showing the house

woke up to the landlord's email stating he wanted to show the house already.

he is wanting to do so asap. i told him not today, later this week.

i also stated that he set up 4 meetings with me and canceled at the last minute...as in when they were already supposed to be going on...he has been flaky. it is a fine line i walk, because of everything he ever did for me....

i am beyond words now.

sorrow.

i actually spoke to my mom who said i needed to pull myself up and keep going, ugh! that is all i ever do and it never ends. here i go again.

it just dawned me as i write, a thought about the "idiot". his life sucks, he is miserable and it was like tossing me to the side was telltale of how i didn't matter at all. i don' convince myself of otherwise...as many have told me when i unfold the whole story....he may as well have gotten ot a machete and chopped me up into little pieces.

i will never talk to him again. i cannot go through this pain again. and if he contacted me it would be to assuage his guilt....or loneliness. the thought of having someone like that come back around with the very real possibility he could do it again and i'd repeat this misery--is reason enough to not go there.

again...the ego wants to hear from him (but that doesn't mean i want to talk to him), but in all reality...i won't. he is the most dysfunctional man i dated....and the less i pretend and the less i try to color it pretty in any way....the more it hurts, but the less it will in the long run...cuz when this is finally out of my system, it will be done for good. there will be no lingering, there can only be lingering when someone actually loved you...and even then, there is no one else i have any lingering for from my past.

i am going in circles...all this shit floats in and out.

i have to keep going, find some positive and focus. yup....like moving a mountain. wish me luck! ;-)