i will be saving him from some of the other people who are going on the trip. He says we'll sneak off and go do other things without everyone. And I by the way, am looking at this as though I am his buddy.
He then says, he'll be at the ski place in 30 minutes and I need to "act" like I am coincidentally there. Huh? Ruh Roh?!
His son was coming with him to the store. His kids and ex-wife were originally supposed to go as a "family" trip to the snow, but a series of reasons made it impossible for all of them to go...along with the fact that his ex-wife never wanted to go in the first place. BUT, his son was not to know, because you see....he would feel I was displacing him and then if the whole family knew, they would have questions about "me". I had met his kid when I dated him last year and so, now I was put into "awkward-ville'.
Not happy and feeling weird. I interacted with everyone in such a weird way....and one of them who knows me, commented to me how "stupid" it was that we were playing like we accidentally ran into each other.
I left....he sent me a text looking for me, he had no idea I had already gone and was on my way to H's house. He tells me they ended up not renting, and were going to wait til we got to our ski destination. WHATEVER! I would say it is all for naught, but he gave me two hundred dollars to buy some things I needed.
I wonder if I'll actually make it on this trip? Or if there will come a bail out point within the next 36 hours?
Old College Try
So.....
I am interested in finishing things up and moving forth. This is tantamount to how I choose to live my life here in So Cal. It is important, because I have put these intentions out to the Universe....especially the one about getting married before my next birthday.
I realize that I must go through toxic crap and any other sideswiping sort of action, so not to encounter it again with anyone else in an intimate relationship.
So....with that said. Here is what has transpired this morning.
I think cherub is an "ending for me". He is the last stop on the "Shredded Heart Express", with the final destination Dysfunction Junction.
He never answered my last text...and thus, I gave it the last pitch. Figure no response...than it is done. No more communication from me. I sent him one this morning...waited a couple of hours...no response.
Sent him one "kindly" stating to "my friend" that I expect an answer at some point from any of my friends who text, no matter how busy they are and I return them too.
So...he sent me, xoxo.
Followed a few minutes later with an invitation on a ski trip for a week. WHAT??? WAIT....was thinking I was getting the blow off...and i was totally prepped and good with it...once an ass, always an ass when it comes to him.
Hmmm....two opposing thoughts came up. The first--I can do this, laptop and phone are portable--so school and work could come with me. The second---UGH--does this even sound fun AT all? Do I really want to go there?
The answer inevitably was "YES".
The reasons:
1. If he blows chunks as a human being it will be a super speedy way to clean myself off and flush him down the toilet--close quarters for a week, will show warts and all.
2. If he turns out to be 80% human then it could be an opportunity to get closer.
3. My main goal is to marry someone who is suitable for me, crossing him off the list could be done in a week rather than months from now.
4. I may have fun
5. I have nothing to lose
6. On my collage is a picture of a beautiful house in the snow. One of the vacations I have asked to happen this year--involves snow, a fire, and skiing.
Lame or not...I decided...what the hell!
I am supposed to meet him at the local sporting goods store and go by my friend H's house to pick up some of her ski stuff this evening. Stay tuned.
I am interested in finishing things up and moving forth. This is tantamount to how I choose to live my life here in So Cal. It is important, because I have put these intentions out to the Universe....especially the one about getting married before my next birthday.
I realize that I must go through toxic crap and any other sideswiping sort of action, so not to encounter it again with anyone else in an intimate relationship.
So....with that said. Here is what has transpired this morning.
I think cherub is an "ending for me". He is the last stop on the "Shredded Heart Express", with the final destination Dysfunction Junction.
He never answered my last text...and thus, I gave it the last pitch. Figure no response...than it is done. No more communication from me. I sent him one this morning...waited a couple of hours...no response.
Sent him one "kindly" stating to "my friend" that I expect an answer at some point from any of my friends who text, no matter how busy they are and I return them too.
So...he sent me, xoxo.
Followed a few minutes later with an invitation on a ski trip for a week. WHAT??? WAIT....was thinking I was getting the blow off...and i was totally prepped and good with it...once an ass, always an ass when it comes to him.
Hmmm....two opposing thoughts came up. The first--I can do this, laptop and phone are portable--so school and work could come with me. The second---UGH--does this even sound fun AT all? Do I really want to go there?
The answer inevitably was "YES".
The reasons:
1. If he blows chunks as a human being it will be a super speedy way to clean myself off and flush him down the toilet--close quarters for a week, will show warts and all.
2. If he turns out to be 80% human then it could be an opportunity to get closer.
3. My main goal is to marry someone who is suitable for me, crossing him off the list could be done in a week rather than months from now.
4. I may have fun
5. I have nothing to lose
6. On my collage is a picture of a beautiful house in the snow. One of the vacations I have asked to happen this year--involves snow, a fire, and skiing.
Lame or not...I decided...what the hell!
I am supposed to meet him at the local sporting goods store and go by my friend H's house to pick up some of her ski stuff this evening. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Perspective rotation
Today, I woke in an interesting mood.
Cannot figure out what I am to do about this situation with Cherub. And as the day wore on, I came to some conclusions.
The first is I am getting a very distinct energy from another male whom I have not met yet. I FINALLY get it! I know the man is a lawyer or something of that nature and not just cuz the psychic brigade told me so, it's something I always thought in the back of my mind.
The vibe is getting stronger and with it comes a HUGE sense of peace. I am getting Cherub is not my soulmate, AT ALL!
Going to a dinner party tonight. So happy!
Cannot figure out what I am to do about this situation with Cherub. And as the day wore on, I came to some conclusions.
The first is I am getting a very distinct energy from another male whom I have not met yet. I FINALLY get it! I know the man is a lawyer or something of that nature and not just cuz the psychic brigade told me so, it's something I always thought in the back of my mind.
The vibe is getting stronger and with it comes a HUGE sense of peace. I am getting Cherub is not my soulmate, AT ALL!
Going to a dinner party tonight. So happy!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Vanilla Poop
As my daughter who is 17 said after she polluted the bathroom then coated it with "vanilla room spray". Her sister walked in and started gagging. lovely. It is one of my kid's birthdays today. My son and I went to sushi for lunch, while waiting for the other two to return from a week-end trip.
One of my friend's who I have known since I was 11, came up to go out last night. It was a lot of fun! We went to a really nice bar restaurant locally. We had dinner; I had wine; she had beer. It was great. In the midst of the fun we were having discussing everything under the son. The cherub sent me a text message at a little after 9 p.m. All it said was, "How are you?" I showed it to my friend, who thought...how random and weird! She said, "Why don't you type back...I am fucking great! Why do you ask?" I am a polite texter for the most part and know how things get misconstrued. So...I pondered for awhile what to write...and ended up with, "I am great! How r u?"
Then I sent him a text asking him for some of his text artwork...he could actually make figures and stuff using text message.
No answer to either text message.
All we could both think was...what a weirdo!
How back-asswards scared are you? Did you really ship your balls off to another country? Cuz you really need to go find them!
It is really at the point of tiresome. Told my nineteen year old daughter...she thought he was weird too. She said the same thing my friend did...ignore him.
I am going to but not for those reasons. Moreso for the reasons of I want the "right guy for me in my life". Unless I am looking for someone who is enlisted in remedial manhood...I need to be strong and keep on going!
One of my friend's who I have known since I was 11, came up to go out last night. It was a lot of fun! We went to a really nice bar restaurant locally. We had dinner; I had wine; she had beer. It was great. In the midst of the fun we were having discussing everything under the son. The cherub sent me a text message at a little after 9 p.m. All it said was, "How are you?" I showed it to my friend, who thought...how random and weird! She said, "Why don't you type back...I am fucking great! Why do you ask?" I am a polite texter for the most part and know how things get misconstrued. So...I pondered for awhile what to write...and ended up with, "I am great! How r u?"
Then I sent him a text asking him for some of his text artwork...he could actually make figures and stuff using text message.
No answer to either text message.
All we could both think was...what a weirdo!
How back-asswards scared are you? Did you really ship your balls off to another country? Cuz you really need to go find them!
It is really at the point of tiresome. Told my nineteen year old daughter...she thought he was weird too. She said the same thing my friend did...ignore him.
I am going to but not for those reasons. Moreso for the reasons of I want the "right guy for me in my life". Unless I am looking for someone who is enlisted in remedial manhood...I need to be strong and keep on going!
Friday, January 23, 2009
different perspective
A reading.
Barb T.
In general, why did this guy come back into my life? Lonely without me. Does he have the courage to step up to the plate? Missing in him. Somehow he's hoping I don't notice. He missed me for sure. Giving his heart? Wanting me to do a certain dance for him. He takes the lazy road. Sweetness and gentleness come through, taking initiative-investing makes a trigger in things to work thru for him.
I don't like his looks, she asks me. She said he is in poor shape (true). She said I am a very nice person, accepting people as they are. I don't need to be, his look, poor shape. He's too scared, patterns--no change, very nice words. After I am gone from his life: he'll know it, he'll get it-he'll get the lesson. Regret for the rest of his life.
Tall, lots of dark hair, nice guy--good communicator--not fearful--this new one is good! Abundance, ease of things, a lot easier by Spring. It will validate cherub is an iiot. Set my boundaries--he'll notice, he'll understand before I leave. It's kind of a blessing that I don't want him in my life. Other guy health conscious--sports lover--a good match for me. Business--some sort of manufacturing, he is high up in the company. This could be an August wedding. Marriage ceremony.
Cherub is just not motivated. New guy is much better-nice, easy smile. Cleaner. Suit high up in the company--properness, rules--knows difference between right and wrong. Clear out cherub. Validating my intention.
April--tall, bump into him.
Work--lady has an interest in me--she is looking for work for me. Something comes thru--this is what I have been praying for--restored it will be like second nature. I will be right back there. I'll be leaving sloth, sluggish relationships, patterns from the past. Ex-wife part of the problem--she hangs around him, he's not ofund his courage to move on. Mixed up guy, good guy. I am too tired to hang onto crumbs.
He'll get woken up after I am gone, that is when the shake up happens. He'll notice it in a couple of months. He'll have regrets. He'll notice he's repeating patterns.
I'll get the clarity of getting what I want. External rewards are coming. Been a deep greiving for me, I have suffered. That has been dealt with and now I am healed.
New great guy coming my way. Keep my head up. Keep my chin up. It is coming.New day is dawning. Strong active back--won't pull him around. It's gonna be done, I don't want crumbs.
Barb T.
In general, why did this guy come back into my life? Lonely without me. Does he have the courage to step up to the plate? Missing in him. Somehow he's hoping I don't notice. He missed me for sure. Giving his heart? Wanting me to do a certain dance for him. He takes the lazy road. Sweetness and gentleness come through, taking initiative-investing makes a trigger in things to work thru for him.
I don't like his looks, she asks me. She said he is in poor shape (true). She said I am a very nice person, accepting people as they are. I don't need to be, his look, poor shape. He's too scared, patterns--no change, very nice words. After I am gone from his life: he'll know it, he'll get it-he'll get the lesson. Regret for the rest of his life.
Tall, lots of dark hair, nice guy--good communicator--not fearful--this new one is good! Abundance, ease of things, a lot easier by Spring. It will validate cherub is an iiot. Set my boundaries--he'll notice, he'll understand before I leave. It's kind of a blessing that I don't want him in my life. Other guy health conscious--sports lover--a good match for me. Business--some sort of manufacturing, he is high up in the company. This could be an August wedding. Marriage ceremony.
Cherub is just not motivated. New guy is much better-nice, easy smile. Cleaner. Suit high up in the company--properness, rules--knows difference between right and wrong. Clear out cherub. Validating my intention.
April--tall, bump into him.
Work--lady has an interest in me--she is looking for work for me. Something comes thru--this is what I have been praying for--restored it will be like second nature. I will be right back there. I'll be leaving sloth, sluggish relationships, patterns from the past. Ex-wife part of the problem--she hangs around him, he's not ofund his courage to move on. Mixed up guy, good guy. I am too tired to hang onto crumbs.
He'll get woken up after I am gone, that is when the shake up happens. He'll notice it in a couple of months. He'll have regrets. He'll notice he's repeating patterns.
I'll get the clarity of getting what I want. External rewards are coming. Been a deep greiving for me, I have suffered. That has been dealt with and now I am healed.
New great guy coming my way. Keep my head up. Keep my chin up. It is coming.New day is dawning. Strong active back--won't pull him around. It's gonna be done, I don't want crumbs.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Reading du jour
I find it funny to post these readings. I get readings in a series of three, basically as a way of double-checking that they are all picking up the same information. If psychics could confirm their own vibes they receive about their own lives, it would be so much easier.
But I can't, so an outside source is needed.
Yet, I have gone years without, I guess it is in times when things are so ridiculous, despite my best efforts.
This one that follows is really bizarre, some of it seems spot on and some out there.
Brit:
General vibes:
Feels like there are a couple of issues. Need forward movement-not an immediate crisis. In both work and relationships. Relationship-more deep-seeded, some kind of acceptance of specific person. Me giving up.
Work-pending issue. There is interim of work, change going on. I am at two of wands, the barest beginnings, shows an increase in work. Mid-March work is coming. I've done everything I can to promote myself. Something coming soon, I've done networking, no resolution-thwarted at every turn.
Recent situation with man--they have called the relationship into question. Is there a break? Asking me for more distance. Making some kind of break. It does look like work is coming through. I should be able to stay where I am living at. Things stabilize in March.
Why did he come back? Read by himself-he is off the charts--out of control, a lot of gnarly pain, he is drifting--like he's lost, like a crisis. He in terms of with me is incredibly needy and insecure. Wants something to happen with me. It feels like a retreat (Vacation?), idea of coming to me like a respite from his life. He comes from deep insecurity, he thinks he needs to be healed. He exalts the relationship. He doesn't want to use me. He tries to act the opposite. He wants it to stop--his crap. This is the only person, I can help him or understand him or see thru him. A vicious cycle. I will choose to allow some type of renewal--it shows he does some kind of changing for the better. All three cards state there is more unfoldment going on-emotional renewal. Suggests he makes some improvement--justifiable, I see it. In the middle of a process. Him changing at least satisfied to some point. Heart of the matter--disappointment. Not going to agree on progress. There is significant change.
I will be disappointed--action at first then ?
Does it look like he sticks around? Ultimately yes, but only for 5-6 months. Definite resurgence between us. Current path --he would have clarity and stop in for a recharge and bail in 5-6 months.
There are other men. One a week for the next 5-6 weeks. 2 guys in one week. One who really stands out. Other one who stands out as comfortable and happy, but doesn't hit the notes. Another one is unstable. 3-4 weeks the one to hit the biggest notes may be a bit frustrating. He is good with some issues.
Any relationship? basically looks like I am dating more than one guy at a time. Calling my own terms. One will be a commitment, but not til summer.
But I can't, so an outside source is needed.
Yet, I have gone years without, I guess it is in times when things are so ridiculous, despite my best efforts.
This one that follows is really bizarre, some of it seems spot on and some out there.
Brit:
General vibes:
Feels like there are a couple of issues. Need forward movement-not an immediate crisis. In both work and relationships. Relationship-more deep-seeded, some kind of acceptance of specific person. Me giving up.
Work-pending issue. There is interim of work, change going on. I am at two of wands, the barest beginnings, shows an increase in work. Mid-March work is coming. I've done everything I can to promote myself. Something coming soon, I've done networking, no resolution-thwarted at every turn.
Recent situation with man--they have called the relationship into question. Is there a break? Asking me for more distance. Making some kind of break. It does look like work is coming through. I should be able to stay where I am living at. Things stabilize in March.
Why did he come back? Read by himself-he is off the charts--out of control, a lot of gnarly pain, he is drifting--like he's lost, like a crisis. He in terms of with me is incredibly needy and insecure. Wants something to happen with me. It feels like a retreat (Vacation?), idea of coming to me like a respite from his life. He comes from deep insecurity, he thinks he needs to be healed. He exalts the relationship. He doesn't want to use me. He tries to act the opposite. He wants it to stop--his crap. This is the only person, I can help him or understand him or see thru him. A vicious cycle. I will choose to allow some type of renewal--it shows he does some kind of changing for the better. All three cards state there is more unfoldment going on-emotional renewal. Suggests he makes some improvement--justifiable, I see it. In the middle of a process. Him changing at least satisfied to some point. Heart of the matter--disappointment. Not going to agree on progress. There is significant change.
I will be disappointed--action at first then ?
Does it look like he sticks around? Ultimately yes, but only for 5-6 months. Definite resurgence between us. Current path --he would have clarity and stop in for a recharge and bail in 5-6 months.
There are other men. One a week for the next 5-6 weeks. 2 guys in one week. One who really stands out. Other one who stands out as comfortable and happy, but doesn't hit the notes. Another one is unstable. 3-4 weeks the one to hit the biggest notes may be a bit frustrating. He is good with some issues.
Any relationship? basically looks like I am dating more than one guy at a time. Calling my own terms. One will be a commitment, but not til summer.
Monday, January 19, 2009
MLK Day YAY!
Woke to a text message this morning saying, "I'm cold".
Yup...good ol' cherub at 7 a.m.
Have no idea why...but wrote him back, "I am warm"....
No way am I engaging in any "talk" now. So, as we chatted...I realized I left my fucking keys in my door lock on the outside of my door all night. Crazy shit! Considering, I normally am extra tight on the sphincter with remembering to LOCK everything! I get scared being home alone!
Whatever, so our silly conversation continued...
About an hour and a half later, I heard about 4 different possibilities for me to make some cold hard cash...we'll see if it all pans out.
I texted cherub to tell him of my excitement--never heard back.
Nice, huh? I have better strangers in my life who are far kinder to me. This shit does not go unnoticed.
Yup...good ol' cherub at 7 a.m.
Have no idea why...but wrote him back, "I am warm"....
No way am I engaging in any "talk" now. So, as we chatted...I realized I left my fucking keys in my door lock on the outside of my door all night. Crazy shit! Considering, I normally am extra tight on the sphincter with remembering to LOCK everything! I get scared being home alone!
Whatever, so our silly conversation continued...
About an hour and a half later, I heard about 4 different possibilities for me to make some cold hard cash...we'll see if it all pans out.
I texted cherub to tell him of my excitement--never heard back.
Nice, huh? I have better strangers in my life who are far kinder to me. This shit does not go unnoticed.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Such a breakthrrrrrrrruuuu
Yar man!
I had been cleaning all week-end. The people I gave birth to are away with are away with their Dad for his HUGE ass birthday!
And the exciting person I am, spent most of the week-end cleaning the house. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up, since my kids weren't here.
I had that "ugly" feeling all week-end. i realized it was cherub. I felt like I was starting to be concerned about what he would or would not do....and kept thinking he was such a chicken shit...afterall he had ripped his balls off and stuck them in his sock drawer. And I think at a later date bought them a passport and shipped em' of to another country. He keeps forgetting he's a man, and turns into a eunuch. Sorry, I digress.
I had a major epiphany. I was able to detach and re-focus on myself and what I want, which is a man who according to the characteristics on my list actually puts out effort and shows he wants me...so as I am not left to wonder.
Among other things, I realized I survived the last several months without him and could/would be fine without him. YAY! For me!
I had been cleaning all week-end. The people I gave birth to are away with are away with their Dad for his HUGE ass birthday!
And the exciting person I am, spent most of the week-end cleaning the house. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up, since my kids weren't here.
I had that "ugly" feeling all week-end. i realized it was cherub. I felt like I was starting to be concerned about what he would or would not do....and kept thinking he was such a chicken shit...afterall he had ripped his balls off and stuck them in his sock drawer. And I think at a later date bought them a passport and shipped em' of to another country. He keeps forgetting he's a man, and turns into a eunuch. Sorry, I digress.
I had a major epiphany. I was able to detach and re-focus on myself and what I want, which is a man who according to the characteristics on my list actually puts out effort and shows he wants me...so as I am not left to wonder.
Among other things, I realized I survived the last several months without him and could/would be fine without him. YAY! For me!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Predictions are just like the weather
So...got up early. Since Cherub the crowned clown said he needed to meet at 6 a.m. on account of his having to get out of town today. Around 5:40 a.m., I realized I'd be late. So I sent a text.
No answer.
I waited til 5:55, when I was going to leave my house, I called.
I woke him up.
He had unfortunately, been in the desert the night before--because his Dad went into the hospital--internal fluid leaking...and Cherub didn't get back home until 2 a.m. He had a packed morning and on his way out of town, needed to go back to the desert to the hospital. He said let's make it 8 a.m.
He should have just canceled then as any sane person would have done.
Instead received my trusty text at 7:20ish. Saying he couldn't make it that day.
For whatever reason it felt like I was transported back in time with him. I didn't respond to his message--I wasn't going to, because I had nothing to say. Then about an hour later as I was talking to a friend. It dawned on me to be kind, because it is my "practice" at this point. So, I said, something like--hope your dad gets better, be well!
I wish I knew why he showed back up in my life. I am so honestly and truly wanting a better relationship. One in which I don't have to guess.
I am taking the advice and seeing it thru to its due course....because I never want to repeat this sort of nightmare again.
No answer.
I waited til 5:55, when I was going to leave my house, I called.
I woke him up.
He had unfortunately, been in the desert the night before--because his Dad went into the hospital--internal fluid leaking...and Cherub didn't get back home until 2 a.m. He had a packed morning and on his way out of town, needed to go back to the desert to the hospital. He said let's make it 8 a.m.
He should have just canceled then as any sane person would have done.
Instead received my trusty text at 7:20ish. Saying he couldn't make it that day.
For whatever reason it felt like I was transported back in time with him. I didn't respond to his message--I wasn't going to, because I had nothing to say. Then about an hour later as I was talking to a friend. It dawned on me to be kind, because it is my "practice" at this point. So, I said, something like--hope your dad gets better, be well!
I wish I knew why he showed back up in my life. I am so honestly and truly wanting a better relationship. One in which I don't have to guess.
I am taking the advice and seeing it thru to its due course....because I never want to repeat this sort of nightmare again.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
2nd time
Met the Cherub this morning. One of his clients had not seen in him in awhile and was quite surprised to see how much weight he put on and she made a comment, "you sure gained a lot of weight".
He said to her, "Well round is a shape too". He is quite round....hard to believe in 8 months he put all that weight on...and of course I have my own 10-15 lbs, I gained because of my injury, limiting me to walking instead of running. That has been difficult for me over the past 6 months to purposely change my eating habits...we have been a mirror for each other in a weird way.
He brought up buying me bike shoes again, so I can use one of his bicycles to ride with him. He also had other ideas about starting an exercise group, hiking with me, etc...I'll hold my breath--and probably pass out waiting for that to transpire.
He also asked me again if, I ski. And then said he was renting a private house on a ski slope in another state in which you "ski in and ski out" of privately. He sort of asked me to go in a really lame way. I told him I am not real crazy about being last choice or an afterthought (which I was feeling that I wasn't going to know the truth if he felt that way or was covering it up). His kids probably weren't going as originally planned and his group of guy friends looked like they weren't going either. He thought since I wasn't working maybe I'd want to go. I am only interested in going if someone plans a trip with me in mind....and that my friend, I can wait for...going with some man, somewhere.
I am starting to think the process I have been in to bring the love of my life into "my life" brings everything that I still have to deal with and clear out.
I am thinking he is one of those things, that I shall never repeat.
We are supposed to meet Friday morning early, cuz he has to go out of town for his hobby this week-end. And has all sorts of stuff to do beforehand.
He said to her, "Well round is a shape too". He is quite round....hard to believe in 8 months he put all that weight on...and of course I have my own 10-15 lbs, I gained because of my injury, limiting me to walking instead of running. That has been difficult for me over the past 6 months to purposely change my eating habits...we have been a mirror for each other in a weird way.
He brought up buying me bike shoes again, so I can use one of his bicycles to ride with him. He also had other ideas about starting an exercise group, hiking with me, etc...I'll hold my breath--and probably pass out waiting for that to transpire.
He also asked me again if, I ski. And then said he was renting a private house on a ski slope in another state in which you "ski in and ski out" of privately. He sort of asked me to go in a really lame way. I told him I am not real crazy about being last choice or an afterthought (which I was feeling that I wasn't going to know the truth if he felt that way or was covering it up). His kids probably weren't going as originally planned and his group of guy friends looked like they weren't going either. He thought since I wasn't working maybe I'd want to go. I am only interested in going if someone plans a trip with me in mind....and that my friend, I can wait for...going with some man, somewhere.
I am starting to think the process I have been in to bring the love of my life into "my life" brings everything that I still have to deal with and clear out.
I am thinking he is one of those things, that I shall never repeat.
We are supposed to meet Friday morning early, cuz he has to go out of town for his hobby this week-end. And has all sorts of stuff to do beforehand.
Friday, January 9, 2009
TGIF F-Word
"THERE IS AN UPDATE TO THIS BLOG" please see writing in red.
So, in trying to engage in text message dating. I sent cherub man a text. Told him about my broken ass and going to the chiropractor.
Never heard back from him.
Isn't there a text protocol for being "rude"? Seriously. I am far too old for this shit.
Canceled eHarmony lunch date today. He really didn't do it for me in his pictures, nor his voice. Guess I am getting pickier and am not up for all takers. I have to at LEAST find them attractive, right?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone, I have a deadline to get married this year, hmmmm.
I am going to read from the collection of readings I have picked up over the past year and couple months....because it ought to be amusing to see all the different things psychics tell you.
Most did say cherub man would be coming around again.
I wanted to remark on the things that did come true from this reading, it will be in red.
I don't remember all the dates of the readings....but this one was from a couple of months ago:
"Trip, trip, trip.(I went on a trip in Jan/Feb) Income should be improving.(It did then it sunk) Bliss-not thru work. Keep up the good work. transformation. Passion. Sudden change--Fool card (looking back I went from nothing to something to nothing again in a month). Lovers with bliss and a leap of faith with a bag of knowledge. Someone is really interested in me-he has a really good mind. Somebody I know--look a little closer. Also possibility of someone new. I am not done with cherub man (I wasn't done with cherub, new guy could have been anyone else I have dated too). His friends want us together (That has always been the case). Internet card came up stating my mission online is not complete. (This new biz is all about the internet-right on)
Week of X-Mas receive a message from cherub man (I did). Trip coming up-I'll ask myself if I want to go (I did). A guy that is interested in me will ask me to go (he did). Divine discontent--Universe not unfolding the way I feel it should. Just doesn't feel like it. I will teach Mission not complete. Very bright. Relationship card next to trip card.
Very entertaining guy--he has money and is tall. Radical, powerful changes before the end of the year (Still waiting, altho work could change). Love relationship coming in. Dreams coming true. I am on the right path.Change card: Going from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Cherub man comes up again--big heart, getting lots of libra flow-like energy (maybe cuz we are both Libras?). It makes me feel good. Sun--Universe is supporting me. The cherub pops up--vibe not done with him (I wasn't done). Date with destiny. Connection predestined, yin-yang. Angel Bliss. Angels like this person. Don't limit myself. Marriage card with wheel of fortune came up. Monogamous relationship.Whatever is meant to be will be. He sees me as a star in my own right.He comes up with me needing to give him compassion, healing and not to worry I can do no wrong. SUDDEN CHANGES!(not really)
Welp! Exciting reading, huh? Bev is sweet. So, she was right about the message around X-Mas and that cherub man came back into my life, it wasn't done. Work did sort of pick up a bit--bringing me some money, but not enough to pay my rent for December. He and I meant to be? I wouldn't place any money on that bet. I have a collection of these in which I took notes. The best part is they all conflict....I read somewhere that if you find a psychic who is right about 60% of the time, you have yourself a winner. Can't we do 60% on our own?
So, in trying to engage in text message dating. I sent cherub man a text. Told him about my broken ass and going to the chiropractor.
Never heard back from him.
Isn't there a text protocol for being "rude"? Seriously. I am far too old for this shit.
Canceled eHarmony lunch date today. He really didn't do it for me in his pictures, nor his voice. Guess I am getting pickier and am not up for all takers. I have to at LEAST find them attractive, right?
When the fuck am I going to meet someone, I have a deadline to get married this year, hmmmm.
I am going to read from the collection of readings I have picked up over the past year and couple months....because it ought to be amusing to see all the different things psychics tell you.
Most did say cherub man would be coming around again.
I wanted to remark on the things that did come true from this reading, it will be in red.
I don't remember all the dates of the readings....but this one was from a couple of months ago:
"Trip, trip, trip.(I went on a trip in Jan/Feb) Income should be improving.(It did then it sunk) Bliss-not thru work. Keep up the good work. transformation. Passion. Sudden change--Fool card (looking back I went from nothing to something to nothing again in a month). Lovers with bliss and a leap of faith with a bag of knowledge. Someone is really interested in me-he has a really good mind. Somebody I know--look a little closer. Also possibility of someone new. I am not done with cherub man (I wasn't done with cherub, new guy could have been anyone else I have dated too). His friends want us together (That has always been the case). Internet card came up stating my mission online is not complete. (This new biz is all about the internet-right on)
Week of X-Mas receive a message from cherub man (I did). Trip coming up-I'll ask myself if I want to go (I did). A guy that is interested in me will ask me to go (he did). Divine discontent--Universe not unfolding the way I feel it should. Just doesn't feel like it. I will teach Mission not complete. Very bright. Relationship card next to trip card.
Very entertaining guy--he has money and is tall. Radical, powerful changes before the end of the year (Still waiting, altho work could change). Love relationship coming in. Dreams coming true. I am on the right path.Change card: Going from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Cherub man comes up again--big heart, getting lots of libra flow-like energy (maybe cuz we are both Libras?). It makes me feel good. Sun--Universe is supporting me. The cherub pops up--vibe not done with him (I wasn't done). Date with destiny. Connection predestined, yin-yang. Angel Bliss. Angels like this person. Don't limit myself. Marriage card with wheel of fortune came up. Monogamous relationship.Whatever is meant to be will be. He sees me as a star in my own right.He comes up with me needing to give him compassion, healing and not to worry I can do no wrong. SUDDEN CHANGES!(not really)
Welp! Exciting reading, huh? Bev is sweet. So, she was right about the message around X-Mas and that cherub man came back into my life, it wasn't done. Work did sort of pick up a bit--bringing me some money, but not enough to pay my rent for December. He and I meant to be? I wouldn't place any money on that bet. I have a collection of these in which I took notes. The best part is they all conflict....I read somewhere that if you find a psychic who is right about 60% of the time, you have yourself a winner. Can't we do 60% on our own?
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Thursday
Yeah..heard from let's call him "cherub-man". He sent me a "text" message, his son broke his ankle. Great news, huh?
I asked him how.
He said basketball.
Then I went on an eHarmony date...leaving the conversation right there.
I am finding it tedious with him.
eHarmony date made me realize I can't date men 50 and older. The age difference is not good for me. I need someone who is in my realm--where we can relate to one another and have those commonalities.
This guy found it odd that I like sports and could name the whole Dodger team from the late 1970s. I used to go to the games as a teenager frequently. He hasn't met women who like sports. Trying to figure out how something irrelvant, became relevant.
I am trying to be cool right now, but it is hard. MY LIFE IS SILENT!!!!!!!!
I asked him how.
He said basketball.
Then I went on an eHarmony date...leaving the conversation right there.
I am finding it tedious with him.
eHarmony date made me realize I can't date men 50 and older. The age difference is not good for me. I need someone who is in my realm--where we can relate to one another and have those commonalities.
This guy found it odd that I like sports and could name the whole Dodger team from the late 1970s. I used to go to the games as a teenager frequently. He hasn't met women who like sports. Trying to figure out how something irrelvant, became relevant.
I am trying to be cool right now, but it is hard. MY LIFE IS SILENT!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
A paradox, a metaphor or just crazy?
I was reading something on Facebook, there was "last guy's" first name. I walked with my friend this morning, his car was everywhere. His last name all over the place and the initial of his first name. Later in the day, a vehicle same year, model and color was driving right towards me at full speed.
This is nothing of course, and I can accept that those things could be manufactured by an overactive imagination.
I can't get past the other stuff, which is pounding itself into me. Like, how did I know I would run into him on the days I did? How?
How did he contact me, even when we were dating like he knew I was thinking of "exiting stage left". I can see these things happening once, but several times....hmmm.
I remember one time when I was tired of the situation of push/pull....and he sent me a text one night, all it said was "hi". I just looked at it and rolled over going to sleep. The next morning, I got up to run at a random time. I was thinking, I am over this whole situation with Mr.Indecisive...only to be on a quiet road in which I have never seen him on and have him cross my path...and then spend the day with me--introducing me to his Dad and others. I have a WHOLE box full of those Hallmark moments.
He is connected to me, even when I chopped that fucking umbilical cord a million times and lit it ablaze and sent him off to God/Universe to deal with...in terms of trying to unlock my tortured soul from this predicament.
I remember one time this past Summer walking with "D"; I was telling her I finally felt free of him...totally blissful. About 30 minutes later...here he comes in his vehicle on the other side of the road. He stops traffic and is way overly excited to see me (according to "D", who wasn't sure who he was, what he wanted, but thought he was going to ask me out--cuz he was just like a little kid wanting his favorite candy). I am standoffish and in my head asking the Universe, "WHY"!!!!
It makes me think a larger hand is at work here.
He is definitely a magnet whom I can sense almost all the time.
Even when I have burnt a million candles, not had a conscious thought of him and even had those fleeting moments when I think, "Finally, I am over him." Only to have within seconds a message from him or him crossing my path. It is almost ridiculously comical.
The fates are having their way with me, I have fought it and surrendered, repeated the process and here I am again. He is not a bad guy. He was just a guy who couldn't do a serious relationship months ago. Maybe now he can? I don't know, time will tell.
I started writing this blog tonight, because I was sitting here getting completely weirded out; I have never had so many coincidences with anyone in my life! Ever!
What does it mean? I have no fucking clue. Am I supposed to learn something? And what about the funky ass feeling I have when I date other men. It isn't that I compare him to them. Nor is it that I wish they were him, it is this unmistakable feeling of...I belong with him. Which just pisses me the hell off!
He always said we were just alike, twins. We are only 8 days apart. He was the one who thought we were perfect each other, before I even noticed. I can't help but wonder though, what is the point of having this man show up in my life? Okay, let's say to be with him or to learn something about myself. I am alright with either, but seriously.....I need a clue at this point. Which is it? And then give me another hint, as to either keeping my sanity or some direction on the lesson so I can learn and move on.
People who I start telling these stories to think he must stalk me, but all of it is too random to have been planned out by either of us.
Oh my God, even as I write this, I know I meant to be with him. That is the feeling that comes up from my gut and washes over me. I am thinking of committing myself to an institution at this point. I'll get 3 meals and hopefully a room with a view of a nice pond with ducks.
This is nothing of course, and I can accept that those things could be manufactured by an overactive imagination.
I can't get past the other stuff, which is pounding itself into me. Like, how did I know I would run into him on the days I did? How?
How did he contact me, even when we were dating like he knew I was thinking of "exiting stage left". I can see these things happening once, but several times....hmmm.
I remember one time when I was tired of the situation of push/pull....and he sent me a text one night, all it said was "hi". I just looked at it and rolled over going to sleep. The next morning, I got up to run at a random time. I was thinking, I am over this whole situation with Mr.Indecisive...only to be on a quiet road in which I have never seen him on and have him cross my path...and then spend the day with me--introducing me to his Dad and others. I have a WHOLE box full of those Hallmark moments.
He is connected to me, even when I chopped that fucking umbilical cord a million times and lit it ablaze and sent him off to God/Universe to deal with...in terms of trying to unlock my tortured soul from this predicament.
I remember one time this past Summer walking with "D"; I was telling her I finally felt free of him...totally blissful. About 30 minutes later...here he comes in his vehicle on the other side of the road. He stops traffic and is way overly excited to see me (according to "D", who wasn't sure who he was, what he wanted, but thought he was going to ask me out--cuz he was just like a little kid wanting his favorite candy). I am standoffish and in my head asking the Universe, "WHY"!!!!
It makes me think a larger hand is at work here.
He is definitely a magnet whom I can sense almost all the time.
Even when I have burnt a million candles, not had a conscious thought of him and even had those fleeting moments when I think, "Finally, I am over him." Only to have within seconds a message from him or him crossing my path. It is almost ridiculously comical.
The fates are having their way with me, I have fought it and surrendered, repeated the process and here I am again. He is not a bad guy. He was just a guy who couldn't do a serious relationship months ago. Maybe now he can? I don't know, time will tell.
I started writing this blog tonight, because I was sitting here getting completely weirded out; I have never had so many coincidences with anyone in my life! Ever!
What does it mean? I have no fucking clue. Am I supposed to learn something? And what about the funky ass feeling I have when I date other men. It isn't that I compare him to them. Nor is it that I wish they were him, it is this unmistakable feeling of...I belong with him. Which just pisses me the hell off!
He always said we were just alike, twins. We are only 8 days apart. He was the one who thought we were perfect each other, before I even noticed. I can't help but wonder though, what is the point of having this man show up in my life? Okay, let's say to be with him or to learn something about myself. I am alright with either, but seriously.....I need a clue at this point. Which is it? And then give me another hint, as to either keeping my sanity or some direction on the lesson so I can learn and move on.
People who I start telling these stories to think he must stalk me, but all of it is too random to have been planned out by either of us.
Oh my God, even as I write this, I know I meant to be with him. That is the feeling that comes up from my gut and washes over me. I am thinking of committing myself to an institution at this point. I'll get 3 meals and hopefully a room with a view of a nice pond with ducks.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Crying for it all!
Today was what I like to refer to as challenging. Yesterday was challenging too. I hit a roadblock this morning. I woke up almost in a panic, car payment extension due today and there was no way I had the money.
My bank called asking me for 75.00 to cover my account. I had nowhere to go with it.Who? Where? How to find money and then what about all of the other bills coming in the rest of the week? Oy vey!!!!
All of my asking for money and love, love and money, work, work, work. And I was coming up empty. This sucked. I started to roll downhill, picking up momentum. I crashed at the bottom; I pretty much spent my day as a sobbing mess.
In between, I had a coffee date with one of the guys from eHarmony. That was rather boring and it could've been my mood or my preconceived notion that this guy was not someone who I wanted to date, because of a couple of comments he made in his original messages to me. I was trying to be fair, but today was the wrong day for being a referee.
At one point in the day, the only person I could think of to help me was my ex-husband. He is doing well financially. So, I sent him a quick email. Went to bed drowning in my tears. My son came into ask me something and he asked what was wrong, "I am depressed", I grumbled.
I then decided I would get up and try to run. I was putting my shoes on and crying, explaining to my older two children, this is rock bottom of unemployment. This is it! I have no resources, my interview yesterday sucked ass and therefore I am back to square one. My son was so sweet, he is such a kind soul. My daughter was quiet, but she is not good with expressing her emotions or dealing with others' emotions.
I received a phone message from an old employee today too. Plus found out my old company is shutting down. All of my old comrades are unemployed too. Unbelievable--of course that made me cry too.
My running since Friday has hardly improved. I still feel worn out by about halfway through. I cried all the way to the Rose Bowl. And kept it together during my run. On the way back, I pulled over and sent my ex an email telling him to forget my earlier email. Told him I was just stressed out and to not worry.
I spent the latter half of the day screaming at the Universe, "Why can't you work with me? What am I missing? What more can I do? Turn into a fucking pretzel? I am never going to be perfect! And I don't want to be! I have worked so hard on myself and been asking, holding the high watch, ripping the negative roots out and replacing it all with positive thoughts/words!!! I am done working on myself--it is over! No more!"
Drove my raggedy ass home and went back to bed. Started looking up info on soulmates and twin flames.Nice distraction, since I have this overwhelming pull to the "guy". He is a magnet like none other. And I thought, why is it every time I am over it, he either crosses my path or contacts me? Every time! It is like a constant cycle of getting over him and being okay; then getting over him and being okay. I think after writing these words. I am going to be okay; no matter what. No more trying to get over him or trying to do anything. I am just going to be. I can't fight it anymore. So, Universe, I am here....BRING IT ON!!!!!!
If he is my lifemate...then let him show up as my lifemate! If someone else is then bring him on in!!!! I AM READY!!!!!!!
So, other guy just called from eHarmony...too many to name. He has a shaved head. We are going to lunch Friday. He is entertaining with an accent.I am sure I will enjoy our time together.
Another eHarmony guy has an 11 o'clock coffee with me tomorrow. Another one on Thursday afternoon and then two who are supposed to call to arrange something. I am ready for a relationship, let's hope one of them is it!
Didn't hear from "last guy" today. Doesn't matter "why", anymore. I'll hear from him, when I hear from him. I am not slamming shut or going to get upset at this point (it could change later on), but even though he laid people off yesterday, it shouldn't preclude him from contacting me.
So, my two older children came in awhile ago, after being gone for the remainder of the afternoon. They were smiling ear to ear and telling me they wanted to bring me flowers, but got so busy running around--they forgot. I am in tears, cuz I am just fucking retarded today. And they hand me a check from their Dad. It is the remainder of the child support he owes me until my 17 year old turns 18 later on this year. Wow! That helps me for the next two months.
So, I finally stopped crying.
And then my old therapist calls me. She was on my mind today too. I had told her about my wanting to coach people and had also emailed for her insight on Psychology programs for my graduate degree. She was calling because she actually had someone to refer to me....the first session free and then, I charge for the rest. Hopefully, I will hear from this referral.
And it is funny the timing, because I was just talking to my son about my disappointment in the school I was looking to attend only having research degrees in psychology, so lo and behold, her call was perfect timing.
I am grateful and wish I had not lost my mind today. The Universe came thru for me.
I said the words before closing my eyes last night: I am a love and money magnet, I am a love and money magnet. I attract love and money like a magnet!
I received lots of love from my family, men who want to know me and money to get me thru the next couple of months. Now, I need to build upon this quickly. I am going to start marketing my coaching to people, a.s.a.p.
Thank you God and the Universe.....all of my thoughts for the Law of Attraction are coming to me as fulfilled wishes. Someone told me the other day, "Imagine yourself making your car payment--always see yourself doing the end result." she said. She was fucking right!!!I did it tonight--the last day I could before I was in deep trouble.
This has been a day of synchronicity. Unexpected, but true. I will be married this year!!!!! YES!!!!
My bank called asking me for 75.00 to cover my account. I had nowhere to go with it.Who? Where? How to find money and then what about all of the other bills coming in the rest of the week? Oy vey!!!!
All of my asking for money and love, love and money, work, work, work. And I was coming up empty. This sucked. I started to roll downhill, picking up momentum. I crashed at the bottom; I pretty much spent my day as a sobbing mess.
In between, I had a coffee date with one of the guys from eHarmony. That was rather boring and it could've been my mood or my preconceived notion that this guy was not someone who I wanted to date, because of a couple of comments he made in his original messages to me. I was trying to be fair, but today was the wrong day for being a referee.
At one point in the day, the only person I could think of to help me was my ex-husband. He is doing well financially. So, I sent him a quick email. Went to bed drowning in my tears. My son came into ask me something and he asked what was wrong, "I am depressed", I grumbled.
I then decided I would get up and try to run. I was putting my shoes on and crying, explaining to my older two children, this is rock bottom of unemployment. This is it! I have no resources, my interview yesterday sucked ass and therefore I am back to square one. My son was so sweet, he is such a kind soul. My daughter was quiet, but she is not good with expressing her emotions or dealing with others' emotions.
I received a phone message from an old employee today too. Plus found out my old company is shutting down. All of my old comrades are unemployed too. Unbelievable--of course that made me cry too.
My running since Friday has hardly improved. I still feel worn out by about halfway through. I cried all the way to the Rose Bowl. And kept it together during my run. On the way back, I pulled over and sent my ex an email telling him to forget my earlier email. Told him I was just stressed out and to not worry.
I spent the latter half of the day screaming at the Universe, "Why can't you work with me? What am I missing? What more can I do? Turn into a fucking pretzel? I am never going to be perfect! And I don't want to be! I have worked so hard on myself and been asking, holding the high watch, ripping the negative roots out and replacing it all with positive thoughts/words!!! I am done working on myself--it is over! No more!"
Drove my raggedy ass home and went back to bed. Started looking up info on soulmates and twin flames.Nice distraction, since I have this overwhelming pull to the "guy". He is a magnet like none other. And I thought, why is it every time I am over it, he either crosses my path or contacts me? Every time! It is like a constant cycle of getting over him and being okay; then getting over him and being okay. I think after writing these words. I am going to be okay; no matter what. No more trying to get over him or trying to do anything. I am just going to be. I can't fight it anymore. So, Universe, I am here....BRING IT ON!!!!!!
If he is my lifemate...then let him show up as my lifemate! If someone else is then bring him on in!!!! I AM READY!!!!!!!
So, other guy just called from eHarmony...too many to name. He has a shaved head. We are going to lunch Friday. He is entertaining with an accent.I am sure I will enjoy our time together.
Another eHarmony guy has an 11 o'clock coffee with me tomorrow. Another one on Thursday afternoon and then two who are supposed to call to arrange something. I am ready for a relationship, let's hope one of them is it!
Didn't hear from "last guy" today. Doesn't matter "why", anymore. I'll hear from him, when I hear from him. I am not slamming shut or going to get upset at this point (it could change later on), but even though he laid people off yesterday, it shouldn't preclude him from contacting me.
So, my two older children came in awhile ago, after being gone for the remainder of the afternoon. They were smiling ear to ear and telling me they wanted to bring me flowers, but got so busy running around--they forgot. I am in tears, cuz I am just fucking retarded today. And they hand me a check from their Dad. It is the remainder of the child support he owes me until my 17 year old turns 18 later on this year. Wow! That helps me for the next two months.
So, I finally stopped crying.
And then my old therapist calls me. She was on my mind today too. I had told her about my wanting to coach people and had also emailed for her insight on Psychology programs for my graduate degree. She was calling because she actually had someone to refer to me....the first session free and then, I charge for the rest. Hopefully, I will hear from this referral.
And it is funny the timing, because I was just talking to my son about my disappointment in the school I was looking to attend only having research degrees in psychology, so lo and behold, her call was perfect timing.
I am grateful and wish I had not lost my mind today. The Universe came thru for me.
I said the words before closing my eyes last night: I am a love and money magnet, I am a love and money magnet. I attract love and money like a magnet!
I received lots of love from my family, men who want to know me and money to get me thru the next couple of months. Now, I need to build upon this quickly. I am going to start marketing my coaching to people, a.s.a.p.
Thank you God and the Universe.....all of my thoughts for the Law of Attraction are coming to me as fulfilled wishes. Someone told me the other day, "Imagine yourself making your car payment--always see yourself doing the end result." she said. She was fucking right!!!I did it tonight--the last day I could before I was in deep trouble.
This has been a day of synchronicity. Unexpected, but true. I will be married this year!!!!! YES!!!!
Monday, January 5, 2009
Rough and Tumble
What a fucking dumbass thing to do!
How is it that I tempt fate every time I am bold enough to actually believe I can send platitudes to people telling them to "Enjoy the day! It's going to be awesome!" and get smacked upside the noggin!
I woke to an email from the local eHarmony guy that I had exchanged several emails with, who had said he would call the week-end after Christmas, only to have never heard from him again. I thought, "Hmmm...what does he have to say for himself?"
First smackdown of the day, "I met someone else through eHarmony, gee...I guess they are right, it does work!" I started to analyze, "I know he didn't meet someone new, bet he got back together with his ex-girlfriend." Followed by, "How come he didn't want to meet me?"...followed by my voice saying out loud, "STOP!" Seriously, stop.
Who gives a shit what he found or didn't find, tripped over, fell into, blah, blah, blah! It doesn't matter, thank God he rejected you now rather than later. And of course, I had to eat it on those words, cuz I had told a friend of mine the day before those same words. OH UGH!
Great way to start the day!
So, then I got nervous, oh shit, what does this mean for the rest of the day? I should've known.
Had a collegeboard exam, I didn't study enough for (they recommend 125 hours of study--I spent 6 hours)....alas, I failed.
I AM BROKE AND VISUALIZING having money for my car payment tomorrow. You can hear a pin drop. Nothing....at all.
I got an email from junior who I dated this past Summer. I need to respond and be HONEST. My new fave past-time, honesty with men, woohoo!
Heard from the University I want to attend, suckage! They only have research degrees, no clinical or counseling degrees.
I sent "last guy" a text, wishing him a great day and thanking him, because of the following facts that I came to last night all by myself:
I am glad I sent the text, even hours later. Because whomever is the lucky guy to get me, is going to be treated well...and I know I will be treated the same in return. No regrets, I am growing.
It seems like every man except the married ones I dated, have been contacting me in the past few days. Marriage here I come!
How is it that I tempt fate every time I am bold enough to actually believe I can send platitudes to people telling them to "Enjoy the day! It's going to be awesome!" and get smacked upside the noggin!
I woke to an email from the local eHarmony guy that I had exchanged several emails with, who had said he would call the week-end after Christmas, only to have never heard from him again. I thought, "Hmmm...what does he have to say for himself?"
First smackdown of the day, "I met someone else through eHarmony, gee...I guess they are right, it does work!" I started to analyze, "I know he didn't meet someone new, bet he got back together with his ex-girlfriend." Followed by, "How come he didn't want to meet me?"...followed by my voice saying out loud, "STOP!" Seriously, stop.
Who gives a shit what he found or didn't find, tripped over, fell into, blah, blah, blah! It doesn't matter, thank God he rejected you now rather than later. And of course, I had to eat it on those words, cuz I had told a friend of mine the day before those same words. OH UGH!
Great way to start the day!
So, then I got nervous, oh shit, what does this mean for the rest of the day? I should've known.
Had a collegeboard exam, I didn't study enough for (they recommend 125 hours of study--I spent 6 hours)....alas, I failed.
I AM BROKE AND VISUALIZING having money for my car payment tomorrow. You can hear a pin drop. Nothing....at all.
I got an email from junior who I dated this past Summer. I need to respond and be HONEST. My new fave past-time, honesty with men, woohoo!
Heard from the University I want to attend, suckage! They only have research degrees, no clinical or counseling degrees.
I sent "last guy" a text, wishing him a great day and thanking him, because of the following facts that I came to last night all by myself:
1. He did me a favor by not moving forth months ago; I have grown so much more than I could or would have in any other way.
2. I know what I want and what I don't want in my life; in both career and love. If he would have been in the picture I would not have explored and done so much soul searching.
3. I realized last night, that in the past couple of days since he has contacted me, I was being sort of bitchy--like he owed me something! He doesn't owe me anything. We had that conversation months ago and I forgave him for my sake, but I wasn't acting like it.
4. Another light bulb moment: I need to treat him how I want to be treated; therefore, my text this morning had no manipulation, no emotional b.s., just a couple warm sentences to start his day, which he thanked me and told me he has to lay off 10 people today. (errrr…interesting timing, eh?)
5. I'm partially in my prison, trying to protect myself and keep some form of a wall up, although I say I am not. I have boundaries, NOT WALLS.
Cuz no matter who it is that I'm with, I want a completely different experience than I've had in the past. And thus, the walls need to go, operating in a self-punishing way and punishing others, had to go!
Boundaries, openness, giving/receiving are where I am trying to be as you all know....and I am scared, but more willful to see my life be what I want.
Boundaries, openness, giving/receiving are where I am trying to be as you all know....and I am scared, but more willful to see my life be what I want.
I am glad I sent the text, even hours later. Because whomever is the lucky guy to get me, is going to be treated well...and I know I will be treated the same in return. No regrets, I am growing.
It seems like every man except the married ones I dated, have been contacting me in the past few days. Marriage here I come!
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Sun DAY fun DAY
Huh....strange day yesterday was indeed!
Today.
Talked to a friend of mine this morning, forgot her code name for the blog....I think I call her "D". As I talked, I noticed I had a text, from, last guy. Giving me the low down on how he spent the rest of his evening and saying "Good morning".
I am perplexed still...and not sure how to respond anymore. It has knocked me off balance, because as USUAL. I had written him off. And BOOM, there he is.
I ended up getting a call from the guy who works at the Echo Park wine bar from New Years Eve, that I gave in my number to in a drunken state...although, I still do not think I was that far gone.
In between cleaning and studying for my test...I had another call from a guy from eHarmony. Let's call him "M". He explained he had a great marriage. He then said he was widower. I said, "I am sorry to hear that" and asked, "How long ago did she die?" He said, "Four months ago."
WHAT? RUT ROH!
And you are ready for a relationship? (I don't think so) He tried to talk me into at least meeting him, I said "No, I am not prepared to walk into a situation with kids whose mother died 4 months ago." Not to mention....if he had a great marriage, wouldn't he need more time to mourn?
He then said, she died of liver disease. She was an alcoholic. She knew she was sick, but refused to go to the hospital. And I am thinking, how happy was your life together?
I am not able to give myself to a situation such as this and I wish him a lot of luck in finding a mate at this time. I was also glad, I was able to be honest. He actually thanked me for it.
That was interesting and sad.
So, I watch Under the Tuscan Sun again. My daughters think I have lost it and I don't care. I know a man will come pick a lady bug off of me while I sleep too.
Today.
Talked to a friend of mine this morning, forgot her code name for the blog....I think I call her "D". As I talked, I noticed I had a text, from, last guy. Giving me the low down on how he spent the rest of his evening and saying "Good morning".
I am perplexed still...and not sure how to respond anymore. It has knocked me off balance, because as USUAL. I had written him off. And BOOM, there he is.
I ended up getting a call from the guy who works at the Echo Park wine bar from New Years Eve, that I gave in my number to in a drunken state...although, I still do not think I was that far gone.
In between cleaning and studying for my test...I had another call from a guy from eHarmony. Let's call him "M". He explained he had a great marriage. He then said he was widower. I said, "I am sorry to hear that" and asked, "How long ago did she die?" He said, "Four months ago."
WHAT? RUT ROH!
And you are ready for a relationship? (I don't think so) He tried to talk me into at least meeting him, I said "No, I am not prepared to walk into a situation with kids whose mother died 4 months ago." Not to mention....if he had a great marriage, wouldn't he need more time to mourn?
He then said, she died of liver disease. She was an alcoholic. She knew she was sick, but refused to go to the hospital. And I am thinking, how happy was your life together?
I am not able to give myself to a situation such as this and I wish him a lot of luck in finding a mate at this time. I was also glad, I was able to be honest. He actually thanked me for it.
That was interesting and sad.
So, I watch Under the Tuscan Sun again. My daughters think I have lost it and I don't care. I know a man will come pick a lady bug off of me while I sleep too.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Wonders never cease
Soooo...woke up and created the PowerPoint for my client. They both loved it and are very happy!
Decided I was meeting friends later in the day. Today I think I could actually drink again after New Years.
Went to the grocery store talking to my friend who is now, also on eHarmony. She went out on a first date with a guy the night before and was just on her way home at 1 p.m. the next day, yup... that is what I call a long first date!
As I walk thru the store, I notice I have a text message on my phone. WTF?????? It is the "last guy"! Huh?
He is telling me his plans for the evening, sort of like what he sent me on New Years. And now he is asking how I am. Okay....so bizarre.
And then we get into a two hour long text session, basically nothing in depth. Mostly about, him needing to lose 30 lbs (Has he just been eating the past few months?) and my being a good trainer for him....and me insulting him(with kindness) and me, still not comprehending that he is talking to me as though we never lost touch.
He then says, "Let's get together next week." I take some time to answer and say, "It depends on the day." He asked another question and we didn't revisit the "let's get together" statement.
As I was standing in line, in between texts, a man comes up from behind who is of about 80 years of age. He is looking in my cart and telling me I have such healthy food. We chat a bit. He asks if I am a local girl, I said for the most part. He says, "I was your Congressman for this area for 20 years! And I was always honest, never spoke poorly of my political opponents and never lost an election." I said, "Well that is great to hear!" He said, "I retired, because my wife wanted me home." And then I looked up four carts to the front to see her waving at him to come with her. We smiled and said good bye. That was soooooooo random! Why he chose my cart and me, I have no idea.
I get home and my middle daughter had stayed home, while her siblings went with their dad to his new vacation home in the nearby mountains. She is sick and been taking her temperature for the past several hours on an hourly basis. Her temp is about 101. I keep asking her if she wants to go to Urgent Care. She keeps putting it off.
I get ready to go out with m friends. I ask her temp, she says: 103. I tell her to get in the car "pronto"! So, we were there for a few hours, long story short, she has strep throat! Good times!
I take her home, she feels immensely better after one dose of antibiotics at the urgent care.
I go out and am with my friends. Had fun, now it is time for bed.
Decided I was meeting friends later in the day. Today I think I could actually drink again after New Years.
Went to the grocery store talking to my friend who is now, also on eHarmony. She went out on a first date with a guy the night before and was just on her way home at 1 p.m. the next day, yup... that is what I call a long first date!
As I walk thru the store, I notice I have a text message on my phone. WTF?????? It is the "last guy"! Huh?
He is telling me his plans for the evening, sort of like what he sent me on New Years. And now he is asking how I am. Okay....so bizarre.
And then we get into a two hour long text session, basically nothing in depth. Mostly about, him needing to lose 30 lbs (Has he just been eating the past few months?) and my being a good trainer for him....and me insulting him(with kindness) and me, still not comprehending that he is talking to me as though we never lost touch.
He then says, "Let's get together next week." I take some time to answer and say, "It depends on the day." He asked another question and we didn't revisit the "let's get together" statement.
As I was standing in line, in between texts, a man comes up from behind who is of about 80 years of age. He is looking in my cart and telling me I have such healthy food. We chat a bit. He asks if I am a local girl, I said for the most part. He says, "I was your Congressman for this area for 20 years! And I was always honest, never spoke poorly of my political opponents and never lost an election." I said, "Well that is great to hear!" He said, "I retired, because my wife wanted me home." And then I looked up four carts to the front to see her waving at him to come with her. We smiled and said good bye. That was soooooooo random! Why he chose my cart and me, I have no idea.
I get home and my middle daughter had stayed home, while her siblings went with their dad to his new vacation home in the nearby mountains. She is sick and been taking her temperature for the past several hours on an hourly basis. Her temp is about 101. I keep asking her if she wants to go to Urgent Care. She keeps putting it off.
I get ready to go out with m friends. I ask her temp, she says: 103. I tell her to get in the car "pronto"! So, we were there for a few hours, long story short, she has strep throat! Good times!
I take her home, she feels immensely better after one dose of antibiotics at the urgent care.
I go out and am with my friends. Had fun, now it is time for bed.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
