All done and over

This afternoon was an ending.

I am home now.

I was blown away by the immensity of what was said to me. I am so blown away that I will write what I can about it tomorrow. I am still in shock. I seriously am delusional.

It hurts. Yet, I feel empowered. I should have thought something was up when after sex in the morning, he went to the bathroom and went to the front of the RV instead of coming back.

We went to breakfast where he said we were all going home today. He needed to get back to work. He was still present at breakfast, but it felt a little strange. We were driving to Vegas and I'm in the front seat--feeling stonewalled for conversation. So, I start asking questions...what is your favorite color? Food? Where do you want to visit in the world? He answers.

I ask him if he wants to know anything about me. He says "No, I am sure I will figure those things out in time." Alrighty then!

It wasn't fun. I am looking forward to being home at this point. We get to Vegas and he is distant from me, then he comes up to me as I have completely backed off...and asks me if I need money to gamble, etc... and then we go to another casino. He comes up and puts his arm around me and asks if I am bored? I say kinda, just don't know what we are doing, it changes every two seconds.

We're in the casino and he asks me what I think of the two friends who he has issues with Dickhead and Techie? I say one bosses you around (there is way more that I could say on a level of freaky, freaky relationships--Cherub and Dickhead are just fucking weird) and the other doesn't really bother me. He was defensive and said he doesn't do everything Dickhead tells him to do. (I pretty much get I am the only person in his life who is honest with him and who isn't after his money--I am the "good" thing he has been blessed to have here). This older guy "Dickhead"...had the audacity to ask Cherub for money to gamble and when he said "No", Dickhead stormed off!

Anyways, I told Cherub a bit later that I am not interested in judging him or his friendships and I apologize for sticking my opinion in where it doesn't need to be (I would never ask that opinion from someone else of any of my friends--who cares what someone else's judgment is, right?). He said, "Well what do you think of my "blood"?" Meaning his nephew and fiance. I say I love them to pieces--they are great, cuz they are...sweet kids. He says "good" it is more important for you to get along with them and like them, then the other two....he then says the other two are on their way out of his life. I thought...okay, the man is interested in me getting along with his family. He continues to state future sort of things.

I was hanging with his nephew and fiance in the casino....his nephew referred to Cherub and Dickhead as "butt buddies". After a week of weird crap, we were all pretty fed up with the power Dickhead appeared to weild. I get that Cherub buys everyone in his life. I thought it was weird that no one on the trip was at his level in their life, career or finances. Not one person. I guess he establishes control in that way. Or some semblance in his head of control.

As we are leaving the casino, the shit is now starting to hit the fan!

He says to me, my son called. He saw the pix on FB that one of the people on the trip posted of me and Cherub in the jacuzzi. He said his son was angry with him for lying and that his siblings and Mom know too.

Cherub says, his kids are the most important priority in his life. I say, why did you lie? I told you it was wrong to lie about this...why can't they know about me? Why is it an "either or" situation? He says they are still fucked up from his last relationship. And he doesn't want to hurt them!

So, then we are in the RV and I say to him, "Ya know you can change the past and let everyone heal (as my gut is doing flip flops--cuz I know I about to be the one to be hurt)" If your kids met a nice person who was good to them and you, then they'd see things could be good. I continue talking about my peace inside and how I have changed patterns and habits fromt he past...how I have made new choices and they lead me to living differently." He looks at me and says , "I know, that is what I am going to do...I will handle the situation."

And my stomach fell to the floor.

I will save the rest of this for tomorrow. He decided not to drive anymore a few minutes later and left me in the front...ignored me and then I was ready to implode, so I went to the very back of the RV. Alone--I was coming unglued, I knew I would be the sacrificial lamb.

So, after an hour...I went to seek him out, I figured if I am getting dumped, I'd rather know now, then wait to hear "nothing" by him falling off the face of the Earth. I know the quicker I resolve this the closer I am to having the "man I am going to marry in my life". PLUS--I felt my loss of power, I felt totally icky and like I was gonna have a panic attack.

The conversation tomorrow.

This evening my friend K came by, the other guy "techie" on the trip wanted to take me out for drinks, since he knew what happened. I just was trying to keep my equilibrium. I called "Bev" for a reading.

This is the woman who told me 97% she saw me ending up with him.... um yeah.

Bev's reading:
I ask: Is what he said the truth? Is it how he really feels?

She says it is difficult to pick this up tonight, hmmmmm, something is not reading right. She says, "Quick answer--No he didn't mean what he said, however there is depression around it." Wasn't telling me the truth--he's not saying what he is feeling. Not going to call it a lie--it's self deception mixed in it--talking he's in the right direction.

I ask: How does he feel about me? She says the truth will be revealed--he thinks I am spectacular, I am great. She tells me to relax a little (Uh, yeah right). She says he needs to blow through this depression.

I ask: What does it look like in 1 month between he and I? Passion, karma, very strange place for him--he's letting go of someone in the love arena. He's letting go . It's doubtful he's dumping me. It looks deadly serious. He's letting go of love. I say it "must be me he is letting go of".... she says "no it is not me".

I ask: Is he gone for good? words don't match actions, not logical--bliss card with passion comes up. I kicked him in the psyche. We'll be back together in a month--won't even take that long. Great BIG 180 turn. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face. He'll mull it over--he's lying to himself.

I ask: Am I gonna hear from him? Hear from him next week. He really didn't think it through. Hear from him in next couple of weeks. He is eating his words now internally. Sense in spite of his strong words, she feels it is not OVER. In the Summer, it will be my choice.

I will be surprised (I finally tell her what happened)

I'm letting go of the past. Breaking with past. Meeting someone new, who can give me what I need. Cherub cares a lot more about me than he says. What I said to him kicked him into a new level at the time.

Over next 2 months: This relationship requires friendship. He is re-evaluating. He will make an effort to be in the relationship. My choice to go forward. He's really, really gonna miss me. Passion connection came up. It's gonna be hard for him-he really admires how powerful I can be. Confusion-yes then no. There's this one strong connection, I can't do anything about it. Internally--he can't let me go. It's not over. My anger is not over. 3 days to blow through it.

He's in a funk. The angels think it is hysterical. Hearing from him he'll be wanting my friendship.

Will he ever say how he feels about me? He is going to admit how feels and let go of the past real soon. It opens up the door for him to be real. Strong, powerful cards on the relationship. fair and balanced. Keep up the good work. Hold onto my position and power.

Will we end up together? Forget it...it's over, move on for me...there's a new guy coming in (HELLO! It's about fucking time!)

What I love is how this went from a sure thing in her eyes to "move on, he ain't worth it, he's not the guy".

Wonder what she'll be telling me in a couple of months? LOL!