Time goes by

It is really a point of "now".

Looking up searches on "GOOGLE" about, how one goes about starting one's life over. Good question, all sorts of opinions.

Earlier this week, I had to call 911. Yup, it is interesting to watch yourself crack up. It started with my having to go to my bank and close one checking account, because I had opened up another one...quickly followed by cell phone company stating I was one digit off last week on relaying my checking account to them...and while on the phone with them, it started.

Mind you, I haven't been sleeping well for many weeks. Eating habits, pretty piss poor. On the laptop, trying to do work for one client and establish more about 16 hours a day--along with school. My stress and anxiety level has been an all time high. Although, I am able to remain in the rental for now, the landlord wants to sell it---cuz he can't afford it. Funny, when I was earning over 6 figures, I wanted to buy it. Alas...it is all timing. And timing was not my friend this week.

Anyways--segued away from the point of what happened this week.

I started to feel I couldn't see out of my one eye. Half the picture was missing--completely blurred out. Followed by the colorful strobe light effect of my eyes when I opened them, close it was there, but not as bad. I've had migraines, but this one was funky--scared the shit out of me!

My hands were numb, tingling, then numb. My mouth, half my tongue was numb, going up to my teeth and down my throat (only on one side), felt weak, short of breath....YEAH, I flipped at that point.

So, the paramedics showed up. They wanted me to go to the hospital, no insurance, no money--no fucking way....unless I was dying! And when they read my vitals, I just started feeling like an idiot. They didn't know what it was, but were urging me to go to the hospital. I had to sign off on the AMA. Yeah....it was the end for me.

I am done.

I am not "me" anymore. I have left behind the person who believed in dreams coming true. In thinking all of the effort and hard work I put in was gonna pay off, alas.....here I am.

Scraping by on unemployment and the project money from my client. I have two other clients who want to barter for my services. One is a published author, the other owns a gym et al. And then there is the other two referrals from my current client...they keep saying they want to work with me--they like my work, but here I sit.

If I had money, I could have a life, but a year of this shit and now my stopping the payments of all credit cards in this past month....it is like everything went down the toilet.

And I keep hoping that somewhere it will come together, but then, not really hoping. Not really...I don't believe anything will change anymore.

Thoughts

Soooo...here I sit unable to sleep.

I have always been pretty level-headed, most people would never describe me as emotional. I usually smile a lot and laugh easily. I guess that explains my waking in the middle of the night almost every night unable to breathe.

The body does weird shit when it comes to stress.

I am like mini-rollercoaster of emotions. Not full blown, not since I put together a plan for my landlord, it is signed and done--a roof over my head for awhile longer. We'll see if clients cooperate and I actually can create some kind of a living to keep me here.

I am still over that dumbass. Don't like him as a person, doubt I ever will...but, the anger and pain are pretty much nonexistent. The occasional twinge followed by nothingness. The only left over part is that baggage.

You know the crap you can't unload, cuz you don't know its there...that is until, someone new provokes those emotions. Yeah, let's hope I'm not the psycho bitch from hell.

I had a guy tell me he'd call me last night. He didn't. I am not "dating" him, we're sort of warming up to that possibility. I don't want to analyze it, but frankly even if we're getting "up" to the idea of dating....I have to consider is this the behavior to come? Not for me. When I talk to him again, which I know I will (guess my baggage isn't that bad, that I am questioning if I'll hear from him again--although, I do wonder if anyone is actually ever gone put out any effort and MEAN IT--rather than decide to tell me you love me, leave me, come back and then tell me you don't love me, OY! Yeah--that's the baggage speaking ), I will mention that whomever I date (since dating is a subject discussed) that I look for certain things and if those things aren't place, I can't be bothered.

My kids. Wow...that's just like an eclipse of the sun. Haven't heard from my daughters, except for them to ask when I will pay their cell phone bill (never), they don't seem to care or miss me...my son is busy with his life as a young adult in college. I gave it all to them, along with my own feelings of guilt and responsibility. My feelings of insecurity as a parent, the list goes on...as to all the emotions. And I wonder, I wonder how many times I pandered to their requests, so I wouldn't lose them...and in the end it didn't matter. My youngest didn't want to clean her fucking room (I wish I was kidding) and the cable was temporarily shut off; my middle one didn't want to be here, because people were going to look at the house...cuz they thought it was being rented out. My oldest tries his best, but he has a busy life--at least I know how he feels about me.

I never in a million years, when I got divorced wanted my life to look like this...everything I did and worked so hard to achieve and hold onto, slipped through my hands. It's all gone. There never was any semblance of what I wanted to create.

I have absolutely no idea how to create the life I want, since that is what I thought I was doing all those years.

And instead here I am at 11:30 at night, typing in my darkened living room, sort of nervous about going to sleep...cuz the panic attacks that have been waking me up are scary....and out of ideas. I am out of ideas.

My life is broken into teeny, tiny microscopic pieces that are invisible to me...so how do you find what you cannot see?

not an amusement park

I am waiting for my friend "C" to get here....she is only 3 hours late. Not sure how she equates this out in her head, but she is the one who made early plans only to not be here.

But, now that I say that I remember some specific information about her self-centeredness in regard to other people's time. My friend "M" was here earlier, we will be putting together a package to pitch and get her on tv....I think we have a winner!

So, things have been to hell and back this last week. I have at least to report another day of being over the dumbass. Thankfully, he is hardly a thought in my head. The strategy of going through the emotions, not building false hope, not living in a past fantasy and truly looking at "it" and him for what he was and what he was not for me....I can say again and again--nothing to offer, he has nothing I want.

So, "R" and I had a nice conversation last night. He's really nice, but I am a libra and he is an aquarian...he uses words larger than 3 syllables. Sort of funny, who ever thought my ex-husband's best friend would be an option. He is the one leading the way, but we talked for a few hours on the phone last night--it was fun! He wants to and HE DOES travel all over, he is not Mr.Baggage....he's capable of a relationship.....not that I know it will go that way, he was just refrshing to talk to...and that was cool.

Saw my client today, he referred me another possible client. Got some money, if my landlord ever gets back to me, I'll know if it is even a deal or if I am moving in 2 weeks. Living in this weird "na-na" land...is excruciating....I still cannot believe my meltdown and move toward killing myself was last Saturday--it has been a long climb out of rock bottom this week and I am not out yet.

I don't want to move, I will do whatever I have to try and hold on here. There has to be a way.

My daughters are pretty much vacant...after the hysteria of last Saturday morning, they apparently don't have any regrets yet...well my youngest was the hysteria, the older one can't deal with emotions...nice to be abandoned by two out of three kids when you really need them. my son is awesome, he'll be home for Spring break....and I pretty much like living by myself here. Who ever would have thought that????

I am hoping I can stay here and that I don't have to move. I will have a nervous breakdown if things go downhill again....I am at my wits end.

Truth

Interestingly enough, as I get further away from last Saturday when I completely lost it....I seem to have not gotten that loving feeling back for the "clueless" one. It is sort of amazing when I give it a minute that I don't really think of him at all. And if my mind skirts the man, it seems a nano-second of "Oh yeah....nothing to offer", along with how the incredible selfishness in and out of the bedroom, lack of being able to speak like a normal person, inability to be honest with himself or anyone else, very small-minded in scope of the world and total emotional immaturity (probably 12 years old) comes to mind and it dies from there....I could go on listing everything that comes to mind. Unfortunately, any good which came from it, was to me, not real. It feels like the whole thing was fake.

It has taught me that there are no guarantees.That I may be highly tuned in, but still could be wrong. It has taught me others who are tuned in can still be wrong, very wrong.

I feel totally upended with my living conditions at this point. Haven't heard from landlord since yesterday when I sent him over actual numbers for reduced rent.

I need to get a check from my client tomorrow. I am really liking living here alone and DO NOT want to move until I get married or move in with my upcoming boyfriend.

My internal life is shifting in a way I could not have predicted, maybe last Saturday I did die...and it has been a recovery ever since, but it is a new "me" which has been born.

tonight

my friend "M" came over tonight. it was lovely. i have really, really good friends....more than i ever knew....

my friend "H" told some of my friends how i need my friends, cuz i was falling down the sewer.

that made me cry too.

everything is making me cry. happy or sad at this point.

i am wondering how i will make it through this time. this is so incredibly difficult. i am not sure besides my divorce that things have ever been more challenging.

i keep hoping things will start to go in an upwards direction....and then i realize it doesn't change...at all. but, i have friends. that i do.

rollercoaster

the machete that cut me into pieces....has an effect still...guess rejection from the same person over a course of a year and a half can continue to really rob you of some peace. especially when i was the one who backed away each time he had a commitment issue.

i am undone by it, because i had always felt based on HIS words...that he was into me and loved me. it was like cold water or a knife piercing me to hear the opposite.

but then.... he is a mass of contradictions...so who knows the real truth?

i went to my client's office today, pulled my ass together....still didn't discuss money, because other people came around, etc...

and then came home and pulled the covers over my head. i am ready to lose the roof over my head at this point, sell it all...fuck it.

and so, i am laying here drowning in my misery and an old friend of my ex husband's calls, although i didn't know it was him, thought it was the start of the onslaught of bill collectors that i expected now that i paid no credit cards in the last 30 days.

it was a very entertaining conversation....and that was cool...he will call again...nice to have a friend that is male and single. rather than i have a lot of married male friends with advice and shoulders.

alright another friend on the way with groceries and wine is going to be here soon...so i am going to go.

the pity party is now more ...

It has moved from an all day all night event, into some hours of the day.
Today was a weird day for a variety of reasons.
Today I saw a vehicle with his name emblazoned on the side of it, you know the town crier, joker or whatever the hell name i have given him at this point, his company name is his name. As I sat with my friend, it drove by....one I hadn't seen before. Yay for me!

With my living situation, I am thinking I may move out of the area permanently. I just want it all behind me like a bad dream.

The only thing is leaving two of my kids behind. Yes, one of them is 19 and the other is graduating high school in a couple months. I really figured if they move out cuz of school or they have their own place, then cool. But, in this sort of fashion it just sucks....really sucks. My ex is an alcoholic, my kids would have to live full time with him and that is a tough nut to crack.

I don't want to ever see that idiot again. I don't think he'll contact me, because the more i talk about it with others the more convinced i am, that he has a screw loose. Who else goes from one extreme to another in "hours"...and did it even in the beginning of our dating, but i was still trying to understand what he was saying/doing back then. Why? Cuz i never have dated a commitment-phobic asshole, that's why. Call me stupid, but i have never experienced any sort of bullshit like that in my life..... Men can be a little afraid, but to say and do what he did....he's in need of some Paxil, Zoloft and a pedicure. ;-)

My landlord speaks in circles and doesn't listen. His trip over here today was a waste of time. I can try to come up with what I owe by the end of the month....but I think he sees it differently. I think he just wants me gone. And at this point, I had to let go this morning. I really had to just say, "Whatever happens, happens."

one other note

i don't believe in any of the psychic readings i had. it was false hope.

i think it has hindered me, because in my mind i gave this more latitude then i would have, had i not had the readings.....no matter what i pick up psychically myself....the readings with their glowing reports of togetherness really did not do me any favors....

so along with all the other crap...it is emptying the words out "fated" "true love" "twin souls" "soulmate" "love of my life"...no one ever treated me with less care.

and i like myself enough to know..................................i deserve WAY better.

showing the house

woke up to the landlord's email stating he wanted to show the house already.

he is wanting to do so asap. i told him not today, later this week.

i also stated that he set up 4 meetings with me and canceled at the last minute...as in when they were already supposed to be going on...he has been flaky. it is a fine line i walk, because of everything he ever did for me....

i am beyond words now.

sorrow.

i actually spoke to my mom who said i needed to pull myself up and keep going, ugh! that is all i ever do and it never ends. here i go again.

it just dawned me as i write, a thought about the "idiot". his life sucks, he is miserable and it was like tossing me to the side was telltale of how i didn't matter at all. i don' convince myself of otherwise...as many have told me when i unfold the whole story....he may as well have gotten ot a machete and chopped me up into little pieces.

i will never talk to him again. i cannot go through this pain again. and if he contacted me it would be to assuage his guilt....or loneliness. the thought of having someone like that come back around with the very real possibility he could do it again and i'd repeat this misery--is reason enough to not go there.

again...the ego wants to hear from him (but that doesn't mean i want to talk to him), but in all reality...i won't. he is the most dysfunctional man i dated....and the less i pretend and the less i try to color it pretty in any way....the more it hurts, but the less it will in the long run...cuz when this is finally out of my system, it will be done for good. there will be no lingering, there can only be lingering when someone actually loved you...and even then, there is no one else i have any lingering for from my past.

i am going in circles...all this shit floats in and out.

i have to keep going, find some positive and focus. yup....like moving a mountain. wish me luck! ;-)