Will my dreams ever come true?

The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.

The song Mandy just came to mind by Barry Manilow. How strange. Maybe Cherub walked away when love was his--he never realized (or maybe he did) how happy I made him....and I know based on the type of connection we had and he tried denying in the end, he'll know it someday....that is so sad and unfortunate, it'd be great if these things happened in a timely manner, but they don't...

"Realizations" sometimes come on time, a little too late or never. So...it is always those three options...and I don't wonder which one anymore. It doesn't matter, what will be...will be.

Among a couple realizations this morning on my walk was that: hearing his words to me two weeks ago, no longer hold a sharp edge for me. I didn't feel the knife. I was notliking the words, but there was no longer an intensity of my emotion with it at all. I feel a loss and a bit of sadness, but we all make decisions for ourselves for whatever reasons. We decide what we think is right or best for us. He decided something different than I would have based on his feelings in that moment. He still hasn't resolved his relationship with his ex-wife, he may at some point or not. Maybe one day it'll no longer serve as an excuse or a barrier to love.

I just wish he would have decided this before ever reappearing in my life.

I have walked a different path in some aspects of my life.

Part of it to seek inner peace, part of it to try to be authentic to who I am and part of it headstrong thinking "this or that" will finally take me to where I want to go. Spiritually, I've spent many times wrestling with the path I walk. If things are not built on a solid foundation, they crumble....to either be rebuilt or demolished. The Universe does not give me the chance to take the easy way out.

I'm at a place where I know what my dreams are, but all the paths I've taken to get there have lead me back to square one.

I don't believe I am a victim or deserve it, cuz I know quite honestly; there are people who are dumber, angrier, more fractured-dysfunctional than I am, who get to realize their dreams. No one has to be perfect or even 70% functional to have good.

Today I've given up how to get there anymore. I don't really know how inner and outer success looks in work, love and money. I don't know what it takes to do it--cuz I thought I knew, but I don't .....cuz if I did, I wouldn't be here.

So as I walked today, I talked with the Universe, because the epiphany of realizing that I'm not even sure I'll recognize "good" or that maybe the "familiar" is something in which its not a good or bad (how about no label).And really, I can't chase after things, I can't allow myself to get swallowed up in "wanting" something so bad that it rules my life. And so, whatever is going to happen will happen. I just hope I recognize the good one. After last night, I really wonder if I'll have the energy. I slam no doors shut.

When I think of having to put energy out--I realize, I can't anymore. Sort ofa dichotomy. It'll come to me or it won't and so, its where I am. Maybe I can keep a running list of everything that comes to me daily? Whatever it is.

If I move, I move...it's not what I want right now, its a further step away from stability, but when you've done all you can and all you get are table scraps anyway......you figure, no table scraps....who needs them? I want a Ribeye.

So-I'll keep a belief the things I want are out there and they are coming here---to me. I want to be married by my birthday this year, have money as to not suffer and work that is good, all in the present moment. I don't know what it looks like. No attachment to any of it--cuz I don't know what's right anymore and I guess we'll see what sticks when it comes my way.

Maybe the Universe will finally send me the instruction manual?