Time goes by

It is really a point of "now".

Looking up searches on "GOOGLE" about, how one goes about starting one's life over. Good question, all sorts of opinions.

Earlier this week, I had to call 911. Yup, it is interesting to watch yourself crack up. It started with my having to go to my bank and close one checking account, because I had opened up another one...quickly followed by cell phone company stating I was one digit off last week on relaying my checking account to them...and while on the phone with them, it started.

Mind you, I haven't been sleeping well for many weeks. Eating habits, pretty piss poor. On the laptop, trying to do work for one client and establish more about 16 hours a day--along with school. My stress and anxiety level has been an all time high. Although, I am able to remain in the rental for now, the landlord wants to sell it---cuz he can't afford it. Funny, when I was earning over 6 figures, I wanted to buy it. Alas...it is all timing. And timing was not my friend this week.

Anyways--segued away from the point of what happened this week.

I started to feel I couldn't see out of my one eye. Half the picture was missing--completely blurred out. Followed by the colorful strobe light effect of my eyes when I opened them, close it was there, but not as bad. I've had migraines, but this one was funky--scared the shit out of me!

My hands were numb, tingling, then numb. My mouth, half my tongue was numb, going up to my teeth and down my throat (only on one side), felt weak, short of breath....YEAH, I flipped at that point.

So, the paramedics showed up. They wanted me to go to the hospital, no insurance, no money--no fucking way....unless I was dying! And when they read my vitals, I just started feeling like an idiot. They didn't know what it was, but were urging me to go to the hospital. I had to sign off on the AMA. Yeah....it was the end for me.

I am done.

I am not "me" anymore. I have left behind the person who believed in dreams coming true. In thinking all of the effort and hard work I put in was gonna pay off, alas.....here I am.

Scraping by on unemployment and the project money from my client. I have two other clients who want to barter for my services. One is a published author, the other owns a gym et al. And then there is the other two referrals from my current client...they keep saying they want to work with me--they like my work, but here I sit.

If I had money, I could have a life, but a year of this shit and now my stopping the payments of all credit cards in this past month....it is like everything went down the toilet.

And I keep hoping that somewhere it will come together, but then, not really hoping. Not really...I don't believe anything will change anymore.