pity party redux

yup....

still pitying thyself.

actually, i am really trying to not let much distract me from my "pity". i have allowed myself for a good portion of time to do what was recommended over the past year: get out with friends, do things, exercise...and have a life.

in spite of my unemployment status and the ridiculous sightings of the village idiot....and being broke and the sounds of silence on certain days....i have coped well. my psychic vibes have proven to be right for the most part, and hence i consult other psychics to confirm or disprove.

okay--so i stated all that to actually say, i want to process anything and everything i have not, the heavy or light weight depending on the day that i carry of emotional baggage. the stuff i think i clear out and then don't ....or find it lingering in a weird way.

i turned down all social invitations this week-end to just focus on me. to have no obligations, so i could cry or scream.....read stuff to allow me to wallow--so the emotions bubble up to the surface.

thus far it has peaks and valleys. i feel like i am over the village idiot and then i am not. BUT, here is the thing. i get sad when i think of the trip that i took with him a few weeks ago, i get angry when i think "why" did you come back in my life? are you really that selfish? "yes" would be the correct answer. i think of his cruel words to me, which contradicted everything he'd told me up to that point in the past and present. i touch on the dream or fantasy or delusion that he was the one i was going to marry.

it was all wrong. so, i keep hoping every time i feel shitty about one of those things that next time it will be less pain...for the most part it is less pain.

and the conclusion of him no matter what pain i am in and no matter how much my ego would love the gratification and no matter what that weak part of myself who believes in happy endings would want....I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. HE IS NEVER ALLOWED BACK IN MY LIFE.

Simply because I never want to entertain this sort of pain again. i understand love is a risk, but i don't see myself with someone who turns out to be commitment phobic, cuz i know what to look for....someone who is emotionally unavailable will be kicked to the curb promptly like "A" last week. This is not worth it and with him, the trust is gone....i could never believe this village idiot or maybe town crier is a more fitting name, would not put his tail between his legs and run again. frankly it is toooooo much for me to endure.

Thankfully the anger is fleeting, although i still feel no remorse for what i said...and his reaction showed me that women have said these things to him before. it is too bad, but he is conditioned to it....and to allow him any space or latitude is to invite in a "cancer".

my living conditions make me want to scream as i try to figure my next move and therefore i am stuck...in hell.....still.

no resolution, i hope by tomorrow night i am at peace and acceptance with how horrible my circumstances truly are!

chances

not that it will or won't happen, not that it matters. in my focus to throw a pity party today, i also invested time in a depressing forum...loveshack.org

soooooooooooooooooooooooooo depressing. can i get my bf or gf back? is he coming back? i have cheated on this person and now i realize it was the biggest mistake of my life, help!

my thoughts are "Hmmmmm, so not interested in figuring out how to win someone back who doesn't give a shit." my bigger concern is am i capable of meeting someone who i can have a good relationship with, someone who is emotionally available? that is more of my issue.

healing my heart is why i looked on here...looking for new ways of releasing the pain. i know he is not coming back and frankly i have to say, would i want him or would it be ego gratification? cuz i could never trust someone like that to be stable and offer me a real chance at anything.

i am really negative today.

tomorrow

so i made my pact.

i have had the strangest feeling come over me. if it lasts i will write it tomorrow.

if not, then i am sticking to plan "a", submersion in my pity party! complete with sheets over my head and sobbing....sleeping....and just breathing.

and if the feeling lasts.....then i am moving on, then my emotions are finally at the stage of "enough", tomorrow will tell.

p.s.

tomorrow will be a first in my life.

i am not answering the phone.

i am staying in bed all day.

i have no answers and "little" table scraps have no affect...they are a tease and nothing concrete.

my pulse is flat, am i dead? i must be in hell then...huh?

shoot me...i am dead ..... inside

so i am having a funeral for my "internal"...since apparently there has already been a funeral for any life i had as i knew t or hoped it to be....

seems like i was late to the party (what party? the one in which everyone went home with a prize) and all the cake was eaten.....the carrot sticks were all that was left with no ranch, hmmm....i'll pass.

nothing is improving. seemed liked this biz may have had potential, but it is a slow start...and one in which i have no money. i have keep giving it up and back to the universe. because i have reached a point where i don't know.

i know nothing.

i am moving for the 6th time in 13 years....i have no money. no real job. no home. no mate. no....and i think abundantly, i made space for the abundance....i mean really working on it for a year--breaking my ass and re-breaking it until i felt like i had a grasp on my shit.

only to realize...the amount of peace and clarity i have does nothing to further my life in a positive direction. nothing.

i have become nothing.

don't know the instruction manual to become something.

light the candles of intention

here is what i sent off late last week with a few candles to the universe.

i don't remember ever having lit so many candles and praying as much as i have in this past year...and quite literally in the last month.

February...started with a trip, a breaking off for good with someone I thought would be in my future, achievement of reaching less than zero in my bank account for more days this month than not, being evicted in 6 weeks...and not having steady work--its been a good month.

i have a project i have started with no final settlement on money as of yet, but being in a place of nothing, you come to the conclusion that you are only going to be offered table scraps and take what you can get...i have held out for so long for abundance...i thought in terms of things would come together, because i was allowing it...i was planting seeds, networking, dating...smiling and saying "hi" to most people i meet or see on the street.

only to come up with nothing. z-i-p

so, in those moments of realization, you sometimes think, well maybe the universe doesn't quite hear me...doesn't get my goals or beliefs or wants or needs. and you think ....maybe i'll ask in a way that really, really puts the torch behind the thought.

not sure if it helps or does nothing (thus far--nothing)....plus this one is different than other ones i have done...i try all sorts of different approaches hoping something sticks.

it just feels out of control in a sense....like i am not in control of my life at all.

so this is one i said last week: I light these candles with no ill intent toward anyone and for the higher good of all.

i light the red candle to bring a long-lasting, good love into my life, in which, we will be wedded in bliss together this year 2009.

i light the blue candle to bring health, restore health and be healthy for a very long time til the end of my days on earth. this is for the universe to reverse any ill health i have now too.

i light the green candle to expedite the work and money now. to bring to fruition to all of the seeds i have planted. to see the fruits blossom -- money comes to me freely. good work that is satisfying comes to me now.

the white candle is to bring new beginnings, happiness, clarity with the intentions and clarity in my life with its purity. i look for the external circumstances to improve beyond my wildest dreams, right now.

and here i am ....sum=0

ROOtin TOOtin TOOsday--maybe next week

Well today was anti-climatic, except for my getting my period....yay for me!

And not to gross the world out, well...hmmm, whatever.

It was something I didn't even keep track of it like I normally do. Should have known half my hysteria, besides the FACT of my shiteous reality was being caused by "hormone hell". I have a splitting headache and cramps that will not go away. I don't remember this from my younger years.

I am working still, right now, this moment... on the stuff for M. I sent a profile of what I am doing to someone else I know, who then informed me, I was doing the perfect thing for me. Other than that, performing shitloads of research, working with clunky applications and trying to not spend 12-15 hours online. Welp...here I still am 14 hours later.

Other than that an old friend found me on FB today--that was exciting! He was my little buddy! And beyond that, yeah...I am still broke.

I have also come to a really unpleasant conclusion. I may be alone the rest of my life--never moving forward. I have fought against the belief that I would suffer like that....but I have run out of gas....and this last situation kicked my ass. I am open, I don't feel closed off or in my own little world, I just feel like all I do is suffer from my external circumstances, so what would change?

It also feels like it is so impossible and faraway. The possibility of having a healthy and happy relationship. I guess I am so used to disappoint, it is hard to maintain a bit of expectation.

Anyways, I went and started commenting on some of my earlier readings, because in the work category and also in the travel portions of the readings...there is some "dead on stuff" there. So, some of it is for real, unfortunately.... just all the stuff about Cherub was wrong in it ever possibly developing into anything relationship-wise at all.

I really think he is icky anyway....I remember on the last day when we were in Vegas...his hot and cold attitude. Like he noticed me and then ignored me....as though I existed and then I didn't...it was fucking weird. He'd walk up to me and say something and then walk away. He asked me at one point if I was bored, I said, "Sorta". I asked him why he asked me that, cuz I wanted to know did I appear bored? I really don't like to wear my emotions such as boredom on my face. He told me, "I hadn't noticed, I was too wrapped up in my own issues." Can we all say "YUCK!" together? Really....he paid more attention to the guy his nephew called his "butt buddy". The same guy who was asking him for money to gamble--that is what I refer to as a leech! The whole episode disgusts me....the whole trip....all of it! Now that my hormones are mellowing, I am thanking God this guy did what he did and said what he did to me.

Hope I feel this way in the morning. Cuz I am really wanting it out of my system for good without further pain.

Never ever ....I hope all my lessons are learned and I never feel the need to put myself thru something with such emotional turmoil ever again!

End of what the fuck day

So, all is not lost.

Well some of it is lost, but it has been lost for a long time and I have no intention of trying to figure out where the fuck I left it....whatever it was.

My friend "C" offered a room at her place if needed or a few hundred dollars if that would make the difference up in rent.

My friend "H' is offering space and of course, has decided she is my new chaperone or am I hers? She is at the very least my newly self-appointed activity Director, much to the surprise of two other friends who like control of my social schedule at least a couple nights a week.

My friend "K" would like me to move down by her, but my youngest is in high school still and I know running away never solved a damn thing, although being homeless doesn't either.

My friend "A" decided I could come up with some viral sorta ideas for his company.

My friend "M" as we know, told me "go forth and make it happen". (In other words this is actually a project)

Unemployment looks like it will continue for awhile, thank God...cuz who knows when the hell I will get paid.

My other friend "K" said I could move in with her....

And my friend "L" just tried to cheer me on and up!

My kids are funny, thankfully...whether they intend to be or not.

I don't feel any better though, well I take that back...I have stopped myself from being a sobbing mess for most of today...that is a step. None of it is stable, I know...I know...nothing in life ever really is...but I feel like I am skiing down a glacier at full speed or taking a dive into the bottom of an outhouse. Submerged is where I end up, so NOT interested in buying scuba gear anymore.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. And hopefully I will be one step closer to being over that asshole. Oops did I call him a name?

At least it dawned on me earlier that I do not want to hear from him now....even that little part of me that always wants the satisfaction...is of the belief that I need to be in a stronger place, as in "really" over him to make sure I never go back. If it happens too soon, (zoiks!) I may be persuaded like the puddle I am capable of melting into (sigh). Emotions are the retarded, red-headed stepchild in each of us (no offense to anyone who falls in that category--really--I mean none directly)...but emotions are their own thing--separate worlds from the intellect that is for sure!

I probably will never hear from him again (I really think there is a 90% chance of this)...and that makes me breathe a sigh too...afterall please remember, he did take his balls and ship them off to another country...

I think his balls are living it up and having a better time visiting the rest of the world, than the weak and wimpy ass they left behind. Never again.

First day of what the fuck am I doing with my life

Nice subject line, eh?

I am not in a good space. I feel as though instead of having made forward motion, I have been sliding backwards. Think I am at about 18 years old now. Except with the baggage of someone much older.

I am not sure of where I am going to live. Looking at places to rent is more depressing than anything. I have such a good deal, it is hard to believe that I will again be forfeiting a lifestyle (not that I have much of one anymore), to accept even less. I keep thinking I hit the bottom....then the farther I fall.

I am supposed to start for M....I asked him when he wanted me to start, he said "now" so here I am. Have no idea the $$, nor do I know what I am doing! I mean, I do, but it is new doing it as a business for me.

I have no idea how much money I will have to move, if I can take my kids, if I will end up on someone's floor....and the heartache in the past 24 hours is again kicking my ass.

I figure at some point the pain will completely stop of having been used and discarded. But AT LEAST I am not living in any denial about it...I am taking it all at face value. I meant nothing to him and as the pain increases, I allow it...knowing at some point there will be an end to these feelings. And I will never revisit it again. I keep hoping each day I wake, that it is the last day of any emotion about that dunderhead. Although there are moments of relief, many of them in fact...it is the moments in which I am trapped in sorrow that I look forward to being rid of once and for all.

Going to sleep

This has been a challenging day.

My life is irrevocably changing again, which after all of the clawing and fighting to maintain what I had built....it is really not a "fairy tale" ending.

But, part of me is ambivalent, worn out, beaten up and trying to maintain a sense of happiness.

I believe this new business could take off given the right amount of time and space, but on the other hand I am so jaded that until I hear from the "proposed client" and others he knows...I won't hold my breath.

I have been on the merry go round too many times.

I spoke with my friend K tonight. She is feeling finally over a man who she spent 5 years with, broke up with him for a variety of "smart" reasons, second-guessed herself a year later and wanted him back. For the next year, he managed to play games with her head. She finally is ready and wants the calm peaceful relationship, one which comes with someone who can and will commit--cuz they want to be there. Hmmm...sounds emotionally healthy, huh!

It is all I have time for at this point, but since I have so far been retarded in my own ability to decipher good from scary....I hope it surprises the hell out of me! A nice conversation with someone who can have a conversation....that would be engaging. I don't look for a guy to relate like a woman, but like a guy with a brain...ya know?

I will put anything that I attract to me here. Whether it is a job, work, vacation, money, a man, other people, friends, etc... I want to record it and hopefully the tide will turn and things will go in an upswing.

It would be fun to record all the gifts I am given!

Seriously...

Well the song is still in my head.

I have no clue anymore. My landlord sent me an email telling me they listed the house I am in for rent. They are even thinking of a private sale. i wish I was in a position to buy it, but I can't even pay rent.

This is really tough.

Ran into my accountant this morning while walking...told him what I am thinking of doing, not sure he got it....but I have never run into him before...so maybe he can help?

Sent emails off to a few biz owners I know to see if they'd be interested.....and thus far who knows!?

My stomach is a goner. I have some issue....many girlfriends suffer from IBS and told me they believe I have that with my symptoms.

Things are just coming up roses. If I had insurance I would think of committing myself at this point with all the happiness being spread around.

I had no idea I'd be unemployed a year....from VP to homeless. Who knew?

Love will find you

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading,

From all the things that we are

But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night,

Love will find you.

And so it goes on and on...this song has been stuck in my head for the past 24 hours. I don't know why. I woke up this morning with the specific part of it replaying over and over: What about now? What about today? What if you're making me all that I was meant to be? What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find? Baby, before it's too late, What about now? Now that we're here, Now that we've come this far, Just hold on. There is nothing to fear, For I am right beside you. For all my life, I am yours.

I cannot seem to make it go away, like OCD in my head!

I hate to even say it, because I really want to not write another word about Cherub.

But, before I heard from him toward the end of last year….this “artist” and his songs always reminded me of Cherub. And when we are on the ill-fated vacation, this song and two others of his seemed to play everywhere I went that week with him. WEIRD! Who cares though it doesn’t matter anymore.

I was delusional. I was desperate, how else can you love someone who doesn’t love you back?

Will my dreams ever come true?

The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.

The song Mandy just came to mind by Barry Manilow. How strange. Maybe Cherub walked away when love was his--he never realized (or maybe he did) how happy I made him....and I know based on the type of connection we had and he tried denying in the end, he'll know it someday....that is so sad and unfortunate, it'd be great if these things happened in a timely manner, but they don't...

"Realizations" sometimes come on time, a little too late or never. So...it is always those three options...and I don't wonder which one anymore. It doesn't matter, what will be...will be.

Among a couple realizations this morning on my walk was that: hearing his words to me two weeks ago, no longer hold a sharp edge for me. I didn't feel the knife. I was notliking the words, but there was no longer an intensity of my emotion with it at all. I feel a loss and a bit of sadness, but we all make decisions for ourselves for whatever reasons. We decide what we think is right or best for us. He decided something different than I would have based on his feelings in that moment. He still hasn't resolved his relationship with his ex-wife, he may at some point or not. Maybe one day it'll no longer serve as an excuse or a barrier to love.

I just wish he would have decided this before ever reappearing in my life.

I have walked a different path in some aspects of my life.

Part of it to seek inner peace, part of it to try to be authentic to who I am and part of it headstrong thinking "this or that" will finally take me to where I want to go. Spiritually, I've spent many times wrestling with the path I walk. If things are not built on a solid foundation, they crumble....to either be rebuilt or demolished. The Universe does not give me the chance to take the easy way out.

I'm at a place where I know what my dreams are, but all the paths I've taken to get there have lead me back to square one.

I don't believe I am a victim or deserve it, cuz I know quite honestly; there are people who are dumber, angrier, more fractured-dysfunctional than I am, who get to realize their dreams. No one has to be perfect or even 70% functional to have good.

Today I've given up how to get there anymore. I don't really know how inner and outer success looks in work, love and money. I don't know what it takes to do it--cuz I thought I knew, but I don't .....cuz if I did, I wouldn't be here.

So as I walked today, I talked with the Universe, because the epiphany of realizing that I'm not even sure I'll recognize "good" or that maybe the "familiar" is something in which its not a good or bad (how about no label).And really, I can't chase after things, I can't allow myself to get swallowed up in "wanting" something so bad that it rules my life. And so, whatever is going to happen will happen. I just hope I recognize the good one. After last night, I really wonder if I'll have the energy. I slam no doors shut.

When I think of having to put energy out--I realize, I can't anymore. Sort ofa dichotomy. It'll come to me or it won't and so, its where I am. Maybe I can keep a running list of everything that comes to me daily? Whatever it is.

If I move, I move...it's not what I want right now, its a further step away from stability, but when you've done all you can and all you get are table scraps anyway......you figure, no table scraps....who needs them? I want a Ribeye.

So-I'll keep a belief the things I want are out there and they are coming here---to me. I want to be married by my birthday this year, have money as to not suffer and work that is good, all in the present moment. I don't know what it looks like. No attachment to any of it--cuz I don't know what's right anymore and I guess we'll see what sticks when it comes my way.

Maybe the Universe will finally send me the instruction manual?

It's morning

Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

So, the weirdness continues. M called at 7 this morning, more hyped out and excited than I have ever seen him about anything--a true entrepreneur. Heard from my landlord, he is coming by this afternoon.

I am okay...if I am out on my ass, I am out. Meanwhile, M has decided my new business for me. It is strange how natural it feels. It is strange that he told me has clients for me (just by mentioning what I will be doing for him) and that he is a prototype. It is another inexplicable thing in my life.

Who ever would have thought this would happen? Sent my ex-husband the info--he may now hire me to do this for him too. Weird. My friend's husband last night--weird too. I live in synchronicity with no explanation. Her husband "J", thinks its a great idea and has clients. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. Usually it is like a fucking bear hunt, where I have to go set traps or drag home the kill. Because I am born entrepreneur it was always "make things happen". Can't say it anymore....I feel it is out of my hands.

Maybe because I decided I had planted so many seeds, put energy out in so many directions and finally said "I give up".....that it is taking hold?

I am not completely on board. I have a wait and see sort of thought process. If it works out, then I will be a proponent of my own intuition. Then I will do readings for others again.

I already have decided what I will do as a therapist--no more than 20 patients a week, personality disorders only. And with a PhD in positive psychology--it will be a whole new approach. I truly crave the research....and because I have the personality where people feel comfortable with me right off the bat---doing therapy is second nature.

I had my first coaching client yesterday....that was easy too. Tonight I have a date with "A". Hmmm, it should at least be worth a laugh.

Nighty Night

Just got in.

What a freakin' weird day! Where to begin?

Had my first coaching client this morning. A man who wants to switch jobs and lose weight. He sounds like I could help him, but then drops the "M" Bomb...money. He has to talk to his wife before continuing. Mind you, his therapist is the one who recommended he get in contact with me. So, we'll see...I gave him homework and sent him on his way.

Then I had the phone screwed in my ear with friends, my landlord was supposed to come over--kept answering my emails from two days ago and then decided he wasn't coming until after my meeting with "M"...had I known, I would have made plans for the time he allotted.

Had a rockin' meeting with M and his gang. They are so hyped and the possibilities are endless. Even though he is owner of his own firm, we have to sort of piecemeal this in...and he knows in time it will show up as successful and continue to be a BIG boon for their company.

So after that two hour meeting, thought I was meeting with my landlord, wrong again! I started working on my proposal for "M:, since he wanted things immediately. And my other female friend M rings...we had made plans, I with no gas or money was telling her "no"...she was pissed.

So, I said I could probably drive a couple miles and sure I'll meet her at 9:30 on a Thursday night (I am so the opposite of night owl)...meanwhile my other friends call...I am to go meet them at a local place, so now I'm out....and thinking, "okay".

I tell my friend and her husband about the meeting. He said he had been interested in what I was doing upon his wife telling him what I was doing. He suggested using different packages at the low and high end. Just start low and they'll ask for you to more for them.

He has interest and he could think of clients offhand who would too.

I called M told her where we were and to come join us. They had all never met, it was funny! We all were laughing. So, now I am home after a day of interesting things...nothing has changed yet...there is only the hope in the air right now.

A summary

So...synchronicity. I will know very soon if there is really anything to it all.

I started updating the blog for my friend M, who I met with prior to leaving on vacation to hell. He definitely wanted me to work on being their "blogger" at that time. Then while I was out of town he sent me the budget, it will pay my electric bill for the most part. Beyond that--total joke!

So, last Friday I interviewed his partner for the blog...after forcing myself to release the knobs on the oven where I wanted to stick my head into at that moment.

Anyways, Monday was a holiday.

Tuesday rolls in. I get an email from "M" asking how it was going with the blog. How strange I think to myself. He never has cared or shown much interest in any small project I did for him over the years.

I always felt I have forced him to let me do work for him at times. Guess I am just worn out, cuz my desire to even do the blog is at a minus 30.

Weird synchronicity with him started around the same time as Cherub. My memory is horrible, but there was a while in which I kept thinking he and I should be working together, but then I was unsure and not really feeling he was interested in my doing work for them, etc...

BUT, I kept running into him. Weird shit--like Sunday morning at 6 a.m. I pull in to get gas before my run, and who is the only person there----HIM. I go to the grocery store one afternoon, after referring someone to him....and there he is in the aisle. A week later, same thing, different time. We asked each other if the other was staking one another.

On the street, we'd run into each other....I never understood and still don't the significance.

Until today, I am DEPRESSED--totally across the board, my entire life is affected. I go on my morning walk. Who do I run into? Yup! M....and he says, you need to call me. It wasn't weird enough yesterday that the emails I got from him were showing interest business wise....now I run into him. Then I think, he probably wants me to cancel the blog stuff.

I am walking and crying, I am going to have to move, my love life in tatters, no money even for gas or food, thinking everything I keep planting, pulling weeds, re-seeding, etc...for months and truly remaining non-attached most of the time (good luck if you can achieve this all the time)...has gotten me to the bottom of the barrel.

I went home and wrote to my landlord, still haven't heard back...anyways, I am jumping around.

So, I go home and cry more. I gave it all up to the Universe, the burden of carrying it anymore. I can't do it. I am not that strong. And I would say prior to the trip with cherub, my ability to see the bright side and truly believe in the good was about 25 out of 30 days a month. Not bad.

So...I get an email from his partner, all excited about the blog. He also mentions that M wants me to do something else for them too. I am thinking, oh goody....another project at way below cost?

So, I stop crying trying to clear my clogged nose and call him.....voice mail.

I figure "whatever", two seconds later I get an email with subject line: i have work for you.

Hmmmm...I email back, we end up chatting on the phone, he wants to do something I told him about 6 months ago. Now he wants me to do a presentation at their staff meeting in the afternoon tomorrow. No problem.

If this turns out to be anything, maybe there is something to running into him. Maybe synchronicity is alive and well in my life. And maybe with Cherub it was more of a fluke?

THE REASON I SAY SYNCHRONICITY AT ALL? Well, in running into him a bunch of times and IF this truly works out......IT IS MY FUCKING PROFESSIONAL FUTURE!!!!!!!

That's why! It is a niche, it is something I thought "How would I offer to do this for someone?" and "M" took it a step further....and has now rounded out exactly how this service I do is now going to be a business. He is more convinced than me.

And without him, it may not ever have a chance to come to fruition. Just remember SMO and SMM. That'll be me with many, many clients....IF this all goes North.

I may be living out of a box doing it, but as long as I have a laptop, electiricty and wifi or somethin'.....I can do it!

first meeting

When he was telling me how I wasn't the woman for him...and that all those times he said we'd end up together...he doesn't remember. He also mentioned how he remembered when we met and how cute he thought I was....wow a wave of sadness just washed over me.

Emotions don't matter...I have no idea what my original intent was in writing this....just that it is a shame how much baggage can destroy things before they even get off the ground. And why? Who doesn't want love or happiness? Who?

It's an ongoing struggle

Pain sweeps thru my being in waves. It is not consistent, but when it comes it leaves me breathless. I flash on moments of the trip....the moments of him saying how I made a certain food for everyone and he gets "all" the leftovers, because I made them with my love, my love was in the ingredients and therefore it was his to take.

Or that night as we were driving the RV down the road and he said he was tired....and I said, "Can I do anything to keep you awake?"...and he said, "rub his neck". I thought it would put him to sleep, but he said it would keep him awake.

Less than 24 hours later, I am being told that I was not the one for him and would never be. Most days since that conversation I do not spend the majority of my time, re-living it....I instead allow the pain to envelope me, hoping the next wave will be less intense and that eventually it will recede altogether.

I know in those moments, I am still struggling. In those moments, I miss him SO much! But, then I know that I cannot ever allow him back in my life again. I cannot go through this sort of pain again for anyone. I don't desire another unhealthy relationship. I won't ever put up with having a man in my life and have it be a mystery or based on assumptions. It will need to be clear and understood.

I keep having moments of being at the house and the pull I felt toward him...the feeling of him being "the one", with moments of wanting to run very far away from him on this trip.

I will probably never understand what happened at all. And honestly my ability to keep analyzing this shit, has worn thin. I am becoming more apathetic and have my fingers crossed it will become my distant past very soon.

Longer than usual

Today has been a long day emotionally.

Last night was a blast, we were up til 2:30 in the morning. I had 8 females here including myself...lotsa wine, laughter and food. My one friend "H" had promised to make me laugh and as she said come out of the rabbit chute with my finger leading the way...as in flipping the bird everywhere and to everything.

Between cherub and my bank account being overdrawn with no money in sight...I am wanting to flip out.

I had to take a midterm in my Adolescent Psychology class today. I was so anxious. It was hard to stay focused. I did it and got a 92 out of 100. I just had another glimpse of cherub and I on the ski trip, him falling over as he skied into me getting off the lift, us sitting on a different chair lift, feeling close to him...skiing to him as he waited for me. Him acting like he was my boyfriend and then the pull away emotionally...feeling it and wondering what changed, only to have him staring at me and moving my hair aside as he looked at my eyes and was entranced by the color.

It flattens me, those moments hurt like a knife in my heart. He doesn't love me, he can't imagine a life with me...I am 99% of what he wants in a woman, but I am missing that 1% that makes him want to chase me to the ends of the earth. It makes no sense. When he first dated me, he had weird moments of chasing me...followed by other weird moments of almost nonexistence.

He said he will look for someone just like me. How fucked up is that sentence? He said I am everything he is looking for in someone.

I never got a straight answer out of him....he never said why he came back. I asked, he had a response that made no sense nor took any responsibility.

There are hours in the day when I feel okay....and then others when I want to curl up in a ball. I was so WRONG! I thought our connection was mutual and that he felt the same way about me. I felt so stupid and told him that--I am not that out of touch with myself. I know when someone is in to me. But, maybe this time I had deluded myself into believing he felt the same way.

I never closed the door on attracting in a good guy for me and in those moments I feel a certain giddiness and happiness. I know that the man who I marry will be consistent, stable and know how he feels in regard to me.

What am I going to do about work? I am soooooooooooo freaked out! it has been a year and I am still unemployed! I am behind on my rent. I am guessing my landlord is gonna tell me it is time to move out.

He was supposed to give me work, but he keeps dicking around...and I am not interested in this anymore. I have had to chase table scraps. I keep looking under every rock and stone. I keep looking in the clouds and on the street....nothing materializes. I talk to many, but nothing goes anywhere.

It is all too much for me...I have stopped paying some bills now, so my credit will totally take a shit. I can't stop the train. I guess I shouldn't have told cherub to go fuck himself. I need those tires for my car.

God. I really hate moments like this one....I miss him so much! it will pass, but holding that feeling and wanting to run out into traffic---not healthy.

Holidays suck ass

I don't give a fuck on the one hand. On the other, the connection is still there.

I tell myself it is me. It is no longer him. The feeling deep in my core must be self-generated and I keep asking the Universe for insight. I keep asking for guidance so as to keep releasing him, not become bitter and hold onto my power. Along with what do I need to do create the life I want?

I am tired of this old life. I have been working for so long and to see there are no fruits to my labor is depressing. I keep talking myself into not being in the cesspool...I don't want a man I can't respect, one who is so weak, afraid and selfish. He is not the sweet soul I thought him to be...maybe he shouldn't be cherub, but Beelzebub instead? that's too long to write.

Why do I feel I am going to end up with him SO strongly right now? I am not wanting it, my intellect thinks the rest of me has done left the building. My friends would roast me alive if I ever entertained even a friendship with him. And frankly I don't want one...it is just this weird feeling of being connected that I must continue to let go of.

And if my thoughts return to him..it is that either he is Borderline, Passive Aggressive, Commitment-phobic or some other personality disorder. It is fitting that in my Abnormal Psychology class this week that it is personality disorders we are studying...and if he is BPD--there is no way he will ever be okay. They have one of the worst prognosis for overcoming their disorder. My therapist God love her....if she would have given me a way of coping for me that does not make him the object--I'd feel better.

It doesn't matter what is wrong or right with him...it has to be put back on me, I live with me, I want certain things in my life. I have only "me"....he left the building. And if I wouldn't have told him to fuck himself, that I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again...along with slamming the door in his face--God knows how I'd be sitting here trying to be his friend. I would be suffering like I did in the past--wondering, feeling that icky feeling in my gut.

I at least took my power back and "yes" I know getting over someone and all the delusions I had about him is a two steps forward one step back process (or whichever way that is).

His addiction issue I will say as a future Psychologist is just a symptom of what is wrong with him. I believe a lot of addictions are just symptoms and after spending a week with two in recovery--I can say they definitely have underlying issues--we all know you have to dig deep to yank at those roots. You have to pull hard until they loosen.

Sometimes

I really believe I have screwed up as of today.

I think I allowed what the psychics told me to help me to believe that this man loved me. I think I have been stupid and delusional. He is a man who is in a lot of pain and as long as he in pain, he will share and cause pain. There can be no love in its presence.

He told me things in the past which included the word love, ending up together, being together at some point....and in the end last year, saying it was him not me when asked point blank. He even said if we would have met in high school we'd still be together.

Prior to that there was a day where he called me a million times, had to hold me in his arms...and got to...telling me we needed to have our kids on the same custody schedule, and how we'd be together and I'd be able to give him advice on his kids, we'd have all sorts of time together...until after initmacy that day. Then he freaked, telling me he couldn't do a relationship now, but that he really liked me a lot...and that didn't mean in the future he couldn't do a relationship...just not that day.

And then another day telling me how he hadn't been looking for a relationship...and then he met me and I threw a wrench into the whole thing, but of course I guess in looking back....I was getting mixed messages.

Or him telling me one day that I wasn't important, that I didn't matter to him yet. (I am so brokenhearted as I write this....and its my own fault.) Only to call me two weeks later and tell me that I am important to him and he does love me. He just couldn't do a relationship, but wanted to keep dating me...he didn't want me out of his life.

I found it unacceptable and left. He and I didn't speak for 3 weeks, until I called to tell him I had an epiphany--that I had commitment issues and needed to clean things up in the past before going forward. All he heard was "my voice"and how much he missed me, and was so glad to hear my voice and my laugh once again. He called me repetitively after that....and wanted to date, but not be in a relationship. I said "friends only"......

But....there came a point in which it was just a mess.

And not to continue down memory lane....he said a couple of weeks ago that what he said in the past no longer mattered....it was "now" and as he had been told he "wasn't the one" from his ex-fiance....I wasn't the one, so he understood how it felt. (sick fucker)

Those items put in the "concoction" also helped to build my belief that he had feelings for me.

Now that I have put my tail between my legs and realized I was just a "warm body"....I know I will never be that again in this lifetime.

I also know I had a major epiphany. As I tossed and turned last night, it dawned on me that I always worry about the guy being happy....not that I shitcan my feelings entirely, but I have a thing about being worthy to love.

I guess when I look at the "connect the dots". I always struggled for my Dad's attention and love. I never felt I had either for a variety of reasons. I guess I choose the situations which are tough....and hope to navigate my way thru, before I have had enough and walk away.

That is so dumb and a waste of time. I have no desire to engage in that sort of behavior or relationship again. It is about me too. How do I feel? Are my needs being met? Am I at my best or worst around this person? What does he offer besides money? Does he offer love, kindness, generosity of heart?

In this instance "no", he offered money with an expectation of control. He offered some kindness, but did a dance like the "hokey pokey" all week or I should say whenever he was in my life.

I think he didn't miss me. I think he came back around cuz he was bored or curious. He was curious to see if he walked away from something worth having and found it wasn't worth it to him.

I wasn't willing to do what he did, what else did I want? A miracle?

I want something I have never had in a relationship. I can't expend this sort of energy again. I don't ever care to hear from him or see him again. I have had enough doses of pain to last a lifetime. And I imagine he has a long road ahead of him filled with lotsa pain.

The point of pain has been won, there is no more curiosity on my part to explore what my psyche needed...the peace I feel inside when I think of someone who is not in the throes of holding onto toxicity....feels good, I hope he comes soon.

I pray this is the last lesson in pain I go through with a man.

The epilogue

Ugh. A million times, "UGH"!

What a nightmarish week ending with a crash and burn emotionally that I could not see coming. I am going to do my best to keep yesterday's conversation to a condensed version.

Told him when he got the call from his son that lying never worked and hoped he never lied to me...he said he never would, but I think he would...he thinks he stays out of a confrontation that way.....he's so stupid.

I went up on the RV loft to talk to him. Thought I'd start with how we ran into each other and how the whole time I had tried to avoid him. He said, he thought I looked pissed off when he'd see me.

He tells me he does not share my feelings. He does not have those type of feelings for me at all.

I am not the one. I never will be, he cannot imagine us together in the future at all.

He asked me to go on the trip, he didn't have a plan, he thought we'd be friends.

Then he contradicted: saying he was hoping something would evolve with us. He was looking for the thing which would make him take all the steps necessary to move his life forward in so far as dealing with kids, ex-wife, etc... that intense compulsive feeling which makes someone want to slay dragons. (Nice if I had been in on this one)

He doesn't love me, not in love with me at all. He never was (I didn't hear him right 8 months ago apparently) and he thinks I'm 99 percent of what he wants; its the 1 percent compulsive childish, intensity that's missing. He also said, he knows we have a connection, but it's missing that little zing. (He is so full of shit--there always has been plenty of ZING)

He said, remember I told you I wasn't the man for you all those months ago. I said, I asked you if I was the woman for you and you said yeah, but it was timing. You said all these great things about how a relationship should be and that was what we had. He said, "I saved the text" if you want to see...then said he was kidding (asshole). He also does not remember the conversation either.

He said his ex-fiance loved him at one point, but he had to listen to her tell him that "he wasn't the one for her" and so, he has been in my shoes. she was a sick person (but he has conveniently forgotten this for the sake of the conversation), she was now idealized as was the relationship. He said I don't compare to her or his ex-wife in how he felt for me. (asshole)

He's in a lot of therapy. Getting over a sex addiction (although he said it wasn't porno--ummm...wow, what does that leave? ick) and being a borderline alcoholic. What was weird is I felt like I was talking to someone else. He went onto say it was all of his issues, that he is complicated, but really simple and really is a nice guy (I should've known you never trust a nice person). he kept saying, everything would've probably been okay had we not slept together....

He wants to remain my friend. We can go out and do things, since neither of us is seeing anyone seriously. He has fun with me and likes me. He said he now has to go find someone just like me, that is if he even wants a relationship now and he doesn't. But, he may in the future and then again maybe he will be alone, but it will be so hard for him to find someone just like me and for me to find someone just like him (which I said--uh, no thanks)...he was ridiculous, all over the map.

He is happy with his life and everything in it. He still has feelings for his ex-wife, whom he left cuz his therapist told him to....and so there is all sorts of resentment from her about that and of course, because she feels he stole her youth. He said she vowed to never get married again and especially not to him. He says she is working on her issues, so if she wants to get back together he wants to be open for that--cuz if he was with me and she wanted him--he'd have to dump me. (asshole--by the way I said this word aloud several times with the word "fucking" in front of it). He said he knows they'll never get back together, she stopped loving him after the first 10 years of their marriage--must have been when she cheated on him....but was not in love with him. (he sounds like a commitment-phobic, emotionally unavailable asshole to me)

I also said he was SELFISH over and over. He told me that he had warned me of that...idiot.

He kept wanting me to say this trip was great and that it was worth it!! He said we weren't really dating beforehand so there wasn't that expectation.....of a relationship. I said it was unclear as to what expectations there were...although his telling me we could pretend to be married last Sunday, was definitely stupid.

At one point he said he could see us together if there was no ex-wife and kids, but then a bit later says he never said that.

I told him how I don't vew dating and relationships the same way, how my hairdresser had dated someone sort of like "duty dated" and realized 6 months into it-that she was in love with the guy. I said, I am looking at it all as taking time and being open to people i would not have in the past, since my things was always to be sexually driven. He then said maybe he needs to get knocked around more by crappy relationships, before he is ready for me. (I almost told him how in discounting sex as a major part of a relationship--I had settled for him--cuz GOD knows he is the worst SELFISH lover I have had since I was a teen--we had chemistry--that was it).

He was fucking crying cuz he was sad AFTER he told me all of those horrible things.Why would you cry when you have said some of the meanest and non-emotional things to someone who you apparently don't feel will EVER be someone you want to be with. Who would cry, but a disconnected jackass! He then tells me, don't wait for me, but if we're both single in 5 years, maybe that could be the time for us to be together. (crack pipe anyone?) And I told him, NO WAY!

I told him about my collage and how the house we stayed in up in the snow, looked just like the one in my intentions on my collage (the vacation portion--came true--law of attraction at its best). I told him I made a vow to be married this year and not to him. I told im there were things I did not like about him at all. He said he couldn't marry me by my birthday (he listens well) it wouldn't be him, but maybe in 5 years. He said he wanted to be clear over and over and that I'm not the one. He repeated that over and over.

He told me he wasn't confused or scared, it was just I'm not the right one. So, really....not scared buddy? O-k-a-y.

I told him I felt so stupid--I'm normally not that out of touch with myself and that it was odd that I was under the impression he had the same feelings for me. He said I wasn't "stupid"...I am one of the smartest people he knows, blah, blah, blah and I stopped him and said--Oh I know I am smart and a great person...I just feel like I lived in lala land.

He just continues to sabatoge his own happiness in such painfully obvious ways. He sabotaged this with me...thought he was clearing up part of his mess, because he had to deal with his ex-wife and kids...so of course, get the meaningless bitch out of the way and it will all be okay.

There was more....mostly the same---very insulting to me almost like he enjoyed it--like it was an ego boost. He kept saying, "feelings change" and I am not in love with you, I can't see it--you are not it for me.

WELL...guess what? We were only in Riverside at this point, as he left me up in the loft to go below with everyone else. I had at least another hour of hell in the prison on wheels. I wanted to jump! I started texting my girlfriends...one who said she'd come over when I got home. The other who said he is fucking nuts get a way from him! He is crazy and an asshole! (duh).

As people were dropped off...it was down to me, him and techie...asshole asked me something and I gave him a bitchy answer. Techie looked at me and I was flipping the asshole off. He started texting asking me what happened.

I told him as much as one can through text. He told me that cherub does this shit with other people, including clients. He said cherub is an emotional wreck and that I was better off forgetting him--he uses people all the time is what I was told. And better to know now rather than later...as he himself is trying to get the hell away from him (he lives with him!!!)

There was more, but it didn't make me feel better. Techie is cool, never had a problem with him.

So, as we got closer to my house...and that ass thinks he is cute..."Next stop, my city". So, I get all my stuff out and he sees me and says to wait til we get there and he'll get everything. I ignore him and continue to clear my stuff out and leave the sunglasses he gave me behind. He stops the RV and comes toward me. He is trying to get my stuff...techie already grabbed the bigger stuff.

I turned aorund looked at the asshole and said, "I HATE YOU, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF, and I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!"...he grabbed stuff out of my hands to carry, cuz of course I'm dropping my laptop. He follows me to my door...holds open the screen door...I take one quick glance at him and slam the door in his face...all I remember is his eyes grew very large.

Techie text messaged me later--he ended up working that night and said that Cherub's ex-wife was busy yelling at him. What a complete moron.

All done and over

This afternoon was an ending.

I am home now.

I was blown away by the immensity of what was said to me. I am so blown away that I will write what I can about it tomorrow. I am still in shock. I seriously am delusional.

It hurts. Yet, I feel empowered. I should have thought something was up when after sex in the morning, he went to the bathroom and went to the front of the RV instead of coming back.

We went to breakfast where he said we were all going home today. He needed to get back to work. He was still present at breakfast, but it felt a little strange. We were driving to Vegas and I'm in the front seat--feeling stonewalled for conversation. So, I start asking questions...what is your favorite color? Food? Where do you want to visit in the world? He answers.

I ask him if he wants to know anything about me. He says "No, I am sure I will figure those things out in time." Alrighty then!

It wasn't fun. I am looking forward to being home at this point. We get to Vegas and he is distant from me, then he comes up to me as I have completely backed off...and asks me if I need money to gamble, etc... and then we go to another casino. He comes up and puts his arm around me and asks if I am bored? I say kinda, just don't know what we are doing, it changes every two seconds.

We're in the casino and he asks me what I think of the two friends who he has issues with Dickhead and Techie? I say one bosses you around (there is way more that I could say on a level of freaky, freaky relationships--Cherub and Dickhead are just fucking weird) and the other doesn't really bother me. He was defensive and said he doesn't do everything Dickhead tells him to do. (I pretty much get I am the only person in his life who is honest with him and who isn't after his money--I am the "good" thing he has been blessed to have here). This older guy "Dickhead"...had the audacity to ask Cherub for money to gamble and when he said "No", Dickhead stormed off!

Anyways, I told Cherub a bit later that I am not interested in judging him or his friendships and I apologize for sticking my opinion in where it doesn't need to be (I would never ask that opinion from someone else of any of my friends--who cares what someone else's judgment is, right?). He said, "Well what do you think of my "blood"?" Meaning his nephew and fiance. I say I love them to pieces--they are great, cuz they are...sweet kids. He says "good" it is more important for you to get along with them and like them, then the other two....he then says the other two are on their way out of his life. I thought...okay, the man is interested in me getting along with his family. He continues to state future sort of things.

I was hanging with his nephew and fiance in the casino....his nephew referred to Cherub and Dickhead as "butt buddies". After a week of weird crap, we were all pretty fed up with the power Dickhead appeared to weild. I get that Cherub buys everyone in his life. I thought it was weird that no one on the trip was at his level in their life, career or finances. Not one person. I guess he establishes control in that way. Or some semblance in his head of control.

As we are leaving the casino, the shit is now starting to hit the fan!

He says to me, my son called. He saw the pix on FB that one of the people on the trip posted of me and Cherub in the jacuzzi. He said his son was angry with him for lying and that his siblings and Mom know too.

Cherub says, his kids are the most important priority in his life. I say, why did you lie? I told you it was wrong to lie about this...why can't they know about me? Why is it an "either or" situation? He says they are still fucked up from his last relationship. And he doesn't want to hurt them!

So, then we are in the RV and I say to him, "Ya know you can change the past and let everyone heal (as my gut is doing flip flops--cuz I know I about to be the one to be hurt)" If your kids met a nice person who was good to them and you, then they'd see things could be good. I continue talking about my peace inside and how I have changed patterns and habits fromt he past...how I have made new choices and they lead me to living differently." He looks at me and says , "I know, that is what I am going to do...I will handle the situation."

And my stomach fell to the floor.

I will save the rest of this for tomorrow. He decided not to drive anymore a few minutes later and left me in the front...ignored me and then I was ready to implode, so I went to the very back of the RV. Alone--I was coming unglued, I knew I would be the sacrificial lamb.

So, after an hour...I went to seek him out, I figured if I am getting dumped, I'd rather know now, then wait to hear "nothing" by him falling off the face of the Earth. I know the quicker I resolve this the closer I am to having the "man I am going to marry in my life". PLUS--I felt my loss of power, I felt totally icky and like I was gonna have a panic attack.

The conversation tomorrow.

This evening my friend K came by, the other guy "techie" on the trip wanted to take me out for drinks, since he knew what happened. I just was trying to keep my equilibrium. I called "Bev" for a reading.

This is the woman who told me 97% she saw me ending up with him.... um yeah.

Bev's reading:
I ask: Is what he said the truth? Is it how he really feels?

She says it is difficult to pick this up tonight, hmmmmm, something is not reading right. She says, "Quick answer--No he didn't mean what he said, however there is depression around it." Wasn't telling me the truth--he's not saying what he is feeling. Not going to call it a lie--it's self deception mixed in it--talking he's in the right direction.

I ask: How does he feel about me? She says the truth will be revealed--he thinks I am spectacular, I am great. She tells me to relax a little (Uh, yeah right). She says he needs to blow through this depression.

I ask: What does it look like in 1 month between he and I? Passion, karma, very strange place for him--he's letting go of someone in the love arena. He's letting go . It's doubtful he's dumping me. It looks deadly serious. He's letting go of love. I say it "must be me he is letting go of".... she says "no it is not me".

I ask: Is he gone for good? words don't match actions, not logical--bliss card with passion comes up. I kicked him in the psyche. We'll be back together in a month--won't even take that long. Great BIG 180 turn. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face. He'll mull it over--he's lying to himself.

I ask: Am I gonna hear from him? Hear from him next week. He really didn't think it through. Hear from him in next couple of weeks. He is eating his words now internally. Sense in spite of his strong words, she feels it is not OVER. In the Summer, it will be my choice.

I will be surprised (I finally tell her what happened)

I'm letting go of the past. Breaking with past. Meeting someone new, who can give me what I need. Cherub cares a lot more about me than he says. What I said to him kicked him into a new level at the time.

Over next 2 months: This relationship requires friendship. He is re-evaluating. He will make an effort to be in the relationship. My choice to go forward. He's really, really gonna miss me. Passion connection came up. It's gonna be hard for him-he really admires how powerful I can be. Confusion-yes then no. There's this one strong connection, I can't do anything about it. Internally--he can't let me go. It's not over. My anger is not over. 3 days to blow through it.

He's in a funk. The angels think it is hysterical. Hearing from him he'll be wanting my friendship.

Will he ever say how he feels about me? He is going to admit how feels and let go of the past real soon. It opens up the door for him to be real. Strong, powerful cards on the relationship. fair and balanced. Keep up the good work. Hold onto my position and power.

Will we end up together? Forget it...it's over, move on for me...there's a new guy coming in (HELLO! It's about fucking time!)

What I love is how this went from a sure thing in her eyes to "move on, he ain't worth it, he's not the guy".

Wonder what she'll be telling me in a couple of months? LOL!

Way back down the country

So, bumping along in the back of an RV.

We're headed homeward with a detour. Thought we may stop elsewhere and go skiing, but it was decided we would spend time in Vegas.

Not sure what the whole deal is with Cherub.

No sex last night, he came to bed, said he was tired and stayed the hell away from me. I really hate having a wall with someone. I know it comes from two places. One--my unease and discomfort, because I don't know where I stand...and the other is the "wall" I feel from him in wanting to communicate.

This is unhealthy, yet intriguing.

He stayed with me skiing today. He said he was going to help fine tune me and was excited cuz we were going to Vegas and seeing a show, blah, blah, blah.

No in-depth conversations.

The controlling person on the trip met up with us, changed our direction and we ended up elsewhere on the slopes. He was in control. I forgot what happened, but I yelled at them both after 4 days of this bullshit...."Do either of you two fucking listen?" I felt better, because I got a response and I just started speaking my mind to a point. I told him I had never been around a group of people who know how to communicate less. I also told him he was all over the map, I had no idea where he was at, etc...

I should have just slept on the couch the whole time, but we have chemistry so it is hard. Anyways, he was all sorts of happy to me...saying how I should know him well by now (sure) and claiming the lunch leftovers I made, because he decided I made them with 'my" love for him and that he was the sole beneficiary.....and announced this to everyone on the trip. He went from treating me like I was nonexistent, to his girlfriend, to his buddy to God knows what!

This has not been very fun. Glad I can ski again, but other than that this trip has been boring and no one seems to want to converse about anything real. He had me sit next to him about an hour ago and massage his neck, he was getting tired and said that would help him stay awake. He gave me a BIG hug earlier and was all excited.....I know the man told me two days ago that he was a bad communicator....and I know that about him....but still!!!!

I feel like I constantly have to communicate....except it is uncomfortable. NEVER AGAIN!

I just want to get home and away from him, so I can ground myself and sort of let things fall where they may.

Superbowl Sunday

Well, I am taking a few minutes to write here.

We stopped for breakfast in some city a few hundred miles from our destination. It was good, very small town and more ahead of the curve then you would think.

We traveled on and my daughters were on the phone with me. Their Dad was taking them dirt bike riding and to a SuperBowl Party. Cherub had been saying over and over they should have come or he should have given them money. Nice of him....whole thing is surreal to me.

He liked me sitting next to him in the RV as he drove. He was not talkative, not just with me but anyone...he really doesn't have conversations...actually no one has much of a conversation except his nephew. He's a really nice kid. Cherub asked if they liked me, and he said "yes, we think she is cool." Cherub said, "Everyone likes her", with a smile. They went on about how cool I was, blah, blah, blah.

Of course the guy who lives with him...we hit it off to begin with, he's cool. The other guy, he's just freakin' weird! We had an argument this evening about alcoholics. I won't get into the details, but I was coming from a different perspective of "psychology", he was being over-protective about what works for him...and i said it doesn't work for everyone--doesn't make them bad or wrong, it's just maybe there is another solution out there for those people.

Meanwhile back to earlier in the day....we were almost to the grocery store and I said I brought a healthy cookbook. Cherub decided I should cook some recipes out of there...I was very happy to oblige, it made me feel better about being a freeloader.

He was teasing me at the store and afterwards...and then he said something strange, the guy who lives with him was pissing him off cuz he wasn't helping.....so he wanted me to say something to him when we were going back to the RV. I thought that was weird. Why do I need to say something? Why couldn't he just say something instead? I blew it off and said nothing.

We barely made it to the house with 15 minutes to spare before the Super Bowl. Cherub put my suitcase and stuff in his room....and said, "We can pretend to be married for the week"....um, wow, okay.....what do you say?

I made guacamole...and Cherub and I ate almost all of it between ourselves.

I watched the SuperBowl and he was talking to me between yelling over his excitement (he ended up winning a bet in Vegas on the Super Bowl). He wants to take me all over the place....hockey games, wine tasting, etc... I said, "You promised to do the hockey in the past"...he said "I know" and now I will plus more. Hmmmm....okay, well this is just interesting. He was excited that I like Football (unfortunately, I start yelling at the tv too, can't help it).

So...then control guy is going to BBQ steaks for us all, his nephew and fiance went to bed. They were tired form lack of sleep. The guy who lives with him was just pissing him off for breathing at this point.

At one point during the game in fact, everyone left Cherub and I, taking off to the clubhouse. When they came they said they wanted to give us time alone. I showed Cherub my FB account and pictures...he liked looking at them.

He was acting like we were a couple...I am just trying to play it cool at this point...I am not sure what I want and so I am observing him. He is passive aggressive....wow! He got really angry though and actually yelled at the guy who lives with him, cuz he left the tv on downstairs. Actually they both are passive aggresive. Cherub mentioned how he is paying for everything....

And I am painfully aware he paid for everyone to be here and how strange that is at our age not to have friends who could or would afford it on their own.

We were unpacking more and I noticed he took all the dresser drawers but one...I asked him where I was supposed to put my clothes, he tells me that he was selfish and sorry...he then tried to find me somewhere to put my stuff too.

So....it has been a nice first evening in this place...except for these hints of a personality that is so far unfolding in front of me, hmmmm? I am a little pulled back here.