Crying for it all!

Today was what I like to refer to as challenging. Yesterday was challenging too. I hit a roadblock this morning. I woke up almost in a panic, car payment extension due today and there was no way I had the money.

My bank called asking me for 75.00 to cover my account. I had nowhere to go with it.Who? Where? How to find money and then what about all of the other bills coming in the rest of the week? Oy vey!!!!

All of my asking for money and love, love and money, work, work, work. And I was coming up empty. This sucked. I started to roll downhill, picking up momentum. I crashed at the bottom; I pretty much spent my day as a sobbing mess.

In between, I had a coffee date with one of the guys from eHarmony. That was rather boring and it could've been my mood or my preconceived notion that this guy was not someone who I wanted to date, because of a couple of comments he made in his original messages to me. I was trying to be fair, but today was the wrong day for being a referee.

At one point in the day, the only person I could think of to help me was my ex-husband. He is doing well financially. So, I sent him a quick email. Went to bed drowning in my tears. My son came into ask me something and he asked what was wrong, "I am depressed", I grumbled.

I then decided I would get up and try to run. I was putting my shoes on and crying, explaining to my older two children, this is rock bottom of unemployment. This is it! I have no resources, my interview yesterday sucked ass and therefore I am back to square one. My son was so sweet, he is such a kind soul. My daughter was quiet, but she is not good with expressing her emotions or dealing with others' emotions.

I received a phone message from an old employee today too. Plus found out my old company is shutting down. All of my old comrades are unemployed too. Unbelievable--of course that made me cry too.

My running since Friday has hardly improved. I still feel worn out by about halfway through. I cried all the way to the Rose Bowl. And kept it together during my run. On the way back, I pulled over and sent my ex an email telling him to forget my earlier email. Told him I was just stressed out and to not worry.

I spent the latter half of the day screaming at the Universe, "Why can't you work with me? What am I missing? What more can I do? Turn into a fucking pretzel? I am never going to be perfect! And I don't want to be! I have worked so hard on myself and been asking, holding the high watch, ripping the negative roots out and replacing it all with positive thoughts/words!!! I am done working on myself--it is over! No more!"

Drove my raggedy ass home and went back to bed. Started looking up info on soulmates and twin flames.Nice distraction, since I have this overwhelming pull to the "guy". He is a magnet like none other. And I thought, why is it every time I am over it, he either crosses my path or contacts me? Every time! It is like a constant cycle of getting over him and being okay; then getting over him and being okay. I think after writing these words. I am going to be okay; no matter what. No more trying to get over him or trying to do anything. I am just going to be. I can't fight it anymore. So, Universe, I am here....BRING IT ON!!!!!!

If he is my lifemate...then let him show up as my lifemate! If someone else is then bring him on in!!!! I AM READY!!!!!!!

So, other guy just called from eHarmony...too many to name. He has a shaved head. We are going to lunch Friday. He is entertaining with an accent.I am sure I will enjoy our time together.

Another eHarmony guy has an 11 o'clock coffee with me tomorrow. Another one on Thursday afternoon and then two who are supposed to call to arrange something. I am ready for a relationship, let's hope one of them is it!

Didn't hear from "last guy" today. Doesn't matter "why", anymore. I'll hear from him, when I hear from him. I am not slamming shut or going to get upset at this point (it could change later on), but even though he laid people off yesterday, it shouldn't preclude him from contacting me.

So, my two older children came in awhile ago, after being gone for the remainder of the afternoon. They were smiling ear to ear and telling me they wanted to bring me flowers, but got so busy running around--they forgot. I am in tears, cuz I am just fucking retarded today. And they hand me a check from their Dad. It is the remainder of the child support he owes me until my 17 year old turns 18 later on this year. Wow! That helps me for the next two months.

So, I finally stopped crying.

And then my old therapist calls me. She was on my mind today too. I had told her about my wanting to coach people and had also emailed for her insight on Psychology programs for my graduate degree. She was calling because she actually had someone to refer to me....the first session free and then, I charge for the rest. Hopefully, I will hear from this referral.

And it is funny the timing, because I was just talking to my son about my disappointment in the school I was looking to attend only having research degrees in psychology, so lo and behold, her call was perfect timing.

I am grateful and wish I had not lost my mind today. The Universe came thru for me.

I said the words before closing my eyes last night: I am a love and money magnet, I am a love and money magnet. I attract love and money like a magnet!

I received lots of love from my family, men who want to know me and money to get me thru the next couple of months. Now, I need to build upon this quickly. I am going to start marketing my coaching to people, a.s.a.p.

Thank you God and the Universe.....all of my thoughts for the Law of Attraction are coming to me as fulfilled wishes. Someone told me the other day, "Imagine yourself making your car payment--always see yourself doing the end result." she said. She was fucking right!!!I did it tonight--the last day I could before I was in deep trouble.

This has been a day of synchronicity. Unexpected, but true. I will be married this year!!!!! YES!!!!