pity party redux

yup....

still pitying thyself.

actually, i am really trying to not let much distract me from my "pity". i have allowed myself for a good portion of time to do what was recommended over the past year: get out with friends, do things, exercise...and have a life.

in spite of my unemployment status and the ridiculous sightings of the village idiot....and being broke and the sounds of silence on certain days....i have coped well. my psychic vibes have proven to be right for the most part, and hence i consult other psychics to confirm or disprove.

okay--so i stated all that to actually say, i want to process anything and everything i have not, the heavy or light weight depending on the day that i carry of emotional baggage. the stuff i think i clear out and then don't ....or find it lingering in a weird way.

i turned down all social invitations this week-end to just focus on me. to have no obligations, so i could cry or scream.....read stuff to allow me to wallow--so the emotions bubble up to the surface.

thus far it has peaks and valleys. i feel like i am over the village idiot and then i am not. BUT, here is the thing. i get sad when i think of the trip that i took with him a few weeks ago, i get angry when i think "why" did you come back in my life? are you really that selfish? "yes" would be the correct answer. i think of his cruel words to me, which contradicted everything he'd told me up to that point in the past and present. i touch on the dream or fantasy or delusion that he was the one i was going to marry.

it was all wrong. so, i keep hoping every time i feel shitty about one of those things that next time it will be less pain...for the most part it is less pain.

and the conclusion of him no matter what pain i am in and no matter how much my ego would love the gratification and no matter what that weak part of myself who believes in happy endings would want....I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. HE IS NEVER ALLOWED BACK IN MY LIFE.

Simply because I never want to entertain this sort of pain again. i understand love is a risk, but i don't see myself with someone who turns out to be commitment phobic, cuz i know what to look for....someone who is emotionally unavailable will be kicked to the curb promptly like "A" last week. This is not worth it and with him, the trust is gone....i could never believe this village idiot or maybe town crier is a more fitting name, would not put his tail between his legs and run again. frankly it is toooooo much for me to endure.

Thankfully the anger is fleeting, although i still feel no remorse for what i said...and his reaction showed me that women have said these things to him before. it is too bad, but he is conditioned to it....and to allow him any space or latitude is to invite in a "cancer".

my living conditions make me want to scream as i try to figure my next move and therefore i am stuck...in hell.....still.

no resolution, i hope by tomorrow night i am at peace and acceptance with how horrible my circumstances truly are!