Sometimes

I really believe I have screwed up as of today.

I think I allowed what the psychics told me to help me to believe that this man loved me. I think I have been stupid and delusional. He is a man who is in a lot of pain and as long as he in pain, he will share and cause pain. There can be no love in its presence.

He told me things in the past which included the word love, ending up together, being together at some point....and in the end last year, saying it was him not me when asked point blank. He even said if we would have met in high school we'd still be together.

Prior to that there was a day where he called me a million times, had to hold me in his arms...and got to...telling me we needed to have our kids on the same custody schedule, and how we'd be together and I'd be able to give him advice on his kids, we'd have all sorts of time together...until after initmacy that day. Then he freaked, telling me he couldn't do a relationship now, but that he really liked me a lot...and that didn't mean in the future he couldn't do a relationship...just not that day.

And then another day telling me how he hadn't been looking for a relationship...and then he met me and I threw a wrench into the whole thing, but of course I guess in looking back....I was getting mixed messages.

Or him telling me one day that I wasn't important, that I didn't matter to him yet. (I am so brokenhearted as I write this....and its my own fault.) Only to call me two weeks later and tell me that I am important to him and he does love me. He just couldn't do a relationship, but wanted to keep dating me...he didn't want me out of his life.

I found it unacceptable and left. He and I didn't speak for 3 weeks, until I called to tell him I had an epiphany--that I had commitment issues and needed to clean things up in the past before going forward. All he heard was "my voice"and how much he missed me, and was so glad to hear my voice and my laugh once again. He called me repetitively after that....and wanted to date, but not be in a relationship. I said "friends only"......

But....there came a point in which it was just a mess.

And not to continue down memory lane....he said a couple of weeks ago that what he said in the past no longer mattered....it was "now" and as he had been told he "wasn't the one" from his ex-fiance....I wasn't the one, so he understood how it felt. (sick fucker)

Those items put in the "concoction" also helped to build my belief that he had feelings for me.

Now that I have put my tail between my legs and realized I was just a "warm body"....I know I will never be that again in this lifetime.

I also know I had a major epiphany. As I tossed and turned last night, it dawned on me that I always worry about the guy being happy....not that I shitcan my feelings entirely, but I have a thing about being worthy to love.

I guess when I look at the "connect the dots". I always struggled for my Dad's attention and love. I never felt I had either for a variety of reasons. I guess I choose the situations which are tough....and hope to navigate my way thru, before I have had enough and walk away.

That is so dumb and a waste of time. I have no desire to engage in that sort of behavior or relationship again. It is about me too. How do I feel? Are my needs being met? Am I at my best or worst around this person? What does he offer besides money? Does he offer love, kindness, generosity of heart?

In this instance "no", he offered money with an expectation of control. He offered some kindness, but did a dance like the "hokey pokey" all week or I should say whenever he was in my life.

I think he didn't miss me. I think he came back around cuz he was bored or curious. He was curious to see if he walked away from something worth having and found it wasn't worth it to him.

I wasn't willing to do what he did, what else did I want? A miracle?

I want something I have never had in a relationship. I can't expend this sort of energy again. I don't ever care to hear from him or see him again. I have had enough doses of pain to last a lifetime. And I imagine he has a long road ahead of him filled with lotsa pain.

The point of pain has been won, there is no more curiosity on my part to explore what my psyche needed...the peace I feel inside when I think of someone who is not in the throes of holding onto toxicity....feels good, I hope he comes soon.

I pray this is the last lesson in pain I go through with a man.