Rough and Tumble

What a fucking dumbass thing to do!

How is it that I tempt fate every time I am bold enough to actually believe I can send platitudes to people telling them to "Enjoy the day! It's going to be awesome!" and get smacked upside the noggin!

I woke to an email from the local eHarmony guy that I had exchanged several emails with, who had said he would call the week-end after Christmas, only to have never heard from him again. I thought, "Hmmm...what does he have to say for himself?"

First smackdown of the day, "I met someone else through eHarmony, gee...I guess they are right, it does work!" I started to analyze, "I know he didn't meet someone new, bet he got back together with his ex-girlfriend." Followed by, "How come he didn't want to meet me?"...followed by my voice saying out loud, "STOP!" Seriously, stop.

Who gives a shit what he found or didn't find, tripped over, fell into, blah, blah, blah! It doesn't matter, thank God he rejected you now rather than later. And of course, I had to eat it on those words, cuz I had told a friend of mine the day before those same words. OH UGH!

Great way to start the day!

So, then I got nervous, oh shit, what does this mean for the rest of the day? I should've known.

Had a collegeboard exam, I didn't study enough for (they recommend 125 hours of study--I spent 6 hours)....alas, I failed.

I AM BROKE AND VISUALIZING having money for my car payment tomorrow. You can hear a pin drop. Nothing....at all.

I got an email from junior who I dated this past Summer. I need to respond and be HONEST. My new fave past-time, honesty with men, woohoo!

Heard from the University I want to attend, suckage! They only have research degrees, no clinical or counseling degrees.

I sent "last guy" a text, wishing him a great day and thanking him, because of the following facts that I came to last night all by myself:

1. He did me a favor by not moving forth months ago; I have grown so much more than I could or would have in any other way.

2. I know what I want and what I don't want in my life; in both career and love. If he would have been in the picture I would not have explored and done so much soul searching.

3. I realized last night, that in the past couple of days since he has contacted me, I was being sort of bitchy--like he owed me something! He doesn't owe me anything. We had that conversation months ago and I forgave him for my sake, but I wasn't acting like it.

4. Another light bulb moment: I need to treat him how I want to be treated; therefore, my text this morning had no manipulation, no emotional b.s., just a couple warm sentences to start his day, which he thanked me and told me he has to lay off 10 people today. (errrr…interesting timing, eh?)

5. I'm partially in my prison, trying to protect myself and keep some form of a wall up, although I say I am not. I have boundaries, NOT WALLS.

Cuz no matter who it is that I'm with, I want a completely different experience than I've had in the past. And thus, the walls need to go, operating in a self-punishing way and punishing others, had to go!

Boundaries, openness, giving/receiving are where I am trying to be as you all know....and I am scared, but more willful to see my life be what I want.

I am glad I sent the text, even hours later. Because whomever is the lucky guy to get me, is going to be treated well...and I know I will be treated the same in return. No regrets, I am growing.

It seems like every man except the married ones I dated, have been contacting me in the past few days. Marriage here I come!