rollercoaster

the machete that cut me into pieces....has an effect still...guess rejection from the same person over a course of a year and a half can continue to really rob you of some peace. especially when i was the one who backed away each time he had a commitment issue.

i am undone by it, because i had always felt based on HIS words...that he was into me and loved me. it was like cold water or a knife piercing me to hear the opposite.

but then.... he is a mass of contradictions...so who knows the real truth?

i went to my client's office today, pulled my ass together....still didn't discuss money, because other people came around, etc...

and then came home and pulled the covers over my head. i am ready to lose the roof over my head at this point, sell it all...fuck it.

and so, i am laying here drowning in my misery and an old friend of my ex husband's calls, although i didn't know it was him, thought it was the start of the onslaught of bill collectors that i expected now that i paid no credit cards in the last 30 days.

it was a very entertaining conversation....and that was cool...he will call again...nice to have a friend that is male and single. rather than i have a lot of married male friends with advice and shoulders.

alright another friend on the way with groceries and wine is going to be here soon...so i am going to go.