ROOtin TOOtin TOOsday--maybe next week

Well today was anti-climatic, except for my getting my period....yay for me!

And not to gross the world out, well...hmmm, whatever.

It was something I didn't even keep track of it like I normally do. Should have known half my hysteria, besides the FACT of my shiteous reality was being caused by "hormone hell". I have a splitting headache and cramps that will not go away. I don't remember this from my younger years.

I am working still, right now, this moment... on the stuff for M. I sent a profile of what I am doing to someone else I know, who then informed me, I was doing the perfect thing for me. Other than that, performing shitloads of research, working with clunky applications and trying to not spend 12-15 hours online. Welp...here I still am 14 hours later.

Other than that an old friend found me on FB today--that was exciting! He was my little buddy! And beyond that, yeah...I am still broke.

I have also come to a really unpleasant conclusion. I may be alone the rest of my life--never moving forward. I have fought against the belief that I would suffer like that....but I have run out of gas....and this last situation kicked my ass. I am open, I don't feel closed off or in my own little world, I just feel like all I do is suffer from my external circumstances, so what would change?

It also feels like it is so impossible and faraway. The possibility of having a healthy and happy relationship. I guess I am so used to disappoint, it is hard to maintain a bit of expectation.

Anyways, I went and started commenting on some of my earlier readings, because in the work category and also in the travel portions of the readings...there is some "dead on stuff" there. So, some of it is for real, unfortunately.... just all the stuff about Cherub was wrong in it ever possibly developing into anything relationship-wise at all.

I really think he is icky anyway....I remember on the last day when we were in Vegas...his hot and cold attitude. Like he noticed me and then ignored me....as though I existed and then I didn't...it was fucking weird. He'd walk up to me and say something and then walk away. He asked me at one point if I was bored, I said, "Sorta". I asked him why he asked me that, cuz I wanted to know did I appear bored? I really don't like to wear my emotions such as boredom on my face. He told me, "I hadn't noticed, I was too wrapped up in my own issues." Can we all say "YUCK!" together? Really....he paid more attention to the guy his nephew called his "butt buddy". The same guy who was asking him for money to gamble--that is what I refer to as a leech! The whole episode disgusts me....the whole trip....all of it! Now that my hormones are mellowing, I am thanking God this guy did what he did and said what he did to me.

Hope I feel this way in the morning. Cuz I am really wanting it out of my system for good without further pain.

Never ever ....I hope all my lessons are learned and I never feel the need to put myself thru something with such emotional turmoil ever again!