First day of what the fuck am I doing with my life

Nice subject line, eh?

I am not in a good space. I feel as though instead of having made forward motion, I have been sliding backwards. Think I am at about 18 years old now. Except with the baggage of someone much older.

I am not sure of where I am going to live. Looking at places to rent is more depressing than anything. I have such a good deal, it is hard to believe that I will again be forfeiting a lifestyle (not that I have much of one anymore), to accept even less. I keep thinking I hit the bottom....then the farther I fall.

I am supposed to start for M....I asked him when he wanted me to start, he said "now" so here I am. Have no idea the $$, nor do I know what I am doing! I mean, I do, but it is new doing it as a business for me.

I have no idea how much money I will have to move, if I can take my kids, if I will end up on someone's floor....and the heartache in the past 24 hours is again kicking my ass.

I figure at some point the pain will completely stop of having been used and discarded. But AT LEAST I am not living in any denial about it...I am taking it all at face value. I meant nothing to him and as the pain increases, I allow it...knowing at some point there will be an end to these feelings. And I will never revisit it again. I keep hoping each day I wake, that it is the last day of any emotion about that dunderhead. Although there are moments of relief, many of them in fact...it is the moments in which I am trapped in sorrow that I look forward to being rid of once and for all.