Opposite Chick

Time goes by

2009-03-27T22:39:00.001-07:00

It is really a point of "now".

Looking up searches on "GOOGLE" about, how one goes about starting one's life over. Good question, all sorts of opinions.

Earlier this week, I had to call 911. Yup, it is interesting to watch yourself crack up. It started with my having to go to my bank and close one checking account, because I had opened up another one...quickly followed by cell phone company stating I was one digit off last week on relaying my checking account to them...and while on the phone with them, it started.

Mind you, I haven't been sleeping well for many weeks. Eating habits, pretty piss poor. On the laptop, trying to do work for one client and establish more about 16 hours a day--along with school. My stress and anxiety level has been an all time high. Although, I am able to remain in the rental for now, the landlord wants to sell it---cuz he can't afford it. Funny, when I was earning over 6 figures, I wanted to buy it. Alas...it is all timing. And timing was not my friend this week.

Anyways--segued away from the point of what happened this week.

I started to feel I couldn't see out of my one eye. Half the picture was missing--completely blurred out. Followed by the colorful strobe light effect of my eyes when I opened them, close it was there, but not as bad. I've had migraines, but this one was funky--scared the shit out of me!

My hands were numb, tingling, then numb. My mouth, half my tongue was numb, going up to my teeth and down my throat (only on one side), felt weak, short of breath....YEAH, I flipped at that point.

So, the paramedics showed up. They wanted me to go to the hospital, no insurance, no money--no fucking way....unless I was dying! And when they read my vitals, I just started feeling like an idiot. They didn't know what it was, but were urging me to go to the hospital. I had to sign off on the AMA. Yeah....it was the end for me.

I am done.

I am not "me" anymore. I have left behind the person who believed in dreams coming true. In thinking all of the effort and hard work I put in was gonna pay off, alas.....here I am.

Scraping by on unemployment and the project money from my client. I have two other clients who want to barter for my services. One is a published author, the other owns a gym et al. And then there is the other two referrals from my current client...they keep saying they want to work with me--they like my work, but here I sit.

If I had money, I could have a life, but a year of this shit and now my stopping the payments of all credit cards in this past month....it is like everything went down the toilet.

And I keep hoping that somewhere it will come together, but then, not really hoping. Not really...I don't believe anything will change anymore.

Thoughts

2009-03-18T23:35:00.000-07:00

Soooo...here I sit unable to sleep.

I have always been pretty level-headed, most people would never describe me as emotional. I usually smile a lot and laugh easily. I guess that explains my waking in the middle of the night almost every night unable to breathe.

The body does weird shit when it comes to stress.

I am like mini-rollercoaster of emotions. Not full blown, not since I put together a plan for my landlord, it is signed and done--a roof over my head for awhile longer. We'll see if clients cooperate and I actually can create some kind of a living to keep me here.

I am still over that dumbass. Don't like him as a person, doubt I ever will...but, the anger and pain are pretty much nonexistent. The occasional twinge followed by nothingness. The only left over part is that baggage.

You know the crap you can't unload, cuz you don't know its there...that is until, someone new provokes those emotions. Yeah, let's hope I'm not the psycho bitch from hell.

I had a guy tell me he'd call me last night. He didn't. I am not "dating" him, we're sort of warming up to that possibility. I don't want to analyze it, but frankly even if we're getting "up" to the idea of dating....I have to consider is this the behavior to come? Not for me. When I talk to him again, which I know I will (guess my baggage isn't that bad, that I am questioning if I'll hear from him again--although, I do wonder if anyone is actually ever gone put out any effort and MEAN IT--rather than decide to tell me you love me, leave me, come back and then tell me you don't love me, OY! Yeah--that's the baggage speaking ), I will mention that whomever I date (since dating is a subject discussed) that I look for certain things and if those things aren't place, I can't be bothered.

My kids. Wow...that's just like an eclipse of the sun. Haven't heard from my daughters, except for them to ask when I will pay their cell phone bill (never), they don't seem to care or miss me...my son is busy with his life as a young adult in college. I gave it all to them, along with my own feelings of guilt and responsibility. My feelings of insecurity as a parent, the list goes on...as to all the emotions. And I wonder, I wonder how many times I pandered to their requests, so I wouldn't lose them...and in the end it didn't matter. My youngest didn't want to clean her fucking room (I wish I was kidding) and the cable was temporarily shut off; my middle one didn't want to be here, because people were going to look at the house...cuz they thought it was being rented out. My oldest tries his best, but he has a busy life--at least I know how he feels about me.

I never in a million years, when I got divorced wanted my life to look like this...everything I did and worked so hard to achieve and hold onto, slipped through my hands. It's all gone. There never was any semblance of what I wanted to create.

I have absolutely no idea how to create the life I want, since that is what I thought I was doing all those years.

And instead here I am at 11:30 at night, typing in my darkened living room, sort of nervous about going to sleep...cuz the panic attacks that have been waking me up are scary....and out of ideas. I am out of ideas.

My life is broken into teeny, tiny microscopic pieces that are invisible to me...so how do you find what you cannot see?

not an amusement park

2009-03-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

I am waiting for my friend "C" to get here....she is only 3 hours late. Not sure how she equates this out in her head, but she is the one who made early plans only to not be here.

But, now that I say that I remember some specific information about her self-centeredness in regard to other people's time. My friend "M" was here earlier, we will be putting together a package to pitch and get her on tv....I think we have a winner!

So, things have been to hell and back this last week. I have at least to report another day of being over the dumbass. Thankfully, he is hardly a thought in my head. The strategy of going through the emotions, not building false hope, not living in a past fantasy and truly looking at "it" and him for what he was and what he was not for me....I can say again and again--nothing to offer, he has nothing I want.

So, "R" and I had a nice conversation last night. He's really nice, but I am a libra and he is an aquarian...he uses words larger than 3 syllables. Sort of funny, who ever thought my ex-husband's best friend would be an option. He is the one leading the way, but we talked for a few hours on the phone last night--it was fun! He wants to and HE DOES travel all over, he is not Mr.Baggage....he's capable of a relationship.....not that I know it will go that way, he was just refrshing to talk to...and that was cool.

Saw my client today, he referred me another possible client. Got some money, if my landlord ever gets back to me, I'll know if it is even a deal or if I am moving in 2 weeks. Living in this weird "na-na" land...is excruciating....I still cannot believe my meltdown and move toward killing myself was last Saturday--it has been a long climb out of rock bottom this week and I am not out yet.

I don't want to move, I will do whatever I have to try and hold on here. There has to be a way.

My daughters are pretty much vacant...after the hysteria of last Saturday morning, they apparently don't have any regrets yet...well my youngest was the hysteria, the older one can't deal with emotions...nice to be abandoned by two out of three kids when you really need them. my son is awesome, he'll be home for Spring break....and I pretty much like living by myself here. Who ever would have thought that????

I am hoping I can stay here and that I don't have to move. I will have a nervous breakdown if things go downhill again....I am at my wits end.

Truth

2009-03-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Interestingly enough, as I get further away from last Saturday when I completely lost it....I seem to have not gotten that loving feeling back for the "clueless" one. It is sort of amazing when I give it a minute that I don't really think of him at all. And if my mind skirts the man, it seems a nano-second of "Oh yeah....nothing to offer", along with how the incredible selfishness in and out of the bedroom, lack of being able to speak like a normal person, inability to be honest with himself or anyone else, very small-minded in scope of the world and total emotional immaturity (probably 12 years old) comes to mind and it dies from there....I could go on listing everything that comes to mind. Unfortunately, any good which came from it, was to me, not real. It feels like the whole thing was fake.

It has taught me that there are no guarantees.That I may be highly tuned in, but still could be wrong. It has taught me others who are tuned in can still be wrong, very wrong.

I feel totally upended with my living conditions at this point. Haven't heard from landlord since yesterday when I sent him over actual numbers for reduced rent.

I need to get a check from my client tomorrow. I am really liking living here alone and DO NOT want to move until I get married or move in with my upcoming boyfriend.

My internal life is shifting in a way I could not have predicted, maybe last Saturday I did die...and it has been a recovery ever since, but it is a new "me" which has been born.

tonight

2009-03-03T23:38:00.000-08:00

my friend "M" came over tonight. it was lovely. i have really, really good friends....more than i ever knew....

my friend "H" told some of my friends how i need my friends, cuz i was falling down the sewer.

that made me cry too.

everything is making me cry. happy or sad at this point.

i am wondering how i will make it through this time. this is so incredibly difficult. i am not sure besides my divorce that things have ever been more challenging.

i keep hoping things will start to go in an upwards direction....and then i realize it doesn't change...at all. but, i have friends. that i do.

rollercoaster

2009-03-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

the machete that cut me into pieces....has an effect still...guess rejection from the same person over a course of a year and a half can continue to really rob you of some peace. especially when i was the one who backed away each time he had a commitment issue.

i am undone by it, because i had always felt based on HIS words...that he was into me and loved me. it was like cold water or a knife piercing me to hear the opposite.

but then.... he is a mass of contradictions...so who knows the real truth?

i went to my client's office today, pulled my ass together....still didn't discuss money, because other people came around, etc...

and then came home and pulled the covers over my head. i am ready to lose the roof over my head at this point, sell it all...fuck it.

and so, i am laying here drowning in my misery and an old friend of my ex husband's calls, although i didn't know it was him, thought it was the start of the onslaught of bill collectors that i expected now that i paid no credit cards in the last 30 days.

it was a very entertaining conversation....and that was cool...he will call again...nice to have a friend that is male and single. rather than i have a lot of married male friends with advice and shoulders.

alright another friend on the way with groceries and wine is going to be here soon...so i am going to go.

the pity party is now more ...

2009-03-02T22:16:00.000-08:00

It has moved from an all day all night event, into some hours of the day.
Today was a weird day for a variety of reasons.
Today I saw a vehicle with his name emblazoned on the side of it, you know the town crier, joker or whatever the hell name i have given him at this point, his company name is his name. As I sat with my friend, it drove by....one I hadn't seen before. Yay for me!

With my living situation, I am thinking I may move out of the area permanently. I just want it all behind me like a bad dream.

The only thing is leaving two of my kids behind. Yes, one of them is 19 and the other is graduating high school in a couple months. I really figured if they move out cuz of school or they have their own place, then cool. But, in this sort of fashion it just sucks....really sucks. My ex is an alcoholic, my kids would have to live full time with him and that is a tough nut to crack.

I don't want to ever see that idiot again. I don't think he'll contact me, because the more i talk about it with others the more convinced i am, that he has a screw loose. Who else goes from one extreme to another in "hours"...and did it even in the beginning of our dating, but i was still trying to understand what he was saying/doing back then. Why? Cuz i never have dated a commitment-phobic asshole, that's why. Call me stupid, but i have never experienced any sort of bullshit like that in my life..... Men can be a little afraid, but to say and do what he did....he's in need of some Paxil, Zoloft and a pedicure. ;-)

My landlord speaks in circles and doesn't listen. His trip over here today was a waste of time. I can try to come up with what I owe by the end of the month....but I think he sees it differently. I think he just wants me gone. And at this point, I had to let go this morning. I really had to just say, "Whatever happens, happens."

one other note

2009-03-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

i don't believe in any of the psychic readings i had. it was false hope.

i think it has hindered me, because in my mind i gave this more latitude then i would have, had i not had the readings.....no matter what i pick up psychically myself....the readings with their glowing reports of togetherness really did not do me any favors....

so along with all the other crap...it is emptying the words out "fated" "true love" "twin souls" "soulmate" "love of my life"...no one ever treated me with less care.

and i like myself enough to know..................................i deserve WAY better.

showing the house

2009-03-01T22:37:00.000-08:00

woke up to the landlord's email stating he wanted to show the house already.

he is wanting to do so asap. i told him not today, later this week.

i also stated that he set up 4 meetings with me and canceled at the last minute...as in when they were already supposed to be going on...he has been flaky. it is a fine line i walk, because of everything he ever did for me....

i am beyond words now.

sorrow.

i actually spoke to my mom who said i needed to pull myself up and keep going, ugh! that is all i ever do and it never ends. here i go again.

it just dawned me as i write, a thought about the "idiot". his life sucks, he is miserable and it was like tossing me to the side was telltale of how i didn't matter at all. i don' convince myself of otherwise...as many have told me when i unfold the whole story....he may as well have gotten ot a machete and chopped me up into little pieces.

i will never talk to him again. i cannot go through this pain again. and if he contacted me it would be to assuage his guilt....or loneliness. the thought of having someone like that come back around with the very real possibility he could do it again and i'd repeat this misery--is reason enough to not go there.

again...the ego wants to hear from him (but that doesn't mean i want to talk to him), but in all reality...i won't. he is the most dysfunctional man i dated....and the less i pretend and the less i try to color it pretty in any way....the more it hurts, but the less it will in the long run...cuz when this is finally out of my system, it will be done for good. there will be no lingering, there can only be lingering when someone actually loved you...and even then, there is no one else i have any lingering for from my past.

i am going in circles...all this shit floats in and out.

i have to keep going, find some positive and focus. yup....like moving a mountain. wish me luck! ;-)

pity party redux

2009-02-28T22:18:00.001-08:00

yup....

still pitying thyself.

actually, i am really trying to not let much distract me from my "pity". i have allowed myself for a good portion of time to do what was recommended over the past year: get out with friends, do things, exercise...and have a life.

in spite of my unemployment status and the ridiculous sightings of the village idiot....and being broke and the sounds of silence on certain days....i have coped well. my psychic vibes have proven to be right for the most part, and hence i consult other psychics to confirm or disprove.

okay--so i stated all that to actually say, i want to process anything and everything i have not, the heavy or light weight depending on the day that i carry of emotional baggage. the stuff i think i clear out and then don't ....or find it lingering in a weird way.

i turned down all social invitations this week-end to just focus on me. to have no obligations, so i could cry or scream.....read stuff to allow me to wallow--so the emotions bubble up to the surface.

thus far it has peaks and valleys. i feel like i am over the village idiot and then i am not. BUT, here is the thing. i get sad when i think of the trip that i took with him a few weeks ago, i get angry when i think "why" did you come back in my life? are you really that selfish? "yes" would be the correct answer. i think of his cruel words to me, which contradicted everything he'd told me up to that point in the past and present. i touch on the dream or fantasy or delusion that he was the one i was going to marry.

it was all wrong. so, i keep hoping every time i feel shitty about one of those things that next time it will be less pain...for the most part it is less pain.

and the conclusion of him no matter what pain i am in and no matter how much my ego would love the gratification and no matter what that weak part of myself who believes in happy endings would want....I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. HE IS NEVER ALLOWED BACK IN MY LIFE.

Simply because I never want to entertain this sort of pain again. i understand love is a risk, but i don't see myself with someone who turns out to be commitment phobic, cuz i know what to look for....someone who is emotionally unavailable will be kicked to the curb promptly like "A" last week. This is not worth it and with him, the trust is gone....i could never believe this village idiot or maybe town crier is a more fitting name, would not put his tail between his legs and run again. frankly it is toooooo much for me to endure.

Thankfully the anger is fleeting, although i still feel no remorse for what i said...and his reaction showed me that women have said these things to him before. it is too bad, but he is conditioned to it....and to allow him any space or latitude is to invite in a "cancer".

my living conditions make me want to scream as i try to figure my next move and therefore i am stuck...in hell.....still.

no resolution, i hope by tomorrow night i am at peace and acceptance with how horrible my circumstances truly are!

chances

2009-02-27T16:24:00.001-08:00

not that it will or won't happen, not that it matters. in my focus to throw a pity party today, i also invested time in a depressing forum...loveshack.org

soooooooooooooooooooooooooo depressing. can i get my bf or gf back? is he coming back? i have cheated on this person and now i realize it was the biggest mistake of my life, help!

my thoughts are "Hmmmmm, so not interested in figuring out how to win someone back who doesn't give a shit." my bigger concern is am i capable of meeting someone who i can have a good relationship with, someone who is emotionally available? that is more of my issue.

healing my heart is why i looked on here...looking for new ways of releasing the pain. i know he is not coming back and frankly i have to say, would i want him or would it be ego gratification? cuz i could never trust someone like that to be stable and offer me a real chance at anything.

i am really negative today.

tomorrow

2009-02-26T23:31:00.000-08:00

so i made my pact.

i have had the strangest feeling come over me. if it lasts i will write it tomorrow.

if not, then i am sticking to plan "a", submersion in my pity party! complete with sheets over my head and sobbing....sleeping....and just breathing.

and if the feeling lasts.....then i am moving on, then my emotions are finally at the stage of "enough", tomorrow will tell.

p.s.

2009-02-26T21:55:00.000-08:00

tomorrow will be a first in my life.

i am not answering the phone.

i am staying in bed all day.

i have no answers and "little" table scraps have no affect...they are a tease and nothing concrete.

my pulse is flat, am i dead? i must be in hell then...huh?

shoot me...i am dead ..... inside

2009-02-26T21:12:00.000-08:00

so i am having a funeral for my "internal"...since apparently there has already been a funeral for any life i had as i knew t or hoped it to be....

seems like i was late to the party (what party? the one in which everyone went home with a prize) and all the cake was eaten.....the carrot sticks were all that was left with no ranch, hmmm....i'll pass.

nothing is improving. seemed liked this biz may have had potential, but it is a slow start...and one in which i have no money. i have keep giving it up and back to the universe. because i have reached a point where i don't know.

i know nothing.

i am moving for the 6th time in 13 years....i have no money. no real job. no home. no mate. no....and i think abundantly, i made space for the abundance....i mean really working on it for a year--breaking my ass and re-breaking it until i felt like i had a grasp on my shit.

only to realize...the amount of peace and clarity i have does nothing to further my life in a positive direction. nothing.

i have become nothing.

don't know the instruction manual to become something.

light the candles of intention

2009-02-25T21:39:00.000-08:00

here is what i sent off late last week with a few candles to the universe.

i don't remember ever having lit so many candles and praying as much as i have in this past year...and quite literally in the last month.

February...started with a trip, a breaking off for good with someone I thought would be in my future, achievement of reaching less than zero in my bank account for more days this month than not, being evicted in 6 weeks...and not having steady work--its been a good month.

i have a project i have started with no final settlement on money as of yet, but being in a place of nothing, you come to the conclusion that you are only going to be offered table scraps and take what you can get...i have held out for so long for abundance...i thought in terms of things would come together, because i was allowing it...i was planting seeds, networking, dating...smiling and saying "hi" to most people i meet or see on the street.

only to come up with nothing. z-i-p

so, in those moments of realization, you sometimes think, well maybe the universe doesn't quite hear me...doesn't get my goals or beliefs or wants or needs. and you think ....maybe i'll ask in a way that really, really puts the torch behind the thought.

not sure if it helps or does nothing (thus far--nothing)....plus this one is different than other ones i have done...i try all sorts of different approaches hoping something sticks.

it just feels out of control in a sense....like i am not in control of my life at all.

so this is one i said last week: I light these candles with no ill intent toward anyone and for the higher good of all.

i light the red candle to bring a long-lasting, good love into my life, in which, we will be wedded in bliss together this year 2009.

i light the blue candle to bring health, restore health and be healthy for a very long time til the end of my days on earth. this is for the universe to reverse any ill health i have now too.

i light the green candle to expedite the work and money now. to bring to fruition to all of the seeds i have planted. to see the fruits blossom -- money comes to me freely. good work that is satisfying comes to me now.

the white candle is to bring new beginnings, happiness, clarity with the intentions and clarity in my life with its purity. i look for the external circumstances to improve beyond my wildest dreams, right now.

and here i am ....sum=0

ROOtin TOOtin TOOsday--maybe next week

2009-02-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

Well today was anti-climatic, except for my getting my period....yay for me!

And not to gross the world out, well...hmmm, whatever.

It was something I didn't even keep track of it like I normally do. Should have known half my hysteria, besides the FACT of my shiteous reality was being caused by "hormone hell". I have a splitting headache and cramps that will not go away. I don't remember this from my younger years.

I am working still, right now, this moment... on the stuff for M. I sent a profile of what I am doing to someone else I know, who then informed me, I was doing the perfect thing for me. Other than that, performing shitloads of research, working with clunky applications and trying to not spend 12-15 hours online. Welp...here I still am 14 hours later.

Other than that an old friend found me on FB today--that was exciting! He was my little buddy! And beyond that, yeah...I am still broke.

I have also come to a really unpleasant conclusion. I may be alone the rest of my life--never moving forward. I have fought against the belief that I would suffer like that....but I have run out of gas....and this last situation kicked my ass. I am open, I don't feel closed off or in my own little world, I just feel like all I do is suffer from my external circumstances, so what would change?

It also feels like it is so impossible and faraway. The possibility of having a healthy and happy relationship. I guess I am so used to disappoint, it is hard to maintain a bit of expectation.

Anyways, I went and started commenting on some of my earlier readings, because in the work category and also in the travel portions of the readings...there is some "dead on stuff" there. So, some of it is for real, unfortunately.... just all the stuff about Cherub was wrong in it ever possibly developing into anything relationship-wise at all.

I really think he is icky anyway....I remember on the last day when we were in Vegas...his hot and cold attitude. Like he noticed me and then ignored me....as though I existed and then I didn't...it was fucking weird. He'd walk up to me and say something and then walk away. He asked me at one point if I was bored, I said, "Sorta". I asked him why he asked me that, cuz I wanted to know did I appear bored? I really don't like to wear my emotions such as boredom on my face. He told me, "I hadn't noticed, I was too wrapped up in my own issues." Can we all say "YUCK!" together? Really....he paid more attention to the guy his nephew called his "butt buddy". The same guy who was asking him for money to gamble--that is what I refer to as a leech! The whole episode disgusts me....the whole trip....all of it! Now that my hormones are mellowing, I am thanking God this guy did what he did and said what he did to me.

Hope I feel this way in the morning. Cuz I am really wanting it out of my system for good without further pain.

Never ever ....I hope all my lessons are learned and I never feel the need to put myself thru something with such emotional turmoil ever again!

End of what the fuck day

2009-02-23T23:04:00.000-08:00

So, all is not lost.

Well some of it is lost, but it has been lost for a long time and I have no intention of trying to figure out where the fuck I left it....whatever it was.

My friend "C" offered a room at her place if needed or a few hundred dollars if that would make the difference up in rent.

My friend "H' is offering space and of course, has decided she is my new chaperone or am I hers? She is at the very least my newly self-appointed activity Director, much to the surprise of two other friends who like control of my social schedule at least a couple nights a week.

My friend "K" would like me to move down by her, but my youngest is in high school still and I know running away never solved a damn thing, although being homeless doesn't either.

My friend "A" decided I could come up with some viral sorta ideas for his company.

My friend "M" as we know, told me "go forth and make it happen". (In other words this is actually a project)

Unemployment looks like it will continue for awhile, thank God...cuz who knows when the hell I will get paid.

My other friend "K" said I could move in with her....

And my friend "L" just tried to cheer me on and up!

My kids are funny, thankfully...whether they intend to be or not.

I don't feel any better though, well I take that back...I have stopped myself from being a sobbing mess for most of today...that is a step. None of it is stable, I know...I know...nothing in life ever really is...but I feel like I am skiing down a glacier at full speed or taking a dive into the bottom of an outhouse. Submerged is where I end up, so NOT interested in buying scuba gear anymore.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. And hopefully I will be one step closer to being over that asshole. Oops did I call him a name?

At least it dawned on me earlier that I do not want to hear from him now....even that little part of me that always wants the satisfaction...is of the belief that I need to be in a stronger place, as in "really" over him to make sure I never go back. If it happens too soon, (zoiks!) I may be persuaded like the puddle I am capable of melting into (sigh). Emotions are the retarded, red-headed stepchild in each of us (no offense to anyone who falls in that category--really--I mean none directly)...but emotions are their own thing--separate worlds from the intellect that is for sure!

I probably will never hear from him again (I really think there is a 90% chance of this)...and that makes me breathe a sigh too...afterall please remember, he did take his balls and ship them off to another country...

I think his balls are living it up and having a better time visiting the rest of the world, than the weak and wimpy ass they left behind. Never again.

First day of what the fuck am I doing with my life

2009-02-23T11:31:00.000-08:00

Nice subject line, eh?

I am not in a good space. I feel as though instead of having made forward motion, I have been sliding backwards. Think I am at about 18 years old now. Except with the baggage of someone much older.

I am not sure of where I am going to live. Looking at places to rent is more depressing than anything. I have such a good deal, it is hard to believe that I will again be forfeiting a lifestyle (not that I have much of one anymore), to accept even less. I keep thinking I hit the bottom....then the farther I fall.

I am supposed to start for M....I asked him when he wanted me to start, he said "now" so here I am. Have no idea the $$, nor do I know what I am doing! I mean, I do, but it is new doing it as a business for me.

I have no idea how much money I will have to move, if I can take my kids, if I will end up on someone's floor....and the heartache in the past 24 hours is again kicking my ass.

I figure at some point the pain will completely stop of having been used and discarded. But AT LEAST I am not living in any denial about it...I am taking it all at face value. I meant nothing to him and as the pain increases, I allow it...knowing at some point there will be an end to these feelings. And I will never revisit it again. I keep hoping each day I wake, that it is the last day of any emotion about that dunderhead. Although there are moments of relief, many of them in fact...it is the moments in which I am trapped in sorrow that I look forward to being rid of once and for all.

Going to sleep

2009-02-22T22:49:00.000-08:00

This has been a challenging day.

My life is irrevocably changing again, which after all of the clawing and fighting to maintain what I had built....it is really not a "fairy tale" ending.

But, part of me is ambivalent, worn out, beaten up and trying to maintain a sense of happiness.

I believe this new business could take off given the right amount of time and space, but on the other hand I am so jaded that until I hear from the "proposed client" and others he knows...I won't hold my breath.

I have been on the merry go round too many times.

I spoke with my friend K tonight. She is feeling finally over a man who she spent 5 years with, broke up with him for a variety of "smart" reasons, second-guessed herself a year later and wanted him back. For the next year, he managed to play games with her head. She finally is ready and wants the calm peaceful relationship, one which comes with someone who can and will commit--cuz they want to be there. Hmmm...sounds emotionally healthy, huh!

It is all I have time for at this point, but since I have so far been retarded in my own ability to decipher good from scary....I hope it surprises the hell out of me! A nice conversation with someone who can have a conversation....that would be engaging. I don't look for a guy to relate like a woman, but like a guy with a brain...ya know?

I will put anything that I attract to me here. Whether it is a job, work, vacation, money, a man, other people, friends, etc... I want to record it and hopefully the tide will turn and things will go in an upswing.

It would be fun to record all the gifts I am given!

Seriously...

2009-02-22T12:37:00.000-08:00

Well the song is still in my head.

I have no clue anymore. My landlord sent me an email telling me they listed the house I am in for rent. They are even thinking of a private sale. i wish I was in a position to buy it, but I can't even pay rent.

This is really tough.

Ran into my accountant this morning while walking...told him what I am thinking of doing, not sure he got it....but I have never run into him before...so maybe he can help?

Sent emails off to a few biz owners I know to see if they'd be interested.....and thus far who knows!?

My stomach is a goner. I have some issue....many girlfriends suffer from IBS and told me they believe I have that with my symptoms.

Things are just coming up roses. If I had insurance I would think of committing myself at this point with all the happiness being spread around.

I had no idea I'd be unemployed a year....from VP to homeless. Who knew?

Love will find you

2009-02-21T18:00:00.002-08:00

Shadows fill an empty heart

As love is fading,

From all the things that we are

But are not saying.

Can we see beyond the scars

And make it to the dawn?

Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to

The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you.

For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night,

Love will find you.

And so it goes on and on...this song has been stuck in my head for the past 24 hours. I don't know why. I woke up this morning with the specific part of it replaying over and over: What about now? What about today? What if you're making me all that I was meant to be? What if our love never went away? What if it's lost behind words we could never find? Baby, before it's too late, What about now? Now that we're here, Now that we've come this far, Just hold on. There is nothing to fear, For I am right beside you. For all my life, I am yours.

I cannot seem to make it go away, like OCD in my head!

I hate to even say it, because I really want to not write another word about Cherub.

But, before I heard from him toward the end of last year….this “artist” and his songs always reminded me of Cherub. And when we are on the ill-fated vacation, this song and two others of his seemed to play everywhere I went that week with him. WEIRD! Who cares though it doesn’t matter anymore.

I was delusional. I was desperate, how else can you love someone who doesn’t love you back?

Will my dreams ever come true?

2009-02-21T10:21:00.000-08:00

The seed of a new venture - perhaps as yet unseen. An opportunity to be met with boldness, vigor, and enthusiasm. The herald of birth, invention, or entrepreneurship. An innate and primal force released. May suggest a surge of vitality, creativity, or fertility that can set things in motion.

The song Mandy just came to mind by Barry Manilow. How strange. Maybe Cherub walked away when love was his--he never realized (or maybe he did) how happy I made him....and I know based on the type of connection we had and he tried denying in the end, he'll know it someday....that is so sad and unfortunate, it'd be great if these things happened in a timely manner, but they don't...

"Realizations" sometimes come on time, a little too late or never. So...it is always those three options...and I don't wonder which one anymore. It doesn't matter, what will be...will be.

Among a couple realizations this morning on my walk was that: hearing his words to me two weeks ago, no longer hold a sharp edge for me. I didn't feel the knife. I was notliking the words, but there was no longer an intensity of my emotion with it at all. I feel a loss and a bit of sadness, but we all make decisions for ourselves for whatever reasons. We decide what we think is right or best for us. He decided something different than I would have based on his feelings in that moment. He still hasn't resolved his relationship with his ex-wife, he may at some point or not. Maybe one day it'll no longer serve as an excuse or a barrier to love.

I just wish he would have decided this before ever reappearing in my life.

I have walked a different path in some aspects of my life.

Part of it to seek inner peace, part of it to try to be authentic to who I am and part of it headstrong thinking "this or that" will finally take me to where I want to go. Spiritually, I've spent many times wrestling with the path I walk. If things are not built on a solid foundation, they crumble....to either be rebuilt or demolished. The Universe does not give me the chance to take the easy way out.

I'm at a place where I know what my dreams are, but all the paths I've taken to get there have lead me back to square one.

I don't believe I am a victim or deserve it, cuz I know quite honestly; there are people who are dumber, angrier, more fractured-dysfunctional than I am, who get to realize their dreams. No one has to be perfect or even 70% functional to have good.

Today I've given up how to get there anymore. I don't really know how inner and outer success looks in work, love and money. I don't know what it takes to do it--cuz I thought I knew, but I don't .....cuz if I did, I wouldn't be here.

So as I walked today, I talked with the Universe, because the epiphany of realizing that I'm not even sure I'll recognize "good" or that maybe the "familiar" is something in which its not a good or bad (how about no label).And really, I can't chase after things, I can't allow myself to get swallowed up in "wanting" something so bad that it rules my life. And so, whatever is going to happen will happen. I just hope I recognize the good one. After last night, I really wonder if I'll have the energy. I slam no doors shut.

When I think of having to put energy out--I realize, I can't anymore. Sort ofa dichotomy. It'll come to me or it won't and so, its where I am. Maybe I can keep a running list of everything that comes to me daily? Whatever it is.

If I move, I move...it's not what I want right now, its a further step away from stability, but when you've done all you can and all you get are table scraps anyway......you figure, no table scraps....who needs them? I want a Ribeye.

So-I'll keep a belief the things I want are out there and they are coming here---to me. I want to be married by my birthday this year, have money as to not suffer and work that is good, all in the present moment. I don't know what it looks like. No attachment to any of it--cuz I don't know what's right anymore and I guess we'll see what sticks when it comes my way.

Maybe the Universe will finally send me the instruction manual?

It's morning

2009-02-20T11:37:00.000-08:00

Raw power. Health and physical fortitude. A surge of tremendous force. Recovery from sickness. Victory after apprehension and fear. The ability to face and overcome opposition brings the inner qualities of strength and forbearance. Delays and setbacks will be overcome.

So, the weirdness continues. M called at 7 this morning, more hyped out and excited than I have ever seen him about anything--a true entrepreneur. Heard from my landlord, he is coming by this afternoon.

I am okay...if I am out on my ass, I am out. Meanwhile, M has decided my new business for me. It is strange how natural it feels. It is strange that he told me has clients for me (just by mentioning what I will be doing for him) and that he is a prototype. It is another inexplicable thing in my life.

Who ever would have thought this would happen? Sent my ex-husband the info--he may now hire me to do this for him too. Weird. My friend's husband last night--weird too. I live in synchronicity with no explanation. Her husband "J", thinks its a great idea and has clients. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. Usually it is like a fucking bear hunt, where I have to go set traps or drag home the kill. Because I am born entrepreneur it was always "make things happen". Can't say it anymore....I feel it is out of my hands.

Maybe because I decided I had planted so many seeds, put energy out in so many directions and finally said "I give up".....that it is taking hold?

I am not completely on board. I have a wait and see sort of thought process. If it works out, then I will be a proponent of my own intuition. Then I will do readings for others again.

I already have decided what I will do as a therapist--no more than 20 patients a week, personality disorders only. And with a PhD in positive psychology--it will be a whole new approach. I truly crave the research....and because I have the personality where people feel comfortable with me right off the bat---doing therapy is second nature.

I had my first coaching client yesterday....that was easy too. Tonight I have a date with "A". Hmmm, it should at least be worth a laugh.

Nighty Night

2009-02-19T23:41:00.000-08:00

Just got in.

What a freakin' weird day! Where to begin?

Had my first coaching client this morning. A man who wants to switch jobs and lose weight. He sounds like I could help him, but then drops the "M" Bomb...money. He has to talk to his wife before continuing. Mind you, his therapist is the one who recommended he get in contact with me. So, we'll see...I gave him homework and sent him on his way.

Then I had the phone screwed in my ear with friends, my landlord was supposed to come over--kept answering my emails from two days ago and then decided he wasn't coming until after my meeting with "M"...had I known, I would have made plans for the time he allotted.

Had a rockin' meeting with M and his gang. They are so hyped and the possibilities are endless. Even though he is owner of his own firm, we have to sort of piecemeal this in...and he knows in time it will show up as successful and continue to be a BIG boon for their company.

So after that two hour meeting, thought I was meeting with my landlord, wrong again! I started working on my proposal for "M:, since he wanted things immediately. And my other female friend M rings...we had made plans, I with no gas or money was telling her "no"...she was pissed.

So, I said I could probably drive a couple miles and sure I'll meet her at 9:30 on a Thursday night (I am so the opposite of night owl)...meanwhile my other friends call...I am to go meet them at a local place, so now I'm out....and thinking, "okay".

I tell my friend and her husband about the meeting. He said he had been interested in what I was doing upon his wife telling him what I was doing. He suggested using different packages at the low and high end. Just start low and they'll ask for you to more for them.

He has interest and he could think of clients offhand who would too.

I called M told her where we were and to come join us. They had all never met, it was funny! We all were laughing. So, now I am home after a day of interesting things...nothing has changed yet...there is only the hope in the air right now.

A summary

2009-02-18T22:48:00.000-08:00

So...synchronicity. I will know very soon if there is really anything to it all.

I started updating the blog for my friend M, who I met with prior to leaving on vacation to hell. He definitely wanted me to work on being their "blogger" at that time. Then while I was out of town he sent me the budget, it will pay my electric bill for the most part. Beyond that--total joke!

So, last Friday I interviewed his partner for the blog...after forcing myself to release the knobs on the oven where I wanted to stick my head into at that moment.

Anyways, Monday was a holiday.

Tuesday rolls in. I get an email from "M" asking how it was going with the blog. How strange I think to myself. He never has cared or shown much interest in any small project I did for him over the years.

I always felt I have forced him to let me do work for him at times. Guess I am just worn out, cuz my desire to even do the blog is at a minus 30.

Weird synchronicity with him started around the same time as Cherub. My memory is horrible, but there was a while in which I kept thinking he and I should be working together, but then I was unsure and not really feeling he was interested in my doing work for them, etc...

BUT, I kept running into him. Weird shit--like Sunday morning at 6 a.m. I pull in to get gas before my run, and who is the only person there----HIM. I go to the grocery store one afternoon, after referring someone to him....and there he is in the aisle. A week later, same thing, different time. We asked each other if the other was staking one another.

On the street, we'd run into each other....I never understood and still don't the significance.

Until today, I am DEPRESSED--totally across the board, my entire life is affected. I go on my morning walk. Who do I run into? Yup! M....and he says, you need to call me. It wasn't weird enough yesterday that the emails I got from him were showing interest business wise....now I run into him. Then I think, he probably wants me to cancel the blog stuff.

I am walking and crying, I am going to have to move, my love life in tatters, no money even for gas or food, thinking everything I keep planting, pulling weeds, re-seeding, etc...for months and truly remaining non-attached most of the time (good luck if you can achieve this all the time)...has gotten me to the bottom of the barrel.

I went home and wrote to my landlord, still haven't heard back...anyways, I am jumping around.

So, I go home and cry more. I gave it all up to the Universe, the burden of carrying it anymore. I can't do it. I am not that strong. And I would say prior to the trip with cherub, my ability to see the bright side and truly believe in the good was about 25 out of 30 days a month. Not bad.

So...I get an email from his partner, all excited about the blog. He also mentions that M wants me to do something else for them too. I am thinking, oh goody....another project at way below cost?

So, I stop crying trying to clear my clogged nose and call him.....voice mail.

I figure "whatever", two seconds later I get an email with subject line: i have work for you.

Hmmmm...I email back, we end up chatting on the phone, he wants to do something I told him about 6 months ago. Now he wants me to do a presentation at their staff meeting in the afternoon tomorrow. No problem.

If this turns out to be anything, maybe there is something to running into him. Maybe synchronicity is alive and well in my life. And maybe with Cherub it was more of a fluke?

THE REASON I SAY SYNCHRONICITY AT ALL? Well, in running into him a bunch of times and IF this truly works out......IT IS MY FUCKING PROFESSIONAL FUTURE!!!!!!!

That's why! It is a niche, it is something I thought "How would I offer to do this for someone?" and "M" took it a step further....and has now rounded out exactly how this service I do is now going to be a business. He is more convinced than me.

And without him, it may not ever have a chance to come to fruition. Just remember SMO and SMM. That'll be me with many, many clients....IF this all goes North.

I may be living out of a box doing it, but as long as I have a laptop, electiricty and wifi or somethin'.....I can do it!

first meeting

2009-02-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

When he was telling me how I wasn't the woman for him...and that all those times he said we'd end up together...he doesn't remember. He also mentioned how he remembered when we met and how cute he thought I was....wow a wave of sadness just washed over me.

Emotions don't matter...I have no idea what my original intent was in writing this....just that it is a shame how much baggage can destroy things before they even get off the ground. And why? Who doesn't want love or happiness? Who?

It's an ongoing struggle

2009-02-16T11:02:00.000-08:00

Pain sweeps thru my being in waves. It is not consistent, but when it comes it leaves me breathless. I flash on moments of the trip....the moments of him saying how I made a certain food for everyone and he gets "all" the leftovers, because I made them with my love, my love was in the ingredients and therefore it was his to take.

Or that night as we were driving the RV down the road and he said he was tired....and I said, "Can I do anything to keep you awake?"...and he said, "rub his neck". I thought it would put him to sleep, but he said it would keep him awake.

Less than 24 hours later, I am being told that I was not the one for him and would never be. Most days since that conversation I do not spend the majority of my time, re-living it....I instead allow the pain to envelope me, hoping the next wave will be less intense and that eventually it will recede altogether.

I know in those moments, I am still struggling. In those moments, I miss him SO much! But, then I know that I cannot ever allow him back in my life again. I cannot go through this sort of pain again for anyone. I don't desire another unhealthy relationship. I won't ever put up with having a man in my life and have it be a mystery or based on assumptions. It will need to be clear and understood.

I keep having moments of being at the house and the pull I felt toward him...the feeling of him being "the one", with moments of wanting to run very far away from him on this trip.

I will probably never understand what happened at all. And honestly my ability to keep analyzing this shit, has worn thin. I am becoming more apathetic and have my fingers crossed it will become my distant past very soon.

Longer than usual

2009-02-15T23:10:00.000-08:00

Today has been a long day emotionally.

Last night was a blast, we were up til 2:30 in the morning. I had 8 females here including myself...lotsa wine, laughter and food. My one friend "H" had promised to make me laugh and as she said come out of the rabbit chute with my finger leading the way...as in flipping the bird everywhere and to everything.

Between cherub and my bank account being overdrawn with no money in sight...I am wanting to flip out.

I had to take a midterm in my Adolescent Psychology class today. I was so anxious. It was hard to stay focused. I did it and got a 92 out of 100. I just had another glimpse of cherub and I on the ski trip, him falling over as he skied into me getting off the lift, us sitting on a different chair lift, feeling close to him...skiing to him as he waited for me. Him acting like he was my boyfriend and then the pull away emotionally...feeling it and wondering what changed, only to have him staring at me and moving my hair aside as he looked at my eyes and was entranced by the color.

It flattens me, those moments hurt like a knife in my heart. He doesn't love me, he can't imagine a life with me...I am 99% of what he wants in a woman, but I am missing that 1% that makes him want to chase me to the ends of the earth. It makes no sense. When he first dated me, he had weird moments of chasing me...followed by other weird moments of almost nonexistence.

He said he will look for someone just like me. How fucked up is that sentence? He said I am everything he is looking for in someone.

I never got a straight answer out of him....he never said why he came back. I asked, he had a response that made no sense nor took any responsibility.

There are hours in the day when I feel okay....and then others when I want to curl up in a ball. I was so WRONG! I thought our connection was mutual and that he felt the same way about me. I felt so stupid and told him that--I am not that out of touch with myself. I know when someone is in to me. But, maybe this time I had deluded myself into believing he felt the same way.

I never closed the door on attracting in a good guy for me and in those moments I feel a certain giddiness and happiness. I know that the man who I marry will be consistent, stable and know how he feels in regard to me.

What am I going to do about work? I am soooooooooooo freaked out! it has been a year and I am still unemployed! I am behind on my rent. I am guessing my landlord is gonna tell me it is time to move out.

He was supposed to give me work, but he keeps dicking around...and I am not interested in this anymore. I have had to chase table scraps. I keep looking under every rock and stone. I keep looking in the clouds and on the street....nothing materializes. I talk to many, but nothing goes anywhere.

It is all too much for me...I have stopped paying some bills now, so my credit will totally take a shit. I can't stop the train. I guess I shouldn't have told cherub to go fuck himself. I need those tires for my car.

God. I really hate moments like this one....I miss him so much! it will pass, but holding that feeling and wanting to run out into traffic---not healthy.

Holidays suck ass

2009-02-14T12:11:00.000-08:00

I don't give a fuck on the one hand. On the other, the connection is still there.

I tell myself it is me. It is no longer him. The feeling deep in my core must be self-generated and I keep asking the Universe for insight. I keep asking for guidance so as to keep releasing him, not become bitter and hold onto my power. Along with what do I need to do create the life I want?

I am tired of this old life. I have been working for so long and to see there are no fruits to my labor is depressing. I keep talking myself into not being in the cesspool...I don't want a man I can't respect, one who is so weak, afraid and selfish. He is not the sweet soul I thought him to be...maybe he shouldn't be cherub, but Beelzebub instead? that's too long to write.

Why do I feel I am going to end up with him SO strongly right now? I am not wanting it, my intellect thinks the rest of me has done left the building. My friends would roast me alive if I ever entertained even a friendship with him. And frankly I don't want one...it is just this weird feeling of being connected that I must continue to let go of.

And if my thoughts return to him..it is that either he is Borderline, Passive Aggressive, Commitment-phobic or some other personality disorder. It is fitting that in my Abnormal Psychology class this week that it is personality disorders we are studying...and if he is BPD--there is no way he will ever be okay. They have one of the worst prognosis for overcoming their disorder. My therapist God love her....if she would have given me a way of coping for me that does not make him the object--I'd feel better.

It doesn't matter what is wrong or right with him...it has to be put back on me, I live with me, I want certain things in my life. I have only "me"....he left the building. And if I wouldn't have told him to fuck himself, that I hated him and never wanted to talk to him again...along with slamming the door in his face--God knows how I'd be sitting here trying to be his friend. I would be suffering like I did in the past--wondering, feeling that icky feeling in my gut.

I at least took my power back and "yes" I know getting over someone and all the delusions I had about him is a two steps forward one step back process (or whichever way that is).

His addiction issue I will say as a future Psychologist is just a symptom of what is wrong with him. I believe a lot of addictions are just symptoms and after spending a week with two in recovery--I can say they definitely have underlying issues--we all know you have to dig deep to yank at those roots. You have to pull hard until they loosen.

Sometimes

2009-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

I really believe I have screwed up as of today.

I think I allowed what the psychics told me to help me to believe that this man loved me. I think I have been stupid and delusional. He is a man who is in a lot of pain and as long as he in pain, he will share and cause pain. There can be no love in its presence.

He told me things in the past which included the word love, ending up together, being together at some point....and in the end last year, saying it was him not me when asked point blank. He even said if we would have met in high school we'd still be together.

Prior to that there was a day where he called me a million times, had to hold me in his arms...and got to...telling me we needed to have our kids on the same custody schedule, and how we'd be together and I'd be able to give him advice on his kids, we'd have all sorts of time together...until after initmacy that day. Then he freaked, telling me he couldn't do a relationship now, but that he really liked me a lot...and that didn't mean in the future he couldn't do a relationship...just not that day.

And then another day telling me how he hadn't been looking for a relationship...and then he met me and I threw a wrench into the whole thing, but of course I guess in looking back....I was getting mixed messages.

Or him telling me one day that I wasn't important, that I didn't matter to him yet. (I am so brokenhearted as I write this....and its my own fault.) Only to call me two weeks later and tell me that I am important to him and he does love me. He just couldn't do a relationship, but wanted to keep dating me...he didn't want me out of his life.

I found it unacceptable and left. He and I didn't speak for 3 weeks, until I called to tell him I had an epiphany--that I had commitment issues and needed to clean things up in the past before going forward. All he heard was "my voice"and how much he missed me, and was so glad to hear my voice and my laugh once again. He called me repetitively after that....and wanted to date, but not be in a relationship. I said "friends only"......

But....there came a point in which it was just a mess.

And not to continue down memory lane....he said a couple of weeks ago that what he said in the past no longer mattered....it was "now" and as he had been told he "wasn't the one" from his ex-fiance....I wasn't the one, so he understood how it felt. (sick fucker)

Those items put in the "concoction" also helped to build my belief that he had feelings for me.

Now that I have put my tail between my legs and realized I was just a "warm body"....I know I will never be that again in this lifetime.

I also know I had a major epiphany. As I tossed and turned last night, it dawned on me that I always worry about the guy being happy....not that I shitcan my feelings entirely, but I have a thing about being worthy to love.

I guess when I look at the "connect the dots". I always struggled for my Dad's attention and love. I never felt I had either for a variety of reasons. I guess I choose the situations which are tough....and hope to navigate my way thru, before I have had enough and walk away.

That is so dumb and a waste of time. I have no desire to engage in that sort of behavior or relationship again. It is about me too. How do I feel? Are my needs being met? Am I at my best or worst around this person? What does he offer besides money? Does he offer love, kindness, generosity of heart?

In this instance "no", he offered money with an expectation of control. He offered some kindness, but did a dance like the "hokey pokey" all week or I should say whenever he was in my life.

I think he didn't miss me. I think he came back around cuz he was bored or curious. He was curious to see if he walked away from something worth having and found it wasn't worth it to him.

I wasn't willing to do what he did, what else did I want? A miracle?

I want something I have never had in a relationship. I can't expend this sort of energy again. I don't ever care to hear from him or see him again. I have had enough doses of pain to last a lifetime. And I imagine he has a long road ahead of him filled with lotsa pain.

The point of pain has been won, there is no more curiosity on my part to explore what my psyche needed...the peace I feel inside when I think of someone who is not in the throes of holding onto toxicity....feels good, I hope he comes soon.

I pray this is the last lesson in pain I go through with a man.

The epilogue

2009-02-07T08:44:00.000-08:00

Ugh. A million times, "UGH"!

What a nightmarish week ending with a crash and burn emotionally that I could not see coming. I am going to do my best to keep yesterday's conversation to a condensed version.

Told him when he got the call from his son that lying never worked and hoped he never lied to me...he said he never would, but I think he would...he thinks he stays out of a confrontation that way.....he's so stupid.

I went up on the RV loft to talk to him. Thought I'd start with how we ran into each other and how the whole time I had tried to avoid him. He said, he thought I looked pissed off when he'd see me.

He tells me he does not share my feelings. He does not have those type of feelings for me at all.

I am not the one. I never will be, he cannot imagine us together in the future at all.

He asked me to go on the trip, he didn't have a plan, he thought we'd be friends.

Then he contradicted: saying he was hoping something would evolve with us. He was looking for the thing which would make him take all the steps necessary to move his life forward in so far as dealing with kids, ex-wife, etc... that intense compulsive feeling which makes someone want to slay dragons. (Nice if I had been in on this one)

He doesn't love me, not in love with me at all. He never was (I didn't hear him right 8 months ago apparently) and he thinks I'm 99 percent of what he wants; its the 1 percent compulsive childish, intensity that's missing. He also said, he knows we have a connection, but it's missing that little zing. (He is so full of shit--there always has been plenty of ZING)

He said, remember I told you I wasn't the man for you all those months ago. I said, I asked you if I was the woman for you and you said yeah, but it was timing. You said all these great things about how a relationship should be and that was what we had. He said, "I saved the text" if you want to see...then said he was kidding (asshole). He also does not remember the conversation either.

He said his ex-fiance loved him at one point, but he had to listen to her tell him that "he wasn't the one for her" and so, he has been in my shoes. she was a sick person (but he has conveniently forgotten this for the sake of the conversation), she was now idealized as was the relationship. He said I don't compare to her or his ex-wife in how he felt for me. (asshole)

He's in a lot of therapy. Getting over a sex addiction (although he said it wasn't porno--ummm...wow, what does that leave? ick) and being a borderline alcoholic. What was weird is I felt like I was talking to someone else. He went onto say it was all of his issues, that he is complicated, but really simple and really is a nice guy (I should've known you never trust a nice person). he kept saying, everything would've probably been okay had we not slept together....

He wants to remain my friend. We can go out and do things, since neither of us is seeing anyone seriously. He has fun with me and likes me. He said he now has to go find someone just like me, that is if he even wants a relationship now and he doesn't. But, he may in the future and then again maybe he will be alone, but it will be so hard for him to find someone just like me and for me to find someone just like him (which I said--uh, no thanks)...he was ridiculous, all over the map.

He is happy with his life and everything in it. He still has feelings for his ex-wife, whom he left cuz his therapist told him to....and so there is all sorts of resentment from her about that and of course, because she feels he stole her youth. He said she vowed to never get married again and especially not to him. He says she is working on her issues, so if she wants to get back together he wants to be open for that--cuz if he was with me and she wanted him--he'd have to dump me. (asshole--by the way I said this word aloud several times with the word "fucking" in front of it). He said he knows they'll never get back together, she stopped loving him after the first 10 years of their marriage--must have been when she cheated on him....but was not in love with him. (he sounds like a commitment-phobic, emotionally unavailable asshole to me)

I also said he was SELFISH over and over. He told me that he had warned me of that...idiot.

He kept wanting me to say this trip was great and that it was worth it!! He said we weren't really dating beforehand so there wasn't that expectation.....of a relationship. I said it was unclear as to what expectations there were...although his telling me we could pretend to be married last Sunday, was definitely stupid.

At one point he said he could see us together if there was no ex-wife and kids, but then a bit later says he never said that.

I told him how I don't vew dating and relationships the same way, how my hairdresser had dated someone sort of like "duty dated" and realized 6 months into it-that she was in love with the guy. I said, I am looking at it all as taking time and being open to people i would not have in the past, since my things was always to be sexually driven. He then said maybe he needs to get knocked around more by crappy relationships, before he is ready for me. (I almost told him how in discounting sex as a major part of a relationship--I had settled for him--cuz GOD knows he is the worst SELFISH lover I have had since I was a teen--we had chemistry--that was it).

He was fucking crying cuz he was sad AFTER he told me all of those horrible things.Why would you cry when you have said some of the meanest and non-emotional things to someone who you apparently don't feel will EVER be someone you want to be with. Who would cry, but a disconnected jackass! He then tells me, don't wait for me, but if we're both single in 5 years, maybe that could be the time for us to be together. (crack pipe anyone?) And I told him, NO WAY!

I told him about my collage and how the house we stayed in up in the snow, looked just like the one in my intentions on my collage (the vacation portion--came true--law of attraction at its best). I told him I made a vow to be married this year and not to him. I told im there were things I did not like about him at all. He said he couldn't marry me by my birthday (he listens well) it wouldn't be him, but maybe in 5 years. He said he wanted to be clear over and over and that I'm not the one. He repeated that over and over.

He told me he wasn't confused or scared, it was just I'm not the right one. So, really....not scared buddy? O-k-a-y.

I told him I felt so stupid--I'm normally not that out of touch with myself and that it was odd that I was under the impression he had the same feelings for me. He said I wasn't "stupid"...I am one of the smartest people he knows, blah, blah, blah and I stopped him and said--Oh I know I am smart and a great person...I just feel like I lived in lala land.

He just continues to sabatoge his own happiness in such painfully obvious ways. He sabotaged this with me...thought he was clearing up part of his mess, because he had to deal with his ex-wife and kids...so of course, get the meaningless bitch out of the way and it will all be okay.

There was more....mostly the same---very insulting to me almost like he enjoyed it--like it was an ego boost. He kept saying, "feelings change" and I am not in love with you, I can't see it--you are not it for me.

WELL...guess what? We were only in Riverside at this point, as he left me up in the loft to go below with everyone else. I had at least another hour of hell in the prison on wheels. I wanted to jump! I started texting my girlfriends...one who said she'd come over when I got home. The other who said he is fucking nuts get a way from him! He is crazy and an asshole! (duh).

As people were dropped off...it was down to me, him and techie...asshole asked me something and I gave him a bitchy answer. Techie looked at me and I was flipping the asshole off. He started texting asking me what happened.

I told him as much as one can through text. He told me that cherub does this shit with other people, including clients. He said cherub is an emotional wreck and that I was better off forgetting him--he uses people all the time is what I was told. And better to know now rather than later...as he himself is trying to get the hell away from him (he lives with him!!!)

There was more, but it didn't make me feel better. Techie is cool, never had a problem with him.

So, as we got closer to my house...and that ass thinks he is cute..."Next stop, my city". So, I get all my stuff out and he sees me and says to wait til we get there and he'll get everything. I ignore him and continue to clear my stuff out and leave the sunglasses he gave me behind. He stops the RV and comes toward me. He is trying to get my stuff...techie already grabbed the bigger stuff.

I turned aorund looked at the asshole and said, "I HATE YOU, YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF, and I NEVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!"...he grabbed stuff out of my hands to carry, cuz of course I'm dropping my laptop. He follows me to my door...holds open the screen door...I take one quick glance at him and slam the door in his face...all I remember is his eyes grew very large.

Techie text messaged me later--he ended up working that night and said that Cherub's ex-wife was busy yelling at him. What a complete moron.

All done and over

2009-02-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

This afternoon was an ending.

I am home now.

I was blown away by the immensity of what was said to me. I am so blown away that I will write what I can about it tomorrow. I am still in shock. I seriously am delusional.

It hurts. Yet, I feel empowered. I should have thought something was up when after sex in the morning, he went to the bathroom and went to the front of the RV instead of coming back.

We went to breakfast where he said we were all going home today. He needed to get back to work. He was still present at breakfast, but it felt a little strange. We were driving to Vegas and I'm in the front seat--feeling stonewalled for conversation. So, I start asking questions...what is your favorite color? Food? Where do you want to visit in the world? He answers.

I ask him if he wants to know anything about me. He says "No, I am sure I will figure those things out in time." Alrighty then!

It wasn't fun. I am looking forward to being home at this point. We get to Vegas and he is distant from me, then he comes up to me as I have completely backed off...and asks me if I need money to gamble, etc... and then we go to another casino. He comes up and puts his arm around me and asks if I am bored? I say kinda, just don't know what we are doing, it changes every two seconds.

We're in the casino and he asks me what I think of the two friends who he has issues with Dickhead and Techie? I say one bosses you around (there is way more that I could say on a level of freaky, freaky relationships--Cherub and Dickhead are just fucking weird) and the other doesn't really bother me. He was defensive and said he doesn't do everything Dickhead tells him to do. (I pretty much get I am the only person in his life who is honest with him and who isn't after his money--I am the "good" thing he has been blessed to have here). This older guy "Dickhead"...had the audacity to ask Cherub for money to gamble and when he said "No", Dickhead stormed off!

Anyways, I told Cherub a bit later that I am not interested in judging him or his friendships and I apologize for sticking my opinion in where it doesn't need to be (I would never ask that opinion from someone else of any of my friends--who cares what someone else's judgment is, right?). He said, "Well what do you think of my "blood"?" Meaning his nephew and fiance. I say I love them to pieces--they are great, cuz they are...sweet kids. He says "good" it is more important for you to get along with them and like them, then the other two....he then says the other two are on their way out of his life. I thought...okay, the man is interested in me getting along with his family. He continues to state future sort of things.

I was hanging with his nephew and fiance in the casino....his nephew referred to Cherub and Dickhead as "butt buddies". After a week of weird crap, we were all pretty fed up with the power Dickhead appeared to weild. I get that Cherub buys everyone in his life. I thought it was weird that no one on the trip was at his level in their life, career or finances. Not one person. I guess he establishes control in that way. Or some semblance in his head of control.

As we are leaving the casino, the shit is now starting to hit the fan!

He says to me, my son called. He saw the pix on FB that one of the people on the trip posted of me and Cherub in the jacuzzi. He said his son was angry with him for lying and that his siblings and Mom know too.

Cherub says, his kids are the most important priority in his life. I say, why did you lie? I told you it was wrong to lie about this...why can't they know about me? Why is it an "either or" situation? He says they are still fucked up from his last relationship. And he doesn't want to hurt them!

So, then we are in the RV and I say to him, "Ya know you can change the past and let everyone heal (as my gut is doing flip flops--cuz I know I about to be the one to be hurt)" If your kids met a nice person who was good to them and you, then they'd see things could be good. I continue talking about my peace inside and how I have changed patterns and habits fromt he past...how I have made new choices and they lead me to living differently." He looks at me and says , "I know, that is what I am going to do...I will handle the situation."

And my stomach fell to the floor.

I will save the rest of this for tomorrow. He decided not to drive anymore a few minutes later and left me in the front...ignored me and then I was ready to implode, so I went to the very back of the RV. Alone--I was coming unglued, I knew I would be the sacrificial lamb.

So, after an hour...I went to seek him out, I figured if I am getting dumped, I'd rather know now, then wait to hear "nothing" by him falling off the face of the Earth. I know the quicker I resolve this the closer I am to having the "man I am going to marry in my life". PLUS--I felt my loss of power, I felt totally icky and like I was gonna have a panic attack.

The conversation tomorrow.

This evening my friend K came by, the other guy "techie" on the trip wanted to take me out for drinks, since he knew what happened. I just was trying to keep my equilibrium. I called "Bev" for a reading.

This is the woman who told me 97% she saw me ending up with him.... um yeah.

Bev's reading:
I ask: Is what he said the truth? Is it how he really feels?

She says it is difficult to pick this up tonight, hmmmmm, something is not reading right. She says, "Quick answer--No he didn't mean what he said, however there is depression around it." Wasn't telling me the truth--he's not saying what he is feeling. Not going to call it a lie--it's self deception mixed in it--talking he's in the right direction.

I ask: How does he feel about me? She says the truth will be revealed--he thinks I am spectacular, I am great. She tells me to relax a little (Uh, yeah right). She says he needs to blow through this depression.

I ask: What does it look like in 1 month between he and I? Passion, karma, very strange place for him--he's letting go of someone in the love arena. He's letting go . It's doubtful he's dumping me. It looks deadly serious. He's letting go of love. I say it "must be me he is letting go of".... she says "no it is not me".

I ask: Is he gone for good? words don't match actions, not logical--bliss card with passion comes up. I kicked him in the psyche. We'll be back together in a month--won't even take that long. Great BIG 180 turn. He's cutting his nose off to spite his face. He'll mull it over--he's lying to himself.

I ask: Am I gonna hear from him? Hear from him next week. He really didn't think it through. Hear from him in next couple of weeks. He is eating his words now internally. Sense in spite of his strong words, she feels it is not OVER. In the Summer, it will be my choice.

I will be surprised (I finally tell her what happened)

I'm letting go of the past. Breaking with past. Meeting someone new, who can give me what I need. Cherub cares a lot more about me than he says. What I said to him kicked him into a new level at the time.

Over next 2 months: This relationship requires friendship. He is re-evaluating. He will make an effort to be in the relationship. My choice to go forward. He's really, really gonna miss me. Passion connection came up. It's gonna be hard for him-he really admires how powerful I can be. Confusion-yes then no. There's this one strong connection, I can't do anything about it. Internally--he can't let me go. It's not over. My anger is not over. 3 days to blow through it.

He's in a funk. The angels think it is hysterical. Hearing from him he'll be wanting my friendship.

Will he ever say how he feels about me? He is going to admit how feels and let go of the past real soon. It opens up the door for him to be real. Strong, powerful cards on the relationship. fair and balanced. Keep up the good work. Hold onto my position and power.

Will we end up together? Forget it...it's over, move on for me...there's a new guy coming in (HELLO! It's about fucking time!)

What I love is how this went from a sure thing in her eyes to "move on, he ain't worth it, he's not the guy".

Wonder what she'll be telling me in a couple of months? LOL!

Way back down the country

2009-02-05T23:49:00.000-08:00

So, bumping along in the back of an RV.

We're headed homeward with a detour. Thought we may stop elsewhere and go skiing, but it was decided we would spend time in Vegas.

Not sure what the whole deal is with Cherub.

No sex last night, he came to bed, said he was tired and stayed the hell away from me. I really hate having a wall with someone. I know it comes from two places. One--my unease and discomfort, because I don't know where I stand...and the other is the "wall" I feel from him in wanting to communicate.

This is unhealthy, yet intriguing.

He stayed with me skiing today. He said he was going to help fine tune me and was excited cuz we were going to Vegas and seeing a show, blah, blah, blah.

No in-depth conversations.

The controlling person on the trip met up with us, changed our direction and we ended up elsewhere on the slopes. He was in control. I forgot what happened, but I yelled at them both after 4 days of this bullshit...."Do either of you two fucking listen?" I felt better, because I got a response and I just started speaking my mind to a point. I told him I had never been around a group of people who know how to communicate less. I also told him he was all over the map, I had no idea where he was at, etc...

I should have just slept on the couch the whole time, but we have chemistry so it is hard. Anyways, he was all sorts of happy to me...saying how I should know him well by now (sure) and claiming the lunch leftovers I made, because he decided I made them with 'my" love for him and that he was the sole beneficiary.....and announced this to everyone on the trip. He went from treating me like I was nonexistent, to his girlfriend, to his buddy to God knows what!

This has not been very fun. Glad I can ski again, but other than that this trip has been boring and no one seems to want to converse about anything real. He had me sit next to him about an hour ago and massage his neck, he was getting tired and said that would help him stay awake. He gave me a BIG hug earlier and was all excited.....I know the man told me two days ago that he was a bad communicator....and I know that about him....but still!!!!

I feel like I constantly have to communicate....except it is uncomfortable. NEVER AGAIN!

I just want to get home and away from him, so I can ground myself and sort of let things fall where they may.

Superbowl Sunday

2009-02-01T21:39:00.000-08:00

Well, I am taking a few minutes to write here.

We stopped for breakfast in some city a few hundred miles from our destination. It was good, very small town and more ahead of the curve then you would think.

We traveled on and my daughters were on the phone with me. Their Dad was taking them dirt bike riding and to a SuperBowl Party. Cherub had been saying over and over they should have come or he should have given them money. Nice of him....whole thing is surreal to me.

He liked me sitting next to him in the RV as he drove. He was not talkative, not just with me but anyone...he really doesn't have conversations...actually no one has much of a conversation except his nephew. He's a really nice kid. Cherub asked if they liked me, and he said "yes, we think she is cool." Cherub said, "Everyone likes her", with a smile. They went on about how cool I was, blah, blah, blah.

Of course the guy who lives with him...we hit it off to begin with, he's cool. The other guy, he's just freakin' weird! We had an argument this evening about alcoholics. I won't get into the details, but I was coming from a different perspective of "psychology", he was being over-protective about what works for him...and i said it doesn't work for everyone--doesn't make them bad or wrong, it's just maybe there is another solution out there for those people.

Meanwhile back to earlier in the day....we were almost to the grocery store and I said I brought a healthy cookbook. Cherub decided I should cook some recipes out of there...I was very happy to oblige, it made me feel better about being a freeloader.

He was teasing me at the store and afterwards...and then he said something strange, the guy who lives with him was pissing him off cuz he wasn't helping.....so he wanted me to say something to him when we were going back to the RV. I thought that was weird. Why do I need to say something? Why couldn't he just say something instead? I blew it off and said nothing.

We barely made it to the house with 15 minutes to spare before the Super Bowl. Cherub put my suitcase and stuff in his room....and said, "We can pretend to be married for the week"....um, wow, okay.....what do you say?

I made guacamole...and Cherub and I ate almost all of it between ourselves.

I watched the SuperBowl and he was talking to me between yelling over his excitement (he ended up winning a bet in Vegas on the Super Bowl). He wants to take me all over the place....hockey games, wine tasting, etc... I said, "You promised to do the hockey in the past"...he said "I know" and now I will plus more. Hmmmm....okay, well this is just interesting. He was excited that I like Football (unfortunately, I start yelling at the tv too, can't help it).

So...then control guy is going to BBQ steaks for us all, his nephew and fiance went to bed. They were tired form lack of sleep. The guy who lives with him was just pissing him off for breathing at this point.

At one point during the game in fact, everyone left Cherub and I, taking off to the clubhouse. When they came they said they wanted to give us time alone. I showed Cherub my FB account and pictures...he liked looking at them.

He was acting like we were a couple...I am just trying to play it cool at this point...I am not sure what I want and so I am observing him. He is passive aggressive....wow! He got really angry though and actually yelled at the guy who lives with him, cuz he left the tv on downstairs. Actually they both are passive aggresive. Cherub mentioned how he is paying for everything....

And I am painfully aware he paid for everyone to be here and how strange that is at our age not to have friends who could or would afford it on their own.

We were unpacking more and I noticed he took all the dresser drawers but one...I asked him where I was supposed to put my clothes, he tells me that he was selfish and sorry...he then tried to find me somewhere to put my stuff too.

So....it has been a nice first evening in this place...except for these hints of a personality that is so far unfolding in front of me, hmmmm? I am a little pulled back here.

Sex four inches in the air

2009-01-31T17:13:00.000-08:00

Had to go there.

Last night a quickie while the RV was rolling down the road to Vegas....actually most of the time with cherub, they are all pretty quick.

We have chemistry...which is why, even if it doesn't last long and is not as satisfying as it could be, i am still okay. I know I will never have what I did with my one ex. That would be hard to top in all aspects.

He and I ran around Vegas...he got a haircut and I window-shopped. He talked about us coming back there, just the two of us to have fun! I am game. Thanks to the impulsive people who gave birth to me, I tend to love to just pick up and roll!

It is weird though...I feel connected, but there is a lot of silence. I was hoping that things would be a bit more "fun" on that level. Like friends hanging out, but maybe as the week progresses it will get better?

We're on the road again...funky weather everywhere, hopefully we'll be okay as we drive this monster onward into the night.

It's late

2009-01-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

Welp....life is weird.

I am on my way to a week of not knowing what the hell to expect!

I get picked up....and find out cherub went out of the country over X-Mas. Am guessing with his ex-wife and kids for some reason. The guy who lives with him had no idea we had been out of contact for 8 months. Cherub mentions running into me all the time and how it was so funny!

I bite my lip and refrain from getting into my avoidance of him. His roomie had no idea, think it is weird that he thought we were communicating all these months.

So, we go eat and cherub is very interested in me and what I have to say....okay.

Then we pick people up.

Pick up the first guy, he is not well.

Pick up the next two and cherub tells me how happy he is to have me there and is holding my hand and jumping up and down in his seat.

The two people we pick up are his family members who were at the ski rental place, but were not introduced to me...cuz of the weirdness of it all. So, I tell cherub he made it weird for everyone...and then he says his son had sent him a message earlier saying he knew I was going and that was why he didn't want his son going. Cherub lied again. He also told his son (who has a broken limb) that the reason he wasn't going was his broken limb. DRAMA!

So, I go to the restroom...next thing I know the ailing guy has grabbed my seat---I come back and stand for a minute--he ignores me...he ain't giving it up. He doesn't say "excuse me, do you mind?" or anything polite.....now, I find this rude.

I figure out a seat, then cherub asks me to come sit next to him on the floor space next to him...he said he prefers me there anyways and is happy to have me so he can hold my hand.

Time for bed...uh oh...cherub and I are sharing a bedroom and a bed. What will happen? ;-)

D-Day

2009-01-30T18:51:00.000-08:00

Well...it is THE day! I am packing away.Running around getting last minute crap done, including going to the gym with my middle child....she likes to go everyday. Such a committed gal!

Cherub called. Wondering what I was doing and if I was ready to go...I asked what to do with my car and my concern with leaving it parked anywhere for a week, because I have a tire going flat.

He told me to bring it to the tire shop next door to his office. Use the remaining money he gave me and repair the tire. Okay...not a problem. Plus he tells me he wants to go for a run with me too. So...no problem again.

I bring my laptop, go to the tire place...they say 30 minutes til its done. Meanwhile one of cherub's guys comes over, the one I know...he says I need all 4 tires...I know, but what can you do! I have no money for that at all.

So...go back to his office, ask where I can plug in, he points a cross the street to the RV, huh? Nowhere in his office, but I can go across the street...then I notice out of the corner of my eye...his son is there! I don't acknowledge him....not worth it, this is just getting stupid.

I feel like I am having an affair or doing something illicit. YUCK!

I go to the RV to wait for my car. I work on my laptop doing homework. I go back to the tire place without going in his office again. Car is ready...text cherub a "thank you"...and I am in my car.

He asks, where I am at...I say in front of the office...no answer. I tell him I am headed to run. No answer. So much for a run!

As I write this I am waiting for him to arrive, he finally text messaged 30 minutes ago saying they'd be here in 10, then 15, then 30 minutes later.

Oops....there he is...off I go!

Contact

2009-01-29T22:27:00.000-08:00

I know my husband is coming to me....I know I have not met my husband yet. Thank you Universe for sending him to me, I am grateful.

I cannot wait til he shows up in my life, because he will be the first "functional" relationship I have ever had---woohoo!

I feel like I will be stepping into quicksand this next week, no idea what to expect, but starting the trip off with last night's weirdness doesn't bode well for me.

I wonder sometimes if I will ever have sex like I did with my ex-boyfriend. I really didn't appreciate it as much back then (although it made me hang out a LOT longer than I would have otherwise)...the two people since him, including cherub pretty much don't even rate. They are on the list with my teenage sex experiences--that I experienced in spurts of hurried public places...some sort of a thrill, but the actual act.....I could have toasted a bagel. Actually toasting the bagel may have taken longer than the actual act with these two.

Woops...getting sidetracked ;-)

Anyways--cherub made mention of me going to the grocery store last night. So, texted to find out if that was still the case. Nope...not necessary...good for me! I had business meetings to attend to anyways. I am supposed to be landing more work and it looks like I will be from two different clients.

Yes...nice going away gift! And I am scrambling to get as much homework as I can completed today, so I am not stressing.

Cherub calls, he went and picked up his RV and was again excited that I am coming along on the trip. He says I can cook, clean and do his laundry....I said, I think it is the other way around and he agrees. He then said he will put a special list on my pillow...ummm, okay.

We talk awhile and start debating "luck". And then figure we'll have plenty of opportunities to discuss in person for a week, right?!

So, I go to sleep thinking, maybe...just maybe I am going on this trip.

Here on Earth

2009-01-28T21:10:00.000-08:00

Well...he always figures a way to disappoint me. We leave Friday for the trip. Still cannot believe I am going and that he won't back out.

Remember, this jackass has left me high and dry before.

So, an hour before I am to meet him at the local ski rental place. I get a text--stating he can't make it this evening....I ask when, if not this evening (as my heart sank into my stomach--waiting for the blow off)? We text back and forth...he is excited I am going...I tell him I am off to buy mittens at the same ski rental place.

He then texts me back and says, now they are all going to meet there (everyone that is who needs to rent prior to the trip). Weird? Of course...what else is new with this person.

He calls me as I pull up to the lot--again telling me how excited he is and that i will be saving him from some of the other people who are going on the trip. He says we'll sneak off and go do other things without everyone. And I by the way, am looking at this as though I am his buddy.

He then says, he'll be at the ski place in 30 minutes and I need to "act" like I am coincidentally there. Huh? Ruh Roh?!

His son was coming with him to the store. His kids and ex-wife were originally supposed to go as a "family" trip to the snow, but a series of reasons made it impossible for all of them to go...along with the fact that his ex-wife never wanted to go in the first place. BUT, his son was not to know, because you see....he would feel I was displacing him and then if the whole family knew, they would have questions about "me". I had met his kid when I dated him last year and so, now I was put into "awkward-ville'.

Not happy and feeling weird. I interacted with everyone in such a weird way....and one of them who knows me, commented to me how "stupid" it was that we were playing like we accidentally ran into each other.

I left....he sent me a text looking for me, he had no idea I had already gone and was on my way to H's house. He tells me they ended up not renting, and were going to wait til we got to our ski destination. WHATEVER! I would say it is all for naught, but he gave me two hundred dollars to buy some things I needed.

I wonder if I'll actually make it on this trip? Or if there will come a bail out point within the next 36 hours?

Old College Try

2009-01-28T15:56:00.000-08:00

So.....

I am interested in finishing things up and moving forth. This is tantamount to how I choose to live my life here in So Cal. It is important, because I have put these intentions out to the Universe....especially the one about getting married before my next birthday.

I realize that I must go through toxic crap and any other sideswiping sort of action, so not to encounter it again with anyone else in an intimate relationship.

So....with that said. Here is what has transpired this morning.

I think cherub is an "ending for me". He is the last stop on the "Shredded Heart Express", with the final destination Dysfunction Junction.

He never answered my last text...and thus, I gave it the last pitch. Figure no response...than it is done. No more communication from me. I sent him one this morning...waited a couple of hours...no response.

Sent him one "kindly" stating to "my friend" that I expect an answer at some point from any of my friends who text, no matter how busy they are and I return them too.

So...he sent me, xoxo.

Followed a few minutes later with an invitation on a ski trip for a week. WHAT??? WAIT....was thinking I was getting the blow off...and i was totally prepped and good with it...once an ass, always an ass when it comes to him.

Hmmm....two opposing thoughts came up. The first--I can do this, laptop and phone are portable--so school and work could come with me. The second---UGH--does this even sound fun AT all? Do I really want to go there?

The answer inevitably was "YES".
The reasons:
1. If he blows chunks as a human being it will be a super speedy way to clean myself off and flush him down the toilet--close quarters for a week, will show warts and all.
2. If he turns out to be 80% human then it could be an opportunity to get closer.
3. My main goal is to marry someone who is suitable for me, crossing him off the list could be done in a week rather than months from now.
4. I may have fun
5. I have nothing to lose
6. On my collage is a picture of a beautiful house in the snow. One of the vacations I have asked to happen this year--involves snow, a fire, and skiing.

Lame or not...I decided...what the hell!

I am supposed to meet him at the local sporting goods store and go by my friend H's house to pick up some of her ski stuff this evening. Stay tuned.

Perspective rotation

2009-01-27T15:14:00.000-08:00

Today, I woke in an interesting mood.
Cannot figure out what I am to do about this situation with Cherub. And as the day wore on, I came to some conclusions.

The first is I am getting a very distinct energy from another male whom I have not met yet. I FINALLY get it! I know the man is a lawyer or something of that nature and not just cuz the psychic brigade told me so, it's something I always thought in the back of my mind.

The vibe is getting stronger and with it comes a HUGE sense of peace. I am getting Cherub is not my soulmate, AT ALL!

Going to a dinner party tonight. So happy!

Vanilla Poop

2009-01-25T16:16:00.000-08:00

As my daughter who is 17 said after she polluted the bathroom then coated it with "vanilla room spray". Her sister walked in and started gagging. lovely. It is one of my kid's birthdays today. My son and I went to sushi for lunch, while waiting for the other two to return from a week-end trip.

One of my friend's who I have known since I was 11, came up to go out last night. It was a lot of fun! We went to a really nice bar restaurant locally. We had dinner; I had wine; she had beer. It was great. In the midst of the fun we were having discussing everything under the son. The cherub sent me a text message at a little after 9 p.m. All it said was, "How are you?" I showed it to my friend, who thought...how random and weird! She said, "Why don't you type back...I am fucking great! Why do you ask?" I am a polite texter for the most part and know how things get misconstrued. So...I pondered for awhile what to write...and ended up with, "I am great! How r u?"

Then I sent him a text asking him for some of his text artwork...he could actually make figures and stuff using text message.

No answer to either text message.

All we could both think was...what a weirdo!

How back-asswards scared are you? Did you really ship your balls off to another country? Cuz you really need to go find them!

It is really at the point of tiresome. Told my nineteen year old daughter...she thought he was weird too. She said the same thing my friend did...ignore him.

I am going to but not for those reasons. Moreso for the reasons of I want the "right guy for me in my life". Unless I am looking for someone who is enlisted in remedial manhood...I need to be strong and keep on going!

different perspective

2009-01-23T18:57:00.000-08:00

A reading.
Barb T.

In general, why did this guy come back into my life? Lonely without me. Does he have the courage to step up to the plate? Missing in him. Somehow he's hoping I don't notice. He missed me for sure. Giving his heart? Wanting me to do a certain dance for him. He takes the lazy road. Sweetness and gentleness come through, taking initiative-investing makes a trigger in things to work thru for him.

I don't like his looks, she asks me. She said he is in poor shape (true). She said I am a very nice person, accepting people as they are. I don't need to be, his look, poor shape. He's too scared, patterns--no change, very nice words. After I am gone from his life: he'll know it, he'll get it-he'll get the lesson. Regret for the rest of his life.

Tall, lots of dark hair, nice guy--good communicator--not fearful--this new one is good! Abundance, ease of things, a lot easier by Spring. It will validate cherub is an iiot. Set my boundaries--he'll notice, he'll understand before I leave. It's kind of a blessing that I don't want him in my life. Other guy health conscious--sports lover--a good match for me. Business--some sort of manufacturing, he is high up in the company. This could be an August wedding. Marriage ceremony.

Cherub is just not motivated. New guy is much better-nice, easy smile. Cleaner. Suit high up in the company--properness, rules--knows difference between right and wrong. Clear out cherub. Validating my intention.

April--tall, bump into him.

Work--lady has an interest in me--she is looking for work for me. Something comes thru--this is what I have been praying for--restored it will be like second nature. I will be right back there. I'll be leaving sloth, sluggish relationships, patterns from the past. Ex-wife part of the problem--she hangs around him, he's not ofund his courage to move on. Mixed up guy, good guy. I am too tired to hang onto crumbs.

He'll get woken up after I am gone, that is when the shake up happens. He'll notice it in a couple of months. He'll have regrets. He'll notice he's repeating patterns.

I'll get the clarity of getting what I want. External rewards are coming. Been a deep greiving for me, I have suffered. That has been dealt with and now I am healed.

New great guy coming my way. Keep my head up. Keep my chin up. It is coming.New day is dawning. Strong active back--won't pull him around. It's gonna be done, I don't want crumbs.

Reading du jour

2009-01-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

I find it funny to post these readings. I get readings in a series of three, basically as a way of double-checking that they are all picking up the same information. If psychics could confirm their own vibes they receive about their own lives, it would be so much easier.

But I can't, so an outside source is needed.

Yet, I have gone years without, I guess it is in times when things are so ridiculous, despite my best efforts.

This one that follows is really bizarre, some of it seems spot on and some out there.
Brit:

General vibes:
Feels like there are a couple of issues. Need forward movement-not an immediate crisis. In both work and relationships. Relationship-more deep-seeded, some kind of acceptance of specific person. Me giving up.

Work-pending issue. There is interim of work, change going on. I am at two of wands, the barest beginnings, shows an increase in work. Mid-March work is coming. I've done everything I can to promote myself. Something coming soon, I've done networking, no resolution-thwarted at every turn.

Recent situation with man--they have called the relationship into question. Is there a break? Asking me for more distance. Making some kind of break. It does look like work is coming through. I should be able to stay where I am living at. Things stabilize in March.

Why did he come back? Read by himself-he is off the charts--out of control, a lot of gnarly pain, he is drifting--like he's lost, like a crisis. He in terms of with me is incredibly needy and insecure. Wants something to happen with me. It feels like a retreat (Vacation?), idea of coming to me like a respite from his life. He comes from deep insecurity, he thinks he needs to be healed. He exalts the relationship. He doesn't want to use me. He tries to act the opposite. He wants it to stop--his crap. This is the only person, I can help him or understand him or see thru him. A vicious cycle. I will choose to allow some type of renewal--it shows he does some kind of changing for the better. All three cards state there is more unfoldment going on-emotional renewal. Suggests he makes some improvement--justifiable, I see it. In the middle of a process. Him changing at least satisfied to some point. Heart of the matter--disappointment. Not going to agree on progress. There is significant change.

I will be disappointed--action at first then ?

Does it look like he sticks around? Ultimately yes, but only for 5-6 months. Definite resurgence between us. Current path --he would have clarity and stop in for a recharge and bail in 5-6 months.

There are other men. One a week for the next 5-6 weeks. 2 guys in one week. One who really stands out. Other one who stands out as comfortable and happy, but doesn't hit the notes. Another one is unstable. 3-4 weeks the one to hit the biggest notes may be a bit frustrating. He is good with some issues.

Any relationship? basically looks like I am dating more than one guy at a time. Calling my own terms. One will be a commitment, but not til summer.

MLK Day YAY!

2009-01-19T22:48:00.000-08:00

Woke to a text message this morning saying, "I'm cold".

Yup...good ol' cherub at 7 a.m.

Have no idea why...but wrote him back, "I am warm"....

No way am I engaging in any "talk" now. So, as we chatted...I realized I left my fucking keys in my door lock on the outside of my door all night. Crazy shit! Considering, I normally am extra tight on the sphincter with remembering to LOCK everything! I get scared being home alone!

Whatever, so our silly conversation continued...

About an hour and a half later, I heard about 4 different possibilities for me to make some cold hard cash...we'll see if it all pans out.

I texted cherub to tell him of my excitement--never heard back.

Nice, huh? I have better strangers in my life who are far kinder to me. This shit does not go unnoticed.

Such a breakthrrrrrrrruuuu

2009-01-18T22:32:00.000-08:00

Yar man!

I had been cleaning all week-end. The people I gave birth to are away with are away with their Dad for his HUGE ass birthday!

And the exciting person I am, spent most of the week-end cleaning the house. It was an opportunity I couldn't pass up, since my kids weren't here.

I had that "ugly" feeling all week-end. i realized it was cherub. I felt like I was starting to be concerned about what he would or would not do....and kept thinking he was such a chicken shit...afterall he had ripped his balls off and stuck them in his sock drawer. And I think at a later date bought them a passport and shipped em' of to another country. He keeps forgetting he's a man, and turns into a eunuch. Sorry, I digress.

I had a major epiphany. I was able to detach and re-focus on myself and what I want, which is a man who according to the characteristics on my list actually puts out effort and shows he wants me...so as I am not left to wonder.

Among other things, I realized I survived the last several months without him and could/would be fine without him. YAY! For me!

Predictions are just like the weather

2009-01-16T13:51:00.000-08:00

So...got up early. Since Cherub the crowned clown said he needed to meet at 6 a.m. on account of his having to get out of town today. Around 5:40 a.m., I realized I'd be late. So I sent a text.

No answer.

I waited til 5:55, when I was going to leave my house, I called.

I woke him up.

He had unfortunately, been in the desert the night before--because his Dad went into the hospital--internal fluid leaking...and Cherub didn't get back home until 2 a.m. He had a packed morning and on his way out of town, needed to go back to the desert to the hospital. He said let's make it 8 a.m.

He should have just canceled then as any sane person would have done.

Instead received my trusty text at 7:20ish. Saying he couldn't make it that day.

For whatever reason it felt like I was transported back in time with him. I didn't respond to his message--I wasn't going to, because I had nothing to say. Then about an hour later as I was talking to a friend. It dawned on me to be kind, because it is my "practice" at this point. So, I said, something like--hope your dad gets better, be well!

I wish I knew why he showed back up in my life. I am so honestly and truly wanting a better relationship. One in which I don't have to guess.

I am taking the advice and seeing it thru to its due course....because I never want to repeat this sort of nightmare again.

2nd time

2009-01-14T18:30:00.000-08:00

Met the Cherub this morning. One of his clients had not seen in him in awhile and was quite surprised to see how much weight he put on and she made a comment, "you sure gained a lot of weight".

He said to her, "Well round is a shape too". He is quite round....hard to believe in 8 months he put all that weight on...and of course I have my own 10-15 lbs, I gained because of my injury, limiting me to walking instead of running. That has been difficult for me over the past 6 months to purposely change my eating habits...we have been a mirror for each other in a weird way.

He brought up buying me bike shoes again, so I can use one of his bicycles to ride with him. He also had other ideas about starting an exercise group, hiking with me, etc...I'll hold my breath--and probably pass out waiting for that to transpire.

He also asked me again if, I ski. And then said he was renting a private house on a ski slope in another state in which you "ski in and ski out" of privately. He sort of asked me to go in a really lame way. I told him I am not real crazy about being last choice or an afterthought (which I was feeling that I wasn't going to know the truth if he felt that way or was covering it up). His kids probably weren't going as originally planned and his group of guy friends looked like they weren't going either. He thought since I wasn't working maybe I'd want to go. I am only interested in going if someone plans a trip with me in mind....and that my friend, I can wait for...going with some man, somewhere.

I am starting to think the process I have been in to bring the love of my life into "my life" brings everything that I still have to deal with and clear out.

I am thinking he is one of those things, that I shall never repeat.

We are supposed to meet Friday morning early, cuz he has to go out of town for his hobby this week-end. And has all sorts of stuff to do beforehand.

TGIF F-Word

2009-01-09T16:23:00.000-08:00

"THERE IS AN UPDATE TO THIS BLOG" please see writing in red.

So, in trying to engage in text message dating. I sent cherub man a text. Told him about my broken ass and going to the chiropractor.

Never heard back from him.

Isn't there a text protocol for being "rude"? Seriously. I am far too old for this shit.

Canceled eHarmony lunch date today. He really didn't do it for me in his pictures, nor his voice. Guess I am getting pickier and am not up for all takers. I have to at LEAST find them attractive, right?

When the fuck am I going to meet someone, I have a deadline to get married this year, hmmmm.

I am going to read from the collection of readings I have picked up over the past year and couple months....because it ought to be amusing to see all the different things psychics tell you.

Most did say cherub man would be coming around again.

I wanted to remark on the things that did come true from this reading, it will be in red.
I don't remember all the dates of the readings....but this one was from a couple of months ago:

"Trip, trip, trip.(I went on a trip in Jan/Feb) Income should be improving.(It did then it sunk) Bliss-not thru work. Keep up the good work. transformation. Passion. Sudden change--Fool card (looking back I went from nothing to something to nothing again in a month). Lovers with bliss and a leap of faith with a bag of knowledge. Someone is really interested in me-he has a really good mind. Somebody I know--look a little closer. Also possibility of someone new. I am not done with cherub man (I wasn't done with cherub, new guy could have been anyone else I have dated too). His friends want us together (That has always been the case). Internet card came up stating my mission online is not complete. (This new biz is all about the internet-right on)

Week of X-Mas receive a message from cherub man (I did). Trip coming up-I'll ask myself if I want to go (I did). A guy that is interested in me will ask me to go (he did). Divine discontent--Universe not unfolding the way I feel it should. Just doesn't feel like it. I will teach Mission not complete. Very bright. Relationship card next to trip card.

Very entertaining guy--he has money and is tall. Radical, powerful changes before the end of the year (Still waiting, altho work could change). Love relationship coming in. Dreams coming true. I am on the right path.Change card: Going from a caterpillar to a butterfly. Cherub man comes up again--big heart, getting lots of libra flow-like energy (maybe cuz we are both Libras?). It makes me feel good. Sun--Universe is supporting me. The cherub pops up--vibe not done with him (I wasn't done). Date with destiny. Connection predestined, yin-yang. Angel Bliss. Angels like this person. Don't limit myself. Marriage card with wheel of fortune came up. Monogamous relationship.Whatever is meant to be will be. He sees me as a star in my own right.He comes up with me needing to give him compassion, healing and not to worry I can do no wrong. SUDDEN CHANGES!(not really)

Welp! Exciting reading, huh? Bev is sweet. So, she was right about the message around X-Mas and that cherub man came back into my life, it wasn't done. Work did sort of pick up a bit--bringing me some money, but not enough to pay my rent for December. He and I meant to be? I wouldn't place any money on that bet. I have a collection of these in which I took notes. The best part is they all conflict....I read somewhere that if you find a psychic who is right about 60% of the time, you have yourself a winner. Can't we do 60% on our own?

Thursday

2009-01-08T23:22:00.000-08:00

Yeah..heard from let's call him "cherub-man". He sent me a "text" message, his son broke his ankle. Great news, huh?

I asked him how.

He said basketball.

Then I went on an eHarmony date...leaving the conversation right there.

I am finding it tedious with him.

eHarmony date made me realize I can't date men 50 and older. The age difference is not good for me. I need someone who is in my realm--where we can relate to one another and have those commonalities.

This guy found it odd that I like sports and could name the whole Dodger team from the late 1970s. I used to go to the games as a teenager frequently. He hasn't met women who like sports. Trying to figure out how something irrelvant, became relevant.

I am trying to be cool right now, but it is hard. MY LIFE IS SILENT!!!!!!!!

A paradox, a metaphor or just crazy?

2009-01-07T22:19:00.000-08:00

I was reading something on Facebook, there was "last guy's" first name. I walked with my friend this morning, his car was everywhere. His last name all over the place and the initial of his first name. Later in the day, a vehicle same year, model and color was driving right towards me at full speed.

This is nothing of course, and I can accept that those things could be manufactured by an overactive imagination.

I can't get past the other stuff, which is pounding itself into me. Like, how did I know I would run into him on the days I did? How?

How did he contact me, even when we were dating like he knew I was thinking of "exiting stage left". I can see these things happening once, but several times....hmmm.

I remember one time when I was tired of the situation of push/pull....and he sent me a text one night, all it said was "hi". I just looked at it and rolled over going to sleep. The next morning, I got up to run at a random time. I was thinking, I am over this whole situation with Mr.Indecisive...only to be on a quiet road in which I have never seen him on and have him cross my path...and then spend the day with me--introducing me to his Dad and others. I have a WHOLE box full of those Hallmark moments.

He is connected to me, even when I chopped that fucking umbilical cord a million times and lit it ablaze and sent him off to God/Universe to deal with...in terms of trying to unlock my tortured soul from this predicament.

I remember one time this past Summer walking with "D"; I was telling her I finally felt free of him...totally blissful. About 30 minutes later...here he comes in his vehicle on the other side of the road. He stops traffic and is way overly excited to see me (according to "D", who wasn't sure who he was, what he wanted, but thought he was going to ask me out--cuz he was just like a little kid wanting his favorite candy). I am standoffish and in my head asking the Universe, "WHY"!!!!

It makes me think a larger hand is at work here.

He is definitely a magnet whom I can sense almost all the time.

Even when I have burnt a million candles, not had a conscious thought of him and even had those fleeting moments when I think, "Finally, I am over him." Only to have within seconds a message from him or him crossing my path. It is almost ridiculously comical.

The fates are having their way with me, I have fought it and surrendered, repeated the process and here I am again. He is not a bad guy. He was just a guy who couldn't do a serious relationship months ago. Maybe now he can? I don't know, time will tell.

I started writing this blog tonight, because I was sitting here getting completely weirded out; I have never had so many coincidences with anyone in my life! Ever!

What does it mean? I have no fucking clue. Am I supposed to learn something? And what about the funky ass feeling I have when I date other men. It isn't that I compare him to them. Nor is it that I wish they were him, it is this unmistakable feeling of...I belong with him. Which just pisses me the hell off!

He always said we were just alike, twins. We are only 8 days apart. He was the one who thought we were perfect each other, before I even noticed. I can't help but wonder though, what is the point of having this man show up in my life? Okay, let's say to be with him or to learn something about myself. I am alright with either, but seriously.....I need a clue at this point. Which is it? And then give me another hint, as to either keeping my sanity or some direction on the lesson so I can learn and move on.

People who I start telling these stories to think he must stalk me, but all of it is too random to have been planned out by either of us.

Oh my God, even as I write this, I know I meant to be with him. That is the feeling that comes up from my gut and washes over me. I am thinking of committing myself to an institution at this point. I'll get 3 meals and hopefully a room with a view of a nice pond with ducks.

Crying for it all!

2009-01-06T18:08:00.001-08:00

Today was what I like to refer to as challenging. Yesterday was challenging too. I hit a roadblock this morning. I woke up almost in a panic, car payment extension due today and there was no way I had the money.

My bank called asking me for 75.00 to cover my account. I had nowhere to go with it.Who? Where? How to find money and then what about all of the other bills coming in the rest of the week? Oy vey!!!!

All of my asking for money and love, love and money, work, work, work. And I was coming up empty. This sucked. I started to roll downhill, picking up momentum. I crashed at the bottom; I pretty much spent my day as a sobbing mess.

In between, I had a coffee date with one of the guys from eHarmony. That was rather boring and it could've been my mood or my preconceived notion that this guy was not someone who I wanted to date, because of a couple of comments he made in his original messages to me. I was trying to be fair, but today was the wrong day for being a referee.

At one point in the day, the only person I could think of to help me was my ex-husband. He is doing well financially. So, I sent him a quick email. Went to bed drowning in my tears. My son came into ask me something and he asked what was wrong, "I am depressed", I grumbled.

I then decided I would get up and try to run. I was putting my shoes on and crying, explaining to my older two children, this is rock bottom of unemployment. This is it! I have no resources, my interview yesterday sucked ass and therefore I am back to square one. My son was so sweet, he is such a kind soul. My daughter was quiet, but she is not good with expressing her emotions or dealing with others' emotions.

I received a phone message from an old employee today too. Plus found out my old company is shutting down. All of my old comrades are unemployed too. Unbelievable--of course that made me cry too.

My running since Friday has hardly improved. I still feel worn out by about halfway through. I cried all the way to the Rose Bowl. And kept it together during my run. On the way back, I pulled over and sent my ex an email telling him to forget my earlier email. Told him I was just stressed out and to not worry.

I spent the latter half of the day screaming at the Universe, "Why can't you work with me? What am I missing? What more can I do? Turn into a fucking pretzel? I am never going to be perfect! And I don't want to be! I have worked so hard on myself and been asking, holding the high watch, ripping the negative roots out and replacing it all with positive thoughts/words!!! I am done working on myself--it is over! No more!"

Drove my raggedy ass home and went back to bed. Started looking up info on soulmates and twin flames.Nice distraction, since I have this overwhelming pull to the "guy". He is a magnet like none other. And I thought, why is it every time I am over it, he either crosses my path or contacts me? Every time! It is like a constant cycle of getting over him and being okay; then getting over him and being okay. I think after writing these words. I am going to be okay; no matter what. No more trying to get over him or trying to do anything. I am just going to be. I can't fight it anymore. So, Universe, I am here....BRING IT ON!!!!!!

If he is my lifemate...then let him show up as my lifemate! If someone else is then bring him on in!!!! I AM READY!!!!!!!

So, other guy just called from eHarmony...too many to name. He has a shaved head. We are going to lunch Friday. He is entertaining with an accent.I am sure I will enjoy our time together.

Another eHarmony guy has an 11 o'clock coffee with me tomorrow. Another one on Thursday afternoon and then two who are supposed to call to arrange something. I am ready for a relationship, let's hope one of them is it!

Didn't hear from "last guy" today. Doesn't matter "why", anymore. I'll hear from him, when I hear from him. I am not slamming shut or going to get upset at this point (it could change later on), but even though he laid people off yesterday, it shouldn't preclude him from contacting me.

So, my two older children came in awhile ago, after being gone for the remainder of the afternoon. They were smiling ear to ear and telling me they wanted to bring me flowers, but got so busy running around--they forgot. I am in tears, cuz I am just fucking retarded today. And they hand me a check from their Dad. It is the remainder of the child support he owes me until my 17 year old turns 18 later on this year. Wow! That helps me for the next two months.

So, I finally stopped crying.

And then my old therapist calls me. She was on my mind today too. I had told her about my wanting to coach people and had also emailed for her insight on Psychology programs for my graduate degree. She was calling because she actually had someone to refer to me....the first session free and then, I charge for the rest. Hopefully, I will hear from this referral.

And it is funny the timing, because I was just talking to my son about my disappointment in the school I was looking to attend only having research degrees in psychology, so lo and behold, her call was perfect timing.

I am grateful and wish I had not lost my mind today. The Universe came thru for me.

I said the words before closing my eyes last night: I am a love and money magnet, I am a love and money magnet. I attract love and money like a magnet!

I received lots of love from my family, men who want to know me and money to get me thru the next couple of months. Now, I need to build upon this quickly. I am going to start marketing my coaching to people, a.s.a.p.

Thank you God and the Universe.....all of my thoughts for the Law of Attraction are coming to me as fulfilled wishes. Someone told me the other day, "Imagine yourself making your car payment--always see yourself doing the end result." she said. She was fucking right!!!I did it tonight--the last day I could before I was in deep trouble.

This has been a day of synchronicity. Unexpected, but true. I will be married this year!!!!! YES!!!!

Rough and Tumble

2009-01-05T14:38:00.000-08:00

What a fucking dumbass thing to do!

How is it that I tempt fate every time I am bold enough to actually believe I can send platitudes to people telling them to "Enjoy the day! It's going to be awesome!" and get smacked upside the noggin!

I woke to an email from the local eHarmony guy that I had exchanged several emails with, who had said he would call the week-end after Christmas, only to have never heard from him again. I thought, "Hmmm...what does he have to say for himself?"

First smackdown of the day, "I met someone else through eHarmony, gee...I guess they are right, it does work!" I started to analyze, "I know he didn't meet someone new, bet he got back together with his ex-girlfriend." Followed by, "How come he didn't want to meet me?"...followed by my voice saying out loud, "STOP!" Seriously, stop.

Who gives a shit what he found or didn't find, tripped over, fell into, blah, blah, blah! It doesn't matter, thank God he rejected you now rather than later. And of course, I had to eat it on those words, cuz I had told a friend of mine the day before those same words. OH UGH!

Great way to start the day!

So, then I got nervous, oh shit, what does this mean for the rest of the day? I should've known.

Had a collegeboard exam, I didn't study enough for (they recommend 125 hours of study--I spent 6 hours)....alas, I failed.

I AM BROKE AND VISUALIZING having money for my car payment tomorrow. You can hear a pin drop. Nothing....at all.

I got an email from junior who I dated this past Summer. I need to respond and be HONEST. My new fave past-time, honesty with men, woohoo!

Heard from the University I want to attend, suckage! They only have research degrees, no clinical or counseling degrees.

I sent "last guy" a text, wishing him a great day and thanking him, because of the following facts that I came to last night all by myself:

1. He did me a favor by not moving forth months ago; I have grown so much more than I could or would have in any other way.

2. I know what I want and what I don't want in my life; in both career and love. If he would have been in the picture I would not have explored and done so much soul searching.

3. I realized last night, that in the past couple of days since he has contacted me, I was being sort of bitchy--like he owed me something! He doesn't owe me anything. We had that conversation months ago and I forgave him for my sake, but I wasn't acting like it.

4. Another light bulb moment: I need to treat him how I want to be treated; therefore, my text this morning had no manipulation, no emotional b.s., just a couple warm sentences to start his day, which he thanked me and told me he has to lay off 10 people today. (errrr…interesting timing, eh?)

5. I'm partially in my prison, trying to protect myself and keep some form of a wall up, although I say I am not. I have boundaries, NOT WALLS.

Cuz no matter who it is that I'm with, I want a completely different experience than I've had in the past. And thus, the walls need to go, operating in a self-punishing way and punishing others, had to go!

Boundaries, openness, giving/receiving are where I am trying to be as you all know....and I am scared, but more willful to see my life be what I want.

I am glad I sent the text, even hours later. Because whomever is the lucky guy to get me, is going to be treated well...and I know I will be treated the same in return. No regrets, I am growing.

It seems like every man except the married ones I dated, have been contacting me in the past few days. Marriage here I come!

Sun DAY fun DAY

2009-01-04T21:22:00.000-08:00

Huh....strange day yesterday was indeed!

Today.

Talked to a friend of mine this morning, forgot her code name for the blog....I think I call her "D". As I talked, I noticed I had a text, from, last guy. Giving me the low down on how he spent the rest of his evening and saying "Good morning".

I am perplexed still...and not sure how to respond anymore. It has knocked me off balance, because as USUAL. I had written him off. And BOOM, there he is.

I ended up getting a call from the guy who works at the Echo Park wine bar from New Years Eve, that I gave in my number to in a drunken state...although, I still do not think I was that far gone.

In between cleaning and studying for my test...I had another call from a guy from eHarmony. Let's call him "M". He explained he had a great marriage. He then said he was widower. I said, "I am sorry to hear that" and asked, "How long ago did she die?" He said, "Four months ago."

WHAT? RUT ROH!

And you are ready for a relationship? (I don't think so) He tried to talk me into at least meeting him, I said "No, I am not prepared to walk into a situation with kids whose mother died 4 months ago." Not to mention....if he had a great marriage, wouldn't he need more time to mourn?

He then said, she died of liver disease. She was an alcoholic. She knew she was sick, but refused to go to the hospital. And I am thinking, how happy was your life together?

I am not able to give myself to a situation such as this and I wish him a lot of luck in finding a mate at this time. I was also glad, I was able to be honest. He actually thanked me for it.

That was interesting and sad.

So, I watch Under the Tuscan Sun again. My daughters think I have lost it and I don't care. I know a man will come pick a lady bug off of me while I sleep too.

Wonders never cease

2009-01-03T23:39:00.000-08:00

Soooo...woke up and created the PowerPoint for my client. They both loved it and are very happy!

Decided I was meeting friends later in the day. Today I think I could actually drink again after New Years.

Went to the grocery store talking to my friend who is now, also on eHarmony. She went out on a first date with a guy the night before and was just on her way home at 1 p.m. the next day, yup... that is what I call a long first date!

As I walk thru the store, I notice I have a text message on my phone. WTF?????? It is the "last guy"! Huh?

He is telling me his plans for the evening, sort of like what he sent me on New Years. And now he is asking how I am. Okay....so bizarre.

And then we get into a two hour long text session, basically nothing in depth. Mostly about, him needing to lose 30 lbs (Has he just been eating the past few months?) and my being a good trainer for him....and me insulting him(with kindness) and me, still not comprehending that he is talking to me as though we never lost touch.

He then says, "Let's get together next week." I take some time to answer and say, "It depends on the day." He asked another question and we didn't revisit the "let's get together" statement.

As I was standing in line, in between texts, a man comes up from behind who is of about 80 years of age. He is looking in my cart and telling me I have such healthy food. We chat a bit. He asks if I am a local girl, I said for the most part. He says, "I was your Congressman for this area for 20 years! And I was always honest, never spoke poorly of my political opponents and never lost an election." I said, "Well that is great to hear!" He said, "I retired, because my wife wanted me home." And then I looked up four carts to the front to see her waving at him to come with her. We smiled and said good bye. That was soooooooo random! Why he chose my cart and me, I have no idea.

I get home and my middle daughter had stayed home, while her siblings went with their dad to his new vacation home in the nearby mountains. She is sick and been taking her temperature for the past several hours on an hourly basis. Her temp is about 101. I keep asking her if she wants to go to Urgent Care. She keeps putting it off.

I get ready to go out with m friends. I ask her temp, she says: 103. I tell her to get in the car "pronto"! So, we were there for a few hours, long story short, she has strep throat! Good times!

I take her home, she feels immensely better after one dose of antibiotics at the urgent care.

I go out and am with my friends. Had fun, now it is time for bed.

This Year, Last Year

2008-12-28T14:35:00.000-08:00

New Years: How to spend it? Do I go to bed and ignore it? Do I go out to a party and live it up? Or do I hang with girlfriends and watch movies?

2007 New Years' Eve was not highly fabulous. I was dating the last guy who was busy telling me how he wanted to take me traveling in his new motor home to Mammoth during the ski season; he also said he wanted to travel with me for business (without even being invited, HA); he wanted to learn to snowboard with me.... Um yeah, a whole list of "wants" he had on top of these and none came true.

That's who I was dating a year ago. A man with a whole lotta empty promises *not coerced*, but made of his own volition. Why make promises you can't keep? I'll never know, I can guess, but who cares really? The whole dilemma is so in the past.

I've been moving on down the yellow brick road.

So, last year at this time on this day; I had heard from "him".I had seen him the day after X-Mas to get my present. Which by the way, brought out a tremendous amount of anxiety, which I still can't look inside and figure where it stemmed from at all! It may have had to do with him telling me he was heading out of town on X-Mas Day, and having had a change of plans without telling me? He was not my boyfriend, so he didn't owe that to me. And to envision him is to envision the Nutty Professor, all over the map. Maybe the anxiety came from my last relationship, where my ex told me one thing and did another in terms of his "lying". Nutty (I think I'll refer to him with this name from now on) was not a liar, just disorganized.

I should mention that on X-mas day 2007, he saw me at the Rose Bowl running in the middle of the day. And I didn't see him drive by- he sent me a text to let me know he had seen me. We always ran across each other over the past year or so-except lately, since I stay within the 1 mile boundary of my own neighborhood.

So, the day after X-Mas he took his kids and left for Mammoth. On the trip, he would send me random text messages, like I wish I had a chocolate chip cookie here and you laying with me all cuddled up, etc...(no dirty talk--woulda caused him a stroke and cuz I didn't know we were exchanging gifts--I told him his would be a baked gift)

He and I had been dating a month and a half. I had no idea what to think with him-we had strong chemistry-no sex yet....nothing besides holding hands and a peck here and there. A guy friend of mine suggested, "Well he hasn't tried anything, so it's probably "just friends" ."

So, as I said before, my trick was to get over someone while I was still with them, so I wouldn't be vulnerable to pain, because I was liking them too much...and what if they didn't like me as much? And this guy was no different in my search for self-control and well basically, "control over him too".

On the Saturday two days before New Years Eve, I was on a 14 mile training run.I finally felt myself let go after trying to figure out what the hell I was so attached to with him. Two minutes later, I ran past all the RVs lined up at the Rose Bowl parking lot, getting ready to set up camp over the next few days for the Rose Bowl.

I receive a text from him as I go by the group, thinking one RV looked familiar to me, but that would be weird, since I assumed he was still up North. His text says he is at the Rose Bowl waiting to park his RV. He wanted to know if I wanted to spend the next several hours and the night with him.

I realized, it was his RV I had run past. I told him within a few texts that I was available. And I also told him, "Guess what I'm running around the Rose Bowl now!" He was so excited, he said, "God must have brought you to me! "And did I want water, a nap or a sandwich?" I continued running to the RV spot, where I saw him wildly waving his arms at me.

(I hate remembering all the synchronicity with him--cuz that is when it pulls at me and then I have to look at the "not so great", so I don't start missing a fantasy.)

So, forget the rest of that day/night, onto the next day. Besides this man telling me how terrific our time together was and how he couldn't find anything wrong with it (he said with a smile)--like it was just perfect--we had so much fun, it never ended up mattering, none of it mattered.

The next day we saw a friend of his who asked if I was accompanying him to the Rose Bowl. And I wasn't; his friend thought that was wrong. He was taking his kids and wanted to take his time introducing me to them. Little did I know I would continue to feel this "last" place sort of importance to him as time went on.

He took me home, so he could get his kids. He sent me a couple texts here and there over the next day and a half--mostly referring to how I rocked his world. And at Midnight on New Years Eve-he sent me a text. I was at a very small, boring party that evening. (see my hesitancy in going out this year-another boring party?)

I'm thinking things with Nutty are moving slowly, yet consistently forward. Then I sent a text to him New Years Day- no response- in fact no response for a couple days.

There is more to it, as to what transpired over the following days and maybe I'll be inspired to be straight up about that time too. Thing is I was trying to be the good chick-not demanding he spend time with me, being nonchalant, playing it cool...but inside it was tearing me up. And frankly, it was manipulative. I wasn't happy with being the good chick, it sucked!

I also screwed myself by saying it was early in our dating, and we're taking it slow. At that point, had I known his ex-girlfriend was actually an ex-fiancee that left him 3 weeks before his wedding.....I would've ran!

I want to be drawn to a good guy. Please let me be drawn to someone good and healthy!

I cannot have another scenario which causes anxiety to that extreme (I seriously enlisted hypnotherapy to stay sane!)...I doubt I'd allow it to happen again. Knowing I survived this with its killer chemistry and connection, means ain't no ties gonna bind me to anything remotely resembling an indecisive man. In fact, I feel this surge in me that says, "Like hell you'll stick around for stupid behavior". I am so over any sort of game playing or retardation....

Now if a man communicates his fears...and is really asking me to be there to help him heal-then I can consider it based on his actions (If he is pulling "hide and seek" with me, no way).

I am not waiting for any man to get his shit together. I'm not playing a game--I am serious about wanting to be married and having a good partner who already knows what he wants.

Under The Tuscan Sun

2008-12-28T12:46:00.001-08:00

I watched this movie again with a couple of friends last night. The building of the train tracks thru the Swiss Alps years before a train was to go through it; Getting ready and being ready for what you want to come to you. Like chasing ladybugs and wanting one, then falling asleep in the meadow and waking up covered in them. So, much synchronicity in that movie. It is how I am living my life.

Today I woke with some melancholy feelings, which after my walk had turned into more steely reserve in having my wishes come true.

Being around my friend "D" wears me out. Her patterns and struggles are never broken, which is fine, just please don't complain about your circumstances if you can't or won't change the pattern. She doesn't make me happy to be around, I always feel uneasy. She is still a victim. And I have to ask is she my mirror? Is this person a reflection of me? I hope not. I think she is just drawn to me, cuz I don't see my life the same way as she does in how she is in the world. Life happens through us, not to us. A shift in how you show up and anchoring into a deeper truth of who you are.

My boundaries, ability to take risks, not keeping my mouth shut, speaking up when I need to say something and not being afraid. I remind myself, when I look back on all sorts of situations both personal and professional, how I screwed myself by keeping my mouth shut and going with it.

I no longer can sacrifice myself as my friend "D" still can...and if I become desperate for money(which I am, cuz I am broke), will I be tested to NOT take a job which will be the death of me-seriously? Do I need to have a 10th time of unemployment in 9 years???? I'm scared to take that risk, but I have to or how will my life ever change? So, if the Universe is so inclined to send me some of the same shiteous jobs that I have had--I WILL TURN THEM DOWN! And believe me I was desperate in the past and I'm just as financially desperate now. I cannot get attached to having something so badly, that I do whatever it takes in terms of being a chameleon-then I will fuck myself.

No more. And once again I will mention: If any man comes along, I have to keep being true to myself. I have to allow them to pursue me and be cool with it....and NOT get overly eager and shortcut the process or give in too easily to chemistry or hear the words out of their mouth and give them meaning until I see the action.

I am hopeful for the Universe to shower me with kindness and not bring me anyone with commitment issues.

As an example of my COMMITMENT to myself; the guy from eHarmony, who I was conversing with thru email, said he'd call this week-end. I haven't heard from him. Now here are the places my head goes: he is commitment-phobic and he's scared cuz we talked about subjects from deeper questions asked of each other; or he will call; or he is not interested. My biggest fear is that he will call after the week-end; he’ll have some excuse and therefore it is up to me at that point to decide if I continue, will I be a hard ass or do I wait and see? With putting my boundaries into play, I don’t want to turn into a paranoid jerk, but I also don’t want to invite in any more weak men. I have to do a gut check. With that said, “he’s outta here.”

Risky Behavior

2008-12-27T13:10:00.001-08:00

I am in a space of BEING OPEN. And a nagging message started playing this morning.

I realized I cannot make it easy for the last guy or any man. It takes away their power. Why would I ever want to take someone else’s power away? I guess in the past, it was to insure that they would not leave me. I was underhandedly manipulative.

I figured, if I was independent, nice and went with the flow, why would any man ever leave? Of course, that would only be in the beginning, when I was not needy and I was still in control of my emotions.

Then after awhile, I would have to fight tooth and nail to get something in return. This of course, would get ugly. It was in different degrees and in a variety of situations, but it always came back to the same thing. While STILL in the relationship, I’d work on getting over it…trying to distance myself emotionally (become numb), so that I was in control of myself. This would also create a space for him to “like me more than I liked him” and therefore I would be in control.

Sick?

Oh yes. I couldn’t handle rejection or feeling out of control in a relationship. I could not allow my own vulnerability to be uncompensated. I actually remember confessing this to the last guy in the Spring. It was one of my earlier attempts to get real with myself.

You cannot reach out to someone who takes no responsibility, who is a victim…..you will have a one-sided relationship that is painful and in which you are giving, but not receiving.

This road I walk now is different and will not allow me to be manipulative in landing a relationship. It has to be more pure. To be open to love, is to be fully engaged in life.

Hence, a man must come of his own free will. I will not entice him, manipulate him or act in a way that is “ass-kissing” to get what I want. I will be “me”, no matter what. And that is a tall order.

If someone has done or said something in which that behavior is compromised toward you, it is your choice to condone or stand up for yourself. You do not have to beret the person–you can state their behavior to be what it is toward you and either they take responsibility or they don’t; then you decide if you will tolerate it or you decide to move away from that individual. A deeper connection can result or a cutting of the ties at some point dependent on one’s ability to take responsibility.

The particular scenario I’m about to state…came to me in a psychic impression this morning. Right or wrong, it is a hill I must climb, even if it never takes place in reality.

If the last guy wanted to walk back in my life, I cannot make it comfortable for him. He would have to be responsible for his own actions, you know accountable to himself, then I am not doing him a favor if it is easy. It is not that I have to be mean or point the finger, it is that I have to allow him to show up however he needs to whether it means we would end up together or he is making amends to me before moving on to another relationship. I have to be okay with it and not be attached. Even if he were to never contact me to tell me he any of this, it may just be the Universe telling me, I have to be open to this possibility, because it shows non-attachment and my ability to love….and thus, a good partner is finally available for me.

If he shows up, I still need to be open to what his message would be, yet staying within my boundaries.

He’d be taking a risk; being a man and bringing himself to the plate, if that were the case. Risk equals reward or devastation. But we can all rise form the ashes as the Phoenix if we so choose. When in control of yourself, you can be present and responsible.

In any case, this presents my challenge…to be open and not be attached, knowing I may have to give someone else the opportunity to grow if he chooses.

Harmony and all that crap

2008-12-27T10:15:00.000-08:00

Unprecedented experiences are where I am at in this moment.

I realized yesterday on an emotional level, that just cuz something occurred in the past, history does NOT have to repeat itself. I know in this moment it is mine to create how I want it to look.

I am also taking risks.

I am changing patterns and beliefs daily. It is slow; happening teeny piece by teeny piece.

Being 100% responsible for my life, looking inside rather than outside for my life circumstances.

I decided on using eHarmony that I do not have to hurry to meet someone. I used to feel I didn't want to communicate too much ahead of time, because it would feel like a waste of time if we met (major expectations) and then what if we didn't end up having chemistry? MAJOR DISAPPOINTMENT!

Now, that I am looking for more depth, I have told two men today, that I would prefer to ask more questions through email and see if there is enough basis of commonality to meet at some point.

One of the deciding reasons?

One guy wrote something to me about music and stated he was "thankful" that I liked Metallica and not "Hip Hop", cuz those women in our age group still go to Forever 21 and try to act young," he also went on to say something like, "They are SO not young! What are they thinking?" Interestingly, enough, I never said anything about my "likes or dislikes" (I am wearing a Metallica t-shirt in the picture). All this made me think is "he is critical, judgmental and angry."

The more you email with people, the more you get to know them, by those sort of off-handed remarks they make. Now, I am still open to see what else he has to say, but he does show a mean streak....and I have been done for a long time with angry men.

Another guy said he was thankful that I was open to someone who was not extremely attractive, etc...which read to me as a lack of confidence...all of these things will thwart a healthy relationship. There is a lack of responsibility for oneself in what both men stated--they are putting the responsibility back on women to show up in a way that makes them comfortable. Now, I have stated my request to these guys in taking time by emailing and not meeting right away...so they both could tell me to take a flying leap!

I was at a party last night talking to a 45 year old woman who had never been married. She made statements about how nit picky she has become...if a guy sits with his back to the wall and her facing the wall. Then he is a "jerk". She said, "It is inconsiderate for him to think my facing a wall is not selfish." I said to her,"You know men like to face the door, so they can make sure no one sneaks up on you to harm you. They like to have a view of the room to make sure it all is safe for you." She looked sheepish and said, "Well I was using that as a small example." And I thought, she is never going to meet someone who can live up to her standards.

I am definitely not nitpicking, but am reveling in the enjoyment of getting to know men through communication without pressure.

I am being open, yet clear on my boundaries.

I was pregnant

2008-12-26T12:26:00.001-08:00

Gotta love those dreams. I was pregnant in my dream last night. I looked down as I was jogging and thought I was pretty trim and fit for being 6 months along. I have no idea who the Dad was or the point of the dream. I don't usually think dreams are that significant, just the ones where you feel like you were with a person. It seems to take an entire day to shake loose that essence.

I go down the road of opening myself more and more, to the point of looking back and thinking "Holy cow", how closed off was I to love and sharing myself? Crazy!

I heard from the "last guy" yesterday. Funny my blog post yesterday, said, "All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband", so...it must be him! NOT! HA! Instead, I think he has become the "Text Hallmark Greeting Card Service". I hear from him every holiday; sort of odd, since I don't hear from him at any other time, unless I run into him. Wonder if I'll get a text for Flag Day too?

I had three exercises, recently come up in the book I have been following. They always seem to come as I have already started or completed that exercise without the aid of the book. It is funny and reassuring that what I have intuitively done on my own is worthwhile and illuminates my desire to be at peace and married.

Man I am tired, I also had red wine last night (which I do drink lately--many of my friends are wine lovers), but it was a Cabernet Sauvignon...and it was pretty dry, which may explain why I am laying flat as I type this and want to go back to sleep.

Okay...so....first exercise: Cultivating solitude. I saw the headline of the chapter and thought, "I could lead a class on this one". I would be someone who has cultivated "too much" solitude. Let me clarify, not depressing solitude or recovering from broken heart solitude (although I could teach a class on those too), but the time I take everyday and have for years to either run or walk, emptying my head of thoughts and being with nature or nothing. My ability to have solitude at other times is good too, in the car driving for hours, hanging out at my house staring at the ceiling, reading, also sitting on my porch staring at the trees, being creative, etc...I am good at solitude in all forms. The book wants you to be comfortable, cool I am already there. Thing is I am ready to share my solitude with someone else. I used to bristle if I did not get my solitude, it made me feel out of sorts. Now, I willingly and freely give it up if need be or minimize my "aloneness" to the degree in which I am not resembling a freakin' hermit.

Years ago, when I first got divorced: I HATED being alone. When my kids were at their Dad's house, I had to keep myself occupied for fear that I'd end up with myself as my only company. I was unhappy, because this was not the picture of how I wanted my life to look. I didn't want to be a single parent; I wanted someone to share my life with, but I just didn't get that I needed to be true to myself , FIRST! It took me years to get to where I am now and when I have a silent house, I am ecstatic. When I have a full house, I am ecstatic too!

Exercise 2: The next one was "who am I making wrong" and seeing it from their viewpoint. Hilarity! I was with my parents and kids yesterday. We got on a subject that I had a clear memory of being "one way" and my parents remembered it differently. I thought about it and wondered how many other "subjects" we saw differently when remembered from the past. And really what matters? I am sure some of what they said and did when I was growing up was unconscious. Left over from their own childhoods. I could also look at it from their perspective, they always thought they were doing the right thing, even when it was the wrong thing.

I don't want to choose to make them accountable and myself the victim. If anything, I want to move as far from that model as possible. What does that mean then? To continue forgiving them, they are only human. To keep my boundaries and drop the anger if any is left or erupts unexpectedly. To be gracious and generous with love, while keeping to my boundaries--that way there is less of a chance anyone will get hurt. It has been a long road, because the boundaries my Mother wanted and still wants--have to do with her personal viewpoint on her "own" needs. She doesn't get that others do not agree or may be content where she is not at all. This could fill a novel, but it is really about being separate and loving for me in terms of "them".

The last guy was also someone I made wrong for the past several months. At times, I would feel I had forgiven, let go and moved on...and I have to a certain degree. In fact, today...I know that he is not right for me, anyone who cannot give is not right for me. I don't expect him to ride in and say he can commit. I get that he couldn't for his own reasons, right or wrong...they were right to him. If we all just learned to respect someone else's wishes and not coerce of force people to do things they do not want--it'd be a lot better world to live in. Anyways, point is whenever feelings of "not understanding" come up for me in terms of him in the future...I can take a quick "put myself in his shoes" moment and know that I wasn't right for him or he was too hurt from his past or I scared him or he wanted to be footloose and fancy free, whatever it is...he has as much right to his feelings as I do.

exercise 3: the question is "What do I think I absolutely must have in order to be happy? Well sugar, it's like this...nothing, but myself. I, of course say this wanting everyone in my life to be safe, healthy and happy. Aside from that, I have nothing material, no money (in fact I think there exists 20.00 in my checking account), no job, no security, can't pay my rent, etc... and I am happy. I have some crappy moments, but I have and will remain happy. It is finding it no matter what your external stuff is or realizing you can't wait for the "relationship" to walk in the door. You can't wait for the trip, the money, the house, or whatever it is you "want"...it has so little to do with actual happiness. Cuz I have had many things; they did not make me happier. It gave me more freedom in a sense, but at the time I was a prisoner of my own perception that I was lacking certain things in my life...therefore you could have given me a pot of gold at the time and I would not have been "happy".

I am supposed to thank God for my life exactly as it is right now. And, I am thankful. I surrender myself to what is currently in my life, as I try to open up myself to bigger and greater things with more people and opportunities.

I do not have an attachment to out comes, I have just asked for my BIGGEST wish in life to be fulfilled...and I have no idea who that lucky man will be, but I am excited to meet him!

The day of a million hours

2008-12-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day.

It is almost like any other day of the year for me as I get older. It has essentially no meaning, maybe because I have "beaten" the meaning out of it over the years? It started ebbing away as a kid. My Mom always had high expectations for all holidays. It put tremendous pressure on the rest of the world to come through for her.

We all were supposed to have ESP in knowing what to get her and what to do. Of course, she thought she had ESP in knowing what we wanted--but she chose no better, unless given specific instructions.

The material side of X-Mas ceased to hold a thrill for me many years ago. When my kids were small, I seemed to have gotten back on the holiday wagon, "How fun to have them to celebrate with" and it was to a certain degree. I was in my "perfect" days of trying to pull it off single-handedly, remember I was married to someone like my Dad in that sense (although he was usually like my Mom)...he didn't help at all.

So, fast forward to now. My kids just went to their Dad's for breakfast and presents. We didn't open our gifts yet (considering I am flat broke I spent the last few pennies I had on presents and groceries), we will when they come back and then head out to meet my parents at TGIF, woohoo!

Then I am supposed to go to my friends' parents home. I have no problem with casual get-togethers during the holidays. I have no problem with family get-togethers as long as it is either my family or my guy's family. Other than that--it isn't fun or interesting to be at someone else's family celebration for the most part, I would prefer to curl up with a movie and some wine in my pajamas. I have no desire to get dressed up and go grit my teeth through being somewhere I do not want to be at all. Yes, I can make the best of it, I always do. I guess the bigger issue is that my friend went and asked her in-laws with the expectation that I would show up. I never committed. Unfortunately, she is imposing a guilt trip, because she us afraid to tell her Mother-in-law that I and another friend are not coming. What does that say about her honesty and ability to communicate with others, twisting her friend's arms to join in their less festive celebration?

Whatever! Anyways...the exercises for today....allow myself to feel and then go into the emotion, just stay with it and give it a name. Don't analyze, just be present. I have done this one before, but unfortunately today...it uncovered my melancholy, sadness and fear. Also intermingled with excitement, peace and happiness.

I was thinking about my husband showing up in my life. I started to get nervous, because "what if the Universe wants to test me more?", by bringing another guy who is not emotionally supportive...and of course I won't know that until I am in knee-deep in it...I cannot handle another dude who I have chemistry with and then find I have to extricate myself again. That fear of "what if I feel that comfortable feeling again", should I run? I started to freak this morning, wondering what I have to do to have a really great partner come in my life?

I have been very cognizant about not bringing in a warm body or a replacement for the last guy. I wanted to make sure I was fully aware and as whole as I can be, before someone new came in the door. I will never be 100% okay, no one is, but wouldn't it be nice to have someone come in that instead of making it worse....makes it okay?

The one guy I have been talking to through eHarmony is really cool, he said even if we don't hit it off, we could probably work together...wouldn't that be funny?

And then it dawned on me this morning, he is in a family of 3 kids!!! OH NO!!!! Every single man I have spent time with except one, came from a family of three kids. Usually they are the baby in the family too. My ex-husband was the middle child. I am the oldest of two. What is up with that? It made me want to start running from this guy. I have no strength to get into a shitty situation again...and I don't know if this would be or not, but at this point in my life...I look at these things and think, "WTF?"

I will walk away from something which is not suitable, non-supportive men...I do not care what chemistry there is, I am out! So, we'll see with this guy, maybe he is the oldest child too? Although, he has two sisters...leads me to believe he is the youngest.

All I wanted for X-Mas was my husband to be to make an appearance in my life.

Closer to Nirvana

2008-12-24T21:29:00.000-08:00

As I woke this morning and walked...

The guy is slip-sliding away, finally in the right way too. His being a symbol for my Father is losing its potency.

Talking with this other man from eHarmony-whether he is someone I end up dating or not, has shown me the way I am now headed with being able to find comfort from myself. eHarmony guy had a loving childhood, he is kind, compassionate, mature....and not that I have a clue as to where it goes, I am really good. He may still turn out to be an axe murderer. At least our conversations are consistent.

I can try to explain this further, it is hard to put all of this in words. I usually am critical of a guy in the first few interactions of getting to know him-very narrow parameters. I am quick to discount someone, when I don't know if there is chemistry.

Every time I notice the thought for a split second of "Oh, he's too nice" or "he's already into me and doesn't even know me"--I should mention it isn't that he's doing anything crazy or professing love on the first date. SO, NOW... I stop and ask myself, "Is this a problem?" And I now think for a moment and respond to myself with, "Nope, not at all"...its a very peaceful rather than anxious feeling. The anxiousness and connection to things which throw me off balance is quickly dissipating. I always wanted a steady relationship, FOR YEARS! One that had no jealousy or crazy anxiety, wondering where he was or he was wondering where I was or he gave me the silent treatment, hanging up on me or some other intolerable bullshit. I always craved an adult relationship, but had no clue how to have one...I had no idea my patterns and beliefs were so deeply ingrained.

The beauty of this morning is I woke up, still experiencing the feeling from last night of "the last guy" as a reminder of my Dad. The whole thing with its challenge of getting and maintaining his love/commitment to his kindness, but inability to express himself in a timely manner--is just not really much of an issue anymore. As in, I am healing a childhood wound that has been there for 40 something years, in so many relationships with men. The push/pull that I normally engage with in some capacity is nonexistent -I do not feel it enough to want control. I always like to have a certain numbness even in my attraction to someone, so I cannot get emotionally attached and be in control.

My needing to be, needy--when I feel vulnerable in exposing more of myself--I dig deeper. It has faded to the point that I almost don't care at all about that "last guy". The pull is barely registering, the fear of running into him is being replaced with images of kindness, but no feeling of unrequited emotions. Hopefully, it means once and for all the childhood beliefs are being replaced with my current beliefs.

All that I have been going thru on my journey to heal and meet a great guy make sense. The guy I want to marry is someone so different than this last man and the feelings elicited by dating him. When I place myself in a state of mind of calmness, imagining a relationship, I like the feeling of intimacy without drama. I like the calmness of someone who is in my corner. I am not as concerned with the package, but how we would be as a team.

I am 99% over the past....teeny twinges that I see disappearing as I look at it.....

It will be nice to be writing about my present as a beautiful relationship and never revisit the past again in terms of a warm and satisfying relationship.

Exercise for today

2008-12-23T11:08:00.000-08:00

Questions of the day for my exercises in BEING the magnet I have always been (just didn't know it).

*What are my commitments to myself?

To attract my husband to my life. To be there for myself emotionally. To establish my boundaries. To get my graduate degree. To be a coach. To find work that does not kill me. To maintain inner peace. To connect with others daily. To be able to be in a loving, warm, committed relationship with a man. To not slam things shut (no more black and white) and go numb (false sense of control), trying to get over or separate from people (I'm really never okay this way) in which it may cause me or has caused me pain. To remind myself of my own importance. I am committed to magical things being allowed in my life. My own happiness and joy. To being a good person to myself-treating myself kindness.

*What are my commitments to god/universe?

To talk to god regularly. To not purposely hurt others. To do what I can to make this world a better place. To spread peace and happiness. To be a good person in caring for others.

*What are my commitments to others?

To be a good mom, friend and person. To help when I can. To be committed to being there for others whenever needed. To have strong relationships with all sorts of people. To give and receive love openly within my boundaries.

*Which if any of my commitments have become obligatory and outdated, and should be either renegotiated and/or released?

I am not sure I have many; there may be hidden commitments. I always think people will come to a point they find they don't like me underneath everything. Leftover from my mother saying how unlikable I am and my Father's rejection of me--I was never good. So, the commitment to my unlikableness would need to go.

Worrying about my kids and their stuff, having to raise them; they are raised, release the commitment.
My old work ethic: work hard and kill yourself, release that commitment.
Goals that no longer suit me, release all the commitments that are not inline with my real identity.
Making sure I find something to focus on to make myself feel bad. Fantasizing about unattainable men and relationships, waiting for them to realize the mistake they made (just like Pops), goodbye to that commitment.

What new commitments can I make to help expand my sense of connection and belonging in the world?

I am interested in establishing deeper relationships with people who are emotionally available.
To further reach out to others and help them.
To love and connect with my beloved husband.
To create a career that resonates and rewards me so I can do all the things I am meant to do here on this planet.
Not waste more time making myself miserable.
Honor myself.
Remain grounded knowing my dreams do come true, positive things do happen to me and I deserve them.
There is nothing wrong with me,and I am committed to more self-acceptance.
To be my own emotional support and welcome it from others.

Call me, "Chatty Cathy" today

2008-12-22T12:41:00.000-08:00

I had a reason for writing this addition to my numerous additions today. What was it? I have another friend "K" who is now taking my lead on finding a good guy. We'll see if she sticks to it; she tends to still be victimizing herself, so I am not sure; cuz when she called this morning, she said "I am a giver of being open", and I said, um....repeat after me, "I am open to giving and receiving love". We went thru this yesterday, she even wrote it down, but something tells me it wasn't a priority for her to state it and believe it.

Argh! Why did I open up another post? I really can't remember. I need to be a receptive flower, I dropped my "man" energy? No, that wasn't it, although it is true.

Alright--stream of conscious until the point of this blog hits me upside the grey matter!

I have always had the "desire" to have a man who really wants me. Not that I have not been wanted, but when a mman has made the decision in his mind that you are it without drama, manipulation or games. An emotionally available man coming for me. That's it!!!!! "The man coming to get me!" Remember a billion posts ago, I struggled with that term.

Well it hit me yesterday--I want him to come get me. It is what resonates with my gut. It is what feels natural. And would be something I have never experienced.

A wonderful man wanting to put a ring on my finger (And not because I am kicking him out of my house and it is his last attempt at staying in a dysfunctional relationship with me). The man who loves me like none other and doesn't want to let me go. The man coming to get me.

I realize my Dad never made me a priority, I always felt unimportant. And it dawned on me, because I would always accept men who were workaholics or had other priorities. I felt okay knowing I could have a little bit, but not the whole thing or anything close to being at the top of the list.

I always had the survivor or I'll figure it out myself mentality. Wow, I really had created such an identity for myself, so I would never feel pain nor would I ever be a burden and of course if I was all of that--then who could resist me? Right?

The man who wants to take care of me and realizing all of these things which kept me alone and single--frightening--frightening, when you can see it as "glaringly" obvious. And weird when you keep dropping these beliefs by the side of the road. Man have I ever made my life far more difficult then it ever had to be, ever! And I am not talking with just the "man" thing, I am talking in all relationships and my career too.

The night before last "the past guy" came for me in my dream. How funny, I knew I dreamt of him cuz I woke up feeling like he and I had been physically in each other's presence. In the dream, the conveyance was his exes had been put in a place were he is freer.

I need to make sure I'm freer in myself-I can only be true to me. If I ever was with him again, it would be funny, because I would be so different, not worried about pleasing him or trying to be perfect in some weird "dating book" way....I would be myself. YES! MYSELF! DAMMIT!!!!!

As I walked in my neighborhood yesterday, I had moments of doubts. I swatted them away easier than ever. I was able to say, "no" to fear and doubt. I actually had the weirdest vibe, that I was going to round the corner to my house and see the "man's vehicle" parked in front of my house. It didn't happen, but I still wasn't discounting it. I must stay open to all, even if he never shows up. Remember this is the man who said we were a match forever and then turned around and said he could not do a relationship (uh yeah, he wasn't rejecting me, just a relationship), but in the same breath that who knows we could be together some day in the future, cuz we were meant to be....enough fucking with my head on that one, huh?

I realize somewhere in me it plays to that small child who created a numb wall around her, so as not to feel pain. I was waiting for my Dad to make me a priority, accept me as I was and support me--cuz honey, I was hung out to dry as a kid. I know this, I see it, and I am doing my best to heal it and let it go.

My husband will do what has never been done not just in pursuit of me--he'll know I am the one for him, and I will be fully aware seeing him as the one who suits me.

My husband will accept me for who I am and who I am not. He will love me and be there as my fame grows, as my abilities to reach more people grows. I will meet the president someday.

I said this post was a stream of consciousness, *wink*

Just a daily adventure

2008-12-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

As I continue to crack my ass open and be "vulnerable" to ridicule in my enduring "belief" of my wish to have a husband before my next birthday...I had a friend back in Nashville ask me if I knew anyone there for her to connect with for business.

I told her I had another entertainment industry exec and would see if he was open to an introduction.

She asked if there was anything she could do for me...ahem. I, in my new found living the "intentionally" crazy wish-like life, told her she could help in my quest.

Ummm..so she writes me back this morning and says she has a rather bizarre offer. It appears a friend of hers "reps" a millionaire matchmaker out here in L.A. who happens to have a radio show. They are always looking for fresh meat, errr, I mean, "open to receiving" an introduction to a wonderful man. She said it cost nothing and couldn't hurt. I agreed.

You should know, this is sooooooo against what I normally would do, but I'm living large and am committed to having the commitment. I am good with it though, just another door opening up to more possibilities.

Meanwhile, the other guy from eHarmony who I have been conversing with is the first experiment for me. I decided I was not going to pull my usual, "wait and see" or "go with the flow" in terms of letting the guy steer the ship of information. I don't mind the guy steering the ship in terms of "next step", but I tend to shortchange myself in not asking questions.

So, I composed an email this morning and asked a few probing questions. Not questions in terms of "he and I", but in terms of certain things which may challenge him in the context of a relationship. Here is an excerpt:

So, I was thinking I would send a few questions as we get to know each other. And I am totally making this up as I go; I have never been one in the past to ask much. I have always tended to just go with the flow as far as getting to know someone over time.

I joined eHarmony, because I am in a place of openness to someone who can be a partner for the long run. I, myself, have had to do a ton of soul searching in "being real" with myself and what my responsibility is in not having had a successful committed relationship (cuz if I obviously had, I wouldn't be here,LOL). I am interested in not being "perfect" LOL! And having real communication. I am an optimistic person by nature, but have been through many trials/tribulations....which in going through these things has left me with a greater appreciation of the world, people and life in general.

By the way, I will gladly answer anything you want to throw my way.

So, what for you is the way you usually go about resolving problems?
What would you say the areas are in a relationship that are difficult for you emotionally when it comes to communication with your partner?
What do you want from a relationship?
Who is your favorite cartoon character?

The last question is very important to me, it determines if we are definitely compatible, HA!

I felt so funky after I sent it that I knew I did the right thing. Why? Because I opened myself up to rejection, I opened myself up to not playing it safe and when I center myself, I know that no matter what his response is...I am being true to myself. It will save me the heartache down the line, especially if he responds with not looking for a long term relationship with anyone sort of answer. Then it is time for "next"!

Acorns droppin' on your head

2008-12-21T21:59:00.001-08:00

Months ago, I would run at 4:30 ish in the morning. I had to be to work in Hollywood by 8 a.m. and I needed to get my 8 mile run in each day. If I missed it, I felt anxious all day long. When I run, I meditate. I learned meditation years ago through my metaphysical teacher. I also would do ESP card games with her and listened to her spiritual advice. My teacher is over 70 now and we still talk often.

I spoke to her yesterday in fact, I gave her advice....advice that she had given me. I laughed and told her, "These are your words", now you need to do as you say! She laughed and said, "Now the student is teaching the teacher". She has an incredibly hard existence, she needs to take care of herself and make sure she is happy. She needs to let go of others whose problems she seems to shoulder. Anyways, I am not sure where this post is going. Maybe I should call it ramblings of an intentionally crazy person? Afterall, it is a choice for me.

Back to running and meditating; I would mediate and talk to God/Universe about whatever it was that needed clearing out. One morning, I kept asking "what was it that made me so miserable"? "What was I doing"? And as I said the next statement, and acorn bonked me on the head; I said, "Why do I keep punishing myself?" Talk about an "AHA moment"! Although, it was a few months more before I actually was giving the Universe the time of day in getting back on the path.

I mean, I still prayed or "discussed" sorta like "cawfee tawk" with God. But, like hell, would I getting back on the spiritual path that had kicked my ass so badly (I really had no idea what I was in store for in terms of being dragged back on the awareness path) in the past.

I cannot tell you how battered I felt and when all the shit started caving in on my ill built house of cards this last go-round, I couldn't believe God would do this again. (Yeah, what responsibility?) I had the rug pulled out from under me, but it is only in the past couple of months that I look back to earlier this year and the period of a couple years before, that I think, "How the hell did I think I was happy?" I was scared shitless to lose my job again, I would've eaten cow manure if it meant I could have a steady paycheck. I had gone to the other end of penny pinching, I was fanatical...and probably more miserable than I had ever been in almost every area of my life.

So, am I all better now? No. But I am way more cognizant, happy and at peace. Especially when I started taking responsibility for myself. Instead of living in the victimhood of having things "done to me". I do think, yes, the Universe had a hand in the timing of everything falling apart at once, because I am not sure if it was bit by bit, that I would have been as compelled to notice?

Last Night Redux

2008-12-21T20:20:00.000-08:00

Well, the synchronicity continued. Went to my friend "C's" party, eclectic mix of people. Brought my friend "M", who upon entering the premises was asked if she knew how to make eggnog. Ms.M, of course rattled off the recipe and took over the mixing of the multiple batches. She was the delight of many at the party. And when she said she taught bellydancing, there was even more adoration from the gaggles of females.

We sat down in the living room with the peacock themed X-Mas tree, my friend "C's" roommate is a set designer for a well known TV series. She had the most beautiful tree with peacockian themes running throughout and at the bottom instead of a blanket, peacock feathers adorned it in a circle.

The synchronicity portion was sitting in the living room we met "F", who works with "C's" roommate as a stand in for an actor in this series. She was from Paris, of course "M" lived there for a year and went to school, she speaks French fluently. All of a sudden, "F" points at "M" and says she recognizes her. Turns out she had been to "M's" website several times and wanted to take bellydance classes. Then "M" says it is confusing, because I do not introduce her by her "stagename", so I looked at her and said, "Alrighty, from now on your name is ML (first two letters of her given name and stage name)...cuz we don't want to cause any confusion now do we?" I found it pretty funny, everyone was asking her for lessons and wanted to see her perform.

Anyways, I started talking to "F" and asking my usual probing questions, I am not a lover of small talk. I prefer to talk about real topics. And she was saying how she always had a feeling of closeness to Joan of Arc and that many things in her life had crossed paths, so to speak, with Joan of Arc. She mentioned having a major "purpose" in her life. I asked what and surprisingly, she said making her movies about finding one's soul. Finding your spirit, teaching through nonviolence. Breaking old patterns and behaviors which keep you imprisoned in the past. Who knew I'd meet someone who walked a similar path?

In fact both "M" and I commented on her openness to such a thing, being from Paris, the reputation is to tend to eschew spiritual quests like this as airy fairy b.s. She said she was a rebel and always tells people she does not represent the rest of her homeland.

We talked for a while with "P" my other new found pal of the evening listening raptly as we covered spirituality, life, goals for both of us, her relationship, and astrology. I know quite a bit about it, but my belief in it goes only so far as birth charts---although if I meet Mr. Husband before the end of the year--I will have to give a little credence to the current planet situation. I tend to think when someone says Mars or some other planet is in retrograde, that it doesn't matter--the planets are always doing something to fuck up your day, if you allow it!

As I was getting ready, to get ready to leave, "F" brings up the "garden analogy"...almost verbatim she says the same thing the guy from eHarmony told me earlier in the day--freaky shit, huh? I started laughing and had to fill "F" in on my whole synchronicity day; it also included having met her, a very kind soul.

Meanwhile as I am ACTUALLY, LITERALLY this time, getting ready to leave, my phone registers text messages from my 17 year old "When are you coming home?", don't ask--if I understood her need to know, I'd be a millionaire. One other guy from eHarmony who seems really nice and a text from my friend "H". One of those "call me first thing in the morning, I have got something to tell you". So, I contemplate answering her, afterall it is 12:30 at night...but, I think...she is going through a divorce after 20 years of marriage--better make sure she is okay.

So, here I am driving and talking in the middle of the night to my crazy friend who is thinking of committing adultery and she wanted to make sure the signs she was picking up from the guy, are really "signs". I had thought she was upset about her "ex" or some other thing (she is also on leave from her job at one of the banks which took a shit)...but noooooo, she wanted to discuss this upcoming Jerry Springer episode that she was planning to star in.

The other note I need to make here is that I have drank wine all week-end. I tried and did not want to imbibe, but I have been out now three days straight...so, how do you say "no" to really good vino?

Consciously wishing

2008-12-20T18:10:00.000-08:00

Today has been a struggle of keeping clear. I feel this weight (could be hormones, God knows at 44 it's all become fun) and cloudy feelings. I started to doubt the Universe is listening, because I am only human and in that desire to give up and release all things resembling victimhood....I still have moments.

I record this here for posterity. Aware that I make the "statement", so hopefully at some point I can see this as a total experience rather than just an upward swing of my bat as I hit at the Pinata full of my wishes bursting to unfold. I want to remind myself that I was not Pollyanna through the process and that it has taken me YEARS to reach this point in my life. The point where I have worked through enough of my own crap to have the clarity to continue connecting the dots of my behaviors and patterns.

In my shitty moments of being a "doubting Thomas", I feel this overwhelming compulsion, this urge to give birth to all that I have held back from myself. It is winning over the part of myself which wants to fall back into struggle and punishment. I will not allow it!!! I simply will drag myself kicking and screaming to staying in the intention of having my wishes come true.

I state each morning and at other points during the day, my wish for my husband to come get me. I squeeze my eyes tight and hold it in my heart. I feel it resonate and the urge kicks in too. It makes sure there will be no permanent backsliding.

Funny thing happened today. I had a guy call me from eHarmony. I wasn't sure if this would be a protracted and painful conversation, but it turned out to be a surprise. He was intrigued by my wanting my psychology degree. He had almost pursued a graduate degree in psychology, but instead went into hypnotherapy. He did well, but stopped because he found most people just didn't want to get better...he found it frustrating to deal with daily.

I thought, hmmm...I have given hypnotherapy a bit of thought as something I could while attaining my graduate degree too. It'd be great to offer all of these things, but I need money to live on and well, that sort of takes precedent over my being able to attain all of my dreams in the next "less than a year" time period.

Anyways, we talked more...he said he knew I had done marketing, because I kept saying the phrase "So that", in explaining whatever the hell I was explaining. Anyways, he was perceptive and then I said the stuff about coaching, he said I should pursue it, he has clients who are coaches earning mega-bucks. Skipped around a few more subjects, and I said something "optimistic" that reminded him of the character from "Being There" that Peter Sellers portrayed in the movie. (I have never seen the movie in its entirety) I had simplified something and he loved the insight. He then spoke of how Chauncey equated everything with the concept of gardening, the planting of seeds, the watering, the fertilizing, the pruning, etc... as a metaphor and I held my breath as he said this cuz frankly, IT WAS ANOTHER FREAKIN' SIGN!

I have been using the analogy or metaphor of gardening. I have given myself as a job title "Lead Gardener". I told him how I am always explaining the gardening concept to people as to how I live my life. Even the "guy" I dated earlier this year used some of the garden metaphor. Anyways, I told the guy today about my gardening theme, he laughed and said, "You should use it for coaching" and I said, "Wow, I never thought of it, but you are right." It just clicked for me! I finally felt the whole coaching and attitude for it and how I would approach it.

He needed to go attend to his son and as we were saying good bye. We got disconnected. He had been saying he'd call me next week, and my phone took a shit.

I tried calling back, but kept losing service. I thought for a second, "Whoa Nelly!", don't worry, you are unable to get service, he'll figure out you didn't hang up on him and if he thinks you did then you don't want to know him anyways...if he is interested he will call back. So, when my service came back on I called back my girlfriend, whom I had been playing phone tag with today.

He didn't call back right away...but a couple of hours later and I missed the call. It was cool, he said his battery died and that he loved talking to me and would call me next week. I was proud of myself for not stressing, letting go and it all worked out.

I am wishing for more synchronistic moments, because you see...in my cloudy moments this afternoon, I was interrupted by this man's phone call. And right before he called, I had been saying, "C'mon Universe, give me some signs...just give me a little synchronicity."

Guess I got my wish.

As I write my blog today

2008-12-20T12:52:00.001-08:00

I am sitting here writing, trying to catch on my lack o’ logging and blogging this week. Time to get with the program.

I saw Katherine Woodward Thomas this week and just received an email from Noelle Oxenhandler. I HIGHLY recommend both books they wrote, IF you are really, really in a place to open yourself up to the life you “wish” for and will put “active intention toward manifesting it into groovy-ass, pie in the sky sort of goals". Why not? What is stopping you? Ohhhhh...you are stopping you.

Well I understand that one. Been there, done that and sometimes still do that...BUT much less than before!

On a sort of side note, before I forget: It does not matter how you view “intention, law of attraction, positive affirmations, visualizing, creating your dreams in reality, etc…” as to if it is from a spiritual, psychological, scientific, pragmatic or emotional viewpoint….I believe life is what we create. Yes, unexpected shit happens, but what you do with it is what creates your experience.

A friend posted this link yesterday on Quantum Physics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9bVd3BspIQ

It is all related.

Here is Noelle’s link: http://www.noelleoxenhandler.com

Here is Katherine’s link: http://www.callingintheone.com

Here is the experiment from psychologist Richard Wiseman on Lucky People (same shit as law of attraction): http://www.richardwiseman.com/resources/The_Luck_Factor.pdf

Yup! It is all the same damn thing, no matter how you slice and dice it. If you are anything from an atheist to a Christian and anything in between…I would think any of these ways of viewing “how good things come to you and life happens in a synchronistic flow” could be found to be the same exact thing.

Super Amplified Pursuit of Air

2008-12-19T22:47:00.000-08:00

So, this book included another burning ceremony. The list was "I release" and "I embrace". Being the detailed person I am in not wanting the Universe to mistakenly think I was okay with holding onto any old, detrimental patterns in the pursuit of my intention, I think I burned extra doses of "releasing". I wrote the same thing, but just changed a few words around to make sure my ass is covered.

We'll see. I am feeling a VERY intense feeling the past 48 hours. Almost overwhelming in how I am sooooooooo dedicated to my life taking a turn for the better, it is like wanting to rip the seams of my old existence out of my hemline, actually forget that! I just wanna rip the whole dress off and go find a better looking, better fitting one.

I find I have little patience for manipulation or for the normal dating games. An example, there is this one guy on eHarmony, who checked out my profile 30 seconds after I joined. He did not contact me. I contacted him in my flurry of "icebreakers". He responded with "let's chat". I responded later that day with "the next step". I also saw he checked my profile again after my sending him the next step. Have I heard from him? No. I state this as an example, for two reasons. The first: I was not wanting to pre-judge him, he is very attractive and I normally would never have contacted him. I already think men that are good looking tend to be jerks, airheads or looking for Ms.Perfect. My openness to a new kind of package does not just include men who may not be as attractive as I like, but men who are more attractive then I like. So, his lack of response confirms that belief. I don't want it to, but frankly if he saw my profile and is not responding then that leads me to Number 2: I am so very, very not interested in anyone contacting me who does not want to or thinks playing the "wait, don't be overanxious, I am a cool dude game" is intriguing. I just want down to earth and low maintenance. This is already a high maintenance sort of thing.

So, I should just close it and be done. That would be "new: for me too. You see, I am trying to be as authentic with myself in showing I stand behind my intention of having Mr.Wunderbar in my life. Does that include "X-ing" out the guy who seems to be rolling up my welcome mat?

I am looking for a glimmer of synchronicity today, just a drop to show me it is all good and headed toward the goal. Then I will continue to break my old behaviors, set up by the insecurity of rejection and the belief I was to be alone. Difficult to believe I carried this crap since I was a small kid.

Maintaining Tension, oy vey!

2008-12-18T09:08:00.000-08:00

The suggestion to maintain the tension coming from the "guy", in an attempt to somehow create a space for someone is a tall order. A part of me wants to keep slamming the door on those "vibes" and another part keeps picturing explosives going off at the foot of a brick wall.

I have always been a black and white kind of chick. I tend to not live well with seeds in the air. They must be planted or dead. LOL! I know it is the state of non-attachment we are seeking to hold open. I am not attached to an outcome, but I am attached to my brain having some organized function when it comes to the topic of someone I used to date.

It scrambles it all up, makes me uncomfortable and I don't mind discomfort, but usually I want to bank on a resolution that comes to the discomfort. The only resolution I keep re-focusing on is "A" "MAN" coming to get me. Not "him" or any other connotation of knowing who the hell is coming for me, just any man who fits into the internal criteria I have listed on the "wish list".

I have really expanded the way I am dealing with eHarmony this time. I actually sent out "icebreakers", that is just so unlike me! I actually am conversing with people who I would have discounted for "this or that" in the past without really knowing who they are beyond "hello".

I do confess, I don't want to meet the ones who are not smiling in their pictures. It makes me think they are not happy. I am not about inviting unhappiness in on purpose and frankly, if you are having a bad day when you take that picture with your camera-phone, then maybe you should have waited til an internal sun was shining down upon you.

Or you are high on drugs, tipsy or someone was tickling your feet...at least to give the impression that you are a happy camper.

So, I have opened up all pieces and parts...the other thing I started doing and I cannot fucking believe I had the balls to do it, I am telling almost complete strangers of my intention. I had a new hairdresser yesterday, she owns a nearby salon. Her boyfriend of 6 years (minus 1 year they spent apart) came in and was so sweet. She said he comes in all the time and she almost didn't choose him cuz he was short. He wanted her , so he pursued. He was also her ex-boyfriend's best friend. She said, "okay" and they went out on a first shitty date. He then called her 6 months later to go shopping, she didn't want to, but went as his friend. At the end of the night...they were dating continuously for 6 years, minus that one year in which they did not.

I had earlier in the morning sent out an email to a couple of people who I had to completely "eat" the fear of looking idiotic and telling them of my intention to be married BEFORE my next birthday. And gee, golly willikers, if they happen to know a guy or two, or three...please send him my way. Ya know, if you don't mind.

And so as I was talking to my new cool hairdresser..I got a message back from one of them. I don't remember the exact content, but it was highly amusing and of a smart ass nature. So, I then had to share "why" I was laughing...and why she may think I am a "crackhead", but I didn't care and this sort of bold, nerves of steel thing took over. And continues to in almost every conversation I have with anyone who may not know of may intention.

And of course, that I am supposed to meet him before the end of this year. I figure while the Universe is at it, why not make it happen NOW.

And of course, I will admit, I have been asking for this guy to show up for a long time. I just did not know how UNREADY I had been before.

So, if anything transpires from any of these people, eHarmony or a stroke of miracleness, I will record those happenings here in the blogosphere.

Met the Author

2008-12-17T12:31:00.000-08:00

So, met the author of the book I have been reading and following to continue opening myself up to the greatness that is about to be my husband showing up and seeking me out now. It was very interesting meeting her; I told her how I knew the church she belonged to even before "reading" what church that was and how I keep seeing the guy who leads the church all over the place. He is scheduled to be on Oprah coming up in the next couple weeks.

I shared a lot with her in our 90 minutes together.

Gave her a synopsis of my childhood, men and my intentions. She spotted a pattern of picking men who were not emotionally supportive of me, like my Dad, while I was growing up.

I told her also about the enormous psychic pull I feel toward or from the "guy" I have mentioned here on my blog. She said she felt I needed to allow it, that the "tension" to her was a good thing that this unresolved connection creates in me. She said I had a habit of slamming things shut, if I think it is "bad", I tend to shove it away. I need to live in the unknowing openness to things. That limbo-land that is not black and white.

She felt the "guy" and I are incomplete. She is right, BUT to me that does not mean I hold a candle just for him. I have a flame open to all, the door is wide open to anyone to come through now. I believe the connection will fade in time. I let go, it feels stronger...and I feel compelled to keep letting go too.

She said when I run into him to treat him like he is part of the intention I have set in magnetizing my "husband" into my life. That would be a totally different way of responding when I run into him.

I am also to believe the Universe will bring me a strong enough man. She felt there was a chance it was him(Believe me I did not ask her what her thoughts were about him--she volunteered all of this info), no matter who it is the "knocking down of walls" shall continue.

I will have a date for New Years and I will meet my husband at any minute, I just know it!

Greatness and Anxiety

2008-12-16T12:39:00.001-08:00

If you admire greatness in another human being, it is your own greatness you are seeing.-Debbie Ford

I believe that statement, because of my belief in mirrors we provide for one another each day. Today has been a bit if a challenge. I do not understand when my brain is not sharing the body sensations. I keep stopping to look and see if I can put my finger on the "feelings" which are casting a shadow upon my activity today.

I cannot nail what it is, but I know it is related to the "guy". It is shit like this which makes me CRAZY! There is no logic. There is no sentimental reminiscing going on. There is no future fantasy. There is no current moment of wanting him to show up on my doorstep. NONE OF THESE THOUGHTS HAVE CROSSED MY MIND TODAY! NONE!

It is this pervasive, insidious slithering of underlying connection...to... a feeling... that is wanting to be noticed. What is the feeling? To describe it, would be like a pulling on my soul...a tug at my heart...a kiss in my ear...a feeling trying to beat its way into my home. And why? I have no idea. It is days like this where I am certifiable. Cuz, I cannot allow it or not allow it...neither one resolves the "feeling". It is like being stuck in quicksand, where can you go and what can you do? All it comes back to is...this isn't done! And I want to throw large pieces of furniture out of my window.

I am done. I have been done. Maybe my karma is not? Maybe he is not? Maybe I just need psychiatric help?

I am not pining or wanting. I am not thinking he is the man for me on a logical plane.

All I know, is today I am anxious. Today I am waiting to see the miracles I have cleared my house and emotional baggage for to finally pick up their pace and come racing in to greet me.

I have no baggage for this man or about what we had, I forgave it...I let go of it...I don't hold him to anything nor do I expect anything.

In fact, against what I said before, I figure I'd show the Universe I am opening up to other opportunities and signed onto e Harmony. My chiropractor sees people from that company as patients. He told me stories. I thought, "What the heck, got nothing but $60.00 to lose (like I can afford it)". I filled out the personality quiz, which is such a bunch of horseshit, but "hey" I am being VERY open. I am going with the top of my list "want" in a man...KINDNESS. I am being real about myself and what I want, so we'll see if I get to be one of their 450 success stories one month.

Meanwhile, I have lit 8 or so candles, a basic inferno in my room, which I promised to stay out of, but for the purposes of intention, I need the physical proximity at least for a moment, to them.I am burning down any resistance, blowing open all doors to opportunity and standing by as I courageously allow myself and push myself into an uncomfortable space to grow...so I can fucking meet the bitchin' dude, already!

I am fucking ready and waiting babe! Where the hell are you? :-)

In The Stages

2008-12-15T19:55:00.001-08:00

So, exercise for day 18 brought up interesting epiphanies.

The thing is, I have been over some of this territory in the past. Today, was a BIG one. I have been ALONE, since I was a small child. I will spare all the past drama and "why", but it is funny...I saw everything clearly in how I have been, even in a relationship.

I am always in need of being alone, when I am with people, I find I have to ground myself alone. There is a part of me always separating to be alone. Even with my kids, I was with them most of the morning and afternoon. The first place I headed upon entering the house...my bedroom. I have been like this forever. My ex-husband used to complain about the need to separate. It isn't like most people who want to have some space, this is a desire to detach completely from others...even if it is for a short while.

I realized that this is the "unconscious, that I have made my fate". So...I am now sitting in my dining room, no more laptop in my bedroom. I will spend all day until I feel like wrapping it up for the night out among the people I love or out of the house with friends/work. I saw all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place with this revelation emotionally.

I love those clicking moments.

What lies behind us and what lies between us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Weeds

2008-12-14T09:41:00.000-08:00

As I walk this morning, the thought of me as a kid came up.

I watched these t.v. shows last night, they were X-mas shows from my childhood. As I watched, I would feel a strong swell of emotion. Crazy huh? It was not easy to grasp "why".

Thus far, I can sorta pinpoint it to my dreams as a little kid. I wanted to believe fairy tales existed, because I was so miserable as a kid. My parents always said it was "me", "I was born that way; I could never let go and have fun; I was cold and selfish, etc..."

When I was young, I couldn't trust anyone or anything to be there for me. I didn't trust my parents. They had failed me in being supportive, trying to understand me and ostracizing me to try and change me into what they believed I should be, on top of that they left me alone more often than a kid should be left. I would then isolate, cut off....so I was impenetrable from their words.

I was someone I didn't want to be as a kid, I was told who I was...was wrong. That the person I was had very negative characteristics according to others....so why would I want to be myself?

I know many people experience these sort of feelings, which then turn into beliefs as kids. When you're a kid--you don't have the filter or wherewithal to think adults or caregivers were wrong in their opinions. They are human and as fucked up as any other human being.

As I get ready to go see them for lunch I am as usual on the fence emotionally, neither to this day will admit they were wrong or had any hand in who I came to identify myself to be, they believe I created this all by myself--they still fight to hold on to being "right".

It is not an issue for me so much, I gave up on wanting a certain kind of relationship from them a long time ago. My Mother wants a fantasy relationship. She has expectations that she should be catered to and that because she is perfect, it is just something that is wrong with her kids, not her. She is a victim and a martyr to this day, her choice. I just choose not to engage anymore. I am cool with the distance now.

Getting back to my walk, I thought of my reaction to last night's TV marathon. The thought konked me on the head, "I always felt so unbelievably" alone as a kid. No wonder I am two opposites with no middle ground in some instances. I either hide from the world or want a house full of people. Even if I want the house full of people, I find a need to escape too.

Wow, what idiotic beliefs I had! I was such a lonely kid, who felt unworthy and that I had no value...on top of the fact I thought I was so ugly.

I'm unloading this shit still all these years later. I just hope I have almost reached peace with it...I hope it fails to be my future.

I guess my fear of rejection is tied into it too-so I'd pick men who wouldn't reject me.

Although. This last one did.....I didn't expect it based on what he said all along (we were meant to be together)....and even afterwards. I carried that hope I would finallly be redeemed, that he was going to keep his promises. Hmmm...He would find me worthy? Is that it?

I know how deeply embedded this crap is, because I have been throwing out old beliefs for years. On a logical, intelligent level, I know better. On an emotional level, I'm trying to drop these bullshit beliefs.

I also have to say, please Universe, don't make my life wait until I think I'm perfect for it to begin anew! I don't want to wait any longer for love to come in the door. And I will never be perfect, just more authentic!

Weird Little Things

2008-12-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

So, I went out for wine last night. YUM!

I met my landlord earlier in the day. Don’t really have the rent $$. He and I talked, I am already setting up the mediation firm for him….anyways, long story short. He is thinking of having me just do stuff around his office to help him for a certain amount of hours, so that it equates out to my rent. I also told him when I was done that I am ready to get married. Told him to send people my way that were “good and nice”. I am seriously thinking of sending everyone I know a description of what I am looking for…basically the male version of me.

I also told my chiropractor that I am looking to have a marriage happen here…of course not just to anyone, otherwise I could’ve been married already.

What was the point of this post?

I forgot.

Well, on another note. I decided to watch Christmas shows tonight on tv. My kids think the shows I grew up watching are just stupid and boring, um yeah…they like reality shows, cuz those are just soooooooo much better!

So, I am thinking I wonder if any of them are on or if I have to rent them, although I saw 3 for $10 at Big Lots the other day….

Long story short. 30 seconds later, I receive a text message from my friend who owns an animation company. He tells me his show is on tonight and to watch it! It is The Meiser Brothers X-Mas (or something like that) and it is on ABC family….so I check out the guide, lo and behold they have a whole “slew” of all those shows I want to see, so I have my daughter Tivo it (cuz I still haven’t figured that the fuck out) and I am about to watch all those shows.

The Universe works in mysteriously funny ways, eh?

Going to see the author

2008-12-12T23:33:00.000-08:00

I made an appointment to meet with the woman who wrote the book I am currently reading and performing exercises in conjunction with to be as OPEN as can be to the man I am about to meet and eventually marry. I walked around yesterday, knowing I had to dump something that has been hanging…knowing it was this “load”, but not able to understand what exactly the connection was internally.

I went to the chiropractor yesterday. I have so much in common with his wife. He informed me that I will be running a marathon with him, because my ass will be fixed soon (hmmm–glad he is optimistic). Anyway, I am searching most of the day for the “key” to unlock the shiteous feeling I am experiencing. As I walk out of the doc’s office, I experience a click–the emotional click! YAY! Intellectual clicks don’t solve the problem, emotional ones…you know you are on the road.

I realized the guy was a punishment. The whole thing was about me being punished. I figured it out awhile ago intellectually, but I couldn’t budge it on an emotional level. The whole relationship and psychic connection has been about me needing to be punished, left over from childhood. I was always wrong, always in trouble….not born right according to the parents. Anyways, I am not going thru this shit to be a VICTIM, I am stating it for the purpose of a very short explanation.

Anyways, I felt really calm since then, there is still something else there in relation to the guy. I get some of it now, which gives me hope that he will be entirely dropped from my psyche sooner rather than later.

So, when I go see the author on Wednesday…I will either have already met the guy or she can give me the last shove I need (she is also a coach and a psychotherapist)…and then the door will be wide open.

Funny thing is the spiritual community she belongs to keeps coming up everywhere I go lately too. Strange stuff, huh? Even on Facebook. I am connected to someone who is going to watch Oprah, and I look at who the guest is…it is the leader of the spiritual community. Too funny. We’ll see what else takes place.

Who?

2008-12-11T13:36:00.001-08:00

I no longer try to change outer things. They are simply a reflection. I change my inner perception and the outer reveals the beauty so long obscured by my own attitude.I concentrate on my inner vision and find my outer view transformed.-Daily Word

It has been a morning to speak of in transformational terms. In my place of following my intuition and not the “should, have to, and stress thoughts”, the challenges start to crop up.

I have chosen my career path. In the meantime, I need to make a living, but will not put school on hold for a job. I have put things on hold too many times and made sacrifices. There no more sacrifices to be made.

I may not have a roof over my head much longer. I have no idea where the rent will come from, but I am not doing thing to punish myself in terms of a job. Any work or job which comes to me from all of my networking, etc… will have to fit my life at this point. The compromises you make, will always need to be made if you choose to allow them. I choose to have what I want in this life, now.

I listened to an author speak over and over today. She felt much the way I have felt about myself and has transformed her existence. She is married and has a child. She is happy and where she needs to be, because she sought out “who she was, who she was being and what she needed to do to become who she is”.

I walked around for awhile feeling that way, not sure how to change that, cuz I felt I had rid myself of also falsehoods when I saw myself. Not so fast, I guess, cuz here I was today.

Love or fear? I am choosing love. But fear is a strong competitor, especially when it comes to basic needs. I cannot sell myself short anymore. I did a meditation a short while ago. I asked to have the man I am going to marry sitting in front of me.

I felt the most comfortable feeling, like it “just was”. I felt warmth, contentment and happiness. I felt all of the things that I have never recognized before in any relationship. I asked the Universe “Who do I need to become to be married before my next birthday?” “What do I need to do?” “Who am I being and what do I need to let go of?”

I have been letting go for so long, it is now placing wonderful, happy items in the vacant area. I am not alone. Although, I was raised to believe I was…my parents always told me I could’ve raised myself, I was their little soldier (it made it okay for them to leave me), I never could feel safe to show emotion, etc…I worked through a lot of this over the years. There was still the one pervasive issue. Somewhere in there it got stuck, that I was meant to be alone. That I somehow didn’t deserve to have anyone with me…that I would grow old by myself, etc…

No way! Not anymore. I know it, I stopped in the meditation, once my thoughts went to the Universe posing the questions I stated above. I felt from my heart this pain move upward through my throat to my head, in fact my head still hurts, in a weird spot too–the top and back of my head. I cried, a deep soulful cry….”I am not alone” “I know I am not alone”. The pain started to subside a bit and release itself out of my mouth. I hugged my younger self and said “You are not alone and you never really were, it was how you perceived the situation”.

This isn’t about laying blame, this is about owning my victim-hood, the one which has kept me separate and single for 13 years. I am done with it! I will release and release until there is nothing left to release.

I am ready to meet the man I will marry! I am ready to watch how my career will unfold with school. I will do the things and BE who I have always envisioned myself to be instead of a speck of that dream.

How to reject correctly

2008-12-10T21:25:00.001-08:00

As my spiritual teacher once told me. Never, ever shut the door.

You can clear the door, but you have to keep it open. If you shut it, you close yourself off to people, places and things that you may want in your life. It truly is a kinder, gentler way of being, but a very hard balance to strike.

Most self-help books in dealing with getting over someone, tell you all sorts of “neat tricks”, most put the focus off you and on the other person. It isn’t all about them. It is about you too. One of the things I have tried to do is focus on the positive in getting over someone. What did I like about them? I am more interested in knowing “what I want”, rather than “what I don’t want”. I can take that with me to my next relationship; I can think and believe in a person I have not met yet ,with those qualities that I absolutely adored in the last guy.

It is an odd way of getting over someone, just as painful, but more positive. I feel lighter like there is less baggage, maybe I am wrong and won’t know until the one “appears”. In knowing how we are mirrors for one another, it would seem to me as I create my life and live in the attitude I hope to have for the rest of my days, that I can’t help but attract a person who is sharing my reflection.

I know I have cut the ties with the last guy. I finally succeeded in removing my psychic pull. I doubt I will ever run into him again, unless it is something I had no part in energetically. I feel freer, even though I still get an image of him standing in the doorway, trying to block the entrance from another guy. As I said before, if you can’t make up your mind about what you want, please step aside and let all who know what they want have a try. He has a shrine at home that he prays too; he will find someone else who also holds a shrine from the past close to her heart too.

I’m not rejecting the guy as a person. I’m rejecting how it made me feel, the type of relationship I had with him did not bring out my best qualities. That did not qualify as something worth repeating, ever. I want good between myself and who I am with in the future; I want to be at my best. And if I am serious about bringing in the good, then I must keep releasing the mediocre, the not so good and the 10 steps backwards sort of relationship.

I also don’t fault him, he was a mirror and hopefully that mirror has changed. I feel the usefulness of that mirror served a purpose. I look at myself so differently now, I almost feel like a new person. I hope the mirror is pointing in a different direction toward a new sunny horizon, with yet unseen travels, people and a man who suits me just right.

Sheer Freakin Joy

2008-12-09T19:36:00.000-08:00

One has just to be oneself. That's my basic message. The moment you accept yourself as you are, all burdens, all mountainous burdens simply disappear. Then life is a sheer joy, a festival of lights-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh

Thought of the walk: Now I will attract men who I used to think I wasn't good enough for...men who I am good enough for now.

What changed?

Absolutely nothing, except my perception about my life and me in it.

I also think all people who think they aren't good enough, find others who aren't good enough and make up the two halves of the whole rotten walnut. Seriously, settling for mediocrity in themselves and their life. You'd have to be a nut of some sort to wish your life to be lived out in such a small shell.

It's a vicious circle. A cycle of self-belief that keeps you stuck in hell, replete with noxious fumes when the bathroom door gets left open.

Think about the fact - if someone felt they were good enough, then wouldn't they BELIEVE love was gonna getcha! And if someone thinks they are good enough, wouldn't they treat themselves pretty damn good? And you too?

If you treat people bad, what does that say about you? It says you are pretty much one unhappy piece of shit.

My favorite saying is either you come from love or fear.
Ding, ding, ding!!!!

Guess what? I chose fear for yeeeaaaarrrsss! I was delusional thinking I chose love for years.

Interestingly enough, I see it clearly now-I don't hide from myself-the shades are stuck in the up position thanks to my lids and so now I can see right in the windows to my soul (except for the grimy handprints on the pane of course). It is a nice view. One I feel an extreme giddiness over lately.

Ill never be perfect, but I'm good enough.

What do sad people have in common?

2008-12-09T06:32:00.000-08:00

What do sad people have in common? It seems they have all built a shrine to the past and often go there and do a strange wail and worship. What is the beginning of happiness? It is to stop being so religious like that. -Hafiz, translated by Daniel Ladinsky

I used to be of this religion and I didn't even realize it for many years. I had internalized it, I didn't necessarily know it as an obstacle. I thought my constant state of melancholy had become a character defect. I didn't realize I let all of it become my story that I told myself.

I have been knocking down beliefs, reorganizing my library of information. I have moved into warp speed.

It has taken years of falling down in my religion, wailing at the wall of sorrow and making beliefs of all the things I couldn't do and thinking any teeny bit of love was worth grabbing onto, whether I really thought it was good for me or not.

In the warp speed that has happened over the past several months, the best way to put it is like being cracked open like an egg. All the book I had read, experiences I had, finally culminated in a clarity to see myself as I truly was.....

And so, my search was on for awhile to try and find sources to help elevate me. I could read a self help or spiritual book in one sitting. I found I had already "been there and done that" as noted.

The last two books I have invested my time in are SO parallel to me in who wrote them and how they wrote their experiences.....and to be in lockstep with two women who "were like me in perspective" is just the coolest thing ever. Their dreams, wishes, aspirations did come true.

I created a collage. On my collage is more words than pictures. It is not done yet by any stretch, but the difference on my collage is that those items will come true, because my intention has been set. I tell everyone I know what I am doing....even if they think I am nuts, it isn't stopping me.

I made a decision. I am following through. I will have my degree done next year and be on to my Masters in Psychology/MFT. I am starting to coach unemployed people for free right now (even though I am basically one of them, save for a single client-who is not paying me anything). I will have all of the other items on my collage too...a happy home, lots of kids, family and friends. The BIGGEST one is of course being married before my 45th birthday next year.

I am going to meet him and I know it, because my attitude has changed dramatically and continues to change daily. Plus I gave up religion....that religion doesn't suit me....

I have gone into my own brand of spirituality, which does not include wailing at a wall of sorrow.

Letter to get rid of an agreement

2008-12-08T08:25:00.000-08:00

Punishing oneself. A way of life that is ending, I am no worse than anyone else. I am not a victim of myself. I am choosing a better life for me.

"Like the Moth longing for the flame, insane for the light that will extinguish its very life, the lover longs for the beloved partner."-Connie Zweig.

Dear guy,

I on an intellectual level and 9 out of 10 days emotionally feel as though I have let go. It appears though two things challenge this belief. 1. My dream last night and 2. The feeling I woke up with this morning.

I was told to write a letter in exercise 11, to get rid of an agreement I made that does not work with me, for me ... only against me. I need to revise it and rethink it, but most importantly... I need to reach inside myself and yank the weed whose roots I have no way of knowing their origin.

I know my insecurities, the toxic relationships I grew up with, the adult relationships I had, etc... why would I continue to have you in any capacity in the doorway blocking the entrance to the life I want. You are an obstacle I want to remove. It is up to me, not you to do it too.

All I want to know is why I can't let go entirely? What is the agreement here?

It is odd, because at times I feel very free from you. You feel so distant and forgotten. Then wAH-baMM! There you are, like you never left.

Was it your words in the one last conversation we had regarding you and I? Or was it the hope springing eternal that you actually for once meant what you said?

You said you loved me, but now was not the time. But who knew in the future, maybe I'd get married then divorced and we'd be together. Or if we met right of high school then we'd be together still. Or that we'll be together soon and in ten years we'd still be together. You were all about "Maybe one day we will, but not now".

All those promises you made, is it all the talk you had of us in the future throughout the time we were together?

Could it not have been those words from you, but words from the psychics, who said we'd be together? Is it their voices that told me we shall be together--that it was meant to be--that the cards they saw in front of them were like spreads they had never seen before? Telling me our connection was written in the heavens. I had never in all my years heard anything like that from any psychic here or anywhere...so I believed. Is this where the catch is? Is this what I have held onto in some deep, dark gray part of me that I can't seem to grasp?

Is there a reason this serves me? I ask for help from a higher source, God what is it? Why can't I see it? And yes I need to let go, please, I want a better life of love. It needs to go so I can have a good real guy, not fantasy come in my life-I need to release you. And I need to let go myself.

Is it because it never fully got off the ground? Is it because I just still want what I didn't get? Is it fear no one else is there? What is it?

I wasn't the me I wanted to be and have "now" become in these old relationships.

Those relationships were with the "me", I thought I should be-some idealized version of my childhood done right.

Those were not for the long haul, because those childhood wrongs will never be right, but they cease to matter. And the space I want to clear with you, I want it wide open so that the sort of man who would be good for me comes through it, you are not good for me or my well-being. That dream last night reminded me of the suffering I went through in the time I spent with you.

It is not a happy thing. This is something that seems to keep a degree of pain and suffering here-why?

I want the door open and I can't close doors anymore, it blocks out things I may want to come through it. I can only release things to go out the door, I don't want what doesn't work to stand in the doorway either or something in the doorway that is still trying to figure out if they should come in or out.

Let it go. Is is it you saying we were a perfect match over and over? Perfectly suited to each other? Perfect together? Alike, you just a little crazier? What is it that I can't release that makes me feel bad?

It doesn't matter what you said or did or do now. It is my holding onto misery and pain that doesn't work. It hurts to have this attachment-where is it? It's the cancer I can't cure in me.

I have to make a new agreement. Here it is, I need to release all hope, options, friendship, connection with you for good. I want good, happy things in my life. I held the things you said as some sort of an agreement within me and now it is time to release it. You are free and I am free.

I give you to yourself. I hope the best for you and that you have a happy life. I want the same for me, which is why our old agreement is null and void.

Warmest wishes,
Me
p.s. This new agreement also brings in new wonderful, real love for me. Replacing the pain and suffering sort of love that has been my cross to bear.

pps...I took this in letter form, stated everything within me I could remotely come up with and burnt it...may I never cross his path again or have the feeling I do of a pain of unrequited feelings or a "maybe" that never came. Please let it be gone once and for all, after all these years of thinking I deserve punishment....it is time for freedom.

diet and running

2008-12-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

Other un-kind habits and patterns I had taken up since teenage-hood:

Now that I have been making cracks in that mirror and really paying attention to these handcuffs I had attached to sadness and aloneness.

I gotta be nice to myself.

My injury has also had me drop the identity of runner. In dropping it, I mourned. Now, I look at it HONESTLY, it helped me to stay attractive. I do love running for a lot of reasons. But, at my core it was about weight control. It was about me believing I wasn't good enough if I gained weight. It was about me believing I was BAD if I didn't run, if I missed my run. Cuz, what if I got fat? Oh no, not that! The self aggredation, I had... it is gone.

I no longer beat myself up over these things all the time. If I start to for any reason give myself a hard time, I stop. I am kind to me. Period.

So, now, I am trying to eat healthy, walk, go to the gym, work out with weights and see where it goes from there.

I like my new lack of identity. I am liking everything about my life. I would love to not be dead broke, but I can't do anything about it, but what I do everyday now.

Continuation from yesterday

2008-12-07T15:41:00.000-08:00

Mirrors again.

How did I miss the entire picture? I saw portions of myself and the "guy" as a super hero duo.

Do I understand with how I treated myself over the years, not very nice that I could expect a man to do the same?

And here I am matching him in the soul department blind to how wonderful I am. He saw me as wonderful too.

He is a very special man, beautiful in many ways and I wonder if he'll ever see how special he is?
I did tell him. And uh, I also pointed things out not critically, but honestly lil things that affected me negatively. Like making promises, he didn't keep. He didn't keep them, because he was afraid and still living in the past.

Guess what? So was I, YAY! I admit it! I was afraid, at that time, what would I have done if he would've followed through?

And hey, do I know how special I am? He used to tell me how special and wonderful I was, but did I really believe it?

I look in the mirror now and you know what I see, when I see me?
-Faithful ad honest, kind, emotionally stable, sweet soul, intelligent, attractive, laughs easily, outgoing, generous, love myself and am loving everybody, committed to being open to marriage, loving, great smile, Mom, divorced, content with my career path, like to travel for pleasure, stable but spontaneous, a degree of introspection, sex is the best, love to communicate, becoming financially solvent. Willing to make a man a priority.....well guess what? That is what I want in a guy. Although, it may sound picky, I would prefer him to be financially solvent (not becoming--like myself)....cuz, I have been through that struggle in a relationship before and it can become the whole focal point of a relationship.

Now I am ready to find out with whomever the "MAN" who will be my husband is...

I have no idea who will be the man I marry, but for the past several years, I didn't realize how I kept myself safe from that ever happening-wrapped in my fears, living in the past, scared yet I didn't even realize these were all obstacles I created, my beliefs kept me single. I was never in any danger of being fulfilled by love, now I have shifted and sorted....and it is all good.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

2008-12-06T23:53:00.000-08:00

There was a time a few months back when I was running (Back when my injury didn't keep me off the streets).

I had told the "guy" to hit the road if he didn't want a commitment. As I ran I thought of the guys I had been with...and how I was left feeling and how I didn't want that "feeling" again, yet I was "feeling" that "feeling" again, are you still with me?

What the heck am I talkin' about?

It was the :one finger pointing...and the other pointing back at me". The mirror reflecting off him, right back at me. It stopped me in my run that day. I called him, and listened to him say "Thank God I called and he was so happy to hear the sound of the voice he missed and he sounded like he was going to cry". Is he really this sweet? Yes, he doesn't make this shit up, he is one of the purest souls (not purest people--not perfect, far from it), but he is pure of heart.

My reason for calling wasn't to date him again. I was calling to make amends and not have a burnt bridge. I am stopping this portion of the story here or I will get way off track with the events that followed over the hours, days and weeks. That can, mmmmmaybe, be another post.

So, I am doing these fun exercises each day. And this one is also on some day in the future, cuz today would be day 10. Okay, I looked it up, it is exercise 13, giving a woundology report.

You see I read and then shit comes in my head and I go "WOW", epiphany, cuz it is accompanied by that lovely clicking sound.

So....I have been a victim. Hopefully, I can explain this correctly. I think for most of my life, I always wanted to hold myself above the fray. I did a good job and still do. Whenever I discuss a failed romantic relationship, I say "I did everything I could, but it failed" and of course everyone jumps in with, "The guy is a total jerk, he treated you like shit or he's a loser or he really likes sheep and still sucks his thumb." Anyways, point is, I would validate myself through this process, I am right... he was wrong. The "he" being, any past "he". I made mistakes, I can do some really stupid shit and dammit, I want, what I want, when I want it! Patience? I don't need no stinkin' patience!

So, this epiphany slapped me. I had responsibility here. I was involved in these situations too. Takes two to Tango.

The truth is...I wasn't ready for the guy this last time. It wasn't just him that it was the wrong time for, it was wrong for me. Why, you ask?

I was connected to him on such a karmic level it was a bond beyond both of us--we were two peas in a pod--obviously, thus the "mirror".

Besides this chemistry he and I had , which I think can only be experienced very rarely in a lifetime or it could actually be "lethal", very simply: I had more growing to do .

I liked lying to myself up til a few days ago. I liked believing I had my shit together when I dated him, but the truth is my shit was loose, diarrhea-like. Although, he had no idea--I hid it very well. I was so anxious, so consumed and that is so wrong a way to live.

I needed to get to where I am now- so I'm stable. I cannot attract a good guy to my life with the layers of anxiety that were still present, despite my working through to what I thought was the subterranean levels over the last several years.

This epiphany included moments of how I felt when I was seeing him, but not with him. Also, highlighting how I thought I was in a good space before I met him, but I was really just settling for a life half-lived existence. Who was I fooling? Obviously myself!

Nope, I guess I needed a ton of bricks to fall on me, like they did and the Universe to hammer into my head that I wasn't moving from this spot until I was good and ready according to the Universe (not me, or I would've been off and running awhile ago).

I will never be perfect or complete. No one is and if they tell you they are...then they are lying. Plus who wants to actually know someone perfect? How boring.

Anyways...I held the guy accountable, I wanted a relationship and he didn't (this was after thinking he did and still wanting to see me, but not the picture I envisioned, so we don't see each other, except in my dreams almost every night, anyways.....).

And now I want whomever in my life in a way that makes sense and that I am ready for at this time. Cuz, I get it, none of those relationships we're ever gonna make me okay. Only I could do that...and I have...you know how I really know?

I got my bewitching period tonight. It has turned me into a stark-raving crazy person, plus physical ailments I never got when I was younger....ALRIGHT, the point, stick to the point.

I feel fine. I have felt so light and free, happy, this has been growing exponentially for months until the rotten egg send off party comes once a month. I feel a little emotional heaviness, not attached to anything, I cried when I read Obama's new appointee for Foreign Affairs to give you an idea of the sort of emotional stuff I am talking about--not real deep, ya know?

I am so knowing that in the years of my single-hood, there was no way a great guy would have tripped over me....and finally, finally that is okay--I am not beating myself up anymore over that, cuz I needed to come in for a landing at a different airfield before I could handle a new trip with a new captain!

Exercise a day ahead

2008-12-05T22:50:00.000-08:00

So, I am doing my exercises in the book about bringing my hubby in for a landing, without going out to fetch him.

The book has resonated with much of my past and present experience as previously noted here on this blog. Each day is a new exercise. Today was #8, tomorrow is #9.

So, I sometimes read the following chapters, ahead of time. And this morning I did.

I took a walk in the afternoon. It is a good time for reflections and things catching me by surprise.

I thought of "H". I had not thought of "H" in a very long time, besides a second or two, as in when someone pops in your head and you think, "I wonder whatever happened to that person"?

So, I thought, what if I ran into him someday. He was someone I dated when I worked in entertainment. He was a producer and I was an idiot shutting down my business--hoping for excitement and glory.

I met him at a party given by my soon to be boss in response to their soon to be movie release. It was a great time and my "boss" introduced me to "H".
We hung out and talked a bit, he gave me his biz card. We danced and he did some weird sort of stroking thing on the back of my hand for a second with his fingertips. Looking back, it was sorta creepy. At the time, I dismissed it (Yeah, those are some of the things I don't ignore anymore).

A few weeks later I had heard from my "new boss". I was coming on board. I wanted to tell "H", plus he had mentioned something to me at the party I wanted to follow up on with him....

So, I called him. Um yeah, he thought I was calling to fuck him.

I sat on my bed talking to him for about 10 minutes before I got the idea and then his words confirmed the intention.

Um, how about "no" for a start. Nah uh, no way.

So, just brand me, I don't know, I would come up with names for myself, but I am trying to be kind to myself even in retrospect over stupid shit I did (see I can say that cuz it was an action, not calling myself stupid or anything).

A couple weeks later I am at the office and this guy starts talking to me like I am his best friend and my boss, thinks we'd make a great pair (mind you he was 12 years older than me--older than anyone I ever dated).

He ends up asking me and is respectful. We have a lot in common, blah, blah, blah....

We are going out for awhile....(yeah, had sex with him. Size doesn't matter when you don't know how to use the equipment you have been fortunately endowed with, let me tell you. It's all in the "being there" giving/receiving and participating like you mean it, that wins this girl!)

Long story, very short. Mr. New Age as he likes to appear to be , all of a sudden says something so inappropriate and demeaning to me that I am shocked. WoW! So, I talked to a friend, give him a note, says "adios" and I am out.

He calls very upset, plus he had a great kid--we really liked each other. He made me feel guilty, said let's be friends. He said, "cool". Then he started treating me like yesterday's trash....

Exercise 9 is on resentment. Rather than to continue this story of "ickiness", I'll cut to the chase.

As you can see in my quest to not resent someone, I was surprised to find I still resented this guy. I always envisioned in the past, if I ever saw him again, that I would just be a jerk to him. And that is what shocked me today.

I still wanted to be a jerk to him.

I still feel like I need a justification for some reason- I don't know why?

After we parted ways, and said to be friends, he would do this weird hot and cold thing with me. I was never sure if he was my friend, interested in me or just disgusted by the sight of me. One time I met him for coffee and was being honest about how I felt and he told me I was a crazy stalker and to leave him alone. I thought it was soooooooooo out of left field.

I had never called him after we stopped dating. I didn't drive by his house or hide in a corner of his office or jump out of elevators at him. I did however forward him joke emails and say "hi" when I ran into him. Once in awhile I would send an email with a "hello or an update of sorts". I guess that was stalker behavior?

Or maybe I just didn't know myself too well. Maybe I was a stalker and he saw it. Maybe I had not admitted my real feelings to myself and all these years I just pointed the finger at him, he was the one who was "messed up"! I was "perfect"! Ewwwwwww.....yup! This lightbulb flickered on today.

Another one bit the dust on the list of lies I've told myself. The men all suck and I am a fairy princess. Right?

I don't feel resentment about anyone else, because I have cleared away all sorts of cobwebs and burnt feelings with men. I just didn't think anything still existed in this department. Guess I was wrong. WAY WRONG! Cuz I am even trying to be "nice", instead of just feeling "charitable" in my description of him.

This guy was critical of me, which does fit a pattern. I am wonderful, but I never believed it.

He made me think I had a screw loose, for a minute or maybe in the back of my mind all these years--that hurt--his words hurt. It resonated somewhere--what if he was right, I was crazy and unlovable? I really never looked at this until today. With exercise 9 and all, it was a brick landing on my head.

By the way, I am the one who most people accuse of having her head screwed on straight.

Yet, why do I keep wanting what I can't have?

So, what did I think I was getting in trying to be his friend? Or when he got a wild hair to communicate with me and would ask me to tea or something--I'd be gung ho!

Did I think I would get him interested in me again? Why would I have wanted such a jerk? Wow- I was so busy all these years saying he was fucked up, so I didn't have to be fucked up.

I guess I am fucked up too, but you know what? It's fucking great to be fucked up!!!!! It really is, I'd prefer it to the expectations I had of myself for so long. The "barre" I was held to growing up, the balance beam I walked on to maintain the sheen of my polished outer layer.

Back then, I didn't want the responsibility or namesake "crazy", so to be called something so inherently "not me", pissed me off (Nowadays please, go ahead, call me "crazy"). I resented him all these years and didn't even know it!

I just didn't want to feel bad about mself.

I have forgiven and accepted, but I guess not him.

Well, guess I found the exercise for today.

Hopefully tomorrow with this discovery the last wisps of "H" will be like a puff of smoke *poof*.

Synchronicity

2008-12-04T18:26:00.000-08:00

I was walking this afternoon. And I realize each day I am getting lighter and lighter (which is amazing, cuz I thought I had lightened my load A LOT already)...thoughts come wafting through on how I used to see things so differently in the context of a relationship. I would be squeezing myself into a narrow opening (one that I created too), trying to conform, before they could criticize.

And not that I always picked critical men. I was always afraid somewhere in a place I would never have admitted to myself, that I seemed to believe I had done something deserving of criticism. All left over from my childhood, thank you very much!

As these thoughts wafted in and the light bulb blinked in my brain, and *FLASH* epiphany city!!

I have had many times like now, but never at the level of clarity in a positive light. So, as I continue on my walk, I got a vibe (one of those fun things about being psychic). I picked up the guy I am going to marry either lives in my town or right next to my town, no more than a few miles away.

Thought that was a pretty strong impression, thought, hmmm...wonder if I walk by his house on one of my walks, wouldn't that be funny.

So, I send a quick email off to my old metaphysical teacher, she is more my friend than teacher at this point...and understands my lack of interpretation of psychic impressions into words.

I look up as I hit send. I see a silver Porsche in front of a house I walk by all the time. I never see cars parked there. Anyways, I hear two men talking at the door. I look out of the corner of my eye, the one is in shorts and leaving...as he comes running down the stairs...we see each other and both smile and say "hi". Then I keep walking and he got in his Porsche and left.

Now what does this mean or not mean? Here's the list:
1. I usually equate ownership of a Porsche as a "lack" in some other part of a man's existence. BUT, I am not going to be judgmental, cuz at this point I have no idea what the gift of my future husband will come wrapped in.
2. He was very nice looking and probably around my age. And if I am meant to meet the guy, it will happen.
3. I look at the meeting as a confirmation of the vibes I was getting--"yes" a man could just walk outside of a house and be "the one". Wouldn't that be a riot if I meet my future husband on a walk?
4. My ex-husband drove a Porsche...and the first time I saw him was for a second, he was leaving the offices of my place of employment. I just caught a glimpse and thought, hmmm...who was that? So, if I run into this guy again, I may be reliving deja vu.

The second time I met my ex, was a week later or so...on a Saturday, both working. He came over to our offices again and I remember looking at him and checking out the weirdest stuff, like the shape of his hands, the fuzz on the back of his neck, his eyes and smile--which he was fortunately blessed with great physical attributes too.

I had just moved back home to save money to buy myself a house. I remember walking in my house and asking my Dad if he knew my ex. My Dad owned the business. He said he knew his Dad (who also owned a similar business), blah, blah, blah.... and then I said...I am gonna marry him. (To this day, I have no idea why I said it, thought it or believed it)

Anyways, I am paying attention to the vibes to just stay open, cuz anything could happen!!!!

Stay tuned-my external circumstances are about to change 190 degrees for the better!!!!!

Surprise for me!

2008-12-03T22:06:00.000-08:00

I went back to my chiropractor today, because they were concerned enough to call last week. I had explained my dilemma; I was not getting any better and I could not afford to keep paying. The receptionist said she'd have the doctor call me back.

He called me last night and said free of charge (75.00) he'd have me come today, because he really wanted to help me. I have also referred 2 people to him, because he does do good work.

So, I was sitting there waiting, typing away on the blog....my turn came up. Took more X-Rays, nothing different there. I really need an MRI, but no insurance, so what is a chick to do?

He poked, prodded, gently yanked, pushed, leaned and dug into my ass, hips and hamstrings (yippee--can you spell "pain").

Then he says to me, "I know you can't get the MRI." "But, if I were in your shoes, knowing your unemployed, no insurance and that you really can't afford to do anything about your injuries...I'd not want to continue to work on fixing the issue."

I nod in agreement.

He continues, "So, since I know that is what I would do, I am determined to make you better--I am "gifting" you three weeks of sessions, three times a week"! I think my eyes grew wide and I was so filled with gratitude, I almost started crying. Then I asked if he likes cookies of brownies, cuz I will be bringing in the sweets!

675.00 worth o' cookies, LOL!

So, there is something else...to go with every other surprise! Too funny! Yet, so awesome!

Scrub a dub dub

2008-12-03T17:45:00.000-08:00

Interesting today....

I was aware of something I noticed in waves over the last several months. Almost like an out of body experience.

It's way more in depth and it's hard to explain.

I have become closer to "what I want" in so many ways.

Along the way I've lost and gained things, people, places and pounds.

I've lost so many identifying things in my life:
I was a runner; I was someone who struggled and suffered; I took on relationships thinking I would make it work no matter what, but gradually after being put thru the meat grinder I walked; I was a corporate person; I tried to live my idea of perfection; I hid away from people--A LOT; I was on a career track different than the one now, which will not happen until I graduate; I always watched my weight-mostly through running; I suffer pain when I walk *fingers crossed* hoping that doesn't go away too; I could keep going, but you get the picture.

The POINT is... I'm DONE.

I'm done with what was and have moved onto what is and what can be. I remember a psychic telling me awhile back; In a year, I wouldn't recognize myself and in some ways it is happening before my eyes. In other ways I have had to mourn certain things. A whole LOTTA mourning went on here. I am so DONE with mourning.

I have to look at the trade off and the biggest, most cool part....I don't give a shit about what I lost.

I find I am not worried about much,(except putting food on the table and paying my bills) and I'm really going with my intuition, it is quite weird.

I have a strong urge right now, as I sit in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office to go home and clear out more stuff from my room, my life, my house...a major purge. Almost like a crazy urge is taking over to have my space as clear as my energy!!!!

So, aside from my PMS hell each month, I hope for the next few days to bring more happy surprises and miracles!

Supercalifragilistic like

2008-12-02T12:31:00.000-08:00

Today I went to Office Depot and bought stuff for my bitchin collage!

I will probably fill it with all sorts of stuff cut out from magazines or drawn on (I'm one of those people who does my own ideas of fonts) plus I can recreate anything I see with my sword--the pen!

So, I cannot wait to begin it set full of my wonderful intentions and knowing that the amazing life I picture inside, will happen! I have really worked to change the voices I wasn't even aware were singing a song to build my external circumstances.

I get it!!!!!

I get it!!!!

And, I hope I continue to see life in this light, that appears to finally be the breakthrough I looked for my entire life.

I do, can and will have the life I want. Nothing will stop me as long as I am here and healthy to proceed forward, yay!

I wrote an email to the author of the book I read about wishing. She wrote me back last night. I had shared a bit of my experience with her and also, that I had never written to an author, EVER!

She wrote a very kind note and also mentioned this quote, "When body and mind are in order, everything else exists in the right place, in the right way."

She also mentioned that although this is true, she thought her and I agreed on the fact that we don't have to remain passive about our external circumstances.

Finally, it is easy to see how intention works when you remove all the internal obstacles. Even though my wishes have not arrived yet, I believe they will...if I want different, than I am doing different, and I know, know, know it will all be good!

Making Space

2008-12-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

Today has been another mirror shining reflections for me with messages.

I spoke to a friend today.

She told me the story of a woman who was an experiment in the law of attraction.

The doctors descended upon her life.

They examined every piece and particle, from her living quarters and garage cramped with too much stuff, to her life crammed with "just stuff".

She was told to dump stuff; there was no room for anyone to come into her life. She needed to make "space".

So, the woman made space and voila! Her "one" came into her life.

I agree about making space.

I have been unloading my space for a couple of years; I am now down to the grande finale. The digging into crutches, negativity in any form, past items unless they fit into one box and the rest is either burned or trashed!

Self help books, *POOF* gone! Especially the themes about men, relationships, break ups, etc...who needs em?

I am a reformed "sad-sack".

I am never having another break up, because I truly TRUST myself to choose wisely. And if I am wrong, I'll figure that out at the time, but why bring a harbinger of doom, such as a break up book, into a new relationship?

No interest in learning about relationships. And after my class in Gender Psychology-- there is nothing conclusive, so it's all bullshit anyway. Ruh Roh?! Yup--B.S.!

I prefer to be pleasantly surprised by my "man".

Tossing old clothes, furniture, journals, you name it....GONE! My daughter is conveniently working at Goodwill for the next two weeks...so she takes stuff with her each time she goes.

I want all the negative reminders. The only thing tugging is my "divorce" poetry. That is some pretty crazy shit! BUT, I like how I wrote it, unfortunately it is really dark shit. Maybe I can give it to someone? Or post it on another blog?

I choose not to suffer. I choose to be happy and invite into my life what I am focusing on, which is being happy and at peace.

I am at the nitty gritty.

"Here" is where I am 100% committed; I've never been committed before internally in the belief that I can be magnetic and draw circumstances, namely "the man" (not just any man) to my life.

Sooooooooooo, I must make room. Don't you agree?

When it flits in

2008-11-30T17:53:00.000-08:00

Interesting to feel as though you are living in an out of body experience, each day.

I have been keeping my mind clear and letting whatever wants to wander in, come visit for a bit.

Well, you would have thought I was struck by lightening lately. Look, I am just going with the cues I receive through my radio antenna

I was out walking earlier, and *poof* this place on the beach popped in my head. The thought attached to this picture was, "You should call to find out how far in advance you need to plan to reserve a wedding."

WHAT?!?!? I don't even have a groom, LOL! Whatcha talkin' bout Willis?

That's just so normal, isn't it?

So, my choices in response to the thought are:

To ignore the voice.
To do nothing, forget it and see if the words come back to haunt me.
Or call and find out how much of a lead time they need to have for setting a date for a wedding.

I am going with the "do nothing and see if it haunts me selection."

Seems best advice for now; I am soooooooooo not inclined to make a total ass out of myself. Especially if they asked me any questions; I'd be stuttering and sputtering the word "duh" and "I dunno"--especially in response to a supposed "groom".

Freaky thing is...I am as sure about getting married there; as sure as I am, about waking up tomorrow and having coffee.

Something in my gut, I can't shake. It has been growing, especially over the past few days. From a whisper to a very loud nudge.

And that leads me to this statement.

Either I have completely lost my marbles (although I don't tend to see myself with marbles to begin with, I see something a bit more stationary yet fluid) and my being almost irrevocably convinced that this is about to happen in my life is completely cuckoo-nutty......or.......is it the forces beyond me? The river flowing; The Universe taking my open door to my heart and throwing all sorts of shit (of course it'd be good shit, not bad shit) through it; The wind carrying my wishes to the ears of a man who will be my partner in life.....good question? No answer.

Even better, I am really not stressing at my somewhat "out of character" behavior in the department of men and marriage.

I am usually so blase', so like who gives a shit about it all. It was all about my job in the past; my identity first dammit...and I can't find that part of me anymore. It's like every stone, pebble and grain of sand has unleashed no clue as to my former identity...it's just got up and left!

And I couldn't be more at peace. Doves fly on cue....a big peace sign has been written in the clouds by a skywriter and nuclear disarmament has occurred peacefully.

p.s.

As I state this a thought occurred to me. The author Florence Scovel Shinn wrote a piece called "The game of life" in the early part of the last century. I've had a volume of all of her literary writings for over 10 years.

I read it earlier this year and she had several examples of people using her techniques (she was a divorced metaphysician--who was one of the original voices in the Law of Attraction). I'm reminded of a couple of stories in her book, one was a woman who wanted to have a man come marry her, so she set a place for him at the table each night and stated a "saying or poem" with her intention......and she believed it! He came to her and they got married. I feel like I believe what I am saying too. That is what is weirding me the fuck out!

Time will tell, by the way I write this stuff, cuz it will hopefully be fun no matter what happens to look back and see what occurs.

8 things

2008-11-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

EIGHT THINGS I NEED TO BE HAPPY IN A RELATIONSHIP:

laughter, love, communication, faithfulness and honesty, value and respect, affection, kindness, sweetness, committed, passionate inspiration, consistency....

Interpreted into EIGHT things:

1. I LOVE myself.
2. I LAUGH easily with myself.
3. I COMMUNICATE easily and CONSISTENTLY with myself.
4. I VALUE and RESPECT myself.
5. I treat myself with KINDNESS, SWEETNESS and AFFECTION.
6. I INSPIRE myself constantly with PASSION.
7. I am FAITHFUL and HONEST to myself and who I am.
8. I am CONSISTENTLY COMMITTED to myself.

How odd to open a book and see yourself in it.

How odd to open another book and realize you are already doing so many of the things it states you should do for yourself to magnetize the sort of relationship you know you deserve.

I know for the first time in my adult life that the road I am headed down is the right road.

It will probably have bumps and days where I want to veer off to another road or just stop and cry, rest or pretend I haven't committed to myself to have the things in my life that make sense for me.

My wish is to have far more days than naught of happy miracles and surprises.....dreams coming true, because I am open to accepting them, FINALLY!

An in-betweener

2008-11-29T13:03:00.000-08:00

As I read the book on magnetizing myself to be ready for my husband, interchanged with my gender psychology book and of course watching the Joy Luck Club (nothing like multi-tasking and not getting a helluva lot done)...I read a sentence that resonated.

Learning to tolerate the in-between time. Well, that sums up the last 9 1/2 months for me. I have had no choice in this current position. Not to be misconstrued as a complaint or that I am a victim, but I have been forced to let go of who I knew myself to be, in order to become what "I want to be".

It isn't like packing a suitcase and jumping on a plane to a sandy beach and a drink with an umbrella. Nope, this has been an investment in myself. And in what I have always wanted in every area of my life. It has also been a blood-letting in terms of ridding old wounds, open sores and sprained ankles.

I know that my future career path is so very clear, it's my immediate career path that is frightening. I have to make things happen to pay my bills. I am not looking for it to resonate with my soul, because I know graduating with multiple degrees, will bring me to what and where I want to be in my job.

So, what about this in-between time? I am running out of money and have 1 client. 95% of me is not worried and even before my one client, I did not overly freak out about money--which is really scary if you think about it! Cuz everything pointed to any SANE person freaking out (I had my days under the covers, but they were in the minority). I just couldn't, somewhere in my gut, I just felt it would all work out....it hasn't exactly, but it has been enough to keep me going.

When it comes to men, I am there...I know what I want and now I just need to make sure I am open to giving and receiving love on the most pure of playing fields that I attract that amazing man into my life.

There is someone for everyone.

I am ready for my someone.

In between time is over....let's get some motion in my ocean.

Slap me once and call me Paula

2008-11-28T18:46:00.001-08:00

Okay, not really.

Too many things to write, so many topics and so little time. I need to watch the Joy Luck Club for my film class and I know I will cry when I watch it, so I am prolonging the "procrastination".

Anyways, so doing the karmic cord yesterday was funny, cuz of course, I heard from him in the form of a text by last night. It tis the way the Universe works.

What is also high-larity at this point is I am convinced I will have met the guy I am going to be marrying before the year is over. I am so in touch with that inner core and broadcasting it to friends and the Universe continually seems to not be SOMETHING I would have found embarrassing at any other point in my life.

I just don't care anymore. I will freely admit to anything and everything, if someone doesn't dig it...that's okay. I am not gonna dig a ditch crawl in and let a car run over me....nope! I am fine with me.

So, got the book that the other book I was reading was talking about. I am only on the author's story and she is saying some of the same stuff I am. Ewwwww....cannot wait to dig in!

Was at a fantastic Turkey Day feast last night given by the best! Absolutely stunning display of food, drink and people! Loved it all and am thankful to have been there as part of the special evening.

Everyone last night had a light emanating from them. When I was with my friend "M" the other night, I felt the energy.

And now that I have segued here, I completely forgot my train of thought! Ugh, sucks when that happens!

I emailed my psychic teacher this morning, to give her a run down on certain items over the past few days....and she said, and I quote: I feel when you let go is when you are open to what is best for you from the universe. Trust yourself.

And I do. I have this weird sense of excitement, like I am about to win the lottery! And as I started telling everyone I know, I will be married before my next birthday!

Chase me down

2008-11-27T13:49:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had a guy chase you down, cuz he wanted you so much?

I'm not talking about the the guy you dump, who wakes up and decides you're the one. I'm talking about someone who seriously goes after you like a prime piece of real estate.

I believe many men are under the "settle mode", far too lazy to even bother, because I think as women it has been made to easy for them in some cases.

Not all men are this way, my boyfriend from a couple of decades ago told me when we reconnected how he chased his second wife down when she moved to another continent. That was fifteen years ago and they are still married.

I'm not sure why I'm never the one who gets married. I have analyzed the crap out of myself, beaten myself up and wondered why? Am I just retarded? I know I have wanted to be married here and there over the years, I can lie to myself and say "nah", but instead I say bullshit!

I have read dating books. I do all the things recommended for the most part, naturally. I've picked up extra hints. I've tried different things from online dating, to joining things I like to do to smiling and saying "hi"-which I still do....and not just to men. I like a ll of humanity.

It's not that I don't have men around me who would like to go out either.

Right now, I have the one who is 10 years younger that I met this summer. He is smart, educated, worldly, kind, works hard, involves himself in the local politics in Santa Monica and finds he's at his best at Burning Man each year. That is where he likes himself the most, the real him.

Then there's the guy who's about 10 years older. His wife had a heart attack in her 40s and died 5 years ago. He says he's over it (yeah right) and he's really nice, no spark, and has had all kinds of surgery, which hinders his mobility and I think he is still mourning.

I'd just like a guy closer to my age, that would be great. There is a guy around my age too.He's had all sorts of opportunities to reach adulthood; for one reason or another those fell away. So, as he put it in his own words: he's still a starving artist.

All of the men I've had relationships or dated for at least 4-5 months are all married. This doesn't go unnoticed by me, except to say honestly these were men in which the barriers to a peaceful happy relationship were huge. Or maybe it was toiming or maybe I'm such a commitment-phobe?

I have yet to meet a guy who has more than 50 of what I'm looking for in character and mutual perspective on lifestyle.

I watched a clip from the website, "Calling in the One", it is a book and a series of teleclasses. I've never been one to sit through seminars or teleconferences, I have adult ADD with that stuff. I' also never thought I was doing anything particularly wrong, just seemed the men I meet were the wrong sized shoes.

So, back to the clip on this site. Two women were on a morning talk show, with the creator of the teleclasses and both are now engaged.

In a 7 week period, one met, fell in love and went to Rome with a guy, who while in Rome asked her to marry him.

They had interviewed her twice. Once before her embarking on the program and then after the 7 week class. She did online dating (cringe) and decided to open her parameters. Lo and behold, presto, magico, she did with this guy and he was the ONE.

So, I guess this is the next step for me. Cuz, I obviously am not equipped to do this on my own.

I have failed miserably, yet I still am flummoxed by the fact that I loosened a lot of my"have to's", but still have certain ones that are necessary--eight to be exact:

1 emotionally stable
2 kind
3 financially stable
4 attractive
5 generous
6 laughs easily
7 intelligent
8 honest

Am I asking for the impossible?

What is so difficult about that?

There are other things I'd like--such as he's divorced, is a dad already, likes to travel, is outgoing, confident, happy, etc... They all rate too, but I'm trying not to be overly picky anymore.

So, I am thinking I will invest in my future. Hell if I am wishing and I'm doing a teleclass, reading a book...smiling and waving, some wonderful guy has to drop in, right?

Labor and MF'in Birth

2008-11-27T06:36:00.000-08:00

I cut the cord again.

That jacked-up psychic umbilical cord. Wrapped it around his ass and hand-delivered it to the Universe.

I figured what the hell, let's try it again and see if it works (fingers crossed)

I can't be haunted by this shadowy linked figure, anymore. Especially with my new endeavor: wishing for my husband. And I know I have not met him yet. Screw the vibe and the karma! I told the Universe, my ass is done with karmic shit for this life.

I ain't gonna chew on a plate full of pain and suffering, fuck that. I want dessert, yummy and melts in your mouth with such a rich and lasting flavor.

If for some reason I were to hear from him again, and having cut the cord at least 25 times, it'll be strictly my turn to decide "if" and "when".

I guess depending on who you talk to...I could have filled out a contract before this life asking for a whole pile of steaming shit to contend with....or I may have been an asshole in a former life....or I wanted to learn something, by having my insides ripped out on a continuous basis, so I'd have to always confront myself and be God-like (we'll forget for a sec that I'm human)...who the fuck knows!?

All I know is my sixth sense needs a serious serving of "Draino" to unclog the pipes and let this hairball just slide out to sea.

I will stay away from any possible location he could even remotely be...and if I run into him then he is encroaching on my territory even more, and that would be so uncool. At least, until I have been over it for a long time, instead of it being at the tipping point, where I see the light of moving on and then "boom" he's planted right in my path. NO MORE.

I will stay to the West for now.

And whatever comes to me now, is all on my terms. You can believe it!

friends of all species

2008-11-26T12:37:00.000-08:00

I was with a group of my friends last night. A mix of two women who are a few years older than me and who I adore, the son of one of the women and a guy who asked me out two months ago...and I kinda flaked on him.

I was invited over to my friend's for dinner and it was really a nice time for a variety of reasons.

When I was younger, I thought you could mix and match your friends. You know, bring a friend, a health-conscious zealot you met at the gym, out to dinner with your friend who is on the "see-food diet" and her idea of working out is lifting a cigarette to her mouth. Sometimes opposite species work out, because they find a common ground. And sometimes it can be down-right ugly!

How can you tell if it will end up like a bad blind date?

After all, they both like you, so shouldn't there be a starting point?

As I sat with this group last night, the thought passed my mind. It always does. Wouldn't it be cool if "so and so" met this person? And gee, it'd be great to have a dinner party with all these great people I know. Sometimes the chemistry works and sometimes it does not.

Last night was good--topics ranged from the recent election (one person works in politics), to one guest's New Moon party I attended earlier this year, in which one of the attendees stripped naked to eloquently state her wishes/prayers to the Wolf Moon (And none of us who were there to this day, understand "why" this woman stripped nude) to the ongoing divorce my hostess is enduring in her life, deciding in the future if she does decide to marry, she hopes Prop 8 will be overturned.

There were heated discussions, difference of opinions (agreeing to disagree) and lots of laughter. So who else can I add to the mix? The person who had asked me out in the past was engaging, in fact we all were very lively and opinionated as hell!

I have not come to a conclusion as to who I can bring and where. What I do think is I will have to plan a bit strategically, somehow I will need to have a neutral zone to see who is a hit and who is a miss.

I think we can all be enriched by others, especially people who are so different than ourselves in belief and philosophy. It brings me out into the world to explore more than I would have had I played it safe and never ventured past my front door.

Nothing-ness

2008-11-25T11:58:00.000-08:00

So,

In terms of signs or anything looking like a wish coming true, I'd have to say it was a day of nothing-ness.

Begging the question, what is different now than in the past? What will change in my wishing for something from the past when I wished for things?

My wishes have gone largely unfulfilled over the years. There were lists I wrote in the past. There were things I wanted more than anything and none of it came about, not even in a way that you could say, "gee that came true, maybe not the way I pictured it, but hey, it came true".

I have a high degree of skepticism. I have a high degree of believing a lot of what I wish for is way beyond my control, because I can create some luck, I can work hard and look at everything as an opportunity, but when you take things on and they sort of disintegrate before your eyes..you sort of have to wonder.

I don't think my judgment is any worse than anyone else on the planet.

I just find it disheartening at times to have had so many things which looked promising fall flat.

Maybe, I expect my wishes to be granted too quickly? 13 years is not quick.

I believe in what I am asking for, but it is beyond me to go force it to be real.

Signs or lack thereof

2008-11-24T17:28:00.001-08:00

In my promise to update the "wishfest" regularly, I am hoping to have more meaty information. Like a sign, movement, something indicating profound "wishdom" is about to occur! But, alas...

I have not one thing to report.

As soon as I do, I will post here...even an innocuous sign of something grand about to happen will deserve notation. I shall commit to paper in this quest to change from sufferer of all woes and camel carrying 1000 pounds of garbage; to be free as a butterfly from suffering and re-born through my wishes as a hummingbird (cuz everything I read in every culture, says they're bitchin').

Notice the word "if" is being stricken from my vocabulary, because it is not very wish-like....to...well...not believe the wishes may not come to pass.

AND DAMMIT! I am a believer!!!! :-)