It's an ongoing struggle

Pain sweeps thru my being in waves. It is not consistent, but when it comes it leaves me breathless. I flash on moments of the trip....the moments of him saying how I made a certain food for everyone and he gets "all" the leftovers, because I made them with my love, my love was in the ingredients and therefore it was his to take.

Or that night as we were driving the RV down the road and he said he was tired....and I said, "Can I do anything to keep you awake?"...and he said, "rub his neck". I thought it would put him to sleep, but he said it would keep him awake.

Less than 24 hours later, I am being told that I was not the one for him and would never be. Most days since that conversation I do not spend the majority of my time, re-living it....I instead allow the pain to envelope me, hoping the next wave will be less intense and that eventually it will recede altogether.

I know in those moments, I am still struggling. In those moments, I miss him SO much! But, then I know that I cannot ever allow him back in my life again. I cannot go through this sort of pain again for anyone. I don't desire another unhealthy relationship. I won't ever put up with having a man in my life and have it be a mystery or based on assumptions. It will need to be clear and understood.

I keep having moments of being at the house and the pull I felt toward him...the feeling of him being "the one", with moments of wanting to run very far away from him on this trip.

I will probably never understand what happened at all. And honestly my ability to keep analyzing this shit, has worn thin. I am becoming more apathetic and have my fingers crossed it will become my distant past very soon.