Holidays suck ass

I don't give a fuck on the one hand. On the other, the connection is still there.

I tell myself it is me. It is no longer him. The feeling deep in my core must be self-generated and I keep asking the Universe for insight. I keep asking for guidance so as to keep releasing him, not become bitter and hold onto my power. Along with what do I need to do create the life I want?

I am tired of this old life. I have been working for so long and to see there are no fruits to my labor is depressing. I keep talking myself into not being in the cesspool...I don't want a man I can't respect, one who is so weak, afraid and selfish. He is not the sweet soul I thought him to be...maybe he shouldn't be cherub, but Beelzebub instead? that's too long to write.

Why do I feel I am going to end up with him SO strongly right now? I am not wanting it, my intellect thinks the rest of me has done left the building. My friends would roast me alive if I ever entertained even a friendship with him. And frankly I don't want one...it is just this weird feeling of being connected that I must continue to let go of.

And if my thoughts return to him..it is that either he is Borderline, Passive Aggressive, Commitment-phobic or some other personality disorder. It is fitting that in my Abnormal Psychology class this week that it is personality disorders we are studying...and if he is BPD--there is no way he will ever be okay. They have one of the worst prognosis for overcoming their disorder. My therapist God love her....if she would have given me a way of coping for me that does not make him the object--I'd feel better.

It doesn't matter what is wrong or right with him...it has to be put back on me, I live with me, I want certain things in my life. I have only "me"....he left the building. And if I wouldn't have told him to fuck himself, that I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again...along with slamming the door in his face--God knows how I'd be sitting here trying to be his friend. I would be suffering like I did in the past--wondering, feeling that icky feeling in my gut.

I at least took my power back and "yes" I know getting over someone and all the delusions I had about him is a two steps forward one step back process (or whichever way that is).

His addiction issue I will say as a future Psychologist is just a symptom of what is wrong with him. I believe a lot of addictions are just symptoms and after spending a week with two in recovery--I can say they definitely have underlying issues--we all know you have to dig deep to yank at those roots. You have to pull hard until they loosen.