Longer than usual

Today has been a long day emotionally.

Last night was a blast, we were up til 2:30 in the morning. I had 8 females here including myself...lotsa wine, laughter and food. My one friend "H" had promised to make me laugh and as she said come out of the rabbit chute with my finger leading the way...as in flipping the bird everywhere and to everything.

Between cherub and my bank account being overdrawn with no money in sight...I am wanting to flip out.

I had to take a midterm in my Adolescent Psychology class today. I was so anxious. It was hard to stay focused. I did it and got a 92 out of 100. I just had another glimpse of cherub and I on the ski trip, him falling over as he skied into me getting off the lift, us sitting on a different chair lift, feeling close to him...skiing to him as he waited for me. Him acting like he was my boyfriend and then the pull away emotionally...feeling it and wondering what changed, only to have him staring at me and moving my hair aside as he looked at my eyes and was entranced by the color.

It flattens me, those moments hurt like a knife in my heart. He doesn't love me, he can't imagine a life with me...I am 99% of what he wants in a woman, but I am missing that 1% that makes him want to chase me to the ends of the earth. It makes no sense. When he first dated me, he had weird moments of chasing me...followed by other weird moments of almost nonexistence.

He said he will look for someone just like me. How fucked up is that sentence? He said I am everything he is looking for in someone.

I never got a straight answer out of him....he never said why he came back. I asked, he had a response that made no sense nor took any responsibility.

There are hours in the day when I feel okay....and then others when I want to curl up in a ball. I was so WRONG! I thought our connection was mutual and that he felt the same way about me. I felt so stupid and told him that--I am not that out of touch with myself. I know when someone is in to me. But, maybe this time I had deluded myself into believing he felt the same way.

I never closed the door on attracting in a good guy for me and in those moments I feel a certain giddiness and happiness. I know that the man who I marry will be consistent, stable and know how he feels in regard to me.

What am I going to do about work? I am soooooooooooo freaked out! it has been a year and I am still unemployed! I am behind on my rent. I am guessing my landlord is gonna tell me it is time to move out.

He was supposed to give me work, but he keeps dicking around...and I am not interested in this anymore. I have had to chase table scraps. I keep looking under every rock and stone. I keep looking in the clouds and on the street....nothing materializes. I talk to many, but nothing goes anywhere.

It is all too much for me...I have stopped paying some bills now, so my credit will totally take a shit. I can't stop the train. I guess I shouldn't have told cherub to go fuck himself. I need those tires for my car.

God. I really hate moments like this one....I miss him so much! it will pass, but holding that feeling and wanting to run out into traffic---not healthy.